Do you think they ever secretly check in on us?

[expos]

A common thread with those amongst with  exBPD's is that once you are no longer useful to them, they ditch you forever and never talk to you again and act you never existed.

On Facebook, after my divorce, my wife removed me as a Facebook friend.  I decided to block her from my profile for a few months because I didn't want her peaking into my life.  Because I still cared about us and was in mourning, I didn't want her getting upset at my friendly communication with some of our mutual friends.  After awhile, I stopped caring about that... .  and decided to unblock her and reveal my new life.   I don't feel the need to hide from her now.

I'm going to admit to something that maybe is a little juvenile.   I've had a lot of younger (and admittedly prettier) girls comment on my photos, tell me I'm handsome, congratulate me on a few athletic endeavors I'm accomplished.  They also tagged me at places, showing that I'm hanging out with these pretty girls.

I apologize, but part of me really wants my ex to see how well I'm doing without her and make her really acknowledge that I was really a great guy that she constantly dumped on.   

I know that BPD's deal with jealously and hate almost daily.  My ex would check facebook on her iPad almost daily and get pissed off at what other people were accomplishing.  This terrible part of me wants to inflict some emotional pain back at her.  I feel terrible about feeling this way... .  and I shouldn't have to prove anything to my ex anymore, but it feels good to be appreciated for something by others, because she never did. 

So, do you think they ever secretly check in on us? Or are they that narcissistic that we no longer exist?

[GustheDog]

Almost without exception - you bet they do.

I'm speculating, but my inference is based upon my own ex's past behavioral patterns.  Her patterns have proven consistent over time.  This isn't really surprising, actually.  It's to be expected with BPD.

Anyway, when she did all the atrociously horrific things to me that she did, and then cut me out of her life, she genuinely believed me to be horrible and all the rest.  This is also precisely how her relationship before me ended (each of 3 or 4 times, over 6 years).

Time passes, however, and she realizes she's the one who's done all the damage.  This is when she recycled her ex over and over and then, when we were together, she admitted how she'd treated him extremely poorly.

So, yes, right now, out in the world somewhere, she should just be getting to the point where she feels pretty f'ing terrible about destroying yet another relationship and causing untold harm to yet another person who cared about her.

I am confident to a near certainty that she checks on me frequently.  I'm sure that to others, and to her new "partner," if any, she maintains the mountain of smearing and lies she's created to justify her absurd and extreme recklessness.  But, if only to herself, she knows precisely who messed things up.

You very much still exist.  And this is why recycles are so common, I presume.

I do not worry about a recycle attempt, however, because I refuse (and have told her as much) to shoulder the blame and accept her projections.  I am thus a walking reminder of her past errors - of her obscene and outrageous mistreatment of another human being, of her monstrously bloated self-centeredness, and of her wanton irresponsibility.  Under no circumstance can I be faced, as that would require the maturity of an adult.

I feel as though I am 90% of the way to not caring anymore, and I think that's what your ultimate goal should be.  Instead of contemplating whether you are right or wrong for wanting her to see you doing well, you should be moving towards complete indifference with respect to this person.

[expos]

This post was extremely uplifting.  Thank you so much for responding. 

What is strange is that just a few moments ago I had brief vision of myself accomplishing a lot of things... .  I'm on the verge of getting a big promotion at a new job, meeting someone who supports me, and few other uplifting things that I have worked so hard to achieve that she always put down.

Then receiving that contact from her after such a long silence, all the while knowing to herself that she destroyed everything.  How our future would have been amazing if she wouldn't have forced me into pulling the plug on us with her terrible behavior.   If she would have only kissed me more, loved me more, and stopped criticizing my every move.  How that night, when I asked for closure and to talk things through, she decided to act soulless and like I was not deserving of her time.

This woman, once thin and pretty - now fat, depressed, and ALONE due to all of her mistakes.

GustheDog, we are in a better place now.     

[GustheDog]

I apologize, but part of me really wants my ex to see how well I'm doing without her and make her really acknowledge that I was really a great guy that she constantly dumped on.    

To her, though, this is what people are for.  That's their purpose.  And she doesn't see anything wrong with this.  The disorder requires that she not understand the "self/other" distinction as you and I do.  Others are not independent, autonomous, free-thinking beings to a pwBPD, they are objects.  They are extensions of themselves.

To the extent that a given object is valuable to her, it is because it has proven instrumental to servicing one or more of her needs, wants, or desires.  She cares about such an object only insofar as it performs its assigned function well.  If the object sputters or falters, a replacement object is sought.  Alternatively, her ever-malleable desires may abruptly shift and render a formerly useful object redundant.

In my last post I mentioned that you very much still exist to her.  I do believe that's true.  But I should have qualified by adding that this is not because she wants you to exist.  By all means, she wishes you didn't exist - and will pretend and behave as though you do not - but this is all in an effort to deny and repress the fact that you are actually very, very much in existence.  Your existence is a giant burden to her now, for all the reasons I've previously described - i.e., because you're a reminder of her own massively inadequate self.

A better place indeed . . . .

[expos]

In my last post I mentioned that you very much still exist to her.  I do believe that's true.  But I should have qualified by adding that this is not because she wants you to exist.  By all means, she wishes you didn't exist - and will pretend and behave as though you do not - but this is all in an effort to deny and repress the fact that you are actually very, very much in existence.  Your existence is a giant burden to her now, for all the reasons I've previously described - i.e., because you're a reminder of her own massively inadequate self.

A better place indeed . . . .

MIND BLOWN.  You really nailed it.  The last time I ever saw her, she treated me like I was some burden, even though I hadn't seen her in person for nearly four months.  Thanks again. 

[afterdeath]

Just to answer the question of the topic. Yes and no.

The first time she left me for a replacement I know she checked up on me and talked about me because her sister told me what she said and she blew her own cover via replying to a Facebook status of mine when we weren't even friends.

This time however may be different, if she is checking up, she's doing a hell of a job hiding it this time, I do not believe she thinks about me anymore since she has a replacement and is in survival mode for her and daughter.

[expos]

I think my ex-wife probably went to into tailspin of jealously and anger after reading and seeing all these posts from the new prettier women I was now in contact with. 

How do I know?  Well she was pretty good about responding to my basic emails regarding our old financial records, but not so much now.  I imagine her balled up on her couch, completely bitter, trying to force a new committed relationship with someone as a reaction to what she saw.   

Sorry for my lousy behavior, but it felt good to drop a bomb on her for once.

[GustheDog]

Don't be sorry, just get the hell away from a person who's revealed to you that they are a toxic scourge on your well-being.

In a perfect world, I could forgive my ex and even reconcile with her if there were some indicia that she could experience remorse, take responsibility, and fix herself.  Unfortunately, that is as much of a fantasy as is the version of the world in which she operates.  If you stick around - in any way - she will continue to inflict harm upon you.  That's it - the only thing this person is capable of providing you on a consistent, long-term basis is stress, aggravation, and emotional pain.

[SarahinMA]

I don't think my ex checks on me.  I think he wants to forget that I ever existed.  I know he told mutual friends to not bring me up or say anything about my life.  He doesn't want to know anything about me.  That's why I'm pretty sure I'll never be recycled.  It's sad, because we shared so much, but I also know that it's his way of dealing with the guilt of hurting me so badly and convincing himself that I'm a bad person- to stay in his little bubble of denial.   

[BlushAndBashful]

I know for a fact mine used to.

This was years ago, but mutual friends let me know that he would drive by my place (after he dumped me, mind you) to see if I had anyone spending the night. He later admitted to it. He also admitted to checking on my myspace profile frequently.

I also caught him because he when he tried to recycle me, he bought me some things that I had wanted... .  but they were all conveniently things I had on a private wish list on a shopping site (I had forgotten to change my password). Suddenly he was like "Oh, and I decided to get you this widget you mentioned you wanted" (which I hadn't ever mentioned) or "I saw this at the store and thought you might like it" (in the exact size and color? Really? And it's only sold on Amazon and yet you found it in a store?).

Does he still do it? I doubt it, and I don't make an effort to either hide or flaunt anything. I do have him blocked from EVERYTHING that I can, but I know there are sites we are both on that don't have blocking capabilities. I guess I don't really care if he can see where I traveled or what my latest feedback score is. If he sits there and analyzes my latest lingerie purchase on ebay, that's up to him. My hunch is, he does everything in his power to push me entirely out of mind. And I'm fine with that.

 

[flatspin]

In my last post I mentioned that you very much still exist to her.  I do believe that's true.  But I should have qualified by adding that this is not because she wants you to exist.  By all means, she wishes you didn't exist - and will pretend and behave as though you do not - but this is all in an effort to deny and repress the fact that you are actually very, very much in existence.  Your existence is a giant burden to her now, for all the reasons I've previously described - i.e., because you're a reminder of her own massively inadequate self.

A better place indeed . . . .

MIND BLOWN.  You really nailed it.  The last time I ever saw her, she treated me like I was some burden, even though I hadn't seen her in person for nearly four months.  Thanks again.  

It was the same for me and my future ex-wife. It was a long distance relationship and even after not having talked with me for a couple of months, she once told me in an occasional e-mail that her life was a mess and I had destroyed her life whereas it was her who was messing up and wrecking all my attempts to improve our situation.

As I told her : "I haven't seen your face on Skype for months nor received anything from you since then and now, you're telling me that I'm the one who destroyed your life? As I don't live with you and do my utmost to do what you ask me, how could I be responsible of the mess which your life is?"

Well, back then, I was just starting to know about BPD and I understand now that my reactions and comments were written according to my ignorance in that regard. I did JADE a lot back then.

As for what GTD says, he's right. BPDs need an audience in order to get validation. They're like actors playing in a theater. When people in the auditorium begin and understand that what they hear about the past and supposed bad treatments undergone by the BPDs is phoney, people leave the theater and once the theater is empty, the BPD then begins looking for another which is full of other people and the "play" starts again. My wife began to distance herself from me when, once married, I began to contradict her (I couldn't agree with her on everything because many of her ways were nonsensical and on impulse) or not to buy anymore into her fables.

Interestingly, that's why she's so active on Internet, in my opinion, and has tons of friends on it because she then can smear others and can keep on her confabulations without their presence around her, which would debunk her and prove her wrong real quick ! Internet is great in that regard. I know, I did the same thing and bought into her fables before realizing once married that most of what she says must be sorted out and kicked into oblivion.

As for the topic of your thread, I do think that they peek sometimes, if not often... .  They use silent treatment, divorce threats or else as a tool for their biaised agendas and once they notice that those tools don't work anymore (that is when FOG becomes inefficient), they may send us a tasty reminder of themselves, unless that's because they keep us on hand because they need our help or were jilted by our replacement.

[ScotisGone74]

I'm not a betting man, but I'd be willing to bet the farm that most of them do.  They will be more apt to check up on us or attempt to recycle us when their current fantasy relationship begins to fizzle out.  Their current fantasy can only last so long, until they have gotten all they need out of that relationship, then like a vampire, they need fresh blood. 

[Ripples]

Mine has just put these lyrics on her fb profile for public view when everything else is friends only (im not a friend) and yes I was being nosey! She is in a relationship with a guy who has given her two kids but i think this may be a warning to him. They are not married! Its for someone to see!

Done so many things wrong I don't know if I can do right

Oh I, Oh I've

Done so many things wrong I don't know if I can do right

At this point in my life

I've done so many things wrong I don't know if I can do right

If you put your trust in me I hope I won't let you down

If you give me a chance I'll try

You see it's been a hard road the road I'm traveling on

And if I take your hand I might lead you down the path to ruin

I've had a hard life I'm just saying it so you'll understand

That right now, right now, I'm doing the best I can

At this point in my life

At this point in my life

Although I've mostly walked in the shadows

I'm still searching for the light

Won't you put your faith in me

We both know that's what matters

If you give me a chance I'll try

You see I've been climbing stairs but mostly stumbling down

I've been reaching high always losing ground

You see I've been reaching high but always losing ground

You see I've conquered hills but I still have mountains to climb

And right now right now I'm doing the best I can

At this point in my life

Before we take a step

Before we walk down that path

Before I make any promises

Before you have regrets

Before we talk commitment

Let me tell you of my past

All I've seen and all I've done

The things I'd like to forget

At this point in my life

At this point in my life

I'd like to live as if only love mattered

As if redemption was in sight

As if the search to live honestly

Is all that anyone needs

No matter if you find it

You see when I've touched the sky

The earth's gravity has pulled me down

But now I've reconciled that in this world

Birds and angels get the wings to fly

If you can believe in this heart of mine

If you can give it a try

Then I'll reach inside and find and give you

All the sweetness that I have

At this point in my life

At this point in my life

PS - Great first post by Gusthedog!

[recoil]

Ripples,

This could have been written by my ex.

I can't tell you how many times I heard, "this is all I've got" or "I'm doing the best I can".

Wow.  It makes me feel very sad.

[SurvivedLove]

I'm certain they do check in on us. Some of them don't even bother hiding it.

My ex doesn't bother hiding it.

He'll gladly question our mutual friends, MY friends and who ever else will give him information about my life, my well-being, what I do, who I walk to and such, pretending to be the ever-concerned ex-boyfriend who "just wants to know that she's OK".

We met on WoW and have both played for many years, so we both know a lot of people from there. His "surveillance" of me became so bad that he started to be logged on 24 hours a day through a WoW application for his iPhone, "butting into" every conversation I had, trying to rub shoulders with everyone he saw me talking to and so on.

I put a stop to it a few weeks ago. I've simply stopped logging on.

I've stopped being on our guild voice chat, I've stopped talking to a bunch of friends and mates I've had for the past 5-6 years.

I have too many things to sort out with myself at this point and knowing that he watches my every move isn't helping me out. So I made the healthy choice for me, staying under the radar. And I think it's minimized my stress by half.

I'm not sure what causes them to do things like that. If it's a matter of control, of keeping a door open in case they need to use us later on or something completely different. And honestly, I don't even want to know. Because I doubt their reasons would make sense to any of us.

All I know is that it can be highly stressful and unpleasant to be under surveillance by a BPD ex.

[atcrossroads]

I don't think my ex checks on me.  I think he wants to forget that I ever existed.  I know he told mutual friends to not bring me up or say anything about my life.  He doesn't want to know anything about me.  That's why I'm pretty sure I'll never be recycled.  It's sad, because we shared so much, but I also know that it's his way of dealing with the guilt of hurting me so badly and convincing himself that I'm a bad person- to stay in his little bubble of denial.   

I believe mine is reacting the exact same way.  I'm out of the house (we had been separated in the house for some months before I left with me in the guest room).  I've only been back to house once - he has all reminders of "us" taken down/put away and even has the guest room door closed, as though I don't exist.  We are not able to divorce yet, but he has already asked me to change my name (married 10 years).  He wants it to be as though I didn't exist - it's too painful for him because I'm the one who left, I guess, and maybe also some guilt although I truly think he doesn't understand he did much wrong... .  has placed all blame on me.