What does he want?

[coworkerfriend]

I feel like I am going to lose my mind.  I have been actively limiting our contact - I have not engaged his negative comments.  I will not fight with him.

I walk away from the emotional outbursts.

I have left the building.

He is "fine" around our employees and customers. They have commented about his good mood.

He is sighing, moaning and swearing to himself.

I am trying to work. I feel like I should do something.

I gave him an opportunity to talk - I listened - said nothing.  I told him that I love and support him.

As things started proceeding downhill, I left the room.

I don't know what he wants.  I don't know what to do.  I am at a loss. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[laelle]

I think your doing exactly what you should be doing.  What does he want?  I doubt even he knows.   Might take a while for your new way of handling conflict to sink into his head.

[coworkerfriend]

It truly feels to me like he wants something.  I just can't play into it.

He has to fix himself.

[laelle]

Nothing wrong with asking him if he is feeling ok.

[benny2]

They don't know what they want, thats the problem. They act like they want the attention, then they make you feel like your bothering them, they act like they want to talk, then they go silent. They are just never satisfied with anything or anyone in their life. I know what I want, I would like to have it with him, but its never going to happen. I just have to face it.

[coworkerfriend]

Oh I asked.  He had nothing. He is depressed.  He can't get himself under control around me. He can get it together for the employees and customers.

He can not breathe when he is  around me.  I left without telling him.  He was visibly agitated while I was gone from what I heard. 

I really am at a loss.

[coworkerfriend]

Now he wants to fight.  I desperately want to JADE. I desperately want to say or do something to make this stop.   He wants me to explain.  He keeps trying to start something with me. He wants to stop hurting. He admits he is in pain. He is back to saying horrible and hateful things

[coworkerfriend]

The dysregulation period has passed and he is exhausted.

Last week was one of the worst periods that I have had with my pwBPD.  By the end of the week, I knew what he wanted.  He wanted this to be over as much as I did.  He hadn't slept or eaten all week.  He wanted to talk and he did.  He was calm and told me that he needed to work through some things in his head and he needed space and time to do that.  I told him that I tried to give that to him during the week.  I really did not say much - just listened.  Although he believes what he says during the heat of the moment,  he said that it isn't exactly how he feels. He never wanted to leave.

Yesterday, he was charming and "back to normal".  He is focused on work and taking care of projects that he got behind on.  I am focusing on work.  Not sure what else to do right now.  I am not sure what to do at all.

[briefcase]

It's truly exhausting work.  From the sound of things, you did great.     You stuck to your boundaries and didn't JADE!

[coworkerfriend]

Thanks Briefcase - you are absolutely right.  It is exhausting. 

I wish I felt I did great. 

JADEing never works.  It adds fuel to the fire.  I have learned that during this process.

Late at night, I still wonder what the trigger was to send him off.  I have to let that go.