looking for insight

[sotiredtoonice]

I would like to post this question for some feedback. First a little history. I am married to uBPDH for 8 years, desperately want out, but thats a different story. I also have a very dear friend who is an ex from 10 years ago. We talk daily, but haven't seen each other in 10 years.

My dilemma is this: When H upsets me (on a daily basis) I never confront him about it, i push it way down inside and move on. I resent him majorly for the many things hes done over the years, probably due to lack of confrontation as well as the way he has treated me. Anyways, my dear friend is another story. Anytime he upsets me, I have no hesitation in telling him exactly what hes done to upset me, which may or may not result in a heated argument. I would like some insight as to why you all might think I am this way. Why can't I tell my H the things he does that hurt me instead of just letting it go. 

[sotiredtoonice]

I should also add that I am starting on a boundary at home, and this issue I have with avoiding confrontation is going to have to go. Last sunday was the last day I did the dishes, I REFUSE to take care of the house and work 2 jobs while H works 10, yes 10, hours a week. So far the dishes are still sitting there, waiting for me to do them, and its taken every ounce of self control I have not to do them. So tonight, H and I will both be at home and I really need to mention the dishes, but that means I have to face a confrontation... .  

[P.F.Change]

 

Your 2nd post made me chuckle a little... .  have you ever seen the episode of Everybody Loves Raymond titled "The Suitcase?" I'm thinking if you want to look it up on the iinterwebs it could add some comic relief to the situation.

Why do you think you avoid confrontations with your husband but are comfortable asserting yourself with someone else? What is the risk?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Grey Kitty]

My dilemma is this: When H upsets me (on a daily basis) I never confront him about it, i push it way down inside and move on. I resent him majorly for the many things hes done over the years, probably due to lack of confrontation as well as the way he has treated me. Anyways, my dear friend is another story. Anytime he upsets me, I have no hesitation in telling him exactly what hes done to upset me, which may or may not result in a heated argument.

Hmmm... .  yes, it does sound like you have some boundaries to work on. Regarding dishes, I've got an interesting system that works very well for me and my wife (although it isn't something we ever had huge fights or resentment over)

Our system was that I do dishes on odd days (calender days) and she does them on even days. The trick is that if I don't finish my dishes by the end of the day, I'm responsible for all new dishes until I get the sink clean.

The true beauty of this system is that there is NO incentive to nag anyone--If I don't nag, I get a reprieve from doing dishes the next day!

I would like some insight as to why you all might think I am this way. Why can't I tell my H the things he does that hurt me instead of just letting it go. 

The closer the person is to you, the harder it is to have good boundaries. This is particularly evident to anybody who watches their higher-functioning BPD partner--they can be "normal" to everyone at work, and treat their us in really horrible ways. Same thing with them--they can better separate themselves from people that they aren't as intimate with, and can behave better.

[AnotherPhoenix]

Sotiredtoonice,

I hear you.

I like Catnap's solution about the dishes. Especially about not having to do dishes the next day when he doesn't nag!  But, what happens when you run out of clean dishes? With my BPDex, I can easily see us running out of dishes and then not being able to resolve who has to do the dishes. I guess in this case, we'd only have 1 argument every 4 or 5 days instead on 1 every day. Another solution would be to only have enough dishes for 2 days! 

Although, SoTiredTooNice, I think your preference would be not doing any dishes since you work two jobs while your husband only works 10 hours a week.

AnotherPheonix 

[P.F.Change]

Paper plates.

[Grey Kitty]

I like Catnap's solution about the dishes. Especially about not having to do dishes the next day when he doesn't nag!  But, what happens when you run out of clean dishes? With my BPDex, I can easily see us running out of dishes and then not being able to resolve who has to do the dishes. I guess in this case, we'd only have 1 argument every 4 or 5 days instead on 1 every day. Another solution would be to only have enough dishes for 2 days! 

Err... . that was me, not catnap, but no worries

And FYI, if I my dishes aren't done at the end of my day to do dishes... . I am responsible for ALL dishes until I catch up, even if it is 4 days worth! When I blow off an entire day plus the next day... . then it gets back to my day and they are still mine. If I don't clear the sink, I'll get the 4th day too until I finally catch up.

The other thing which happens is that when the responsibility and consequences are clearly defined... . there is room for generosity in the system. Both my wife and I give "dish dispensations" upon occasion. Since I know that they aren't my responsibility, I can just be generous when I can afford the time and see that my wife is busy/stressed/doing something else that helps me a lot. She often does the same.

But I do like the paper plate idea if the system totally breaks down Thanks P.F. Change!