2 year time out... intervention possibility?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Although we have been separate and I have been Limited contact and sharing custody 50/50, on the leaving board, and divorce board for close to 2 years... . in some ways it feels like a long time out.

And frankly inside NEVER LEFT. Still feel great love and feel Like This belongs with you stayers, I need YOUR advice .

Everything blew up in an extinction burst when UBPDH's porn addiction was revealed 4/11.

We were all suffering so tremendously , including our d8 , physically , emotionally and psychologically ill, living in abuse and violence, denial, addiction, it has been a healing time to be apart.

I did not discover the BPD disease part until I was out from the Extinction burst.

I of course was doing everything wrong and never had a chance to use any of the tools to stop the bleeding while with him.

This time has allowed me to cool down, and stabilize, and help Daughter, now 10 stabilize and heal.

I have gone completely broke in the divorce process and we are still not divorced LOL.

On the outside we have supposedly "moved on".

I have no idea where his brain and heart is today. Most likely close to the same as it has always been, addicted, and in denial. There are no signs of recovery or change for the better.

I had hoped he would feel better out of intimacy with me, as our enmeshment was at a lethal point. And he gets to continue to parent... .

His addiction takes it's toll with the dopamine issues, so he looks worse on that level.

The thing is... . there is no getting out really.

I have emotionally and physically bugged out, distanced , learning detatchment and feel great understanding, empathy and even forgivness with 2 years LC.

BUT !

we are in a TINY village , live 2 blocks away from each other, and share D10 50/50.

'see' each other all the time.

He has some issues coming to a head.

Pregnant chick in the wings... . swears its her husband's baby, but everyone in town knows about their threesome, including D10, who tells me "dont worry mom, they used protection"

some professional liability issues (poor decisions he has made as town doctor) coming to a head.

the courts have done NOTHING. I cant get away. we are stuck here physically. there are no jobs for me,I am completely financially reliant on him and he is UNSTABLE. YIKES.

I know he is running to old "friends" this week. Our marriage witnesses.

They know the big picture, and have not seen or heard much, but are medical lawyers, so Im guessing he is seeking some support as things are coming to a head.

he may be in full blown denial as well.

I am tempted to suggest an intervention through them, which could be more denial on my part.

any healing or connection steps good for everyone, if possible.

I dont have any great hopes or aspirations, but takin life day by day.

Now that I've calmed down and am grounded and cannot get out I'd like to improve things any way possible.

Do you think Is it even possible to move toward a pwBPD in a situation like this without making it worse after being Mrs. Black for this long, divorce settling etc. etc?

As the mother of our child and from a family of BPD, there is no escaping it/him, geographically, politically,  would like to help any way possible.

I have always also been his biggest supporter ever. Now that Ive healed my hurt and back in a compassionate place and in reality.

thanks.

[nona]

Although we have been separate and I have been Limited contact and sharing custody 50/50, on the leaving board, and divorce board for close to 2 years... . in some ways it feels like a long time out.

And frankly inside NEVER LEFT. Still feel great love and feel Like This belongs with you stayers, I need YOUR advice .

Everything blew up in an extinction burst when UBPDH's porn addiction was revealed 4/11.

We were all suffering so tremendously , including our d8 , physically , emotionally and psychologically ill, living in abuse and violence, denial, addiction, it has been a healing time to be apart.

I did not discover the BPD disease part until I was out from the Extinction burst.

I of course was doing everything wrong and never had a chance to use any of the tools to stop the bleeding while with him.

This time has allowed me to cool down, and stabilize, and help Daughter, now 10 stabilize and heal.

I have gone completely broke in the divorce process and we are still not divorced LOL.

On the outside we have supposedly "moved on".

I have no idea where his brain and heart is today. Most likely close to the same as it has always been, addicted, and in denial. There are no signs of recovery or change for the better.

I had hoped he would feel better out of intimacy with me, as our enmeshment was at a lethal point. And he gets to continue to parent... .

His addiction takes it's toll with the dopamine issues, so he looks worse on that level.

The thing is... . there is no getting out really.

I have emotionally and physically bugged out, distanced , learning detatchment and feel great understanding, empathy and even forgivness with 2 years LC.

BUT !

we are in a TINY village , live 2 blocks away from each other, and share D10 50/50.

'see' each other all the time.

He has some issues coming to a head.

Pregnant chick in the wings... . swears its her husband's baby, but everyone in town knows about their threesome, including D10, who tells me "dont worry mom, they used protection"

some professional liability issues (poor decisions he has made as town doctor) coming to a head.

the courts have done NOTHING. I cant get away. we are stuck here physically. there are no jobs for me,I am completely financially reliant on him and he is UNSTABLE. YIKES.

I know he is running to old "friends" this week. Our marriage witnesses.

They know the big picture, and have not seen or heard much, but are medical lawyers, so Im guessing he is seeking some support as things are coming to a head.

he may be in full blown denial as well.

I am tempted to suggest an intervention through them, which could be more denial on my part.

any healing or connection steps good for everyone, if possible.

I dont have any great hopes or aspirations, but takin life day by day.

Now that I've calmed down and am grounded and cannot get out I'd like to improve things any way possible.

Do you think Is it even possible to move toward a pwBPD in a situation like this without making it worse after being Mrs. Black for this long, divorce settling etc. etc?

As the mother of our child and from a family of BPD, there is no escaping it/him, geographically, politically,  would like to help any way possible.

I have always also been his biggest supporter ever. Now that Ive healed my hurt and back in a compassionate place and in reality.

thanks.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[yeeter]

As the mother of our child and from a family of BPD, there is no escaping it/him, geographically, politically,  would like to help any way possible.

This is indeed a big realization.  As much as we would like to put this person in our past, the practical realities of it do not allow it.  You are coparenting for the rest of your life.  This is the reality part you describe.

My advice, for what its worth, is to keep doing what you are doing.  Coparent.  Involve yourself with his life to the degree that this is required.

And continue to wean yourself away from involvement in his life in every other way.  Which means doing every thing possible to gain your own independence, financially and otherwise.  If you have to move to be able to support yourself, move.  Definitely finish the divorce.

Your daughter needs a stable provider.  Her father, it sounds like, cannot be this for her (he doesnt seem to have the STABILITY for it).

What he does in his bedroom is his to own.  What he does with his lawyers is his to own.  What he does that is public and affects your daughter, is both of yours to own (you cant control it, but you can help your daughter process and deal with it).  Become self sufficient so that his behavior doesnt impact you financially (and some piece of this will be via the divorce proceedings, in terms of providing for your daughter).

Priorities are:  #1)  Your daughter and her well being, including protecting her from her fathers instability to the degree you can and #2)  Your own emotional and physical health, followed by creating your own life routine.

Am sure you will get lots of other advice.  Its really tough to manage in the coparenting situation because you can never really leave it all behind.

 

[arabella]

Addressing the title of this thread - what would you be hoping to get out of an intervention? It sounds like your ex has been confronted in the past about some of his issues (i.e. the addiction) and that didn't help in any way. He ultimately chose his addiction over his family. I suspect you would be facing a similar outcome this time - that he would paint the people involved black but continue on his path to self-destruction. Now, if he asks for help or an opinion... . different story (very eggshelly though).

I think Yeeter is right, you need to focus on your 'stuff' (primarily your daughter's well-being) and let him sink or swim. This is so much harder since your financial security is tied to him. Is there a way to start to build your own safety net? I'm worried that he could crash his career and you could be left in a very tight spot. Self-sufficiency is the only way to go, as impossible as that seems, it CAN be done (it's going to take a lot of time so start now)! Is there a reason you can't move to another town to find work?

[nona]

I am now about 30,000 in debt. legal fees and taxes

basically am settling out of court as the lawyers , even mine sided with him.

just plain lost , got screwed, whatever (PATRIARCHY in a provincial backward system) out of resources.

agreeing to 50/50 keeps me access to D10, but hostage to him in a town where he is a beloved? public figure

400 person village.

and no jobs... .

relinquished all my credentials to be a stay at home mm x 10 years.

thats why Im fantasizing/bargaining with this peacemaking route even though I"m probably still Mrs. Black.

Could he evn comprehend that Im not OUT TO GET HIM?

The victim role seems to serve him so well.

thanks all for bothering to read and reply

I always have prayer and the NC has served me well

the other option is waiting watching for the crash.

soo painful with d10 having no anonimity through it.

[arabella]

basically am settling out of court as the lawyers , even mine sided with him.

This doesn't sound right to me. I realize that more debt is the last thing you need, but have you gotten a second opinion from another lawyer/law firm? You can't be left with no options and it sounds like this 'agreement' is more like blackmail on his part.

400 person village.

and no jobs... .

I don't know about the laws in your area, but most jurisdictions will not allow an agreement that keeps one parent 'trapped' without any possibility of generating their own income or moving on with their life. With a 50/50 parenting split you wouldn't be able to move particularly far, but you should be able to get out of the village.

Could he evn comprehend that Im not OUT TO GET HIM?

The victim role seems to serve him so well.

Short answer? No. You've said it all. He is well served by playing the victim, he most definitely is not going to give that up now. 

[nona]

After consulting a number of attorneys in vancouver BC, they ALL told me Id better learn how to be happy with 50/50.

BC loves it , judges love it men love it.

Ive given this ALOT of thought and still tried to fight for a residential change,

All I can imagine is the province must save $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

No dead beat dads with 50/50

No support enforcement costs for the province

MEn "look good" the new "daddys are wonderful" movement

its a provincial system of mostly men.

even the "aggressive " women attorneys told me "deal with it", "you wont get more than 50/50"

This was $500.00 each time I interviewed a lawyer with my story and questions.

MAybe its just.B.C. I dunno

sucks

After viewing my latest bill, I officially quilify for legal aid, now we will see if any of the legal aid attorneys will touch me.

Even the local domestic violence shelter  sent me home and told me to "Make nice"

[GreenMango]

Sometimes we have to let someone hit bottom for anything to change.  Until then most addicts keep doing what they are doing until they can't anymore - sometimes that means losing a professional license or being totally exposed.  Hard lessons for sure.  The beauty of a small village is eventually things catch up to a person.  There's only so much a person is willing to stick their reputation/neck out for even in a small patriarchy.  Give it enough time and people will get worn out from mollycoddling this seeing things for what they are and realizing the risks are too high.

Keeping the focus on your daughter and you will reap the best for both of you as this circus winds to close.

[nona]

I understand the potential of hitting bottom on his own. Im watching it.

gossip is UBPDX is getting sued

lawyers are in communities 2 and 3 hours away. so THEY dont witness much.

I had hoped a judge would see... . but cant even afford to get in front of a judge

he has broke me with hundreds of bat___ crazy e-mails and the lawyers still nod along with him.


the locals who see him are all his patients,  most suckin up to and idolizing him.

they are witnessing the derelict but nobody who matters sees him.



he's got me in quite the bind.

Yes. focus on d10 is good.

she is doing soo muuuuuuuuuuch better ,

A Circus indeed.