Feeling hopeless, very very low

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So as I posted a few days ago, my exBPD girlfriend (former fiance) is already seeing a new guy. I'm fairly sure this started less than a month after she left, and it's been 6 weeks total now since I last saw her and 3 weeks NC (mostly just me begging her to give me a chance and her ignoring me anyways). The worst part of this is my part in all of it and the knowledge that if I'd been there for her more at the end, we would still be together and happy. I was always so angry and got more and more controlling. I was always so close-minded to her beliefs, and while I didn't say she shouldn't believe in anything, when she started going to AA and getting more and more religious again, I was scared and angry, rather than supportive. I said things like she should only go to church once a week since I'd be starting a new job in a few months and would like to actually see her when I get home. I was always so freaking stubborn, and I don't know why. I did put up with a lot in her drinking, but never at any point during that or her emotional lability and issues did she ever stop showing me affection or love. I was supposed to be there to support her, and in the end I became distant and less affectionate, even emotionally abusive. I am disgusting.

Before we met, I was terrible at even starting a relationship. Most of them only lasted a few months at best, as I never felt any real connection with anyone until her. I was and am extremely afraid of ending up alone, have a terrible self image and self worth, and generally feel like I will never find happiness. She changed all of that. I am the hopeless romantic type, and I feel things very deeply. I had always wanted to find "love at first sight", and that's what we had. Some of it may have been mirroring, but the truth of the matter is, she worked on many of her issues throughout our relationship and bettered herself in so many ways, overcoming smoking, drinking, and some of her emotional lability. I didn't change at all. I expected her to always change and be the perfect person or something. I started to take her for granted and forgot where I came from before we met. In the end, she claimed to leave mostly because of difference in beliefs, but what it really came down to was I was just not the man she thought I was, and she couldn't take the hurt anymore. I have tried talking to close friends and family the past few days, and while they usually can help me, I am just continuing to spiral lower and lower and fear where I am headed. I have a therapy appointment today, and I am praying she may be able to help. I feel lesser than worthy of her or anyone really. I feel hopeless, completely empty, and so, so alone.

[mtmc01]

So as I posted a few days ago, my exBPD girlfriend (former fiance) is already seeing a new guy. I'm fairly sure this started less than a month after she left, and it's been 6 weeks total now since I last saw her and 3 weeks NC (mostly just me begging her to give me a chance and her ignoring me anyways). The worst part of this is my part in all of it and the knowledge that if I'd been there for her more at the end, we would still be together and happy. I was always so angry and got more and more controlling. I was always so close-minded to her beliefs, and while I didn't say she shouldn't believe in anything, when she started going to AA and getting more and more religious again, I was scared and angry, rather than supportive. I said things like she should only go to church once a week since I'd be starting a new job in a few months and would like to actually see her when I get home. I was always so freaking stubborn, and I don't know why. I did put up with a lot in her drinking, but never at any point during that or her emotional lability and issues did she ever stop showing me affection or love. I was supposed to be there to support her, and in the end I became distant and less affectionate, even emotionally abusive. I am disgusting.

Before we met, I was terrible at even starting a relationship. Most of them only lasted a few months at best, as I never felt any real connection with anyone until her. I was and am extremely afraid of ending up alone, have a terrible self image and self worth, and generally feel like I will never find happiness. She changed all of that. I am the hopeless romantic type, and I feel things very deeply. I had always wanted to find "love at first sight", and that's what we had. Some of it may have been mirroring, but the truth of the matter is, she worked on many of her issues throughout our relationship and bettered herself in so many ways, overcoming smoking, drinking, and some of her emotional lability. I didn't change at all. I expected her to always change and be the perfect person or something. I started to take her for granted and forgot where I came from before we met. In the end, she claimed to leave mostly because of difference in beliefs, but what it really came down to was I was just not the man she thought I was, and she couldn't take the hurt anymore. I have tried talking to close friends and family the past few days, and while they usually can help me, I am just continuing to spiral lower and lower and fear where I am headed. I have a therapy appointment today, and I am praying she may be able to help. I feel lesser than worthy of her or anyone really. I feel hopeless, completely empty, and so, so alone.

[mango_flower]

Just wanted to gently challenge something you said -

That if you'd known more, and tried harder, you'd still have been together and happy.

I don't think that's true.  Nothing can make them happy - only temporarily.  The bar would get raised higher and higher and higher, and you'd fall at one of the hurdles eventually. 

I understand the guilt you feel - you say you became less affectionate and more distant.  I am guilty of this too.  I also feel that if I'd communicated more, we'd still be happy and together.  But two things:

1) You're not super human.  You say she never stopped showing you affection, BUT her behaviours WOULD have taken a toll on you!  It's a natural self-protection mechanism to disengage... .

2) Regardless of whether it would have worked, regardless of how much you loved/love her... . is this the way you wanted your life to go?  I don't know the ins and outs of your ex's BPD behaviour, but I am guessing there were some traits or you wouldn't be posting here.  Do you really think you deserve so little that you're prepared to put up with this?  If you could pick your perfect person from scratch, would the BPD behaviours be on that list?

You are not alone. You are not unworthy.  Read the stories here - they are testament to that.  xxx

[mtmc01]

Considering that I was 26 when we met and had never really been in love, yes this is how I wanted my life to go. She told me right off the bat she had issues, and I knew it wasn't going to be breezy. I did think that being with me, her supposed "soul mate" would help though. Sure, I put up with some difficulty, but there was always love at the core of it. There is no such thing as a "perfect person". I'm certainly not anyone's idea of one.

[mtmc01]

And yes, she is most likely borderline, although at times I talk myself out of it. However, she meets 7/9 criteria, was making me promise I'd never leave her constantly within a week of meeting, was intensely afraid of me leaving her, used to have a terrible eating disorder that required her to be institutionalized years before we met, dealt with an awful divorce as a child and a sort of abandonment with her father and took the divorce on herself, dealt with severe depression at times, had tried killing herself in the past, and when I was considering ending things months before she left she took an entire bottle of Celexa & we spent the night in the ER.

[DragoN]

mtmc01,

I can relate to your lousy feelings, and she is gone. Break ups are hard enough between nons, and exponentially worse from a pwBPD as they manage to wiggle their way into the deepest parts of us. And, you would likely be feeling the same way , 10 years later into the relationship standing by your side sniping and raging at you.

Therapy is  almost a necessity if you are to be in a relationship with a BPD, otherwise, seriously? Very few can tolerate the insanity. Essentially, there are 3 in the marriage. Without a therapist to keep the non grounded, it can get pretty bad.

Hopelessness? You had hopes for her. Why not focus that on you? You are worthy of far more than being someone's emotional junk pile.

[DragoN]

it starts out with them idealizing you, giving you so much apparent unconditional love that it can be overwhelming... and if your a bit on the needy side from your upbringing (like distant parents, some abuse, a generally fearful outlook on life)... the intensity of the attachment you get for the person with BPD... is like a primary attachment, the kind a person has for their mother for instance. Then when they get clingy... it just seems like non-sense as you can't imagine leaving them... then they typically either leave you or turn hateful... either one is tough to handle, you stay and take the abuse and are miserable and hope for things to go back like they were at first... .    but they never do.

The crucible of my addiction to my partner. Knowing that, has freed me. I don't loathe nor wish him ill, but I do wish for myself better and peace to him, which he will never find.

[charred]

I think the hard thing to me was that my pwBPD made me feel important and special, ... . and then it was devastating to learn that the r/s was experienced so differently by her than by me. First reaction was to believe I was bad because I was in pain and it must be my fault... fact is the pain hurts, but only means you are in pain, and you wouldn't be if you had been realistic... at some point you had   you ignored, you accepted praise that you knew was without any basis... and so on... we intensely need unconditional love, and to feel important and to be special... and jump at what seems like it. Knowing that we have these unmet needs, we have to get through the hopeless times, and then work on ourselves and fix that old hurt, so we can be in genuine relationships exchanging love for love, rather than the intense, dysfunctional, need for need exchange that we have with a disordered person.

[DragoN]

Agree with that. Also, my partner was terribly insecure, so I catered to that, and essentially allowed myself to be cut off from others. It was unreal the accusations of even my GF's. Accusing me of being gay and what not. I was for years essentially not allowed to have friends, and if I did, he would make it so unbearable. He had to be there for any and everything. To monitor me. I could not look around at a restaurant or I would be accused of wanting to F*** the man at another table.

It was sickening.

Much of that sort of thing is no longer present. Boundaries. However, it also high lights, the lack of a real relationship. Many other aspects as well.

[charred]

Being isolated by the pwBPD is normal for the r/s... . not good. I managed to get very isolated, my job had me traveling all the time, withdrew from my close family (wife was becoming exwife/daughter was so upset she didn't want to be with me... . was forced to... she was 9 at time... and it was horrible on everyone), I didn't want to burden friends with all the drama and heartache, and ended up just me and the pwBPD... then when that was going bad... it amplified everything, I either had her smothering me, or it was dead silence... really hard to take.

Now that some time has passed (coming up on a year seeing a T and being fully broke up from her, and 3 yrs out from when my daughter didn't want to be with me)... I don't mind being by myself, I get along with my exwife better than when we were married, my daughter wants to spend extra time with me, I have dated new women and at times even have hope.

My exwife out of the blue indicated she was giving up on us reconciling (I had been thinking of it) and the news put me in a funk yesterday... . my daughter is with me this weekend, and I had her today... I thought because daughter was out of school and exwife was working, then I find out exwife was not working, but seeing new guy... she brought skates by house for daughter (had guy in her car... she parked a ways from house, but both daughter and I saw)... and I was really starting to get bummed. Then a gal I had gone out with texted me (flirting)... and I saw a new picture of her on FB (she looked really nice)... and I felt a bit better, then I checked zillow (house sold next door finally after about a year)... . and my house jumped gigantically in value (supposedly anyway)... so it all served to remind me of something.

There is no good or bad, but that your thinking makes it so.

I can choose to be depressed because my wife of 20 yrs is moving on... . or I can still be friends with her and explore new, younger, hotter women if I like. Can be bummed that I am stuck in the house I was in when my marriage fell apart... or excited that I could buy a new porsche for what it has gone up in value in the last few months... . and it is the same with being hopeless.

You have taken a big hit to your ego, it hurts like hell... understanding BPD, understanding that the person that you fell for was not your soulmate, but rather a disordered person with the emotional maturity of a 2-3 yr old... who wasn't actually "miss perfect"... but was just smiling and saying they like whatever you do too... while not really giving a rat's butt what you truly were like... helps adjust your thinking a bit. Seeing them go to someone else the first time is devastating... for me I have seen it about 4-5 times with different people... . and this last time... I was laughing about it and wondering how many months it would last... . started fearing it would work out and what do you know, not only did it crash and burn... but my exBPDgf got an STD and had to have some kind of laser surgery for it.

Guess what, seeing her as mentally an infant in some ways... . who I treated like she was my mother in other ways, but who was as faithful as an alley cat and has the STD to prove it... . really helped take her off her pedestal and make her real for me. I see that the idealizing phase was all a lie, she couldn't keep up acting nice... and it was an act. The clingy phase, was a hint at what she was really like, but she kind of wavered between nice/clingy/mean... . however the hater... was so intense, truthful and scary (like Jodi Arias level rage)... . that it finally became clear to me that having her wanting to dump me or be gone... . was the best thing that could happen for me. I am still alive, she is supposedly with someone better (whoever that is this week)... and I have had my eyes open that I have my own issues to work on (I am)... and my future will be whatever I make it... not whatever floormat cowering existance I would have had to have to try to make her happy (its hard to make a normal woman happy... . impossible with a pwBPD in my opinion.)

So, cheer up... it wasn't you (though you should work on you)... and its only as bad as you choose for it to be.