someone tell me what to do with this

[qwaszx]

someone tell me what to do... .  we havnt talked in a couple days, so i emailed her last night... .  this is her responce.

i dont want to put it on verbatium... .  but i dont know a way to really sum it up... .  

Pretty much that the state of mind shes in states shes;

-taking everything out of context

-hitting harder then it should

-feeling attacked or just beaten down

-acting out of frantic helplessness

-feels like right now shes no good to anyone, that shes an emotional time bomb.

"I don't want to scar you anymore with ~ that I can't take back. Words last forever. They just float around our heads doing damage even when we don't realize it. I promise I was going to explain all this when my head was a little clearer."

"I don't want to be anyone's burden anymore but mine. I may not be the devil, but I'm pretty damn close. I feel like poison. I feel like a constant disappoint to the people around me because I just can't seem to get it right. I have no idea what I'm doing. I do love you, I really do. I'm just lost on how to be friend and not drag you down with me"

"im sorry"

all i can seem to do is cry :'( i dont know what to do. i wish these emotions came in my email cuz i might just send a tone of these things " "

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bruceli]

In the same place right now all you can do is validate and ride out the storm.  We start therapy next week... .  just trying to hold on till then.

[briefcase]

She sounds pretty down right now.  Validation is a great tool for these kinds of situations.  Email may not be the best way to communicate - tone gets lost, there is no non-verbal communication, etc. 

You can validate what she's feeling, even if you don't agree with or understand why she's feeling that way. 

Have you read the Lessons?  We have some grear workshops on validation.   

[qwaszx]

yeah i've been trying to fill my head with as much knowledge as i can... .  i would love to call her, but i know she wont answer(i was suprised i got a responce tbh), im hoping she hasnt block me from email now and im trying to set a phone line up to actually be able to call her from my phone, or at least try to, though shes blocked me from texting so i figured its the same as calls... .  i try and give her as much support and validation as i can, this parts the hardest on both of us... . we've been here before, though after 3years this is only the second time shes actually blocked me out(first time was last week), she'd brought it up about a month ago that she was questioning that if she really loved me then why wouldnt she just leave and spare me all the pain from her i dont want her to stop being my friend because she's got some "stuff" that she needs to work through, we all have "stuff" we need to work through, hers is simply deeper, and a lot harder to do... . i still want to be here for her... . im so worried about her, but im keeping together pretty well... . i think... .

her worlds falling apart. i have no idea how to help her with that, i dont know where she'll live or go... . i would like her to stick with therapy, but this program shes been in for over a year now has done nothing but make her worse(from my point of view)

Thank you for the replys

[waverider]

The danger you have here is inadvertently invalidating her while actually trying to be supportive. Dont get into reassurances that she has got it all wrong or has no reason to feel that way. That will just say to her that you cant accept the way she is, or how she feels.

Best give her space, if you can/do contact her, ask her more about how she feels without countering any of it. eg

SHE: I'm ruining your life.

YOU:Why do you think you are doing that? (Dont say no you are not).

SHE:Because I do/say XYZ.

YOU: In what way do you think that affects me.

SHE:Because you will hate me.

YOU: Does it upset you more to think I may hate you (Dont say no I wont)

etc It is about her perception, and accepting her perception. It is not about you proving to her she is wrong. She cant be a little wrong, if shes a bit wrong shes totally wrong>>back to start.

[qwaszx]

thanks for putting that up:) it was a great reminder of what i should say to her in these situations, and how say it with out unconciously invalabating her feelings. 

before i knew any of this i'd always ask alot of these types of questions, she always bugs me now because i ask a lot of questions... .  its good to know im doing something right