I am a failure at therapy

[Depression = 72% of members]

All through my ordeal with my BPD (I think) ex, I have been in therapy.  So for the past 2 1/2 years I have been basically treading water, because I have just simply been trying to detach.  Now that I have achieved that, I REALLY need up work.  Now I feel empty and awful, the worst ever.

I have had to switch therapists a few times, not by choice, but because of insurance issues.  I am ready to switch again, this time because I am not satisfied with my therapist.  I wanted to check in with you all here though, to see if I am out of line in wanting to switch.  Is she right, and I'm just being defensive?  I don't know. 

She constantly tells me that she feels sorry for my ex.

She says I should wish him well ( I agree, but am not ready for that.  I don't have bad wishes for him, but I am not there yet with the well wishes!)

She tells me I should try an outpatient program.  I tell her I can't afford it, but she spends the entire session talking about that, rather than trying to work on my issues.

Everyone else I've seen has been very validating, without going overboard.  I feel like this woman is NOT on my side.

Ami being too sensitive?  I don't trust myself right now to have good judgement on this.  Should I try again to find someone else?  If so, what should I be looking for?

[PM10]

All through my ordeal with my BPD (I think) ex, I have been in therapy.  So for the past 2 1/2 years I have been basically treading water, because I have just simply been trying to detach.  Now that I have achieved that, I REALLY need up work.  Now I feel empty and awful, the worst ever.

I have had to switch therapists a few times, not by choice, but because of insurance issues.  I am ready to switch again, this time because I am not satisfied with my therapist.  I wanted to check in with you all here though, to see if I am out of line in wanting to switch.  Is she right, and I'm just being defensive?  I don't know. 

She constantly tells me that she feels sorry for my ex.

She says I should wish him well ( I agree, but am not ready for that.  I don't have bad wishes for him, but I am not there yet with the well wishes!)

She tells me I should try an outpatient program.  I tell her I can't afford it, but she spends the entire session talking about that, rather than trying to work on my issues.

Everyone else I've seen has been very validating, without going overboard.  I feel like this woman is NOT on my side.

Ami being too sensitive?  I don't trust myself right now to have good judgement on this.  Should I try again to find someone else?  If so, what should I be looking for?

[HarmKrakow]

You answer your own question... .

Should you change? Yes you should. Why? Go read your post again.

Are you a failure? What? Did you read what you just wrote? You don't get the therapy you want and then you are a failure? How does that work? Like seriously? I'm not joking brother, I really mean that. How does it mean that you fail, if you clearly don't get the help you were looking for? How is that failure?

Face the facts here okay?

1. You are in therapy

2. You feel you don't gain enough and therefore wonder should you change?

3. You write you failed therapy while ... .

4. You state you need help

5. And its not going the way you want and therefore want to change so it WILL work ... .

6. So you didn't fail... .

Spit it out please.

[PM10]

I just thought maybe she is right and I am wrong.  I don't know.

[Whatwasthat]

Hi PM.

I had some very good counselling sessions last year which were unfortunately limited in number - that's just how it's set up here. But I liked the therapist very much and he helped me move on considerably and I trusted his judgement. Since it wasn't possible for me to continue seeing him I asked for his advice on how to chose another T. He recommended that I look for someone belonging to one of a couple of accredited organisations he listed but that in the end what really mattered was that I find someone that I felt I could connect with and build a good relationship with. He said that progress would only be possible once I had cemented a firm and trusting relationship with a new T.

Do you feel you have been able to build a good relationship with your current T? Does it feel like a good fit?

Maybe it never really worked with this T - maybe you haven't had time yet to really judge - or maybe it worked initially and doesn't really any more? If it's the final option it is possible that you are reaching a 'sticking point' that you have to navigate with the help of the T. Or it might be that for some reason the T is no longer a good fit and cannot help you progress any further. No-one can really make the decision for you as to what you should do - I would simply say do be completely open with the T and do not hesitate to voice all your frustrations and concerns to her. But in the end you will have to make the judgement for yourself.

Wishing you well. WWT.

[HarmKrakow]

I just thought maybe she is right and I am wrong.  I don't know.

Whatwasthat was right, as she always is, and put it far better than I did, but in essence I completely agree with her.

If you (!) feel it doesn't work, you should try to tell her, if then there is no change. You get a different therapist.

If you have a friendship which is going south, and something is happening what you don't like, you try to change it. If no one wants to change, you end the friendship. Whats the point of continuing under your own drama?

[DreamGirl]

She tells me I should try an outpatient program.  I tell her I can't afford it, but she spends the entire session talking about that, rather than trying to work on my issues.

Everyone else I've seen has been very validating, without going overboard.  I feel like this woman is NOT on my side.

Ami being too sensitive?  I don't trust myself right now to have good judgement on this.  Should I try again to find someone else?  If so, what should I be looking for?

Hi PM10,

I "failed" therapy the last go round myself.

What I did was placed all of my "stuff" neatly in a box, tied it with a bow, and placed it on a shelf. Then a crisis happened and I had not a choice but to deal with it - my life as I knew it depended on it.

So, I get it. 

Two questions.

1.) Do you trust your therapist?

2.) If you were diagnosed with cancer, would you figure out a way to "afford" chemotherapy and radiation to save your life? Is this outpatient program worth it maybe... .   to be able to "live" your life without being in a state of feeling miserable?

You deserve to figure this stuff out. 

[PM10]

I understand what you are saying.  This illuminates a problem I have in general, I guess?  I don't get rid of friendships that aren't working either.  I am about to go into therapy now.  I will let you know how it goes!

[Whatwasthat]

... .   and you might decide that your therapist is correct. But the key thing is to explore the issues fully with her and to let her know exactly what you're feeling about it all... .   it might take a few sessions to work out what the best thing is to do.

[PM10]

Thank you for all of your responses.  I did tell her how I was feeling, and she seemed to adjust based on that. I am still mad at her, I guess.  But I will give it a few more sessions.  It is really hard to find someone with the insurance I have!

[ForeverDad]

The first therapist I sought was the closest to my home.  This was before my separation/divorce and I wanted my then-spouse to come with me for joint counseling.  There was a little scene at the office once we arrived but then she refused to do joint.  She wanted to attend solely to 'help' me be counseled.  Fortunately the office manager said no, she would have to wait in the lobby if she didn't want joint therapy.

However, though I got a lettered therapist, I had sessions with T asking me for family background, listening to me describe my struggles (and little son's too) dealing with my spouse, without any suggestions or recommendations.  After 3 sessions of family history I said this wasn't addressing or helping the family discord and suspended the visits.  To this day I cannot comprehend how I did not get any advice over the course of 3 visits.

What I'm saying is that there are some incapable, ineffectual, or clueless professionals out there.  I think my first therapist was one or all of those.

Yours seems to have needed a reminder of reality too.  "She feels sorry for my ex"?  In what way?  That ex suffered from your behaviors?  Or that you need to 'understand' or 'pity' your ex and ex's motivations for poor behaviors?

Seeking therapy is a very, very good thing.  Making progress is the goal, though it may be slow at first or it may be in spurts.  Recovery is a process, not an event.  Keep on that path and you'll definitely be making progress.

[lockedout]

I had a therapist for a while. I went first so I could be "fixed" and become a decent and loving husband. We kind of tricked her into going by saying that it was simply to get an uninterrupted perspective on all the problems I was having that were the cause of out marriage troubles. The therapist thought she was as nice and cool as could be and she played the "nice" role through several joint visits. She would be nice during the appointment but there would be hell to pay after me and the therapist "ganged" up on her. This is the side of it that he'd never hear and he took the "nice" act hook, line, and sinker. I showed up a little early once to relay my suspicions of BPD. He went into his DSM IV text book and came to the conclusion that because she had a job, wasn't addicted to drugs, and didn't have numerous intimate relationships that it was totally impossible that she could have BPD. I stopped all research on it from that point on for the next six months and continued to focus on myself which included a full psych evaluation. She stopped going to therapy when I said I didn't think the current course of treatment was working; I "threw her out" of our marriage counseling. In the final days when I begged her to come back to therapy with me, I was "abusing her" and this was just another attempt at manipulation. She knew that because that's what the women in her abuse support group told her I was doing. It didn't take into account the pending mental breakdown I had several days later. 

The full psych eval revealed that I had ADHD (already on meds for it), major depressive disorder, and GAD; but not Asperger's as she had totally convinced me that I had. At that point if she told me I had Down's Syndrome, I would have signed up for a chromosome test. This testing also included a therapist-therapist conference. When we were going over my results, the one who did the testing gazed right at me and asked if I liked my then current therapist. I knew what she was thinking but couldn't say. I had a few more sessions with him after the separation and stopped all together. Nice guy, but his quick dismissal of the BPD made six months of misery that much worse.

Running is my main therapy now - I'm just too tired to be angry, the endorphins keep the depression in check, and the races I've been entering give me goals and stuff to look forward to. If I were to go back to a therapist, I'd be looking closely at the type of therapy they do. Psychodynamic (which is what this guy was) is pretty much useless - it's about digging up old wounds and trying to find solutions through them. I'll be putting my bets on MBCT and SBCT but there are many other approaches. Psychology Today is a good website that breaks it all down and describes the different treatment methods when you search for a therapist. 

[Clearmind]

PM10 we all have triggers and we all have certain coping skills which sometimes can inhibit us moving forward.

Has your therapist hit a raw nerve?

Coming out of a relationship with a Borderline it’s likely we all have some quirks. Validating only works to a point then its time to switch it up a notch.  

Its common for us, who attach to Borderlines to be over accommodating - to sacrifice ourselves for the happiness of others. This is where we get our sense of value – by “doing”. By “doing” things for others we are also masking our own script. It’s your therapists job to not over accommodate but to help you dig deep to fix that inner script that helped you to attach to a Borderline in the first place.

The journey is not fun and it’s full of vulnerability – learn to move through that vulnerability rather than run from it.

[PM10]

Clearmind,  that was my concern.  That I was just trying to bail because I had been triggered or something.  The thing is though, and I think I am being honest withy self here, I WANT to be triggered, or challenged at least. I want to WORK, but I am not getting that from her.  I am just getting I "should" feel a certain way. She is not helping me delve into my thoughts or my feelings.  We are not doing any of that.  I agree I have to move beyond validation too, but I feel I haven't even gotten THAT from her.  I don't know... .  

[Clearmind]

PM, have this conversation with her. We are in the drivers seat - and I agree that if after this conversation you feel she is not the right fit then of course find another therapist.

I see a psychotherapist - lots of inner work.