Drama

[allibaba]

Yesterday we had a great day… my husband, my son and I.  Late in the day, I got a call that my dad had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.  I cried but I knew that something was terribly wrong for a long time so it is no serious shock.

This morning my uBPDh woke up in a terror.  He got mad because I handed our son a book and he said it was too early for that.  He stormed into the living room and proclaimed that it was 19C in the house (and that I care so little I didn’t bother to turn on the heat – it is supposed to be 20C).  He went into the kitchen and there were two rinsed off plates on the counter and he threw them on the floor.  They were nice plates that were his mother's before she died.  Our baby’s sippy cup of milk was on the floor and he came into the bathroom and threw it at me in the shower.  Slamming the door so hard that the baby (who was on the floor of the bathroom cried).

He told me to cancel the plans that he had made for tomorrow and when I wouldn’t pick up the phone right then and do it he went mental.  He threatened me and he began to get physically aggressive.  I took the baby and left the house immediately. He took my wallet while I was leaving and when I asked for it back he retaliated.  I never once touched him.  Yelled at him or called him a name.  And he said that he told me not to mess with him and now I did – he wants a divorce.  I left the house and I called a local domestic violence shelter and asked if I could come in.  They asked if I was safe and I said yes.  Then they told me that I couldn’t come in because the woman was there alone.  Funny I always assumed that if I called them for help they would be there.  There goes that excellent plan. 

I lost my glasses in the physical commotion leaving the house.  I am not supposed to drive without them but made do.  I returned home because I have nowhere else to go and got the following letter:

[My maiden name] I wish you luck

Dearest [my first name]

I sit in the kitchen to write this long overdue letter, smoking a cigarette, wondering how this all ended so badly.

I recall when we first met…. I was captivated!

Even as you stood by me I wondered…... . in awe and amazement….

Maybe you used it all up…. And for that I grieve…. And will forever….

I had always though that you were holding it all together.  Now I realize you were just hanging on…. Who could blame you.

I have tried and tried and tried and failed!

I don’t know if you have tried or ever really wanted to sadly…... .

Dreams are only that if no action or the wrong action is taken.

I do not know what the “future” holds for me and I guess that I never have.

I do know this is not working.

Sadly I love you and our son.  But love does not a household make.  If it did everyone would be together forever.

Life and love  IS WORK – STRUCTURE – ORGANIZATION – COMMITMENT – KEEPING ONES PROMISES – DEDICATION – CARING – REMEMBERING – COMPASSION and DOING THINGS WHEN WE DON’T WANT TO OR CARE ABOUT IT.

FOLLOWED BY THAT SENSE OF LOVE.  IT IS THE RESULT…. NOT THE ACTION.

I have never felt so alone of betrayed or abused.

You ignore me and my wants COMPLETELY!

This is how I have felt for a long time sadly!

Our house is toxic for everyone.  So I shall leave.  It takes two to tango.  Where? What? Who? How?  When?  I don’t know, but I am working on it.

I AM VERY SORRY.

Take care of our son.

And yourself.

PS We could have had it all.

I will miss the dream and the good days.

PSS I hope that your dad does well.  I liked him very much.

ADDENDUM

Sadly as I am not 21 and healthy I need time to create a new home due to dietary needs (having access to food) and medications so I cannot just run off.  Sadly!

I am working on a new arrangement and will be gone very soon.

***********

I work full time and take care of the house and our son but he constantly complains that I am not organized enough or consistent enough with housework.  The rules change every day. 

What am I going to do?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[daze]

Allibaba,

I am so sorry this is happening to you.  As confusing and scary as it is, if he is getting physically aggressive, it's best that he leave you to raise your son alone.  Children should not witness domestic violence - it's one of the contributing factors to BPD.

Has he done this often? 

Do you think he will move out? 

Does he have a job?

Does he have any idea that something is wrong with him?

I'm so sorry.   

Daze

[allibaba]

Has he done this often? 

Do you think he will move out? 

Does he have a job?

Does he have any idea that something is wrong with him?

This has happened handful of times over 10 years.  Twice where I truly felt threatened (including today)  I had stopped it for at least 6 months by making it clear that I would call the police.  I did actually call the police and they came out once.  I was careful what I told them.  I told them that I felt threatened... .   it had a terrible impact on him.  It was so hard on him that I promised that I would never call the police again unless I truly felt that my life was in danger.  As traumatic as this morning was... .   my life was never in danger.

No he will not move out.

No he does not have a job.  He finished a seasonal job in March and has another one lined up for the summer... .   I support him financially.

When he calms down he does know that something is wrong.  He agreed to see a therapist last week because of a meltdown.  Said that he couldn't put our family through any more of this... .   then yesterday went back on his word and said that its my fault that he's crazy.

Thanks for the response.  It means a lot.

[daze]

It is good to hear that physical aggression does not happen often.  It's really scary to feel threatened and for some reason, he's triggered.  I wish you had been able to call the police on him yesterday.  He's in need of consequences! 

Do you have any idea what triggered him?  You said you guys had a great day before. It's just bizarre how quickly things can change. I know from my experience with uBPDh that sometimes he doesn't even know that triggered him.

Do you have an escape plan?  Evidently the shelter is not a reliable backup plan - that's scary.  My husband and I are separated so I don't have much experience with escape plans.  I would think you'd want a clothes for you and your son, maybe snacks, money, handbag, keys, and glasses ready to go at a moment's notice.

Do you have family or friends nearby?

Maybe someone will escape plan experience will post soon. 

[allibaba]

He triggered because (wow this is going to sound silly)... .   every year we tap for and cook maple syrup.  Same group of friends come up and do it.  Last year he decided that these friends were the most boring people in the world... .   being bored or around boring people is a trigger for him.

Well this year we planned tapping and then all of a sudden the morning of he said CALL EVERYONE and CANCEL.  I wouldn't.  I don't want to bounce around like a yo yo with social plans.  So he left the house and I tapped anyway.  I have done all the work for it.  A 50 gal barrel mysteriously got dumped (really don't know if it was him) and then I managed to collect another 50.  So today is the day that we are supposed to be cooking.  Yesterday morning he went mental about it and said "you call everyone right now and cancel."  I did later in the day... .   but that is what made him angry.

So now I have to cook it on my own... .   and our friends know something odd is going on

I'm probably ok for escape plans.  As long as I can get the keys, the baby and the car I can buy anything else.  I do have friends that I can go to... .   I just don't want to let them in on the drama.

Thanks for the post yesterday.  I really appreciate it.

My glasses are still missing.  He knocked them off my face and I am pretty sure that he hit them.   

[allibaba]

Was supposed to be HID not HIT.

[zaqsert]

Hi Allibaba,

I'm also sorry you're having to go through this.

So now I have to cook it on my own... .   and our friends know something odd is going on

I'm probably ok for escape plans.  As long as I can get the keys, the baby and the car I can buy anything else.  I do have friends that I can go to... .   I just don't want to let them in on the drama.

For what it's worth... .     Just recently I started talking with two friends about what I am going through.  One has been a good friend for quite a few years, has very little contact with my wife, and I had mostly lost touch with her for the past few years.  The other is a friend I had made through work who has no contact with my wife.

The support I've been getting here from the bpdfamily community has been excellent, now that I finally started posting and participating.  Discussing things with my T has been really helpful too.  But there's something about actually being able to chat about my life with a real-life friend or two that has felt good.

With other friends, even good friends, I've felt like I've been holding back and often being careful what I said and didn't say.  In a way, I was making myself walk on eggshells so as not to expose anything outside of my home.  Now it feels really good not to have to walk on eggshells with these two friends.  I feel like my support network is stronger.

One of them had been through a nasty divorce just a few years ago.  She suggested that I have my own list (mental list is ok) of who I will call when I need different types of support (e.g., just listen, push me to do what I know I need to do, think things through out loud, cheer me up, etc.).

I certainly understand not wanting to drag friends into the chaos.  My T also suggested that it's good that I have not mentioned anything to my family, otherwise it might just give them another strong reason to dislike my wife.  The same would also apply to friends.  Or worse, it would probably taint friends who like her.

Maybe I'm lucky that I have a couple of distant friends who I can now reach out to, but I found it emotionally helpful.

I hope you find your glasses soon!

[waitaminute]

CANCEL!  wow you bring back memories. It was a different situation but the thing in common (probably) is that my BPDgf at the time had no concern for the possible consequences. She wanted me to cancel reservations at some campground because she preferred another one nearby that we just stopped at. Because I wanted to wait to see if there was an availability at her preferred campground, it started a big fight. I was supposed to ignore the fact that we were literally a hundred miles from anywhere at a very secluded cove in a foreign country (foreign for me, at least). That was just the start of it. Later the same day at the beach there, the sun was going down. There was only an unlit goat trail up a ridge to our campground. Flashlights were in our packs back there. As the sun sunk deeper and deeper and finally became dark, she preferred to argue as I pleaded for her to go back to the camp with me. No concept of consequences. I saw it a lot.


If you have the secret of how to interject reason into a crisis moment, let me know.

[daze]

Yeah, you just never know what's gonna trigger and when.  We have to cancel plans frequently.  Very annoying.

My glasses are still missing.  He knocked them off my face and I am pretty sure that he hid them.  sad

Kinda odd to hide someone's glasses but my husband did it too!  He hid them for a week and then he mysteriously found them next to the foot of the bed.  That was after I thoroughly searched under the bed with a flashlight on two occasions, including moving furniture.  Gaslighting... .  

Hope you have a better week than weekend!