Trauma Conflicting with Relationships?

[Babysteps]

Hey everyone. If you haven't seen some of my other threads, I'm a freshman in college and I believe my mom is uBPD. Things got dramatically worse in the past year, but she still has been pretty bad my whole life. The problem is, I never knew that certain things were wrong, and a lot of her actions and behaviors have caused me to have certain negative thoughts about myself and very different behaviors wired into my mind.

For example, I'm extremely love shy. I have never had a boyfriend and it is a huge terrifying step to let my guard down and be in a relationship. I am little miss independent woman. But I am a dramatic degree of that because of the way my mom and family works. I realized it is TERRIFYING to let someone in. I can't handle people getting close to me. I can't handle allowing myself to actually depend on a person and trust them to that degree. I never truly had someone like that (except my sisters but that's still different) to be like this for me.

I found a guy who is too wonderful for me. He wants to be there for me so much, but he doesn't realize that is kinda suffocating to me. I can't handle it right now, my life is too much like hell to begin with. Maybe if things calmed down next semester, I'd totally be able to date him easier, but right now I'm currently homeless (once I move out of my dorm), my mom is treating us like possessions, I may not have enough money to return to school next year, I don't have health insurance, both of my parents are dependent on me to emotionally support them, I need to protect my siblings also, so much so much so much overwhelming stuff that makes me not able to sleep at night without medicine. So taking this big step and being a relationship? All my friends are like "you should date him! You are having a difficult life right now and he can support you. Definitely because the way your life is right now, you should let him in, it'll be good for you." But they don't know what it is like at home truly... .   They don't know how my head works truly. It's awful so awful I hate how everything is. I honestly wish I could be this perfect girl that wasn't so damaged for him, but I can't. No one realizes how damaged I am.

Anyways, this weekend we had a "springsweekend" which is us going to some cheap "resort" place (think like rented cabins I guess?), get wasted out of our minds, and not focus on school. It was with his male literacy society (like fraternities, except they put on literacy productions-it's something fraternities originated from). I went as his date and we shared beds. I got way too drunk that night though. I'm really bad with the order, but I think this happened first... .   But I remember crying because my guyfriend wants to be with me and date me, I want to idealistically date him, but I know I can't handle it right now. He was getting very upset and kept begging me to be with him, ect. This was all in a dark room cuddling together while both of us were wasted. One of the other guy's dates, who is in the female lit society, was telling me that it'll be okay, that he cares about me, that life can be difficult but I should let me people in, ect. I can't remember fully because  was wasted and emotional with bad memory to begin with. What people said word to word I cant fully remember, but I definitely remember how I felt and ect.

I think this what happened next, but maybe this happened before the whole conversation with the other girl. I'm not exactly sure though because Im even worse at organizing my memories in a time logical way. But he starts making out with me. May I point out, that was my first kiss. I was wasted and barely noticed what I was doing. But then I realized what was going on and got upset more. I kept on breaking the kiss and telling him I can't do this, I want to do this with him but I shouldn't, that it isn't right, we shouldn't do this right now. He would say something how we both like each other and start kissing me again. After a bit, I would break up the kiss again, say something again how I cant, how he doesn't know what my mother is like, he doesn't know how messed up I am, how I cant handle this right now, how he deserves better and someone more stable, ect. He would continue to beg me to give him a chance and listen to him and start kissing me again. This happened repeatedly and eventually I gave in and just listened to him. Somehow my shirt came off too during the making out? I vaguely remember him saying "here, let's get this off". But nothing else was taken off. I know sober I would have been like hell no, but sober I wouldn't be making out with him anyways. But I'm not really that bothered but all of that... .   I probably should? I don't know everything is so confusing to begin with.

Both while drunk and sober, he kept trying to cuddle with me, spoon me, hug me, touch me. Now the touching was bad at all. He wasn't being a creep. I know he wanted to hug me though and show his feelings. What he doesn't understand is how my mom gets... .   I feel like she has wired in my mom to make me very uncomfortable to humans touching me. What isn't a big deal for regular people is to me. My mom, to this day, hugs me like a little kid hugs a stuffed animal or a cat. She squeezes me so tightly it's very painful and uncomfortable. She holds me forcefully, kissing my forehead and around me face or neck, saying how her little baby has grown up so much and she loves me soo much. She does this to me whenever SHE wants. I could be sleeping on her bed watching tv and she'll come up behind me, wrap her arms around me, painfully bin me down squeezing painfully tightly. I feel like this bothers me a lot. Her twirling my hair, drawing circles on my skin, rubbing my arm or something, once again bothers me a lot.

What makes it worse is that's what your partners do to do to a degree. I know him, he wants to just express his emotions for me. He knows that my mom is very mentally ill and kinda that she messes up my mind. But I think he thinks I just need to be showed more love-maybe then? Because he kept on wanting me to sit on his lap and would constantly ask me. about 80-90% of the time this weekend that I was cuddling with him was either him asking/telling me I should or when doing so. But I think he thinks that I need it since my mom doesn't properly love me. But that's the opposite, she shows her love too much and it's messing me up. So when he spoons me constantly and would kiss my forehead this weekend, it bothered me so much it made me think of my mom.

When he would wrap his arm tightly around me, it bothered me so much. When he would twirl my hair while I sat with him with his arm tightly across my waist or around my shoulder, or rub his thumb on my thumb while we held hands, or draw circles on my arms or legs, or something like that, it bothered me so much. I kept verbally telling him not to while we were drunk, but we both were drunk, so what do you expect it won't stop. But when we were sober, I would either deal with it or kinda shift away, showing Im uncomfortable, which I think he takes as a sign of rejection. But I'm not rejecting him, that's the thing! It's not him. I just can't handle this stuff right now. This weekend was way too fast. It's nothing against him too, I let him do this. He doesn't know how uncomfortable it makes me. He's not a mind reader. I get so pissed off at myself, but I can't just easily tell him too. I don't know why.

He's been getting very upset too, because I tell him he deserves someone better and I can't be with him. He doesn't understand. I know he wants to be all touchy feely (in a non perverted way-in a romantic actually caring about the person way). I can't be that person. I can't handle that stuff because of the trauma I've been experiencing. I barely can wrapped my mind around it right now, but after this weekend, I'm sure I can't just keep doing this, it'll eat my mind away. Yes, it was kinda interesting making out with him while drunk, but once again I don't think that is the most healthy thing I should be doing right now.

Sorry that this is a long post. I just had a very eventful stressful weekend. I'm utterly confused right now. I'm making new realizations about myself and my abuse and trauma that I have never had before. Any inputs? Recommendations? Ect? Ugh. I wish he wasn't so attracted to me. I can deal with my own crushes, I'm fine with my crushes dating other people. But it hurts me more that I'm hurting him and other people. I don't want anyone else to hurt because I'm messed up. I just wish the male population that just happens to be attracted to me could just leave me alone-not like me. Be friends. Be that support. I'm too messed up to be a proper girlfriend.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Babysteps,

There's nothing wrong with not wanting a relationship to move too fast emotionally or physically. It's also ok to want to work on yourself instead of being in a romantic relationship.

There are a few things in your post that really stand out to me. You said that this guy is "too wonderful" for you. You deserve to be loved. We all do. At the same time, if you're not ready for a relationship, this isn't a good time, or you want to slow things down, then you need to share that with him. If he truly respects you and cares about you, he'll respect that. It doesn't mean that you can't have a relationship in the future, but from what you said, this really isn't the best time for you.

You mentioned that things got physical after you had been drinking and you did some things that you wouldn't have done sober. Do you feel that he respected your needs after you told him that you couldn't kiss him and touch him? It's a huge  if someone continues to touch you after you ask for some space. Your mom does that and it's not ok. It's not ok for your friend to do that either.

It sounds to me like you really need to decide what you are comfortable with, and just like you would do with your mother, set up some boundaries with this friend. It's also important that you feel like you're loveable and deserve to be loved.

Are you working with your counselor on this? How are you doing today?

[GeekyGirl]

One more thing--your safety is the most important thing here. I'd be very careful to not drink around this particular friend--or anyone that you don't trust completely, especially if you know that you do things after drinking that you wouldn't do sober.

[Kwamina]

I understand a lot of what you're going through. I believe it's a good thing that you don't wanna get into a relationship right now because you first want to work on yourself. A lot of people get into relationships without working on themselves first or believe that being with that other person will 'save' them. The comment by Geekygirl about the red flag is very important. I don't know the guy so I can't say too much about your specific situation, but in general I'd say be careful not to mistake persistence for flattery. No is no, no isn't the beginning of a negotiation. If someone does not respect your no, they aren't respecting your boundaries which usually means they want to control you in some way.

[Babysteps]

Thank you guys so much.   You all are truly wonderful.

I talked to him today. I will be able to talk to my counselor about him tomorrow.

I asked him about the making out and shirt thing. To be honest, I think you guys are right. We both were drunk, it was both of our bads. I wasn't prepared for him to start making out with me, while he wasn't prepared for me to react in that certain way. It probably should have been something we could have communicated while sober, and now we know we need better communication. He thought I'd make out with him sober. He was even telling me while I was wasted that ":)on't worry, we can do this again in the morning. We can do this sober. It will be fine." But when morning came, I couldn't. With the shirt thing, I guess I was complaining that I was hot, and he asked if I wanted my shirt off, and I said yeah. I remember saying yeah but not processing what was going on.

I went over a lot of stuff with him. He's willing to take things slow or even just be friends right now. He was still being a little pushy today, but I think we both are confused. He wants to work with my boundaries, I just need to set them and be clear with them. He said he wants to really help me through this and be healthy.

I'm just worried though. He told me I can trust him and that he'll protect me while drunk. But then all this chaos happened and well, although it's not that bad, it's still not what he led me to believe would happen. I'm not holding it against him, I'm just a bit worried. I want to believe him that he will respect my boundaries. All day I've been so on and off on what to think. Currently, while typing this, I feel maybe a relationship with him would be good. But before I felt I can't handle the drama. But it's like, I'm already going to need to deal with this, I might as well try, since there's no going back now. But I'm worried that if I do need to back out, he won't back down easily. I don't want to deal with that.

I think one of the main problems is that I don't know what I want right now and he knows what he wants. He wants to be in a serious relationship with me. Meanwhile, I'm trying to grasp the storm-damage I call my life. It's like, I could be liking him more because I'm stressed out and need someone. I feel like I like him for him, but I don't want to accidentally use him. Blah. Everything is so complicated.