Most Everyone Tells me to Leave but Can Not Do

[Mike76]

People that have told me to leave my uBPDw... .  

My first T... .  

Our First MC... .  

Several Catholic Priest have told me to leave (I am very catholic)

The couple friends and co-workers I have  confided in... .  

My current T... .  told me I will never have what I am looking for.

But because I feel she has BPD... .  I feel trapped and that is why I stay with her.     I want to help her.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

Hi Mike,

Many people told me to leave my wife too.  Like you, I just couldn't do it.  Your desire to help her is understandable. You sound like a very kind person - and you can help her, but maybe not in the ways you are thinking. 

Right now, the best way you can help your wife is to help yourself first.  If you are worn out and feeling trapped you can't be the emotionally strong leader of the relationship, which is what your wife needs from you. Make sure you are in touch with your friends and family, seeing a T for yourself, eating right, exercising, sleeping, and doing some fun things that you enjoy.  Recharge the batteries, so to speak.

We often think of "helping" as finding ways to get our undiagnosed partners into treatment - I spent about 2 years trying to figure out a way to get my wife diagnosed and treated.  She thought I was the one with the problem and wouldn't go anywhere near a marriage counsellor, let alone a professional who might diagnose her.

In the end, I feel I have helped my wife a lot just by being a strong, unenmeshed and consistent presence in her life.  Practicing validation, living with boundaries, and seperating my stuff from her stuff has been good for me - and her. 

What are some of the ways you would like to help your wife?   

[addicted2pizza]

Hi Mike!

Unfortunately, I don't think no-one can ever tell you to leave your wife. It's a choice you have to make for yourself. Actually according to my uBPDw (so maybe I need to take it with a grain of salt), her therapist told her to leave me.

Oh well.

I agree with briefcase. Worry about yourself first. When you feel better about yourself, you may find out that staying with her isn't unbearable, or that leaving her wasn't that scary after all. You'll feel better about you and the choices, whatever they are, you make. And hopefully you'll have the support you need for the choices you make.

Remember, no-one else has to live with the choices you make.

[Somewhere]

Hey Mike,

I follow you, and have to tell you that if not for the kids, I may be only in the Dunno/Run-Now section, rather than mostly in the Staying Section.

But my Do-The-Right-Thing (sort of) model is my MIL.  Her hubby (Mrs. Somewhere's step dad) had a stroke about a year and a half ago.  She visits daily, takes care of him, all that.  But she is also a raging Co-Dependent.  Anyway, she is not going to abandon him.

So best I can say is to do what seems like the right thing by/for you.  That is what the Very Best folks at Alanon tell me to do, too.

[Rockylove]

But because I feel she has BPD... .  I feel trapped and that is why I stay with her.     I want to help her.

This is a very difficult position to be in.  Can you explain a bit about why you feel trapped?  Wanting to help your wife is admirable, but not always practical.  People need to want to help themselves~~not that I'm advocating selfishness, but rather getting off the co-dependency wagon.  I hope that doesn't sound harsh... .  just throwing it out there. 

As has been said, no one has to live your life but you.  Your choices are yours to make, but if you're feeling "trapped" you are not taking care of yourself in a way that may benefit your wife. 

[Vindi]

HELLO, read more about FOG and tht may give some insight, no one can tell you to leave, you will be ready, if you ever are, when you are ready. Just now you are not ready.

What do you want to do? do you think your relationship is healthy?