Is he out to ruin my vacation?

[MammaMia]

I have a pre-planned trip to visit my sister in FL in several weeks.  It will be the first real vacation I have had in almost 20 years.  At first my BPD son was happy for me.  Even offered to buy my ticket.  His birthday was April 12th... .   always a hard time for pwBPD.  About 2 weeks prior, he went NC.  I was concerned, so I left a message 2 days ago asking him to call me.  He called and he was furious.  Some out-of-town friends found out where he was living and showed up at his house.  He did not answer the door even tho they were there multiple times.  I assured him I did NOT give them any information on him.  I would never do that.  They are people from the past that he wants nothing to do with.

He called me a liar and said that he was done.  He never wants to see and/or talk to me again.  He says I betrayed him.  I did not.  He also said he hated his birthday gift and he had put it in the basement with the rest of the worthless gifts I have given him.  They were nice things that he actually needed.  He also rages when I give him money to buy something he needs or invite him out to dinner in lieu of a gift. 

I am wondering if all of this is a combination of his birthday, uninvited guests, and my trip.   I will be gone one week.  He is so angry with me and says I am totally dysfunctional and the worst person he has ever known.  He hates me and wishes I was dead so I would leave him alone.  He is fine and he does not need me.

Any advice?  He is not a child.  He just turned 39.  I am not going to let him ruin my trip as another sister and a friend are also flying in to FL from TX and MN.  It is a birthday celebration for 2 of them.

I had so hoped this would not happen... .   silly me.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mom2bkl]

I soo feel your pain! I don't feel like I have any advice other than GO ON YOUR TRIP!

My DD18 has done this over and over to us for years... .   and until recently we never really realized what was happening... .   but basically right before we go do anything... .   all hell breaks loose! We allowed it to happen for too long but now that we realize it... .   we prepare her as much as we can and then just GO. So far my hubby and I haven't been able to go together as one of us has needed to be available to deal with the drama but has helped us get a little respite just to go! Hang in there... .   I'm so sorry for what you have to go through... .   but thanks for sharing what so many of us understand and are beside you in!

[Kate4queen]

Please go on your trip and enjoy every second of it.

my 21 yr old BPD son has ruined almost every social occasion not about him for the last 10 years. We stopped giving into that pressure last year and went away without him anyway and you know what? He survived.

Your son is just reflecting his fear of abandonment and using this old friend thing as an excuse.

Let him sort himself out and go away and just relax!

[suchsadness]

Hello MammaMia   

I'm with the rest of them... .   please go on your trip and have a good time!

I can SOO relate to all of what you said, the gifts (my uBPD dd35 has stopped acknowledging them completely), the same tone and same words.  She is currently NC with me over claims of abuse that happened with "men I brought into our lives", but will not tell me one thing about it and it makes absolutely no sense.  Anyway... .   my heart goes out to you in dealing with the hurt they put us through.  I keep trying to remember that she is sick, it isn't about me and that I need to accept that it is what it is.  I know it is a very difficult and disheartening situation so my thoughts are with you as you go through this.  But please do NOT cancel your trip or let it ruin your sister time.  I have 3 sisters and we do sister things together - which always lightens my heart and spirits.  You deserve a break from your ds's abuse.   

[jellibeans]

Your sons seems more like he is going on 3 not 39... .   when will they mature and grow up!

Get packing for your trip and have a great time... .   you need it and deserve it. I think some time away from him will be good for both of you. He sounds terribly abusive to you... .   he is obviously in some kind of pain and want to put that on you. How sad... .   when you get back take sometime to look over what you can do differently in the future so you can avoid these kind of attacks... .   you deserve better... .    

[MammaMia]

I knew everyone here would understand.

I really thought we had gotten past this kind of childish behavior.  It is frustrating, it makes me angry, and then makes me so very, very sad.  I am disappointed but, frankly, not surprised.

With BPD one learns to expect the unexpected, right?  Shock and awe... .   well... .   shock anyway.

For many reasons, I AM going to FL in 2 weeks.   I wish circumstances were better and maybe my son will soften before I leave, but I will not contact him.  I have nothing to say.

Venting feels pretty darn good, and I know I am among friends. That means a lot to me.

Thanks for listening.

PS Looks like there is a full moon tonight... .   that explains many things.  He always goes nuts the day before a full moon.  That is not an excuse, just a fact.

[MammaMia]

Well, my BPD son showed up at my house last night.  Gave me $300, told me to have a nice trip, and left.  Just like nothing had happened.  !

I REALLY need this vacation... .  

[suchsadness]

That is something that always amazes me... .  how they rant, rage, scream, beat you up - and then act like nothing has happened!  It is so hard to be on a rollercoaster of emotions that pwBPD drag you on.  It is emotionally exhausting 

[MammaMia]

Yes.  I have learned to just let it go.  Rage in BPD is like cursing and barking in Tourette's.  They cannot control it.  It is part of their brain disorder.  I knew he would get over it as soon as he was able to vent and get it all out.

Frustrating yes... .  dwell on it?  No.