Partner has BPD; I lost my sex drive for nearly two years.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello. I'm new to this board, and I apologize if this has been discussed to death already or if I should post this on another subforum. This is going to be very long:

Though my girlfriend (and roommate) of four years hasn't been formally diagnosed, it's clear to everyone who knows her patterns that she has BPD. Her sister was diagnosed about 10 years ago and their conditions are nearly identical in nature, and everything I've read online, in books, and the knowledge I've obtained from my professors is eerily similar to what I've experiences as a non-BP partner.

Around three years ago we moved in together to a small one-bedroom apartment. Though we had previously had issues based on her splitting behavior, our issues were usually quickly resolved for the first year. However, upon moving in together our relationship completely changed. I was made almost completely responsible for the house finances as well as cleaning and getting her everywhere she needed to go. Because we were in a new city, she had no close friends besides me for a very long time, and thus clung to me for everything she needed. When I needed to leave for class or work, she would often times appear on the verge of tears at the thought of being left alone. She would be exceedingly affectionate when I was home and always wanted to buy things for me to show how much she cared, but if I made even one little mistake (forgetting to wash one of her shirts) she would turn and begin screaming at me, sometimes insulting my abilities or asking me if I was completely useless. After a while she would come back down and slip into a state of depression, crying and asking why I loved her even though she was so horrible to me.

I knew she couldn't control it, but she was very emotionally abusive for years, and after a while I began to see changes in myself. I stopped wanting to go out and enjoy myself. I gained around forty pounds and began binge eating. I felt personally responsible for her emotional breakdowns, and my self-esteem and self-confidence completely eroded away.

However, one of the more horrible side effects was the complete elimination of my sex drive. When we began dating we had sex nearly everyday, often multiple times. This lasted nearly a year. However, slowly over time I found myself unable to become aroused, not just to her, but to anyone. We would go weeks or even months without sex, and often when we did have sex it was horrible because I lacked the stamina for it. A few times she found porn windows open on my computer and screamed at me for preferring masturbating to other girls, even though I was only trying to figure out what was wrong with me (and the porn didn't arouse me in the slightest).

Our relationship problems only worsened for a long time after that, and we became very distant. We were never intimate or affectionate. I was incapable of it. Eventually, she asked for an open relationship. She said she just wanted to experiment, but the reality is that she wasn't fulfilled from our relationship and needed to get it from somewhere else. Our relationship completely fell apart at that point, and I felt completely hopless, wanting to commit suicide, not understanding how a 22-year old could be completely without sexual desire.

Only two months ago were we able to start picking up the pieces. Somehow, my sex drive began to appear again, and though things still aren't perfect we've been getting along a lot better. We've been able to openly discuss our psychological issues with each other, and this openness has brought us a lot closer together. Still, I can't help but wonder how things managed to get so severe for so long.

Has anyone on this board had experiences with a general or complete loss of sexual drive? I thought it was only a personal issue for me until I read a book recently on BPD which stated that non-BP partners sometimes experience major declines in general sexual desire as a result of their partners actions.

[funkenstein91]

Hello. I'm new to this board, and I apologize if this has been discussed to death already or if I should post this on another subforum. This is going to be very long:

Though my girlfriend (and roommate) of four years hasn't been formally diagnosed, it's clear to everyone who knows her patterns that she has BPD. Her sister was diagnosed about 10 years ago and their conditions are nearly identical in nature, and everything I've read online, in books, and the knowledge I've obtained from my professors is eerily similar to what I've experiences as a non-BP partner.

Around three years ago we moved in together to a small one-bedroom apartment. Though we had previously had issues based on her splitting behavior, our issues were usually quickly resolved for the first year. However, upon moving in together our relationship completely changed. I was made almost completely responsible for the house finances as well as cleaning and getting her everywhere she needed to go. Because we were in a new city, she had no close friends besides me for a very long time, and thus clung to me for everything she needed. When I needed to leave for class or work, she would often times appear on the verge of tears at the thought of being left alone. She would be exceedingly affectionate when I was home and always wanted to buy things for me to show how much she cared, but if I made even one little mistake (forgetting to wash one of her shirts) she would turn and begin screaming at me, sometimes insulting my abilities or asking me if I was completely useless. After a while she would come back down and slip into a state of depression, crying and asking why I loved her even though she was so horrible to me.

I knew she couldn't control it, but she was very emotionally abusive for years, and after a while I began to see changes in myself. I stopped wanting to go out and enjoy myself. I gained around forty pounds and began binge eating. I felt personally responsible for her emotional breakdowns, and my self-esteem and self-confidence completely eroded away.

However, one of the more horrible side effects was the complete elimination of my sex drive. When we began dating we had sex nearly everyday, often multiple times. This lasted nearly a year. However, slowly over time I found myself unable to become aroused, not just to her, but to anyone. We would go weeks or even months without sex, and often when we did have sex it was horrible because I lacked the stamina for it. A few times she found porn windows open on my computer and screamed at me for preferring masturbating to other girls, even though I was only trying to figure out what was wrong with me (and the porn didn't arouse me in the slightest).

Our relationship problems only worsened for a long time after that, and we became very distant. We were never intimate or affectionate. I was incapable of it. Eventually, she asked for an open relationship. She said she just wanted to experiment, but the reality is that she wasn't fulfilled from our relationship and needed to get it from somewhere else. Our relationship completely fell apart at that point, and I felt completely hopless, wanting to commit suicide, not understanding how a 22-year old could be completely without sexual desire.

Only two months ago were we able to start picking up the pieces. Somehow, my sex drive began to appear again, and though things still aren't perfect we've been getting along a lot better. We've been able to openly discuss our psychological issues with each other, and this openness has brought us a lot closer together. Still, I can't help but wonder how things managed to get so severe for so long.

Has anyone on this board had experiences with a general or complete loss of sexual drive? I thought it was only a personal issue for me until I read a book recently on BPD which stated that non-BP partners sometimes experience major declines in general sexual desire as a result of their partners actions.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cloudy Days]

I'm not going to go into too much detail. But yes, actually my sexual drive is fine, I just don't feel like making love to someone who just told me he hates me. I think females need certain things to be turned on and feeling unloved is pretty much a turn off. He makes me feel that way on a regular basis so I pretty much never want to have sex.

[WalrusGumboot]

Libido, or the lack of, is a complex issue and can potentially have a lot of external factors that influence it. The mind is the most important sex organ, so if you have someone beating you down and crushing your confidence and self-esteem, then naturally you will have problems. There are the physical factors... . weight gain, low testosterone, stress, medications, etc.

I had libido issues with my ex caused by several of the above when I was married to my xBPDw. I corrected them and libido came back.

As a suggestion to the guys here, especially if you are the younger set and feel good (despite the circumstances). Get your testosterone levels tested (both total and free) to create a baseline. When you get older, you'll have something to compare it to, when you start andropause, and your endocrinologist would have what he needs should you get treatment for that.

[Rockylove]

The mind is the most important sex organ, so if you have someone beating you down and crushing your confidence and self-esteem, then naturally you will have problems.

Excellent point, WalrusGumboot!  I think we forget that self-esteem or lack thereof, effects our performance in ALL areas of our lives~~not just the bedroom.  It's good to hear that you're able to discuss sensitive issues with your gf and that things are returning to some sense of normalcy~~just keep in mind that it could change back at the drop of a hat and your responsibility is to keep your self esteem in tact.  Take care of you!

[daylily]

I'm not going to go into too much detail. But yes, actually my sexual drive is fine, I just don't feel like making love to someone who just told me he hates me. I think females need certain things to be turned on and feeling unloved is pretty much a turn off. He makes me feel that way on a regular basis so I pretty much never want to have sex.

Exactly!  The last thing I want to do is have sex with my H after he's belittled me for days and told me he'd divorce me if we didn't have kids together. And like everything else, it spirals downward because my uBPDh blames me for not initiating sex (more belittling and hurtful behavior that makes me REALLY not want to have sex with him).  Men may be able to treat sex as just sex and detach their emotions from it, but I just can't.  

Funkenstein, as for a general loss of sex drive, that seems to go along with depression and it's easy to get depressed when you're being emotionally abused.  If there are no medical issues, I'd be willing to bet that if you build up your self confidence and happiness, the problem will fix itself. 

  :)aylily

[shammick]

Hello funkenstein

Thanks for the post. I can empathize with you alot. My relationship with uBPDw of 8 years has had, I believe, a great impact on my sex drive. I'm now 38, and we dated since I was 19. And things were very different in the beginning as far as sex was concerned. I had a healthy sex drive. Somewhere along the line, the emotional abuse and emotional roller coaster took its toll on me. Now I find it difficult to get aroused by her. In the last few years recovering from depression, a healthier lifestyle and outlook, I find that my sex drive in general is better. But because she has not changed much, I still find it difficult to get aroused by her. I feel I just don't want to embrace and be intimate with someone who is abusive to me.


Sam