Self Validation.

[Beachbumforlife]

Hi all!  On of the moderators here was nice enough to point me in the direction of a [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url] thread.  Looking at some of it, I realize I didn't get too much of that growing up.  As an adult, have you found useful teacniques for self-validating.

Thank you for any replies!   

[Beachbumforlife]

Ok, I'll try to start.  I found this useful article from this site.  (innerbonding.com/show-article/2742/self-validation-how-to-validate-yourself.html)

How To Validate Yourself

In order to validate yourself, you need to start to notice two things:

You need to start to notice how much you judge yourself rather than value yourself.

You need to start to notice your feelings, your inner knowing, and your acts of kindness to others, and consciously value them.

Judging yourself is the opposite of validating yourself, and creates much inner pain and insecurity. Self-judgment is generally a form of control to get yourself to do things "right" so that others will validate you and approve of you. But as much as you may succeed in getting others to approve of you, as long as you are judging yourself you will continue to feel badly about yourself.

All feelings are informational, letting you know when you are abandoning yourself with your self-judgments and various addictions, and when others are being uncaring toward you and disconnected from you. As you learn to attend to your feelings and validate the information they are giving you, you will start to feel a deeper sense of self-worth and self-esteem. As you learn to trust your inner knowing rather than make others your authority for what is right or wrong for you, you will start to feel more inwardly powerful. When you choose to be kind to yourself and to others and value yourself for your kindness, you will find yourself feeling very happy with yourself.

Think of your feelings and inner knowing as an actual child - your inner child. If you had an actual child and you wanted to raise that child to feel very secure, loved, and valued, how would you treat that child? How do you wish you had been treated as a child? This is how you need to treat yourself - your own inner child, if you want to become a self-validating person.

Finally, you need to do a third thing to self-validate:

You need to take loving action in your behalf based on what is loving to you - on what is in your highest good. In order to do this, you need to be devoted to learning to see yourself through the eyes of your Higher Self rather than through the eyes of your ego wounded self. You need to tune into the wisdom of your Higher Self to know what is loving action toward yourself and others. Your inner child will not know that he or she is important to you if you do not take loving action in your own behalf: eating well, getting enough sleep and exercise, speaking up for yourself with others without blame, creating a balance between work and play, moving yourself toward doing work you love, and so on.


What do you guys think?

[ScarletOlive]

Hey Beachbumforlife,

Great thread you got here! 

One way of looking at it is that feelings are not good or bad, they just are. When we notice our feelings, then we can respect them, feel them through, but not let them control us.

Another part of self-validation would be self-care. You talked about this with your inner child, but it's also for adult you too. This workshop gives a good overview: PERSPECTIVES: What does it mean to take care of yourself?

[Kunoichi]

I am currently working on this but does anyone know how to overcome feelings of apathy? I have really great ideas on how to heal but when it comes to doing them the tape recorders start with the voice saying "what's the point?"

I have caught myself doing that here on the boards as well, I will start responding to a post and then I will delete the whole thing because another voice is telling me "Nobody cares what you have to say." ACK! It's nerve wracking!

[Take2]

I am currently working on this but does anyone know how to overcome feelings of apathy? I have really great ideas on how to heal but when it comes to doing them the tape recorders start with the voice saying "what's the point?"

I have caught myself doing that here on the boards as well, I will start responding to a post and then I will delete the whole thing because another voice is telling me "Nobody cares what you have to say." ACK! It's nerve wracking!

The irony... .  I JUST did that... .  !   And in my therapy session this week, we discussed how much I need to learn to start believing in myself instead of relying on others opinions... .    Okay, I haven't even found any info on self validation and I think this post just directed me in the right direction... .  thank you guys for commenting on this one... .  !   

[Kunoichi]

So it's not just me

[Beachbumforlife]

Hey Beachbumforlife,

Great thread you got here!  

One way of looking at it is that feelings are not good or bad, they just are. When we notice our feelings, then we can respect them, feel them through, but not let them control us.

Another part of self-validation would be self-care. You talked about this with your inner child, but it's also for adult you too. This workshop gives a good overview: PERSPECTIVES: What does it mean to take care of yourself?

Thank you for that link!  I will check it out.

Bellamina and take2, this is a very common thing you are discussing that I've seen others discuss as well.  The truth is what everybody has to contribute makes a difference.  It can be a story that resonates.  Validation.  Sympathy.  Empathy. A hug.  Or simply knowing someone else took the time to read what you wrote and then commented to acknowledge it.  Every single voice in a support community contributes to helping and healing.  

But, again, your thoughts are very common.  I think many people feel that way at one time or another until they get used to posting.  I know I felt that way at one time too.  

[Beachbumforlife]

Oh, and ScarletOlive, since were on taking care of ourselves, I will also point out the importance of self-compassion.

Definition of self-compassion

Having compassion for oneself is really no different than having compassion for others. Think about what the experience of compassion feels like. First, to have compassion for others you must notice that they are suffering. If you ignore that homeless person on the street, you can’t feel compassion for how difficult his or her experience is. Second, compassion involves feeling moved by others' suffering so that your heart responds to their pain (the word compassion literally means to “suffer with”). When this occurs, you feel warmth, caring, and the desire to help the suffering person in some way. Having compassion also means that you offer understanding and kindness to others when they fail or make mistakes, rather than judging them harshly. Finally, when you feel compassion for another (rather than mere pity), it means that you realize that suffering, failure, and imperfection is part of the shared human experience. “There but for fortune go I.”

Self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now,” how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment? Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect? You may try to change in ways that allow you to be more healthy and happy, but this is done because you care about yourself, not because you are worthless or unacceptable as you are. Perhaps most importantly, having compassion for yourself means that you honor and accept your humanness. Things will not always go the way you want them to. You will encounter frustrations, losses will occur, you will make mistakes, bump up against your limitations, fall short of your ideals. This is the human condition, a reality shared by all of us. The more you open your heart to this reality instead of constantly fighting against it, the more you will be able to feel compassion for yourself and all your fellow humans in the experience of life.

From Kristin Neff's site:  www.self-compassion.org/what-is-self-compassion/definition-of-self-compassion.html

And, I also think highly of her book on self compassion.

The opposite of judging yourself, feeling compassion for yourself.   

[Kunoichi]

Thank you for that link!  I will check it out.

Bellamina and take2, this is a very common thing you are discussing that I've seen others discuss as well.  The truth is what everybody has to contribute makes a difference.  It can be a story that resonates.  Validation.  Sympathy.  Empathy. A hug.  Or simply knowing someone else took the time to read what you wrote and then commented to acknowledge it.  Every single voice in a support community contributes to helping and healing.  

But, again, your thoughts are very common.  I think many people feel that way at one time or another until they get used to posting.  I know I felt that way at one time too.   [/quote]
I know for me it is being heard and being respected. I struggle with those 2 things the most. I don't care really if anyone understands or agrees with me I just want to be heard and respected. I feel like I have been screaming at deaf people all of my life and these issues are my own from childhood only exacerbated by dhBPD. I need to work on resolving them or at least minimizing them and I will but I'm just now embarking on my healing so in time I hope. I have been so wrapped up in dhBPD that I have never had the time or energy to work on my own issues and two wounded souls can hardly help each other.

[Beachbumforlife]

Invalidation is abusive, whether someone else invalidates us, or we invalidate ourselves.