Can marriage solve their fear of abandonment?

[me757]

Can it ever really change them for the better if they have that so called security? I know its not real security since divorce is so high but I was curious.

[TheDude]

No.

Abandonment issues usually go hand-in-hand with commitment problems. My experience has been that the closer to the alter we would get, the stronger her desire to shut down and run away - essentially creating her own self-fulfilling prophecy of relationship negativity... .  and abandonment. For those who do make it into marriage, at least from what we read right here and other "non" forums, the concept of marriage doesn't solve anything, it only creates more dysfunction and complicates the inevitable end.

If you went to look at a used car, and it wouldn't even start for a test drive, would going ahead and buying it fix the problem? Or would you simply have the title to a broken car?

[seeking balance]

Can it ever really change them for the better if they have that so called security? I know its not real security since divorce is so high but I was curious.

No - as a matter of fact, it can have the opposite effect.  Many, many pwBPD end up divorced in the first year of marriage, causing shock to the non.

Abandonment triggers can be REAL or PERCEIVED.  Trying to apply logic to BPD will not bode well for trying to understand the disorder.  Focus on the facts - really read the articles and lessons, critically think about each of the traits and how they may have played out.  Article 9 - 10 False beliefs, keep these in mind when you are trying to understand as well.

[slimmiller]

No

In my case she pushed marriage relentlessly even though I saw red flags and wanted to take it easy. Her logic, we were perfect, she never felt like this etc etc. Lets get married and it will all get better.

It only prolonged the inevitable. Now I have three kids involved and she uses them as a weapon (by threatening to take them from me for good) They are now her meal ticket while she sleeps around with guys half my age while I raise our kids.

I know some may chastise me for saying it but unless you are a professional counselor and have a lifetime of experience dealing with the traits of BPD, dont marry one.

[BlushAndBashful]

I was wife #3. Our so-called "marriage" lasted less than a year. He was working out of the country the whole time, so we never even lived together.  He pulled the pin and decided to get a divorce just a few weeks before coming home- because he couldn't stand the thought of having to come home to me and play family.

All 3 of his marriages lasted less than 2 years... .  so that gives me a little validation that I'm not the awful person and horrible wife that he says I was.   

[lostkitten]

I think my ex-fiance was so scared of things getting hard or difficult, that he pulled the emergency cord and split ... .  I know what youre going through.

[hithere]

Big NO from me... .  that kind of thinking is counter-productive.

[spaceace]

NO!

I actually believe it brings out fear even more. She left me 3 times, the first time after 19 months of marriage.

I do not for a moment think being married solves a thing for a BPD spouse.

[Kunoichi]

No.

Once H and I got married he became violent and took on the belief that he owns me.