Venting about being Discarded...

[leftbehind]

Even though I said on another post earlier today how I was letting my ex go this weekend, I fell into a pit and checked his facebook.  His life is going great, with many new beginnings and accomplishments.  I see he's friended a lot of new women, and I also see he's with his sex buddy having a great time.  I don't think he needs, wants or thinks of me anymore. 

I helped him get to a higher level, where he moved forward professionally ( he asked for my help and I gave it ) where he healed his relationships with his kids, family of origin and extended family.  I feel I also helped him move on from his ex, although they were broken up for several months before we got together.  I felt I made his life better in so many ways, and then got discarded when he: 1. Got bored, 2. Didn't need me anymore, 3.  Didn't know how to conflict resolve, 4. Couldn't go to the next level of intimacy.

Part of me wishes him well, because he is someone I love. The other part of me is so hurt and angry that he's skipping along through life without me.  He was the one who brought up that we were soulmates, - he's the one that said "This is it", that said this is a very long term relationship, and that he couldn't see his life without me in it.

I think if he hadn't said those things I might have been able to keep more perspective, but instead I dropped all my guard, thinking "here is someone that feels the same way, wants the same things as me."

I hate that he's moving on so happily without me in his life.  There is a big event coming up in his life that is a huge accomplishment for him, and it's in an area that I was very supportive and helpful to him.  Of course I'm not invited, but everyone else he's known for 5 minutes is.

I guess the moral of the story is ?  Who the Heck Knows?  Maybe it's ":)on't check his Facebook!"  The only reason I did was because I had a dream that he was posting on Facebook, so I felt I was supposed to check.  I guess it's just another piece of the connection that I need to severe.  He comes into my dreams a lot, and every time he does there is another piece of the puzzle revealed.  But it's also bringing my thoughts back to him.  Maybe I need a lobotomy... .

[Whichwayisup]

Hi leftbehind,

You truly know his life is not great despite what's on the advertising... . You would not swap places with him, he is destined to repeat his patterns without finding happiness, you have the chance to find better... . Don't beat yourself up for having a moment of curiosity, you now know, you can learn, develop and yes, make mistakes; that is to be human?

Maybe the moral of the story is that things happen for a reason and seeing this means there are better times ahead for you? Bringing thoughts back to him can also be the path to helping move on... .

Irrespective of the logic, you are among like minded people who do understand just how messed up this can feel 

Whichwayisup

[leftbehind]

Thank you, Whichwayisup   My biggest hope is that this experience will lead me to heal whatever's in me that needs healing.  I so want to be happy and in a loving partnership someday.

[Blessed0329]

Leftbehind, my ex behaved similarly, and I deeply resented him going merrily on his way while he had left me in all this pain. But my ex's wonderful new life began to quickly tarnish, and as I began to slowly heal, he began to crumble and fall apart. Now, several months later, I am doing better and he is doing worse. He periodically checks in with me, and our brief interactions lead me to believe that he wants me back... . now that I have moved on without him. Of course if I were to suddenly become available again, he would no longer want or need me back. It must be awful to be so messed up. I know this is little consolation, but give it time... . his wonderful life won't be so great in a few months. Stay off his FB, and work on healing you. Best wishes.

[benny2]

I know how you feel. I also heard all those words, we are soulmates, he wants to be with me until he cannot walk anymore, blah blah blah. Now here I sit alone wondering who he is with, if he thinks of me, probably not, and wishing I could just make the pain all go away. They say it gets better with time. He has never allowed me the time to heal and he comes back, maybe this time he will. There is a part of me that is hoping he will. Even though the times we spent together were great, the pain he puts me through when he drops out of my life with no warning is far worse.

[heyhey]

Sorry to hear about your setback. I was de friended and blocked by my ex, which was a slap to the face. Makes me feel like I was the bad guy. Things will look up for you again.

[Murbay]

  I think most people have said it already but whilst he isn't getting help, this is just a fill of that void in his life and it will soon crumble. It's a tough thing to say, to have anticipation that someones life won't go as they planned, especially when you had hopes, dreams and aspirations together in the beginning. But it's a sad fact and not spiteful thinking.

We all want to be happy and be in a loving partnership but the only way that is going to happen is to heal within ourselves first so that when those things happen, we can embrace them. Looking at the success stories, those who have healed and moved forward have looked back and wondered why they felt this way about that person in the first place.

I can completely understand your situation and repeatedly tell my T that if my ex realised her behaviours and sought help, I wouldn't think twice about taking her back. He has pointed out to me that's where we get stuck in our own cycle and we are the ones who don't move forward with our own lives.

The future is unwritten and there is nothing to state that somewhere along the line, things might change and they might get the wakeup call, or we might find that person who can reciprocate and look back on our exes and wonder why we ever felt the way we did right now. The only way you are going to be able to see that is to be the person you want to be, you are free to be whoever you want to be, to make the choices you want to make and do the things you always dreamed of doing. Take the time to live that life, set healthy boundaries and it will open the doors to those who love and respect you for who you are.

[schwing]

Hi Leftbehind,

To be left behind is to be abandoned.  My understanding of this disorder is that it has everything to do with abandonment and betrayal.  Abandonment and betrayal had a hand in the cause of your BPD loved one's disorder.  The disordered fear of abandonment and betrayal is what dominated his behavior during latter part of your relationship.  And in order to avoid that imagined abandonment your BPD loved one did what he believed he had to do, which was to abandon you before you could abandon him.

Even though I said on another post earlier today how I was letting my ex go this weekend, I fell into a pit and checked his facebook.  His life is going great, with many new beginnings and accomplishments.  I see he's friended a lot of new women, and I also see he's with his sex buddy having a great time.  I don't think he needs, wants or thinks of me anymore. 

You write "His life is going great... . "  I don't believe that for a second. You believe his life is going great because that is what he is posting on his facebook.  He may even believe his life is going great, but only because he believes he's found someone who will not abandon or betray him later on.  His problem is that it isn't his poor selection of partners which leads to his "abandonment."  His problem is that any kind of intimacy and familiarity will lead him to feel his disorder fear of abandonment.  Fortunately for him, there is little real intimacy and familiarity at the beginning of any relationship.  Unfortunately for him, it is only a matter of time before it does... . and then his disordered issues will crop up again.  Just like it did with you.

So maybe his life is great for the moment.  Just like it was great at the beginning of his relationship with you.  But it will not last.  It will never last.

I helped him get to a higher level, where he moved forward professionally ( he asked for my help and I gave it ) where he healed his relationships with his kids, family of origin and extended family.  I feel I also helped him move on from his ex, although they were broken up for several months before we got together. 

Did you really heal his relationships with his kids, family or origin and extended family?  Because it doesn't get any more intimate and familiar (familial) than family.  His disordered behavior is what led to the rift between them in the first place.  You might have helped him bridge that rift for the time being, but his disorder will splinter it again.  It is only a matter of time.

I felt I made his life better in so many ways, and then got discarded when he: 1. Got bored, 2. Didn't need me anymore, 3.  Didn't know how to conflict resolve, 4. Couldn't go to the next level of intimacy.

You may have made his life better in many ways, but you did not cure him of his disorder.  He may have told you he got bored of you.  From you perspective, he no longer needed you.  But if he suffers from borderline personality disorder, what drove him to discard you was his disordered fear that you would abandon him.  The closer he felt towards you, the more he became overwhelmed by his disordered imagination that you would abandon him.

He couldn't resolve conflict, when the conflict was internal, within him.  I'm sure he wanted to love you, wanted you to be the one for him.  But he couldn't because he also felt that you were going to abandon him, that you couldn't be trusted.  

He couldn't go to the next level of intimacy because he was already getting overwhelmed by the current level of intimacy he had with you.

Part of me wishes him well, because he is someone I love. The other part of me is so hurt and angry that he's skipping along through life without me. 

You feel conflicted about him because he was someone you loved, but then he also abandoned you.  What you feel is a taste of what he was feeling because he wanted to love you but because of his disorder was convinced that you would abandon him, if he gave you the opportunity.

He was the one who brought up that we were soulmates, - he's the one that said "This is it", that said this is a very long term relationship, and that he couldn't see his life without me in it.

He wanted this to be true.  It was true for him.  But he is also disordered.  So you were his soulmate.  And in his mind, you were destined to abandon him.  Because in his mind, anyone he lets into his heart, will eventually abandon him.

I think if he hadn't said those things I might have been able to keep more perspective, but instead I dropped all my guard, thinking "here is someone that feels the same way, wants the same things as me."

I don't think he would have so eagerly said any of those things if he were not also disordered.  Most people do not drop their boundaries so absolutely and in such a short time.  This is, however, quite common for disordered people.

I hate that he's moving on so happily without me in his life.  There is a big event coming up in his life that is a huge accomplishment for him, and it's in an area that I was very supportive and helpful to him.  Of course I'm not invited, but everyone else he's known for 5 minutes is.

Would it help you to know that he isn't going to move on happily for very long because he's disordered?  No, it won't help very much because it doesn't lessen the pain of being abandoned.  Little does.  Taking care of yourself does though.  But that takes time and not a little effort.

I'm certain that you were very supportive and helpful to him in his huge accomplishment, but that isn't what he remembers you for.  He remembers you for all those feelings of impending abandonment and betrayal.  And he chooses to believe that it is your fault that he felt such disordered feelings.  The thing is, no one that he's only known for only 5 minutes will ever make him feel these disordered feelings.

The only reason I did was because I had a dream that he was posting on Facebook, so I felt I was supposed to check.  I guess it's just another piece of the connection that I need to severe.  He comes into my dreams a lot, and every time he does there is another piece of the puzzle revealed.  But it's also bringing my thoughts back to him.  Maybe I need a lobotomy... .

You've been dreaming about him because it is not in the human psyche to develop such a close and intimate attachment and lose that attachment so suddenly.  At least this is the case of non-disordered people.  The difficulty you are experiencing in detachment is normal.

Your wondering if you should have a lobotomy reminds me of a film "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind."  I wonder that if we could erase these kinds of pain from our mind, if we would only doom ourselves to repeating history.  As I see it, that is exactly what pwBPD do.  The way they "cope" with this disordered feelings, dooms them to repeating the same experience over and over again.

You are in the right place.

Best wishes, Schwing

[leftbehind]

Thank you so much to everyone that replied   I appreciate that you all get how I'm feeling.  Everyone's comments help so much.  Schwing, I will reread your comments many times, there's so much there that I need to absorb. 

I am starting to have the moments of clarity when I realize that he is disordered, and that is why this happened, not because of something I did.  It's taken me 2 and a half months to get there, as I did have my own issues come up in the relationship, but nothing that should have led to this abrupt breakup from someone who supposedly loved me.  I realize that the more I forgive myself for not being perfect, the more I can see where his bizarre behavior toward the end was caused by his illness.

His problem is that it isn't his poor selection of partners which leads to his "abandonment."  His problem is that any kind of intimacy and familiarity will lead him to feel his disorder fear of abandonment.  Fortunately for him, there is little real intimacy and familiarity at the beginning of any relationship.  Unfortunately for him, it is only a matter of time before it does... . and then his disordered issues will crop up again.  Just like it did with you.

This explains so much.  I know in his mind that he does think it's his poor selection of partners, not just me but the two before me as well.  I guess that is also the BPD person not being able to see past their own dysfunctional patterns. 

I'm certain that you were very supportive and helpful to him in his huge accomplishment, but that isn't what he remembers you for.  He remembers you for all those feelings of impending abandonment and betrayal.  And he chooses to believe that it is your fault that he felt such disordered feelings.

I need to keep this forefront in my mind for those times I want to reach out and contact him.  It never made sense how one day he could tell me he loved me three times, hug and kiss me, then the next day want nothing to do with me.  But reading the above quote makes things click a little more.

I know my ex's pattern is that once he splits you back, there's no coming back from it.  That's how he treated the last two relationships, and then he tells his new relationship how horrible his previous partners have been.  My mistake was believing the problem really was them and not inside himself, now I know better. 

Anyway, thanks again for all your comments and support