Ex Emailed Me (never thought it would happen)

[Depression = 72% of members]

He contacted me by email.  This is what he wrote:

Hello there.

Just writing to say hi and hope everything's going really well with you!

Hope there's lots of kick ass stuff going on in your life!

Cya

So, did he forget that he broke up with me by email, threw out all my stuff and any reminders of our time together, then when I went up to his house to confront him told me to "Get the ef out" and "I could call the cops on you right now"?

Did he forget that it's been two months, and he never called me as promised to have a conversation about why/how he broke it off?

I looked at his facebook and found out a couple of big lies he told me. 

Lie #1 was that his ex never met his family.  Now I see his ex met, friended and hung out with many members of his family.  In fact, she called them her extended family (since they were engaged).

Lie #2 was that his tattoo represented him and his higher self. In fact, he posted that it represented him and his ex.

Sometimes it helps me to look at his profile because I'm still finding out the lies.  What it does for me is help me realize that there is no way I can email this person back.  He is an untrustworthy, sneaky, and unstable person.  Maybe he can't help himself, I don't know.  All I am sure of is if I let this man recycle me then I am having a hand in my own abuse. 

He's taken enough from me.  He doesn't get to take any more.  The kitchen is closed.

[leftbehind]

He contacted me by email.  This is what he wrote:

Hello there.

Just writing to say hi and hope everything's going really well with you!

Hope there's lots of kick ass stuff going on in your life!

Cya

So, did he forget that he broke up with me by email, threw out all my stuff and any reminders of our time together, then when I went up to his house to confront him told me to "Get the ef out" and "I could call the cops on you right now"?

Did he forget that it's been two months, and he never called me as promised to have a conversation about why/how he broke it off?

I looked at his facebook and found out a couple of big lies he told me. 

Lie #1 was that his ex never met his family.  Now I see his ex met, friended and hung out with many members of his family.  In fact, she called them her extended family (since they were engaged).

Lie #2 was that his tattoo represented him and his higher self. In fact, he posted that it represented him and his ex.

Sometimes it helps me to look at his profile because I'm still finding out the lies.  What it does for me is help me realize that there is no way I can email this person back.  He is an untrustworthy, sneaky, and unstable person.  Maybe he can't help himself, I don't know.  All I am sure of is if I let this man recycle me then I am having a hand in my own abuse. 

He's taken enough from me.  He doesn't get to take any more.  The kitchen is closed.

[Octoberfest]

Good for you. One of the hardest things for me was saying no to my BPD-ex. And not recycling was saying no.  It was something I was unable to do for a very long time.  It was hard for me, because for so long I had been trying to work WITH my ex, when in reality such a thing is not possible.  And of course, leaving her I saw as working AGAINST her, and I couldnt fathom such a thing for the longest time.  Its unthinkable when you love someone like that.

Good for you for staying strong and remembering why things went south in the first place.  You didn't feel all the anguish and pain for no reason, and it is important to remember that when you get tempted that things "might be different"

[leftbehind]

Thanks, Octoberfest.  It's not that I don't want him, because I still want and love him.  But I will lose respect for myself if I email him and pretend that everything is okay between us.  It would be a lie.

And if I let him back into my life (even as a friend) he would quickly lose respect for me, and begin to devalue me again.  So there's no "win" in emailing him back. 

Of course, don't they always re-appear just when you're starting to feel a bit better?

[LuckyEscapee]

He's taken enough from me.  He doesn't get to take any more.  The kitchen is closed.

I love that. So so very true. Fantastic for you 

[whereisthezen]

Leftbehind,

 

"He's taken enough from me.  He doesn't get to take any more.  The kitchen is closed."

Glad you are taking care of you! Keep focusing on what makes you healthy and happy!

[leftbehind]

Thanks Luckyescapee, (how I'm starting to feel!) and WhereistheZen!

One of the painful things I realized while looking through his facebook was that he must have restricted my access while we were together, because then I couldn't see any of this stuff about the ex before me.  He unfriended me after our breakup, so I went on using my friend's password. And I'm glad I did, because I uncovered the aforementioned lies.  But more importantly, I saw that even though he gave me such a hard time about acknowledging me on facebook (he made such a convincing case about this not being his style, and that I was asking him to "change" that I apologized)  I now see he acknowledged his ex every day, several times a day.  So it makes me question how deep his feelings really ran for me, even though he would tell me he loved me three times a day.  But never on facebook, never publicly.

The other thing I realized is that he had the same pattern of idealizing her for about 18 months (we only made it 8 months), and then devaluing her tremendously.  Everything he ever told me about his last two partners was always about how crazy and abusive they both were.  Well, guess what?  The girl before me was sweet!  She was in love with him, the same way I was when we dated.  She was over the moon happy to be with him, just like me.  And he was over the moon to be with her as well, and then me later.  But I noticed he always had a female friend lurking on his page.  I know he slept with her between his ex and me, and then slept with her again after he broke up with me.  She was making comments all through his relationship with his ex.  During our relationship she was mysteriously silent, until after he broke up with me.  Then it became obvious they hooked up again.  I wonder if she was there during his marriage to his ex wife before the most recent ex and me?  I suspect she may have been. 

I didn't realize I was dating such a master sneak.  His charm is to come on innocent and friendly, like he wouldn't hurt a fly.  And he wouldn't - just women like me who are stupid enough not to see through his act.

The next thing I'm working on is forgiving myself, and figuring out why I keep trusting untrustworthy people.  I need to stop this pattern, I can't live through another relationship where there's lies and deceit.  I feel like a stupid little lamb who let the wolf in sheep's clothing into her house. 

[Validation78]

Hey LB!

We've seen you going through your ups and downs recently, completely understandable during the time you are detaching!

I like the kitchen is closed statement!

I also think it's a great idea to remind yourself that you cannot trust what he says. Trust has to be earned, and when he continues to lie, as you have found, how can you ever trust him? Do you really want a relationship, friendship or other, with someone who is not honest, whom you cannot trust?

Best Wishes,

Val78

[leftbehind]

Validation78, you're right on target.  I have to keep in the foreground the fact that he lies.  I feel like I lost respect for him, which makes it a little bit easier to detach.  The problem is, I've also lost a little respect for myself to realize I was so easily duped.

He'll get no response from me.  The harder part is to stop obsessing over him, the breakup, and what happened while we were together that I didn't know about.  I guess I need to let it all go, so it doesn't consume me. 

[LetItBe]

I like the kitchen is closed statement!

I also think it's a great idea to remind yourself that you cannot trust what he says. Trust has to be earned, and when he continues to lie, as you have found, how can you ever trust him? Do you really want a relationship, friendship or other, with someone who is not honest, whom you cannot trust?

Leftbehind, we are, as always, on the same page.  I'm so happy to hear your kitchen is closed to the lies and deceit.  My kitchen is also closed! 

When my ex offered his "friendship and support" (without acknowledging the pain he inflicted, of course), I knew I couldn't be friends with him because I can't trust him.

It's been over 2 months since I've seen him, and it's been very challenging to heal from this 2nd breakup.  I'm feeling stronger overall (though still not "healed" completely), and it sounds like you are, too.  I'm glad for you!

[leftbehind]

Thank you, NonGF .  Why I choose to think of it as "The kitchen is closed," is because I realize my ex feeds on people.  With me, he got emotional support, business ideas and plans, ego strokes, sex, affection, someone who really loved him, someone who cooked for him, would do his laundry on occasion, someone to laugh with, spend holidays with (until he re-united with his FOO, then he didn't need me anymore, and broke up with me two weeks before Easter when I was supposed to meet his family). 

I realize he got two places of business from me, which I am no longer at because I don't want to run into him. From his ex he got her apartment, which was hers first but he made a sneaky deal with the landord so he could move out first, then the landlord would kick her out and then he moved back in three weeks later.  When he told me this he justified it by saying she had always wanted to move out anyway.  Yeah, but not right after a breakup and miscarriage, I'm sure.  Why didn't I leave then?  Because I was already dating him, and chose to believe the stories about how abusive the ex had been. I could go on.  I realize he's an opportunist.  I don't know if that's a BPD component, or just another part of his personality.  But he comes on so sweet, charming and helpful that you don't realize your pocket's being picked.

Sorry for venting, but after all I found out yesterday I'm angry and disgusted.  Still it's good, because I'm not in illusion anymore about him.  A month ago I would have taken him back if he asked.  Now I'm done.

Now I need to look at why I'm so naive and gullible with the wrong people.  I know it's my FOO - my father is most likely undiagnosed BPD, and there's tons of proof that he's a compulsive liar as well.  My brother struggled with addiction, but is now sober.  So those were my male templates. 

Anyway, I'm more mad at myself than anyone else right now.  Thanks to everyone for listening, and for giving me a safe place to vent.

[laelle]

Leftbehind,

You have made some REMARKABLE progress and your standing up for yourself and your own needs.  Why do you feel angry at yourself?

Show yourself a little bit of kindness, you have been through alot.  Even the BPD's T's get sucked in sometimes, what kind of chance did you or I really have?

It doesnt matter how you got to this point, but your here and look at the strong person you have become.

Love yourself and give yourself a hug and a high five.  Its definately a www.youtube.com/watch?v=dx7sLNyIeQk moment.

[Murbay]

Leftbehind, please don't be angry at yourself because you have no reason to be, if anything you have shown great strength and resilience which should be commended.

My T told me the other day that he is slightly annoyed with me right now because I give my ex more credit than she is worth and don't give myself enough. It sounds like you do the same too and that is understandable given the nature of your relationship.

As for being naive and gullible, that's something we have in common. I guess like many people on here, we wear our hearts on our sleeves, see the good in people because of our past experiences and leave ourselves open to be taken advantage of. There is nothing wrong with that as long as you maintain healthy boundaries and are able to identify if you are being used early enough not to repeat the process.

Laelle is correct, the fact you are able to identify with your past helps you understand who you are now and makes you the strong person you are today. Learning from your experience and ensuring you don't fall into the same trap will determine who you become in the future.

 

[laelle]

We see the good in people because it is a "NEED" for us to see good in people.  The down side of that is that we split the bad as if it doesnt exist.

For most people maybe thats not too terrible a thing to do, but to do it to someone with BPD it negates warning signs, bells, whistles, and gut feelings.

You leave yourself defenseless with only your "need" to see the good in someone who can only see the "bad" in you.

crazy + normal = crazy ALWAYS.

[leftbehind]

Thank you Laelle and Murbay   What a great Adelle song, by the way!

Yes, there were red flags in retrospect for sure.  Not in how he treated me, but definitely in how he treated his two partners before me, his FOO, and his own young children. But I chose to believe the good.  He actually treated me wonderfully until the very end, now I know that's the Idealization stage.  The Devaluing stage came all at once, fast and furious.

What would happen when we were together is that my intuition would ring like mad, for what seemed like no apparent reason.  Since I got my trust broken from very young by being neglected by my mother and emotionally incested by my father, I thought it must be my own inability to trust that was sending up the flares.  Now I know it was because he was untrustworthy, and a liar.

I went against one of my own tenets, which is "Whatever someone does to someone else, they'll do to you."  I chose to believe that his last two partners were abusive, that his FOO chose his ex wife's side over him, etc... . etc... . etc.

The only thing I can tell you in my excuse is that so did everyone else.  We all thought he was a sensitive sweetheart who had bad luck in love, and was mistreated by his family.  Now I see that's not the case.

My T is telling me what needs healing is my tendency to blame myself and not listen to my own intuition.  So that's what my focus will be moving forward.  Thank you for the support, everyone who commented.  It means so much... . xo

[mango_flower]

He actually treated me wonderfully until the very end, now I know that's the Idealization stage.  The Devaluing stage came all at once, fast and furious.

We all thought he was a sensitive sweetheart who had bad luck in love, and was mistreated by his family.  Now I see that's not the case.

100% in agreement there!  One day we'll learn, right?

I think it makes it so much harder because there was no bad... . so we think "what happened?"

Wishing you happiness and healing x

[leftbehind]

thank you, Mango Flower.  Wishing you the same