Venting

[Angelnme]

Well I just joined today and have spent hours reading posts... . I'm hooked! I'm fascinated by the support, incredible advice, and how much I can relate to so many of you. I really needed this... . I have no one in my life who gets it or wants to hear it again.

So here's my most recent story, since I haven't vented about it yet.

Last week was my birthday. My b/f is out of town for a month on business. He sent flowers with a card that says he loves and misses me. The next morning we had a wonderful and loving conversation. He said he'd call me later that afternoon. By 6pm I hadn't heard from him so I decided to call him. He informed me that he was on his way to his friend's house for the weekend. His friend is married with 3 kids and in the 9 years we've been together I've never known him to spontaneously go to his friends house for an entire weekend, so I suspected something wasn't right. I calmly asked him when they had made this decision... . that was all the ammo he needed. "I don't need this BS from you." and hung up. I didn't hear from him all weekend (and it was a holiday 3-day weekend), and he never returned my calls or texts, which I kept in reasonable quantity and of "kind" tone.

I only recently discovered that he is uBPD. Like 3 weeks ago. But thank goodness I'm becoming informed on the disorder or I would have gotten out of control myself, as 9 years of his BPD has worn off on me (which I plan to get prof help for). Plus I've got killer instincts; I knew he was lying.

The day he returned, he sent me a text: "I warned you that ___ was going to change, and it has." I was very careful to word myself properly, not just because I'm dealing with a BPD, but to get the information I wanted. I was succesful: he had been cheating on me. On my birthday weekend! That timing sucked the most... .

Then he tried to blame me for his choice! That I'm not this and I'm not that. Again, thank goodness I'm aware of BPD and I didn't take it personally... . I knew he was lashing out to relieve his guilt. He even accused me of sleeping with someone else. Of course. And then brought up a fling I had SEVEN YEARS AGO while we were temporarily broken-up. Ugh this illness sucks. I don't know who it sucks more for: the BP or those of us living with them.

The next day he apologized, said "she means nothing", and can't wait to see me again. It pisses me off to no end that he knows there's nothing I can do right now and took full advantage of it. I am in an unfortunate position in that I have, very long story short, put myself into a position of currently being financially dependent on him. It's not permanent and I had planned to leave the r/s before the affair, even before I discovered that he has BPD. I had chosen to leave when i am able because I am absolutely done with the verbal abuse, the blame-shifting, the criticism, the disrespect, the brutal rages... . he has lost everyone in his family (parents and 3 kids) to his behavior. But of course it's all THEIR fault... .

I may sound a little bitter because I am. I'm too new in my understanding of the disorder to have the tools (empathy, communication skills) I need yet to get through this gracefully. But I'm learning. For the last 3 weeks I have been reading everything I can get my hands on regarding BPD, not as much in an attempt to help him (I know I can't) but to help me. This forum is the icing on that cake for me so thanks for letting me vent!

I'm posting this in "staying" because I was advised that this is where I will get the best support/advice as I am still actively in the r/s. Until I am able to leave, Im open to all the support and advice I can get!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[united for now]

Nothing changes without changes... .

This means that we have the power to shift some of the negative dynamics to a more positive aspect - only if we are willing to feel our own uncomfortable feelings and face our own fears. You have to be willing to change the patterns. You have to be strong enough to not get sucked into his dysfunctional thinking patterns. You have to have the ability to step back and respond instead of reacting... .

This is staying - where the focus is on what we can change and control - ourselves... .

[benny2]

Its horrible to find out that they cheated. At least he is admitting to it. Mine still lies about it and claims he has been with no one else even when I caught him sneaking over to his ex's house. I was at a point one time where I was dependent on my uBPDbf when I left my home and everything to be with him. Its a horrible position to be in and yes they do take it for granted. I have since moved out and although we still have our issues, his ex being one of them, at least I can leave now and have a place to go to where I do not have to take it anymore. Its a very long road with this BPD and at times you find yourself right back to the beginning of it, but its up to you if you feel you can live with it. I for one am still not sure. We are making steps, baby steps, but finally moving in the right direction, I believe. It will be a long time before I could even think of living with him again after the nightmare I lived while I was there, and I knew this man for 15 years prior to that, I just never seen that side of him until I got under the same roof. Its a lot to absorb, but I am sure thankful for the people here who understand.