How should I best maintain my right to my own time?

[xeritos]

Hey, I'm new here as of today, I've got a post on the newbies board if you want some more background info. Anyway, the trigger that cause my uBPDw's fit today that caused me to try and look for resources on the behaviors I'm always observing was that she hates when I don't go to bed at the same time as her.  The last couple nights I've been up late working on computer/network related stuff that I usually never have time to do because she's always interested in us spend time as a couple while I'm at home.

Today she finally snapped at the fact that she slept for 4 hours in bed without me there.  I was accused of not being a "full husband" because I didn't spend the whole night in bed with her the last few nights. I wasn't staying out late at bars, I wasn't getting wasted with friends. I wasn't even staying up playing video games with strangers, I was changing network settings, installing operating systems, defragmenting hard drives, ect... . All of which I was doing *literally* 5 feet from where she was sleeping. (we have a 550 sqft 1br apartment, our computers are right next to our bed). Much of it was actually specifically for her benefit as well.

I'd like to be able to find a way to help her needs while also accomplish the things that I'd like to accomplish.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

 

Welcome!  I'm glad you found us. 

A good place to start here is by reading the  Lessons.  There is a lot of information in them that will help you out.

Basically, you have to trust your own sense of fairness on these issues - you didn't do anything wrong, and in fact were getting "chores" done.  At the same time, she has a right to feel disappointed in your decision to work on the computer instead of coming to bed with her.  There are no villians here.   

The trick is to learn to become unenmeshed emotionally so that you can allow her to feel and express some disappointment, anger, fear, etc. without you taking it all personally.  You can validate her disappointment (but not necessearily the reasons behind it) and take time outs (leave the situation) if she becomes abusive toward you. 

It's not easy work, but it can be done.   

[Jeansok]

Omg I can so relate! Crazy thing is I was dealing with my h saying these exact same things jyst now... . literally. stories are amazing its like reading my life down to every detail like this bed thing! I am new as of about two weeks. I found this place to be extremely helpful hope u do too. Welcome :-)  If u haven't been told yet ... . walking  on eggshells is an awesome bok. Im listening to the audio version now. Good luck in your. Journey uts so difficult I know

[waverider]

If you have a "must do" simply ask her when would be a good time, so she has had a change for input. Then do it then, and stick to it. She may still blow up but you will have no self doubt and so it will not bother you as much

When it comes to maintaining self time you have to be consistent and firm, minimalizing room for negotiations.

I started off making specific "my times' for things that were not really that important to me. That way if it didn't work then I didn't feel so peeved about it (practice runs if you like). Once I had established the pattern of my time that's when I started focusing on things important to me.