Help me get throught this day

[jellibeans]

It is my older daughters graduation this afternoon... . my dd15 has been just terrible all week... . laying in bed not helping around the house. Two days ago she was throwing up and I can't help wonder if she overdosed again and was trying to make herself puke up the pills... . she has been just impossible... . stealing from my older daughter and today she come in my room and shows me she has cut her hair... . even though she know this is a real trigger for me... . she wants to ruin my daughter graduation... . she is having one meltdown after another. She is trying to get in trouble so she can have a major breakdown and not go to the grad... . she can't stand that the attention is on my older d... . My house guest are still here and my husband is just about to get on my last nerve.

Yesterday my sister in law decided she would talk to my dd and give her advise about being depressed... . my dd was so embarrassed and angry that my husband told his family about her issues and I can't blame her for being hurt. It is none of there business and should not of said anything.

I really don't know if we will make it through... . help

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Vivgood]

Even on the worst day of school... . the lunch bell always rings! My DH says that... .

nothing worse than well-meaning (or maybe just self-important) relatives telling you they "know how you feel". Not just invalidating but frigging annoying.

I'd leave DD15 at home with a sitter, but even if she throws a hissy... . your daughter WILL graduate, you WILL be able to show her your appreciation for her accomplishments, and BPDdd WILL survive the day, crappy hair and all. Hugs to you all  


vivgood

[cleanandsober]

I feel your pain.  So sorry you are going thru this.  I had a friend stay with us a few years back for 3 weeks when my daughter was probably at her worst behavior and it was a nightmare.  Hope everything works out.  Try to stay calm and focused on what is important.  Good Luck!

[lbjnltx]

hi jellibeans,

I understand that you are under a lot of stress with houseguests and graduation preparation.  Even wonderful events can cause stress... . your dd15 is feeling it too.

You can only do your best... . validate dd15 and be present mentally and emotionally on this very important day for older daughter. 

If dd15 doesnt' want to attend the grad ceremony... . please don't make her... . she will be so upset she may put a real damper on the occasion.

 

As Vivgood points out... . this too shall pass.

 

[Kate4queen]

My BPD son made it impossible to enjoy any of his siblings graduations. I wish looking back that I'd just let him at home and not insisted on trying to pretend we were a normal happy family attending someone's special event.

If you can leave her at home, I would. Then you can at least enjoy your other daughter's special moment.

Sometimes its so hard.

[qcarolr]

Allowing my DD to stay home from family events worked for us. Best was when I could give her choice casally, without expressing any anger about her choice. She could whine about missing out all she wanted later. Are you concerned about D15 safety while you are gone?

qcr  

[jellibeans]

dear friends

we made it through the event... . dd15 did not want to be in the family photos and we didn't make her... . she sat with her aunt and I sat as far away as possible next to my older daughters bf mom... . we are good friends and I have watched her son grow like he was one of my own.

We went out for dinner and we made it through that too... . even though my dd eat very little... . can you say eating disorder... . her new thing

it was okay... . I am glad she came... . I think she would have regretted not going... . I also wanted her to see what it was like to graduate... . I was hoping that would plant a seed.

When we got home she started cleaning her room and getting ready for the party we are giving Sunday... . two more days and then I think things will be better for all of us... . I know I was super stressed today and I really had a hard time not being stressed. I really have to work on that... . easier said than done... . maybe I should start doing yoga or something... . I watched eat, love, pray and I really want to go to Bali... . thanks everyone... . I appreciate you all  

[BioAdoptMom3]

I just want to share that one of our worst nights with 13 y/o DD (our BPD child) was the night her oldest brother graduated from EMT school last fall!  I feel your pain.  Anytime someone else in the family is getting attention it seems to be hard for these kids.  ((HUGS)) and prayers!  Congratulations on your older DD's graduation!  Try to put this behind you, know that tomorrow will be better and enjoy the graduation!

[griz]

hey jellibeans:

sorry I haven't been on.  I am glad graduation turned out okay and that DD was able to go and not make it unpleasant.   That is a big step for her.  Cutting hair... . don't worry that grows back.  Eating issues... . that's where we are with DD right now.  She has become obsessive about losing weight.  For the past two weeks she hardly has eaten and keeps telling me that she is so afraid that she will gain back the 50 lbs she lost after coming off the meds.  I don't make a big deal about it, actually I ignore it.  Yesterday morning when I dropped her off at school she was complaining of not feeling well, dizzy, exhausted and more.  I told her that her body probably needs some fuel and suggested she stop at the dining hall before class and just dropped her off.  I am not going to make a battle out of this.  Last night she had friends over and asked if I would bbq.  I said sure, they are a pleasant group of kids.  I made lots of food and DD only ate a salad.  I just ignored it and before I knew it she was eating mac and cheese, a corn fritter and had a hot dog.  I also ignored that.  I do not make any remarks or appear to take notice of her eating or not eating, and I asked dh to do the same.

Today she went to the beach with a friend.  They came home hungry.  I had just roasted veggies and put some chicken on the grill.  Put it on the table and said help yourself girls.  DD didn't eat the chicken but ate enough veggies to choke a small country.  Just said, "glad you enjoyed them".  I am slowly learning that the more I do not acknowledge certain behaviors they just burn out. 

Try not to be angry at your dh. Maybe he just needed someone to talk to.  My dh doesn't have many friends and other than me he really doesn't have a place to talk about how he is feeling (refuses therapy).  He talked to his sister about our DD and at first I was angry but in the end she was very supportive.  Maybe you could let you inlaws know that you could use their support but not to go there with DD.

Griz

[jellibeans]

griz

I am doing that... . I really don't make a big deal about her eating. It has always been a control thing. I don't make special meals for her... . I just try to have at least one thing I think she will eat but that changes a lot from day to day... . one day she doesn't eat meat the next it is only chicken... . it is exhausting.

Today she cleaned her room and the whole up stairs and tomorrow I have a few more jobs for her. She did have ameltdown that I just had to walk away from when she started swearing at me. She is just all over the place. Roller coaster working around the clock here.

Tomorrow I told she could have a friend come to the party. I hope that was the right decision. I am going to focus on the party and my older daughter and come Monday we will have a sit down and address some the problems we have had this week. My house guest leave tomorrow and I have my home back and it will be easier to deal with dd whoth family being here.

thank bio for your words of support... . the attention seeking is pretty predictable... . I don't know why I was surprised. Party is tomorrow... . one more day... .

[crazedncrazymom]

Congratulations on your daughter's graduation!  I wish I had some words of advice.  I know you've been on such a bumpy road with your dd.  Maybe a stress free summer will help your dd.

I hope the party is everything your daughter deserves!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

So sorry jellibeans, just read this thread now when everything is successfully over.   

Congrats to your older daughter AND congrats to you on making it through this difficult time!

You did it! 

[vivekananda]

Let me join the congratulations party    (blue and green bumping balloons!)

so good your elder girl graduated. Big achievement.

Visitors soon to go. I predict a fallout. The relief when they leave will be audible and in the relaxed air, something wrong is easily said. Take care and it won't happen.

jellibeans, lie down and have a mental massage. Take yourself to a glorious tropical island where only beautiful people live (Bali). Imagine warm air, sun and shade, forests and stunning paddy fields and beautiful beaches. Pick somewhere to lie and mentally write out the problems, put them into balloons (blue and green bumping ones maybe  ) and let them float away. Surround your self in loving kindness, send it out to your family, then to everywhere. When you open your eyes, you can start saving for a visit to the real Bali!

Viv   

[jellibeans]

Vivek ... . I am thinking that is exactly what I need... . maybe just a beach trip with my dd and a chance to start the summer right. It was an exhausting day and I am so tired today but my dd is up early and is cleaning the whole house. Maybe she is relieved the party is over too. She seems better and she has her therapy today so we can talk about the few problems we had. I will start thinking of that tropical island today... .

pessim and crazed... . thanks for the support... . I am really hoping this summer we can do some serious work as a family to all get along better... .

[mggt]

Dear jellibeans,  So happy for your d graduation and you  

[mom2bkl]

Oh my thoughts are soo with you! Congrats on your daughter graduating and congratulations for working through your BPDs attention-getting behaviors during this time. I am always amazed by how these kids have SUCH similar behaviors. We are on the other end with our BPD dd18 graduating in a few days... . and holding our breath that it doesn't all come apart... . I'm sure when the actual attention is turned on for graduation it will all be fine... . but now its just the pressure! Thanks for showing the rest of us how to muscle through! 

[pessim-optimist]

Hope it will go good for you, mom2bkl.

One extra thought: I remember when I graduated (many eons ago) my friends and I were getting ready for entrance exams for our various universities, but during the day we had no other obligations, no outside structure; we did not belong in the high school, but did not belong to a university yet, other kids went to school still (the graduating class was done a bit early), we did not. Our parents had jobs, we did not. Suddenly the main identity and structure we had - high school - was taken away from us. And a good many of us (all healthy kids) felt a bit lost, confused and down. We just felt like suddenly we did not belong anywhere. And that was frightening... .

I can only imagine, what it must feel like for a pwBPD, when they graduate (so exciting but frightening at once). I guess, structure and planned activities and a plan for the future etc. might be a good antidote... .

[jellibeans]

pessim

I don't know what would be worse... . for the pwBPD to watch a sibling graduate or the pwBPD graduating... . both must be a challenge.

mom2bkl... . I don't know how well I muscled through but thank you for your words... .

mggt... . thanks for your kind words too!

UPDATE: tonight I took both my daughters to get their nose pierced... . let summer begin!

[lbjnltx]

Ouch!

[Cici]

I'm thinking about you.  tried to pm you but your box is full.  my d13 is about to graduate Falcon Ridge, I'd love for you to hear from her about her experience. 

Piercing noses?  Double ouch... . but ey' everyone's got there thing... .

[jellibeans]

yes I would love to hear all about it. My dd is good one day and the next she is raging... . I want to give her a chance but I am not sure she is committed to her therapist and program. Her therapist thinks so but I don't see a whole lot of positive behavior. I really don't know what to think but I am getting her registered with falcon ridge and we will have a plan if she ends up in the ER again. We told her we are looking at a RTC and if we see any poor coping skills we will put her in a bother place and this time is will be for the long run not the drive through approach.

I will say we have all tried to change but I still feel she does listen to me... . in fact her sister will repeat what I say to her and then she will understand... . until then she just yells and is upset because she stopped listening... . I have also had her therapist repeat back to her what i have said and the same thing happens... . she calms down quickly and is fine but she didn't hear me when I said the same thing... . we have family therapy tomorrow night and she will sit in for 30 minutes then my h and me will go over some issues while she attends group.

I will love to hear more about your experience at FRR... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[vivekananda]

hey jellibeans,

I will say we have all tried to change but I still feel she does listen to me... .

my dd (ok she is 32, not 13  ) said to me when she had her big melt down (18 mths ago) that if I said anything that she would immediately think the opposite, to counter what I had said. She said that my voice was in her head constantly telling her what to do, that it was real... . and this voice she heard wasn't 'helpful'... . it was a sort of psychosis I understood. She had me in her head nagging her the whole time. It didn't matter whether I had seen her the week before or there had been a month when I had not seen her, this voice was a constant. To cope with it, she just had to not hear what I said. Of course, when I heard that, that's when I broke up into little pieces. There was nothing I could do I thought, I thought that was it for us. Since then I am able to validate and set boundaries and I am moving into SET.

It may not be the same thing... . but I suppose the point is that there may be a 'good' reason this happens.

cheers,

Viv   

[jellibeans]

Yes V... . I have just recently realized she wasn't hearing me... . specially when her therapist repeated what I said. I feel she has a kind of brain seizure ... . she gets stuck... . what do you think will work with that? I was thinking of neuro feedback... . ? I am validating but I am not sure she hears me.

[lbjnltx]

Yes V... . I have just recently realized she wasn't hearing me... . specially when her therapist repeated what I said. I feel she has a kind of brain seizure ... . she gets stuck... . what do you think will work with that? I was thinking of neuro feedback... . ? I am validating but I am not sure she hears me.

Hi jellibeans,

It seems to me (not a pro so this is just my opinion) that your d shuts down cognitively when you try to communicate with her.  It appears to be an emotionally driven response tied to thinking errors/belief system.  This can become an entrenched behavior and can be undone through therapy.  Neurofeedback can help with the impulsivity that reinforces the belief system and thinking errors and might be putting the cart before the horse.  JMO

lbj

[vivekananda]

Neurofeedback sounds like a good idea... . I wish I had first hand experience myself (not only for me   but for dd I was really thinking  ).

I met with dd yesterday, it went well, just chatting about each others 'updates'. She said something I don't agree with, nothing important, just a different opinion about a minor current affair concern. When I lightly demurred, she immediately went into defensive mode and blocked my intimation. (I said, I'm not sure I see it like that). It seemed to me she was reading what I was going to say as being wrong, not helpful to hear, invalidating of her opinion and possibly judgemental. She is always on guard with me, waiting for me to 'abuse' her it seems. I immediately left the topic, maybe she can reflect upon the situation... . who knows.

She feels she needs to protect herself from me.

Vivek      

[jellibeans]

Vivek

isn't that the problem we are all faced with... . trying to forget the past and move forward. It is hard to do at times when the hurt is deep. I am glad you were able to change topic and move ahead... . maybe in time she will trust you more and not be ready for the imaginary attacks... .

Lbj

I consider you a pro! I think you are right about waiting with the neurofeedback... . there is already enough on her plate but I am interested in it.