My uBPDex talked to me while on campus today. The drama in her life is at an all time high. She's getting married in August but told me she got actually married in the court house a few weeks ago. She then started crying, saying for me to help her get out of the marriage. She said her husband or whatever he is now isn't me and that she misses me. She then got a call from him and he found out we talked at school. They then pretty much got in a fight. Seems like the sudden marriage is really triggering her. She said she feels like she has no control anymore and that the wedding planning is creating a lot of drama. She definitely dropped a few quick comments under her breath about leaving the guy. The one that was craziest was "you'll be a good second husband". I told her she shouldn't get married with these feelings but that I want no part in the demise of their relationship. I told her its her responsibility to figure out if she should get married. I'm guessing their relationship is getting close to the end if she's saying these things. I also noticed that she is in the habit of hiding her ring finger. She always folds her arms. Then again who knows... . this guy seems to be full speed ahead with her. It doesn't matter what she does. This is making my time with her seem like a picnic.
Being that she's BPD it's no surprise that she's throwing out her "bait" to take the temperature of your willingness to rescue her from her impulsive decisions. Her desperate please may stroke your ego and your desire to save and rescue but it would be smart to step back and assess the situation for what is is.
Your ex is a grown woman. You cannot rescue her from her choices or save her from bad decisions. Her life, her decisions.
That's one. Two. What are your boundaries? What is the line in the sand that you've drawn for yourself? You are not obligated to save her from herself or to live in the FOG of fear, guilt and obligation.
Three. Do you want her back? Do you believe that you deserve to be her "second husband"? I'm sensing that in some respect you're clinging on to her
words but no where in this story has your ex held herself as accountable for her actions. She wants you to be the white knight and I think on some irrational level it's tapping into your sense of worth. Do not delude yourself into this fantasy based thinking.
Four. Remember she's has a mental illness that sometimes renders her to be ruled by the unstable petulant child in her so do not fool yourself into believing that she desires to be fixed. Only intensive therapy can help her get better. Not the right guy, not "real" love, or the perfect one, or the soul mate fantasy so don't fall for it.
Five. This situation just sounds messy. Step away and do not allow her to pull you into her sinking ship. Value your life and know that you deserve to have your own sanity and peace of mind.
It is not our job to fix, repair or rescue them no matter how powerless they sometimes paint themselves to be. They are not victims. And your ex can figure this out on her own.
