Anxiety Before, Depression After

[Consumed]

I'm 45 yr old male. I broke up with and have NC with BPDgf since late Jan. Coming up to that point, I had so much anxiety I thought I was going to burst. Literally the next day, the anxiety was gone. I knew then and I know now the decision that I was trying to make (and thought I had a few times) for a year and a half was the right one. I do not want her back. I wish it did not have to end, but it did. I miss her little boy (my buddy) and I don't count on that ever resolving in my head, but I don't want that life again. The thought that it could have been a happy family was a fairy tale. I did want a family and a boy to raise as my own. That's gone now and I am set with that. With all of your help, I was able to finally pull myself away from a life that was going to eventually kill me. All that being said, my problem is, I have become so depressed and see myself as not wanting to deal with life at all. I have been sitting on my couch every night doing nothing since Feb. I have lost interest in everything. What I thought would be freedom from all the drama and chaos turned into my own paralyzing prison. It seems like I spent so much time catering to her, comforting and trying to love her that now there is nothing to love or care about. I know I'm depressed and I am going to start seeing a therapist in the next couple days and I am taking meds (none of which I would have needed before her). I just feel so down. What I have thought about is the things she would tear me up about, say the nastiest things. She picked out everything that I was not good at or had difficulty with and exposed it all. Stuff I may have known about myself, but never would judge myself or think someone else would. Things she liked about me at 1st, then used everything against me. It's memorial day weekend. I have Fridays off and I have been sitting on my couch since Thur afternoon (like I do every night and every weekend). Yesterday I sat and thought all day of suicide and just crying. I won't kill myself, I don't have the energy, nor do I want to burden anyone else with cleaning things out like my house or whatever. I feel my life is a waste and there's no reason to change it. I'm sure I'm gonna die alone. I can't go through another relationship. I don't think I will trust again, it's been too many times. The past 2 and a half years with her was the worst of my life. Before her, I was a positive person, didn't take things seriously just went with the flow and had fun. It seems all gone. I know I am not talking rationally, but I can't get these thoughts out of my head. I do have A.D.D and that's a lot of the beating myself up too (and some of what she used against me). No hyperactivity, but cant get anything started. I don't want this for the next 30 years. This sucks so bad. This may not the right forum for this, I just wish I never would have met her. I feel like she ripped all my skin off and all the crap came to the surface.

Thanks for listening.

[Maryiscontrary]

Oh man, this really, really sucks, doesn't it. I know the desire to self medicate with all kinds of bad stuff is probably huge right now.

This is a syndrome your brain is undergoing. Try, if you can, not to be sucked into the illusion. This is tragic, and the girl is badly dysregulated. All of us are going through the shock. If you can really tend to the small details, like nutrition, stress control, and boundarys against crappy things, you will come out in a much, much better state. I am astounded about how horrible some of the people closest to us can be, but for me, it was a time to take out the garbage. Make a stand for integrity.

There are people in this world who are really messed up. This is a reality. For me, it was a wake up call to eliminate exposure to others behaviors that bring me really down in a bad way.

I hope this helps.

[Mara2]

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. It is so hard to endure a difficult relationship and then feel like life is over because the relationship is.  You had a dream- a family to love- and the dream ended.  It is a death and you are grieving.  It hurts. 

One day it will be time to take the first step out of grief.  It is good that you are going to see a counselor.  For me the first step was to find things that I can do well.  My H was so good at telling me everything I did bad that I know my tombstone will say "It's all my fault".  So I began to find things I do well and to start doing then again.  It helps you feel better about yourself. 

I hope you are feeling better soon and we are always here to listen. 

[catsprt]

Accepting that you once let yourself down for an impossible dream is the hardest part of realizing that the present belongs to you. You will find some good advice here. Take care.

[Consumed]

Thank you for the great comments. The past week has been a little better. I have made some extremely small steps to getting off the couch. I beat myself up for the time I waste. I know I seek unhealthy partners and they seem to seek me out. Thoughts go to never having someone again, and all I am ever gonna end up with are sick game players and liers. I don't want to even think about a relationship at this time and want to spend time enjoying my self and regaining some motivation to be social again. Hopelessness is terrible and isolating when feeling hopeless is dangerous. If you read this and you are feeling hopeless and don't want to do anything; write on here! Post something, anything, just to get someone else to connect with. Thank you!

[Blazing Star]

I have made some extremely small steps to getting off the couch.

This is great! It doesn't matter how small the steps are, just the fact you are taking them is a wonderful thing!

Something that really helped me was getting in touch with who I was before I boarded the BPD train. I had to go back and look in journals and do other things that triggered the memories of who I was, old emails to friends, photos, music from that time etc... .

"Poetry? I used to like poetry? And dancing too? Really? I can't recall this!".

And even though I felt so so far from that person who liked poetry and dancing I thought I might see if she wanted to join me at the library to find some poetry books, or together we might find some music we liked to dance to, and when no one was looking we might turn it up loud and move a little.

This may sound rather silly, but for me they were the pivotal first steps.

Can you think of anything, any little thing you used to like doing?

Love Blazing Star