How to endure the begging/pleading?

[nonBPwife]

My uBPDh and I have been married for 14 years.  We have two children, 14s and 8d.  After fourteen years of being conflict-avoidant and a year of counseling, I finally was able to tell him that I am going to file for divorce.

Since then, I have endured NONSTOP begging, pleading, crying, promising, threatening to kill himself, etc.  While he does sound sincere, and he's saying all of the things I wished he'd said ten years ago, I feel numb to all of his speeches.  I just don't want to be married to him anymore.

I'm nervous about how he'll act when his attempts at breaking me down don't work like they have in the past.  I know he'll be so angry.

Have any of you dealt with this type of begging/pleading?

When will it stop and how do I deal with it?

Thanks

J

[Cumulus]

What a hard place to be in. I know so well. I was married to my xBPDh for many, many years. When I told him that was enough, he had to leave, is when the same kind of pleading, conciliatory behaviours began for me. I knew that although he meant all the ways he said he was going to change at that moment, that he was incapable of sustaining those changes and our life would soon be back to where it had always been.

I held firm to what I decided was best for me. I did not start divorce proceedings right away because it took me about six months of very limited contact with him to fully know within myself that separating was what was best. From this board I have learned that it probably was not only best for me, but best for him. It was not a decision that I made easily or without great thought.

When my xBPDh would attempt to pull me back into the relationship or act in disturbing ways I would tell him I was not the person he needed to be talking to, he needed to contact his doctor. I would also leave his presence.

So, that's my story, everyone's is a little different. You need to find what will work best for you and your children. I wish you well.

[nonBPwife]

Thank you so much, Cumulus.

I ended up moving out on May 24.  He was out of town, so I didn't have to deal with him trying to stop me.  Even though I'm back home with my parents (eek!), I cannot believe how nice it is to not be dealing with the passive aggressive behavior on a daily basis.  I didn't truly realize how much stress monitoring his moods caused me.

It was a HUGE step for me (and very empowering too).  I know this is the right decision.  He's determined that he's going to change, and he's even seeing a psychologist and accepting that he might have problems.  He's interested in reading about BPD, biopolar disorder, and ADHD.  He's also going to make an appointment with a psychiatrist.  I'm glad he's getting help, for the sake of our children, but I've made up my mind that I'm moving on.  I'm not in love with him.  (The hard part is getting him to SEE that and stop asking me out!)

Thank you for your continued support and for relating to me.

I truly appreciate it.