Going Forward

[Wanna Move On]

Hi, everyone. Sorry for a long, rambling post I wrote on this board the other day. While rambling, it was cathartic for me. I had to understand and explicate (for my own internal consumption) my ex's story in a fuller context. I guess I vented. 

That being said, I am attempting to come to grips with my own issues, specifically two: "CAD" (Core Attachment Disorder); and my own patterns of self-defeating behavior/learned helplessness.

I recognize that the CAD came from an invalidating/male-hating BPD mother who was sexually abused when younger and subsequently hated males, especially those intimately "attached" to her. (Guess which infant/young child/adolescent she radiated her vile, corrosive male-hatred out on? ME!) 

I am coming to the recognition that the self-defeating patterns I engaged in (and the type females I attracted/sought to "rescue" were indicative of MY own deep core wounds. I am now attempting to begin a process of healing MY internal wounds and changing MY external circumstances. It is a terrifying process. I am also beginning to recognize that "rescuing" is a toxic form of codependency I engaged in because it took the focus off me and my core-wounded templates. The females I chose radiated alter-egos I wished I'd had, and I sought to vicariously experience emotion through them. (Nothing dysfunctional with that, right?

Long story short: I would like to say hello to everyone here and hope this will be a safe place to vent, share and heal; and that (hopefully!) I will be able to contribute to others in their process of venting, sharing and healing. 

[MarcinN7]

I am also beginning to recognize that "rescuing" is a toxic form of codependency I engaged in because it took the focus off me and my core-wounded templates. The females I chose radiated alter-egos I wished I'd had, and I sought to vicariously experience emotion through them. (Nothing dysfunctional with that, right?

Hi,

this part i bolded really gave me something to think about... . dunno... . i have to process this if i have not been doing something similar... .

I`m automatically attracted to either the silent sweet/caring type, or the extremely cheerful full of energy radiant type with which i could bash my head against. The *normal* type never excited me.

Maybe with the silent type (exGFwithBPD/AvPD) it is easier to be the energetic and cheerfull type by comparison.

And the energetic type is the person i want to be? Food for thought really :D Thanks

As for me, i didnt have a mother like yours but have grown up in a very invalidating environment. My parents attach their value to things/accomplishments and their children. So while i was never abandoned or something liek this my needs and wants were never ever important. Only my parents needs and wants were important so they could later gloat about what good kids they have. I had it somewhat lighter because i fought with them a lot but it still left a mark. My sister has it worse, she was totally brainwashed and is living her life to please other while she herself is falling apart.

Good to have you here Thanks for posting

[MarcinN7]

I also recommend reading a post by user "2010" in this thread.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.5

on the lonely child/abandoned child relationship dynamics.

Its pretty much what i experienced and is really insightful.

[Validation78]

Hi Wannamove, welcome!

One of the things we work hard to do on this board to to focus on ourselves, how we got into a relationship with a pwBPD, process the effects of the relationship, and heal from it in order to move on with a healthy outlook on our futures.

It's natural to want to vent, and sometimes it is a release of pent up tension and frustration. In the long run though, it tends to be more harmful than helpful because it makes us feel like victims, and keeps us from finding a more healthy solution to what really happened and what is happening upon a breakup with a pwBPD.

It's great to share our experiences with one another. I find it comforting to know that I am not alone. It also helps to share what we experience through self reflection as we can gain knowledge about ourselves through the experiences of other members as well. It sure sounds like you are going through that process, which I believe you will find very helpful throughout your healing journey.

The bottom line is to put all of the tools together, to improve and heal ourselves in order to lead healthy and productive lives filled with love and peace!

Best Wishes,

Val78