I'm ready to set up boundries. How does that look?

[Cipher13]

I'm at the en dof my rope and have realized I let alot of this happen to me. I havenever had boundries before with my wife.  I want to set up so many but I don't think I can just start putting up these walls and fences and signs all of a sudden.  How do I approach this. I know it will come into contact with resistance by her.

There are 2 items that I would like boundries set up for. 

#1 Being able to say no to a task without the third degree and me ultimately doing it anyway. Example: She has a calm technique that she has likes since she was a child... . the bottoms of her feet tickled and rubbed. Now I enjoy making her happy but this isn't about that anymore its about a requirement to comply with the order of tickling/rubbing of the feet. Everyday even in the car when we go places.

#2 Maybe this is part of the NO thing also but the endless tasks I am given while she sits or lays in bed from the time she gets home from work until we go to sleep. I cook/clean/wash clothes/brush the dog/walk the dog. For crying out loud I do things most men don't or would never do... . had wash her clothes, ie bra and other had wash items, i get the grocceries also so that include feminane products... . i gas up her car.  Now I will say this I am not trying to avoid ever doing these things but she is not an invalid or vegtable. She can taek care of her self but I have let it go to the point I do it all. When I complain or refuse the bombs are burstin gin the air and then I do it anyway.

#3 How do I get her to stop missing me when I leave the room for 5 seconds or ask me if i'm coming back if I'm going to get something for her which would obvipously make me come back to the room. Example she will ask to get her a tissue then ask if I am coming back... . Its draining me.

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[rosannadanna]

Have you read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" yet?  It has some examples of how to set boundaries that are simple, behavioral modification techniques that would work for your situation.  Also read on here about extinction bursts.  You may think you have observed some bad tantrums up to this point, but when you change your current dynamic and are no longer giving in to her demands she will throw the mother of all tantrums, especially since it has gone on for a while; you will be taking away a pleasurable, soothing activity that has been able to get on a whim; and you will be asking her to step up and do more of the household chores for the first time.

Brace yourself and good luck!

[Cipher13]

I have looked over that book yes. I have not officially read it as I have no way to without causing an alarm.

What are extinction burts?

I tried to start to set up a boundary last night and I don't know how well I did. Well maybe it was more a bribe. She wanted me to brush the dog. Now she had a long day are work. got home 2 hours later than usual. But she had time to do it. So when she asked me and said I had plenty of time before she got home. I explained you have time now. She said no she was tired and was going to get ready for bed. I said I would but I want something in return. A kiss. Usually I get a peck on the cheek when I say that. I said the quality of the kiss deternans the quality of the brushing I give the dog.  It was a nice one.

That wasn't a boundary was it? Did I get played again? This is not easy. I'm trying to set up a boundary that hasn't been there ever in our 12 years together.

[zaqsert]

Hi Cipher13,

It's great to see that you are working on things that you can do.

In addition to the SWOE book, I found the lessons here (links at the right --> very helpful.  Reading through all of them helped me understand how to enforce boundaries and also why it is important to approach them as recommended.  What may be a perfectly normal logical approach with someone else may backfire with someone with BPD.

I think boundaries are not so much about negotiating.  They are more about what you will do when XYZ happens, often to protect yourself.  For example, if I am raged at then I will leave the room.  I can't make my uBPDw stop raging, but I can remove myself.  Eventually, she seems to have learned that raging doesn't help and, in fact, it makes me leave the room, so she rages much less.

I'm not entirely sure how to suggest that you approach the unbalanced distribution of chores at home.  I have the same problem.  My uBPDw sits around watching TV most of the day.  I work all day.  Then she expects me to do many chores at home that she had ample time to do herself.  I don't mind doing some of them, and sometimes I just find other things to have higher priority, so I will put some of them off.  Of course it's not about the time spent for her.  She seems to feel that if I don't do these things then I must not care about her.

Interestingly, sometime after I started enforcing boundaries, she started to treat me with more respect, and has even said that she feels I help out more -- when in fact in many ways I have done less.

When someone is used to getting something and you then enforce a boundary, which means they will stop getting it, they may go through an extinction burst.  It can look like a huge tantrum where they escalate and pull out all the stops in the hopes that you will, once again, respond as you used to.  Eventually they will realize that you have changed your response to their demands, and they will tone down their demands.  Sometimes I feel that I am learning some of the same things with my uBPDw as I am with my 2 year old daughter.

It would help to read up on the lessons.  When you try them, know that you've got support here for the rough times.  My wife's extinction burst was not fun, but it was worth it to have made it through to the other side.

zaqsert

[Cipher13]

zaqsert,

Hey thank you fpr your post. How do you handle the extinction bursts?  I realize I will get the full gambit of the horrible things thrown my way. Are ther ways to bring it up that can be more helpful than other. I realize telling her to get up and do it yourself isn't the approach that will work (even for a non thats not effective). 

I just read up on some posts about   extinction bursts  to find out what that was. Also I ran in to "projecting".  I feel that she is doing that but its not obvious. Now she has regually accused me a cheating or her current and most using accusation (well I can't repeat it but involes me cheating on her with just me and a hand).  Diddling myself i guess is a close way to sum it up. I wish I could say she is and has been 100% unfounded in this accuasation. However on a few occassions I have done just that and she found out.

And because of that I must be doing that every second she is not with me. First question out of her mouth when she gets home from work. ":)id you diddle today? and I doubt believe you. Prove it. How can you get mem to trust you?"

[Auspicious]

I'm at the en dof my rope and have realized I let alot of this happen to me. I havenever had boundries before with my wife.  I want to set up so many but I don't think I can just start putting up these walls and fences and signs all of a sudden.  How do I approach this. I know it will come into contact with resistance by her.

There are 2 items that I would like boundries set up for. 

#1 Being able to say no to a task without the third degree and me ultimately doing it anyway. Example: She has a calm technique that she has likes since she was a child... . the bottoms of her feet tickled and rubbed. Now I enjoy making her happy but this isn't about that anymore its about a requirement to comply with the order of tickling/rubbing of the feet. Everyday even in the car when we go places.

#2 Maybe this is part of the NO thing also but the endless tasks I am given while she sits or lays in bed from the time she gets home from work until we go to sleep. I cook/clean/wash clothes/brush the dog/walk the dog. For crying out loud I do things most men don't or would never do... . had wash her clothes, ie bra and other had wash items, i get the grocceries also so that include feminane products... . i gas up her car.  Now I will say this I am not trying to avoid ever doing these things but she is not an invalid or vegtable. She can taek care of her self but I have let it go to the point I do it all. When I complain or refuse the bombs are burstin gin the air and then I do it anyway.

#3 How do I get her to stop missing me when I leave the room for 5 seconds or ask me if i'm coming back if I'm going to get something for her which would obvipously make me come back to the room. Example she will ask to get her a tissue then ask if I am coming back... . Its draining me.

We have a lot of material about boundaries, for example:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368

A boundary is not a "rule" that you make for someone else. You can't make her do something, stop doing something, feel or not feel something.

You can control what you do or don't do.