First, let me say I don't think you are selfish. You seem the opposite of that. You want something better for yourself and your kids and that is natural and normal. Of course we don't want to see our kids hurt or in a bad situation, but hindsight is always 20/20. It's easy to look back and say I should have done things differently. I have done that many, many times. I was mad at myself for the stupid choices I made. But I had to come to accept them and that I did the best I could in the situation.
You can forgive yourself and realize that you did the best you could. Maybe you were hoping for something better, but you have the life you have now. Try to think in the positive in your situation. You have two children, I hope they are healthy and bring you lots of joy. It is hard to basically raise them by yourself, but think of what you have that you can be grateful for. I know it's hard when you are feeling down, but even a small change in perspective can help you lots.
Things get easier as the kids get older too!
What can you do now that could bring you some joy or that could help you build a different, better future? It's important to keep moving forward and not get stuck in the yuck of all of it. Try not to get too caught up in the past and the history of what has happened. You lived it once, try not to go back over it and torture yourself further.
I just want you to know that you are not alone. We all have really down times and it's good for you to reach out like this and get some advice and reassurances!
