Break up is done. What to expect next?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Yesterday, my girlfriend of 9 months let slip she was a BPD.  I immediately looked it up online and thank goodness I did.   I saw my story told by so many other people, almost each sharing exactly the same hell I have been going through the last 9 months.

I spent all night studying this disorder and stumbled upon this message board.   Armed with knowledge I had lacked before, realizing I wasn't the cause of all of the abuse, I made the decision today to end it once and for all.   The stories other have told her gave me the determination and courage to end it. 

I ended it kindly, not attacking her.  Simply saying this relationship was no longer a good fit for me.

From those who have gone through this, what all am I to expect from my ex?   The phone calls have already begun, telling me she will be f**king the guy she left me for in the next 24 hours, how I am a loser, I caused all of this, I never loved her, she is going to call my job and get me fired, ad nauseum.  I have not played into the game.  I have firmly asked her not to call and asked her to move on. 

From ya'lls experience, what else do I have to expect?  Do I keep it polite but firm and refuse to enter into any conversation here?   I am in uncharted territory and could use any input anyone would like send my way.

On the brighter side, I know I have a long road of recovery to travel, but for the first time in 9 months I feel like a human being again.  Thankfully I am involved in a 12 step program already so I have my established program and a support base already in place.

Thank you,

Cyle

[cylec]

Yesterday, my girlfriend of 9 months let slip she was a BPD.  I immediately looked it up online and thank goodness I did.   I saw my story told by so many other people, almost each sharing exactly the same hell I have been going through the last 9 months.

I spent all night studying this disorder and stumbled upon this message board.   Armed with knowledge I had lacked before, realizing I wasn't the cause of all of the abuse, I made the decision today to end it once and for all.   The stories other have told her gave me the determination and courage to end it. 

I ended it kindly, not attacking her.  Simply saying this relationship was no longer a good fit for me.

From those who have gone through this, what all am I to expect from my ex?   The phone calls have already begun, telling me she will be f**king the guy she left me for in the next 24 hours, how I am a loser, I caused all of this, I never loved her, she is going to call my job and get me fired, ad nauseum.  I have not played into the game.  I have firmly asked her not to call and asked her to move on. 

From ya'lls experience, what else do I have to expect?  Do I keep it polite but firm and refuse to enter into any conversation here?   I am in uncharted territory and could use any input anyone would like send my way.

On the brighter side, I know I have a long road of recovery to travel, but for the first time in 9 months I feel like a human being again.  Thankfully I am involved in a 12 step program already so I have my established program and a support base already in place.

Thank you,

Cyle

[eniale]

You are now experiencing rage from your ex pwBPD.  Mood swings are wide.  This can be a very serious disorder & can cause the other party great devastation & pain.  You have ended it, my recommendation would be to stick to it.  It is a treatable disorder, but the only one who can help them is themselves.  Save yourself a lot of pain.  Everyone has different experiences, but I think mine is fairly typical.  I did not realize my ex had BPD; as far as I know, he has not been diagnosed, but there is a lot I don't know.  People with BPD have a great conflict -- they do not want to be abandoned, yet are terrified of real emotional intimacy.  During a relationship of a year, I just thought he could be extremely difficult & sometimes rude.  I thought I knew what abuse was; but it is far more than I ever thought.  We were getting closer and closer, and then, very unexpectedly he told me he had met someone else.  I was totally crushed.  Then I got angry.  Sent him a goodbye email and was 4 months NC (no contact.)  Got a therapist; she said he would be back in touch, I never believed it, but 2 weeks ago got email from him "Can we be friends."  Had a few brief emails until I ended it.  He never apologized or said he was sorry; just wanted to be "close friends!"  Just when you think you are over them, they can hurt you again.  Next time will maintain NC.  You will probably continue to get emails, texts, etc.  I would recommend not responding at all.  Keep reading & researching and pat yourself on the back for your courage.  Good luck.

[danley]

I'd say getting angry and wanting revenge could be the reaction from just about anyone, BPD or not. I will say that your ex does verge on the edge of extreme. Some people FEEL like doing the things your ex mentioned but never actually say them out loud or actually do them. I believe she has been caught off guard with you breaking up with her and she's obviously upset. I was upset when my ex out of the blue ended our relationship. His rages and projections afterwards were so painful. It took me several weeks to even comprehend everything.  You on the other hand are in a better position. You ended things because you had strong boundaries and knew things weren't right in the relationship. Key here being that YOU ended things.

Everybody's situation is different but if you read some of the stuff on this site you'll get a feel for the different ways things could play out for you. The breakup is fresh but I'm sure all the drama within your relationship isn't. It seems like you are ahead of the game already and know that you don't deserve to put up with your exs shenanigans anymore.  Keep reading the boards and you will find plenty of knowledge on what you might expect from your ex post breakup.

[cylec]

I did not start a new thread for the new twists in development. 

I finally just quit answering the phone last night, constant calls from her.   I got a good night's sleep and woke up this morning to 4 e-cards and 3 lengthy messages.   All very tender and loving messages.   Very apologetic, of course expressing her unending love for me.  I would lie if I said I wasn't tempted to contact her back.   She apologized for her insanely jealous acts this past week, admitted she was insecure.   Is this all part of the game they play?  Is this her pushing the buttons in me that she knows have always worked in the past?  On the other hand I have to ask this question... . is it possible she is meaning what she is saying?  I think I know the answers to the questions I have asked, or at least I have a gut feeling I do.   It is the former... .

[Validation78]

Hi Cylec!

Welcome, glad you found us here and that the site has enlightened you to the facts about BPD. It's comforting to get answers to the questions many of us had during the course of our relationships, however sad to find out the truth! My heart goes out to you, as I'm sure that even though you did what you felt was right for you, it is still difficult!

My suggestion is to not engage with her about anything at this point. If you said everything you have to say, what's the point of talking any further unless there's something that would make you change your mind about breaking up. If you're sure about your decision, and there is no unfinished business, do not engage. It will lead to no good, and you will likely see her waver between sweetness and anger. BPD is an emotional disorder, as you already know, and you have probably seen her run the full range of emotions over the course of your relationship. She will likely try to appeal to your emotions in any way possible to get you to respond. It's very difficult to turn the other cheek, however, at this time, it may be best for you to do so. If you respond, you can expect her to continue contacting you, as she knows how to get to you.

This is a time to focus on yourself and to decide how you will proceed to get yourself back on track. It sounds like the last 9 months have been difficult, and this is a chance for you to get on a healing path, and to move on with your life in a healthy manner.

Best Wishes,

Val78

[laelle]

Meaning what she is saying is totally different than being able to deliver on what she is saying.

The truth to someone with BPD ends when it leaves their lips.  They say whatever it is they need to say to give them what they need.

I think it is more important for you to think back to what made you decide that you have had enough and NEEDED to break things off.

[Cocoalover]

She would not let you be in peace. The more you stay firm the more she tries. What would make it difficult for was when I would not answer his call messages email rolling in pain , she was sobbing begging for an answer, and how would I handle it? It made it even more difficult and put on more devastation , but could do no more, I myself was all over the place.

Keep reading in here. You're on the right place.

[bpdspell]

Cylec,

What you are experiencing is called an extinction burst. It's an intense cycle of rage, love bombing, begging pleading, desperation and manipulation tactics use to cloud your decision making. Your ex is deeply fearful of abandonment and will do anything to avoid being alone with her disordered feelings. I don't care if you have to write this on your refrigerator or your bathroom mirror: But it is not your job to help her; it's her job.

Stick to your decision and keep reading about BPD. You will not help her by going back into her arms. In fact going back to her will only enable her disordered behavior and prove that her guilting tactics work like a charm. The longer you stay with them the worse it gets; it doesn't get better and there are members on here who've been with their BPD's 10, 15, 20, 35 + years... . lives ruined, destroyed, and lots of hurt, regret and shame... .

Untreated she is a mentally unwell and unstable person who is capable of doing real emotional damage to those who get close to her because they scapegoat and blame others for their disordered thoughts and internal pain and shame. It will be a tough ride but you can get off the ferris wheel of crazy. You deserve to protect yourself and have your sanity and peace of mind back.

Spell.

[cylec]

I am going to post a message she sent me this morning.   I feel guilty and a bit of shame for doing so, but I am just so confused.  I've never been this confused in my life, I am not a child.  I have had relationships in the past that have been good and been not so good.  Of course I have been through break ups - Broken up with and being broken up with... . But no relationship has ever been this difficult to both maintain and for me to end.

Yesterday I was on the euphoric high of learning about BPD, realizing it all wasn't my fault, and realizing I certainly was not alone.   Today, even with several of ya'll telling me what I know I am right back in emotional turmoil.   Probably the same questions a lot of ya'll have asked yourself.  I am not trying to invite anyone in for voyeuristic purposes, probably some of ya'll have received very similar messages. 

Here is just one of the messages I received after ending our relationship yesterday:

please check your email, i sent you a few cards ,just expressing my own faults aas hard as you know that is for me and my heart,i would appreciate that very much if you dont mind at least. ty. i love you cyle and i am sorry for not putting my all in all into us this week, ive been wrong too you, insecure has controlled me, i just love you i fail but ill spend eternity trying to make you happy because you make my heart beat everyday . you are my soulmate my bf and ive notacted like it ive failed you ,weve not begun cyle, our lives together , dont throw it away on my stupid isnsecurites, have to see theres such a bigger picture out there for you and me ,beyond all this garbage , i am sorry , i love you i will marry you someday i know that in my heart. i love you cyler. julie.

I have walked away from relationships much easier in the past... . I just can't wrap my brain around what it is about this person that just gets to me.

To the kind folks who have taken time to reply already, your words were not in vain, they have been very encouraging and helpful.   It's just I am so damn confused... . and it makes me so angry at myself that I am confused.

Cyle

[laelle]

Love is more than words... .   What actions did she do that showed you that she loved you?

Were your needs important to her?  Did she support you in them?

Did she respect, trust and love you enough to be honest and faithful to you?

Do you really want her to try and fail for the rest of your lives to love you? ... . She said it herself.

[Octoberfest]

I am going to post a message she sent me this morning.   I feel guilty and a bit of shame for doing so, but I am just so confused.  I've never been this confused in my life, I am not a child.  I have had relationships in the past that have been good and been not so good.  Of course I have been through break ups - Broken up with and being broken up with... . But no relationship has ever been this difficult to both maintain and for me to end.

Yesterday I was on the euphoric high of learning about BPD, realizing it all wasn't my fault, and realizing I certainly was not alone.   Today, even with several of ya'll telling me what I know I am right back in emotional turmoil.   Probably the same questions a lot of ya'll have asked yourself.  I am not trying to invite anyone in for voyeuristic purposes, probably some of ya'll have received very similar messages. 

Here is just one of the messages I received after ending our relationship yesterday:

please check your email, i sent you a few cards ,just expressing my own faults aas hard as you know that is for me and my heart,i would appreciate that very much if you dont mind at least. ty. i love you cyle and i am sorry for not putting my all in all into us this week, ive been wrong too you, insecure has controlled me, i just love you i fail but ill spend eternity trying to make you happy because you make my heart beat everyday . you are my soulmate my bf and ive notacted like it ive failed you ,weve not begun cyle, our lives together , dont throw it away on my stupid isnsecurites, have to see theres such a bigger picture out there for you and me ,beyond all this garbage , i am sorry , i love you i will marry you someday i know that in my heart. i love you cyler. julie.

I have walked away from relationships much easier in the past... . I just can't wrap my brain around what it is about this person that just gets to me.

To the kind folks who have taken time to reply already, your words were not in vain, they have been very encouraging and helpful.   It's just I am so damn confused... . and it makes me so angry at myself that I am confused.

Cyle

Hey man don't feel bad.  It is absolutely normal to be as confused, torn, and conflicted as you are.  It is part of what sets BPD relationships apart from normal ones.  We have all been in your shoes, and many of us still are.  We know how much of a struggle it is.  Keep reading peoples thoughts here and give it time.  You need time to process all of this... . If you are feeling like you want to contact her or reconcile, I advise waiting 24 hours.  Wait a day and see if you still feel the same way.  I know that I had massive mood swings and impulses concerning my BPDex that got me into more trouble.

best,

Octoberfest

[danley]

What Octoberfest says is True. You will have impulses to react or contact your ex. It's normal and takes a lot to resist. It's almost like a losing battle arguing with a BPD. No matter what you say it won't get thru when they're in one of their rages or disillusioned state. But even that didn't stop me. I kept butting heads and it wasn't getting me anywhere. I do know my ex heard and could comprehend what I was saying but at the moment he'd be solely concerned with getting his side across. There was No compromising in his raged state.

I agree that it's pretty normal to feel confused right now. It's like dealing with two separate people. You wonder which one is the one you'll be talking to or seeing. I would agree with Octoberfest and give yourself some time instead of impulsively contacting your ex. Its not easy to do when you feel upset. Only you can take control of the situation.

[babyducks]

... . I just can't wrap my brain around what it is about this person that just gets to me.

cylec,

a r/s with a person suffering from the traits of BPD is one of the most confusing things I have every experienced.  intellectually I know my ex has disordered thinking and mood swings that surface time after time and nearly gut me when they do.  doesn't change the fact that I care deeply for her.   

I guess you don't get to choose who you fall in love with and I fell in love with a mentally ill person.   

I believe my Ex loved me desperately,  and that was the problem.   her need to love and feel love was so desperate that when it was good, it was very good but when that need wasn't met for some reason it was he! on wheels. 

please give yourself the gift of time, time to let emotions and memories diminish, time to get your feet underneath you.

understand what you have just been through is hard, so much of it is not what it seems.  remember she isn't a bad person she is a sick one.

take care of yourself first.

babyducks

[jollygreen]

dont throw it away on my stupid isnsecurites, have to see theres such a bigger picture out there for you and me ,beyond all this garbage , i am sorry , i love you i will marry you someday i know that in my heart. i love you cyler. julie.

Blame game, "don't throw it away cylec, you're not seeing the big picture. Yeah I know ive been horrible and crappy to you, but you're just going throw it all away." my ex said I was her soul mate and wanted to marry me too. She also had names for each of the three kids we were going to have. That's why it hurt, I believed it and actually for the first time ever said to myself I could marry this woman. And that's when she split, the moment I showed she could have me. Words are tools to these people, very skillful when need be.

[winston72]

Yikes, JollyGreen!  Great analysis.  I received emails that were virtually verbatim to those sent to Cylec... . and I fell for them... . and I did not see the switch of responsibility... . the blame.  Duh!  I suppose my being a vulnerable, manipulable (is this really a word?) fool was what made me vulnerable in the first place... . and is still the case!

[jollygreen]

I don't think you were gullible or vulnerable Winston. You loved someone and would do anything for them. The glasses of love can shield manipulation. One week before my ex split me black and left, I told her I loved her and would do anything for her. Later that day she texted that same thing after I thanked her for doing something. One week later that didn't matter. Just words... .

[eniale]

How about this... . my ex cheated on me & I said goodbye to him.  4 months NC, then he emails me -- "Can we be friends?  A close friendship can be very fulfilling."  (No apology, no "I'm sorry.)  Then goes on to say "I am now in a serious relationship, but not a day goes by I don't think of you.  I now realize I have great affection for you & that I greatly under-valued you.  I don't want to lose contact with you."  Do you BELIEVE this guy?  He "now" realizes he has "great affection" for me?  After a year of telling me he wanted us to belong to each other for the rest of our lives, he was crazy about me, etc.  Maybe he just have said "I am crazy" PERIOD.  You cannot keep your sanity and stay in any kind of contact with such people.  My hunch:  things are not going all that well in his "serious relationship" so he has taken the box he put me in down off the shelf.  Only they can help themselves & they won't look inward or do the necessary hard work.  They break your heart.  Stay away from them.

[simplyasiam]

hello, ive got the basic same not 2 or 3 times over the last 6 years. last one went something like this.

hello hope your doing well you really are better off with out me.

noone will ever understand us and our love

i have doctos appt monday at 10 if you wanta come if you care anymore

if you wanta contact me plz call me friens melissa she will let me know;

          i love and miss you.

that was going on 4 weeks ago now. thanks to these boards and counsiling and my family its geting better every day. i know these matter of the heart and mind cut deep but plz hear group leaders and other here say about being careful. you dont wanta be years on end into this and have to look back and know some of the thing myself and other here have to know about what was doing to us