8 days nc , then it all breaks loose.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

After 8 days of quiet, I get a call from a number I didn't recognize. It was him. He was panicked. Said he was sick from the NC and was so glad to hear my voice. Followed that with all his life problems and how he was moving etc. I was calm and very boring or tried to be. Gave no personal information. I ended the call and he quickly said "I love you". Mind you he has another women living with him. He was contacting me from another town where he was visiting family with his children.

Next came several calls. I didn't answer until they were completely unreal. Like 10 to 15 in a row. He wanted to talk as if we were close again. I didn't do it. Kept calm again and ended the call. He started crying and begging.

Next came the emails. Many, asking me to please talk to him. He had to speak to me it was important. I replied that it wouldn't be a good idea. He panicked further and began calling over and over again. I answered the call. HUGE Mistake! He kept wanting me to "help" him. That he was in trouble and only I could fix the problem. I had left him and watched his life fail and watched him fail. "How could you?" and the call went on. It was all my fault because I had "abandoned" him. He only ever loved me and "it" was real. He believed in me more than he believed in God. ( This scares me).

I calmly told him that I needed to work on me. That I was trying to not cause him more pain and that he could get help from a professional and he would be on the road to a better life. He kept trying to push buttons. He is well armed too.  I managed to remain calm and didn't get emotional. At least at first. I kept trying to get off the phone. He then persisted and threats began.

He said he would come to my house etc. That he was going to see me no matter what I said or did. I told him I was scared and that he needed to stop. He then threatened suicide. He was crying and inconsolable. I felt so horrible. He hung up the phone and I immediately called his family. They were clueless. He was in their house and doing this from behind closed doors. When they checked on him he was fine.

I calmed down and finally managed a little sleep, although very fitful I must say. Only to be awoke first thing with calls. I answered to "I hate you, you will never hear from me again. I hope all the pain I have suffered is visited on you ten fold... . " I hung up.


Then came the email that was chilling to me. He said he was going to kill himself. He had made up his mind he was in too much pain. I immediately called his family again and informed them of the email. They didn't take it seriously. They don't think he will do a thing because he has threatened before. Often actually. I never take these things lightly. I told them I would contact the authorities if the threats persisted. They said they would watch after him while he was there and for me to not worry.

How can I not worry? Do I not take it seriously? Do I contact the authorities? I told his family. I am 3 hours from where they are. This has been the hardest few days. I was struggling before with missing the good of us.  Now when I know he is suffering , I am wanting to rescue and I know I cant. Then there is the fact that when they checked on him he was seemingly just fine. Was He just trying to hurt me?

[clover528]

After 8 days of quiet, I get a call from a number I didn't recognize. It was him. He was panicked. Said he was sick from the NC and was so glad to hear my voice. Followed that with all his life problems and how he was moving etc. I was calm and very boring or tried to be. Gave no personal information. I ended the call and he quickly said "I love you". Mind you he has another women living with him. He was contacting me from another town where he was visiting family with his children.

Next came several calls. I didn't answer until they were completely unreal. Like 10 to 15 in a row. He wanted to talk as if we were close again. I didn't do it. Kept calm again and ended the call. He started crying and begging.

Next came the emails. Many, asking me to please talk to him. He had to speak to me it was important. I replied that it wouldn't be a good idea. He panicked further and began calling over and over again. I answered the call. HUGE Mistake! He kept wanting me to "help" him. That he was in trouble and only I could fix the problem. I had left him and watched his life fail and watched him fail. "How could you?" and the call went on. It was all my fault because I had "abandoned" him. He only ever loved me and "it" was real. He believed in me more than he believed in God. ( This scares me).

I calmly told him that I needed to work on me. That I was trying to not cause him more pain and that he could get help from a professional and he would be on the road to a better life. He kept trying to push buttons. He is well armed too.  I managed to remain calm and didn't get emotional. At least at first. I kept trying to get off the phone. He then persisted and threats began.

He said he would come to my house etc. That he was going to see me no matter what I said or did. I told him I was scared and that he needed to stop. He then threatened suicide. He was crying and inconsolable. I felt so horrible. He hung up the phone and I immediately called his family. They were clueless. He was in their house and doing this from behind closed doors. When they checked on him he was fine.

I calmed down and finally managed a little sleep, although very fitful I must say. Only to be awoke first thing with calls. I answered to "I hate you, you will never hear from me again. I hope all the pain I have suffered is visited on you ten fold... . " I hung up.


Then came the email that was chilling to me. He said he was going to kill himself. He had made up his mind he was in too much pain. I immediately called his family again and informed them of the email. They didn't take it seriously. They don't think he will do a thing because he has threatened before. Often actually. I never take these things lightly. I told them I would contact the authorities if the threats persisted. They said they would watch after him while he was there and for me to not worry.

How can I not worry? Do I not take it seriously? Do I contact the authorities? I told his family. I am 3 hours from where they are. This has been the hardest few days. I was struggling before with missing the good of us.  Now when I know he is suffering , I am wanting to rescue and I know I cant. Then there is the fact that when they checked on him he was seemingly just fine. Was He just trying to hurt me?

[xenia]

You informed his family and they said they'd take care of it. You'll probably worry, but he's not your responsibility. It sounds like the contact isn't good for either of you. Doesn't seem like he's trying to hurt you--just that he's panicking. You know how hearing from them takes us off balance? I imagine hearing from you does the same to them, maybe worse. I think the best thing you can do for the both of you is to ignore his calls/text/e-mails until you're in a better position to handle it.

Sometimes I think we get so caught up in the "rules" that we forget they're still people with feelings.

[Ittookthislong]

see this is what I don't understand... . and be perfectly honest with me im ok hearing the truth, but the way your ex acted, is EXACTLY how I acted. He just abandoned and gave the silent treatment after I ran out of money to support him and was all alone with no support whatsoever. He did the whole, staying calm, ignoring me, acting like I needed to talk to someone and I was crazy- though from my perspective anybody would be thrown off


being ignored and treated like I was crazy is what was making me crazy. mutual friends don't talk to me anymore. nothing, and I mean NOTHING hurt more than this person doing the "boundary" thing as if I was a disease that needed to be quarantined. its strange that nobody has a clear idea of who is the BPD the abandoned or the abandoner. Im open to the fact that I am, but I wish I knew.

How is anyone supposed to know which party is the BPD when both sides of the same story seem to be on this board.

[clover528]

He just threatened me again. I asked why he was threatening me and he coldly said, "because i can". I am going to get a restraining order. I am staying with my boys father and I have kept him out of this. He has wanted to intervene on my behalf and I have refused. I am afraid I will need his help further. I really have no one else to help me. Im shaking right now. He just went off on me threatened to call my family and come here again. When he hung up he was ice cold and so scary. I fear for my safety and the safety of my family and children. I wont answer if he calls again. I am very scared right now. feeling trapped and very alone.

Thank you for the replies.

[winston72]

In my relationship, both of us exhibited borderline behavior traits.  I think it is commonly accepted on these boards that there is a substantial amount of mutual dysfunction and that any of us in these relationships take on the attributes of our partner. I have been on both sides of the NC initiative.  

In the post from Clover528, I do not sense that she shut him out or was non-responsive to his pain.  The threat to commit suicide is extreme and appears to be expressed in an attempt to evoke a reaction, and action, from Clover.  :)id you threaten suicide in your outcry?  

I went crazy with pain and wrote some really long, emotive emails.  I thought it was a form of honesty and engagement.  In any event, it was just crazy pain.  Much of it did not receive a response.  The silent treatment was awful.  But I would put that in the category of "normal" crazy!  What this guy is doing... . calling while in a relationship, hiding from his family and his new partner, threatening suicide, going black and white on Clover... . that is excessively unhealthy and inappropriate.

[clover528]

I wasnt trying to be silent. He told me after the fact that he had no phone. That is why I didnt recognize the number. I thought he was moving on. I was relieved he hadnt contacted me although I was very sad at times missing the good we shared. He is in a very stressful situation in his life. I know the behaviors tend to escalate when they are under stress. He is losing his home. Has no income except a small amount of child support. Two children in is care. No vehicle and no job opportunities at this time. I feel for him and his situation. But I can not handle the threats. He threatened to kill my boys father just a few weeks ago. It is very scary. I have continued contact with him because I am afraid of his abandonment issue triggering a massive rage in this direction. Meaning toward me or my family. I have been friendly and offered advice and help where appropriate. He just went from having me on a pedestal last night and wanting me to save him, to hating me this morning and threatening suicide and now my family again. The cycles are more and more frequent. I found out also that he had an altercation with the mother of his two kids on Friday. she came early and unexpected to pick them up. He asked her for a favor but she couldnt do what he asked. He raged at her and came after her. She said he was going to assualt her. She left without her children. She called his family and told them she was going to take him to court for full custody. He doesnt know she called them about the situation. They told me about it when I called them about his threat of suicide. He said she bailed on the kids and didnt follow through with the visit. In fact, he threatened her and refused to let the kids leave. He is in very bad shape. I am so nervous. I understand it is the illness. But none the less, it is heartbreaking.

[delusionalxox]

Clover he is really falling apart  how awful for him and the poor children in his care! I do hope his ex can take them soon for their own sake?

Ittookthislong I also raged and pleaded with my ex (by email/text only, and only one attempt to call on day of abortion) as you know. I also chillingly recognise the progression from putting on a pedestal and begging for salvation/forgiveness to hatred and rage and the desire for revenge. I have felt all that this week alone :-0 however I never actually called except once and I didnt' threaten suicide (although I was indeed suicidal and I suspect he knew it and didn't care that much).

I don't think that you would have been violent and manipulative as this man is clearly being.  Plus I recall your ex was cold and rude to you as clover has not been. There is a difference between an acute abandonment reaction in an unhealthy relationship and this level of pathology. But I do know what you mean because I doubt myself too all the time.

x

[clover528]

I know i too have borderline traits as others here have said, we all have our own issues that drew us to this r/s and kept us hanging on. I believed and still believe at times I may have BPD. I have a psycholwogist and therapist though who are helping me come to terms with my issues and assure me I am not disordered. That doesnt take the doubts or wanderings away for all of us who have gone a little crazy and behaved unruly in our r/s with a pwBPD. I have really done so much I am not proud of. Yelling raging begging but I think the difference for me has been that I didnt behave this way in other relationships from my past. Maybe that is the key to understanding the difference with having traits of the disorder and actually being disordered. Thats how I understand it through the aid of many articles and books and the help of my T.

Relative to what is happening, uBPDebf hasnt contacted me today. He was so scary and mean last night. I am very nervous still but I am hopeful he will not try. As it turns out, his new gf came down last night to be with them for a couple days. I think that is why he flipped from the begging and suicidal thoughts to raging and blaming and threatening me. He lies about their relationship to me. Denies she is living with him or that he has anything to do with her. I believe when he is alone in her absense is when he contacts me more and ruminates etc. I have seen the pattern arise lately as he has been traveling to work where his family is. When he has his new fix there ( as I call it), He doesnt need me. Then he has to justify his not contacting me ( in his own mind ) by painting me black and raging at me. That is my take on this. and it seems to match with common behaviors in BPD. I am going to try to have no contact. I dont know how to handle the threats when they come. But I will somehow.

[awomanlearning]

Oh boy do i know all of the above at the moment my H is also with another woman and tends to text and plead with me when shes not around after 6pm nothing sometimes a good night text and i love you which i dont reply. I dont play games with him anymore im factual dont mess with him at all he hit me once well pulled my hair and tried to choke me for about 6 seconds when i was pregnant and i charged him didnt drop them he was luck got two years suspended sentence sent to anger management so he knows i dont play games tries to play games with me though never works.

His also 3 hours away today has been a rollacoaster for him he wants to come home, but it doesnt feel like his home, he own this woman money he owes her <0---- lmao, his in college doing a course and loads more stuff all lies trying to get me to say i still love him and that i will take him back when his finished with this other woman his got a hope in hell!

Yes his also threatened suiside was in hospital 24 hour watch denies it all i just egnore im not playing this stupid game any more i refuse there is sanity in there somewhere they get better right so there is a functional part! And after the last time he straighten up then just went down again i enabled his behind but hey his an adult with two amazing kids that think the world of him and his playing games not playing them if he kills himself that isnt my responsiblity a week ago i was crying asking for help falling apart. But i had the best conversation in the world with my sister. I cof alled her in a state to which is short told me she is sitting in ICU with my brother-in-laws brother young guy mid 50 his dying of cancer they waiting for him to die and here i was crying about a man that is alive and confused brought me back to reality with a huge bump!

There are more important things in this world than us chasing a man/woman that can make the decision to live and enjoy life if they choose but they dont they swim in their stupidy knowing its destroying them that i cant understand. People are dying suffering and have nothing but here we are trying to save someone that wont help themselves when all around us is suffering why do we do this.

I love this man i really do but i cant help him what so ever im killing myself trying and my kids will suffer is it all worth it i know i was a mess weeks ago im coming to my senses may short lived but i need to be free.

[clover528]

He called again from a new number after saying I would never hear from him again for the 100th time. Different number. I have blocked about 4 numbers as off yesterday. He told me to not talk but just listen. I calmly said ok. He began telling me how he saved me from my life. In truth I was in a very bad way when he called. He did talk to me and lift me up. He said he swept me off my feet and loved me more than anyone. Then he went about telling me how he never laid a hand on me that he only fussed some but never yelled or threatened me. That he had been honest and truthful but that he was under the influence of drugs. He told me how I left for no good reason. That if he had cancer it would be no different. That he needed me and I left him and I was basically the cause and the fault of our demise. He told me i was manipulative and intimidated him. That my manipulations changed his every decision. That every time he has attempted to move on with his life, I would stop him and I would pull him back into things with promises of a future.  He said I kept him in a box on a shelf and only took him out to play with on occasion. He said he was moving on with his life and I was moving on with mine. Then goodbye.

I am aware that I played my role in this r/s. I know I made many mistakes. I know all he said to me tonight was mostly projection. He threw in just enough truth to make me question my motives for every decision i made. Which was a direct response or reaction to what he was doing or had done to me. I know I never manipulated or intimidated him. He was projecting on me and blaming me and shaming me.

He tried to push my buttons by calling me names as he spoke. It was so contradictory as he spoke. He claimed to have been some white knight but called me names as he spoke so highly of his treatment of me. He even bragged that he had never laid a hand on me. Well, kudos to him for not assaulting me. I am sure he sees that as worthy of sainthood.

At the moment, I am just hurt and angry. He sees me as getting all my life back as before but somehow so much better because I am not in the "state of depression" I was in when he first called. He said I should thank him for saving me from my life. I know better than to defend or explain. It would result in a rage that i couldnt handle after the last few days I have had. I am trying hard to not allow the guilt and shame to cover me. This is such a struggle. I am waiting for the dam to break and the tears to start falling. I have been so stressed and in shock that I havent allowed myself to feel.

If anyone could offer some advice or insight or anything, I would really appreciate it. Thanks for reading and I thank everyone here who tries to help. It is a comfort knowing I am not alone in this.

[morningagain]

Hey clover  

Wow - that was some kind of gaslighting you endured.

I have been going through similar recently with my stbxdBPDw.

Mostly what I can assure you on is confirming you in your knowledge that it was mostly projection.  The distortion of reality to make their forced perception of reality less painful to them is OH SO PAINFUL to us.  Sadly, it always catches up to them, and compounds itself.

Think of it this way - what you heard was his disorder - a frantic attempt to escape the pain of guilt and loss by recreating you as the villain.  :)isconnect from it by recognizing that what you heard was the disorder, and those little hooks and barbs of reality thrown in have no purchase in THE objective reality when tossed and twirled about in the tempest of his disorder.

I read today on another's post how he felt sadness and pity for his s/o suffering from BPD, and no longer the anger.  This happens for me more and more as I manage to detach.  I was accused of a few dozen (minor to outrageous) wrongs that my wife actually 'did' to me - and yet for a few of them I was able to almost see through her distorted lens how she could twist and force those conclusions (distorted accusations).  It really is very, very sad.

This is sad for us too, but we get the chance to heal and learn and grow.  I suspect that for me the price will always have been far too great for such knowledge, but that does not change that I can move past this wreckage into a sane and peaceful and even at times joyful life, and my beloved BPD wife likely will not.

I hate this disorder.  Though BPD has 'taught' me in many respects how to become a better, more mature man, I hate BPD.

I love my wife unconditionally.  But I will not now and never again participate in an "unconditional relationship".

[babyducks]

clover528,

I am so sorry to hear that you are experiencing this emotional storm with your EX.  I can imagine how very difficult this is to go through.

It sound as if he might be experiencing an extinction burst, and they are very painful for us as Non's to deal with.   

I would suggest that now isn't the time to figure out everything that went wrong in your r/s but to focus really concentrate on stopping the escalation, taking a time out, and not engage in the raging.

Put your safety first.   Put your own emotional well being a very close second.   

You did a great job but calmly telling him that it wouldn't be a good idea for you two  to talk and that you want and need to work on yourself.   As he has, he will push against that boundary.   Keeping the message and the actions consistent is important for both of you.   Being drawn into circular arguments where we end up JADING hurts both partners.

I would encourage you to click the safety first link, and look at page 6.

Safety First

You may never need a safety plan but having one maximizes your chances of success should things rocket farther out of control.

Take a deep breath,  take a time out.  Let your voice mail pick up all calls. 

babyducks

[Rusalka]

Clover, I am so sorry that you have to deal with this.

I would recommend the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. It is a very good book that will help you understand why you are feeling so frightened and tell you that you need to go completely NC. No answering calls, no reading emails, not even just "listening" on the phone.

He is right in that he is doing this because he can. That's why you have to block all avenues of communication. He is going through an extinction burst, escalating behavior so that you will give him attention, and even if it is bad attention it is what he is thriving off of. You are not honoring yourself when you just "listen" to him rant and threaten you.

If he threatens suicide and you feel you can't ignore it, tell him you are immediately calling the cops, hang up, and call the police in his area with his address. Don't deal with his family because they are just sweeping it under the rug and he is getting attention from both you AND them then. The best choice would be just to let it go. He is not your responsibility anymore.

Like it has been stated please plan a safety plan to be able to get somewhere safe. Make sure you don't use the same exact way home from work every day. Have a bag packed in case he calls and says he is on his way so you can leave and go somewhere else.

[lbjnltx]

Hello Clover

So very sorry to hear that you and your exbf are struggling so much right now.  The escalating behaviors and threats of harm do deserve serious consideration.  It is so very difficult to know what to do!

babyducks is correct about prioritizing.  Your safety is #1 and your BPDex's safety is also a priority.  Have you read the information on making a Safety Plan... . taken positive action for your protection?

In regards to your ex's safety, here is some valuable information that can help you make decisions about the best course of action  before a crisis arises.

Tools:  Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

lbjnltx

[clover528]

Thank you all for the replies. The advice and validation that there is hope, help and I am not alone is priceless right now.

I am working on a safety plan. I am also trying to read about traumatic bonding and extinction bursts. Some terms that were unfamiliar to me before this post.

After the last phone call I got a short email from him almost immediately, according to the time it was recieved. It was much of the same. blaming me for it all and with him saying he could never trust me again. The very words i said when I finally ended it with him. He ended the email with "never contact me again" I found that odd considering I hae only replied for months. I havent initiated contact.

I have so much to learn about myself. As i was reading about traumatic bonding, again i got chills. I can relate so well to the list of items someone in that situation would feel or do. I have definitely got some work to do. I am understanding more about my own abandonment issues. I also believe my ExpwBPD is a good representation of my mother. Its been so hard to understand my allowing abusive behavior toward and wanting so much to be with this man when he clearly is unhealthy for me.

Its beginning to make more sense as I peel the layers of myself away.

My question for everyone here who is further along in this process is, how do you nurse the wounds while grieving the loss and trying to function everyday. Honestly, I am struggling to eat and shower and just not cry at every turn. How do you handle the overwhelming feeling of being hurt by the pwBPD, losing the dreams you had, and realizing the brokeness inside yourself and the importance of healing and becoming whole again?

Thanks for any replies. I value each of you so much. This site has been such a place of hope.

[lbjnltx]

Hello Clover,

First... . a big   for you!

Second... . Lesson 1:  Healing, the big picture and The Five Stages of Detachment

[clover528]

lb

Thank you. I will start there. And thank you for the virtual hug. I am having a rough time right now. There is still life happening around me that I am dealing with in addition to this situation. Family decisions to be made, health of family members and then there are my beautiful children. My new little angel girl who is completely dependent and my other boys who very much need a healthy mother. Its a lot. I appreciate the steer in the right direction from someone who know better than I do. Im not quite out of the fog. This forum is definitely a lighthouse.

[babyducks]

Clover,

Nice to see you back with us posting.   You sound as if you have been working hard at understanding and healing.   

When a pwBPD deregulates emotionally their conversations do not appear to make rational or logical sense to us the Non.   Which is not to say they are misrepresenting their thoughts, in my experience my Ex was usually brutally honest in conveying exactly the chaos inside her head.  If it was painful to me I can't begin to imagine what it was like for her.  Must be horrible.

Put the blame and shame aside for now.    Blame and shame are part of BPD and it will take a while to sort through what your reality really was.

My question for everyone here who is further along in this process is, how do you nurse the wounds while grieving the loss and trying to function everyday. Honestly, I am struggling to eat and shower and just not cry at every turn. How do you handle the overwhelming feeling of being hurt by the pwBPD, losing the dreams you had, and realizing the brokeness inside yourself and the importance of healing and becoming whole again?

That's a great question and a great place to start.   When I split with my Ex I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't focus.  I lost about 15 pounds in 3 weeks.   Which is fairly normal, I have seen others post about the BPD breakup diet.   Sad but true.

It's back to basics time.  Simple things.   This is a grievous loss.  I have had deaths in the family that have effected me less.   Try to coax yourself to eat.   Find a way to sleep.   Find a way to replenish your soul, go to the park and watch the kids play.   Be gentle with yourself.   Don't make any huge decision for a little while.   Get a little exercise to help relieve the stress.   Distract yourself.  Go to a movie.   When your subconscious starts to quiet things will become clearer.  The FOG will start to lift.  This is treading water time for a little while.

Hang in there.  You are doing great.

babyducks 

[clover528]

Thank you babyducks.  I am trying very hard to not be hard on myself. It hasnt been easy. As i am sure others here have posted, my brokenness takes the form of being very hard on myself. I have some tools in my emotional tool box to stop the stinking thinking when I begin to beat myself up. I just have to remember to utilize them these days.

At the beginning of this relationship, I was a bit overweight. I had been depressed and isolated when my friend called me. He was like a breath of fresh air. Everything moved quickly from there. Since not living together, I have lost nearly 45 pounds and still dropping. I have such stomach problems. Had some minor issues prior but now it seems to have worsened. I am seeing a doctor as well.

I have been going out with the kids some. Getting motivated to do so is another story.  I am going for walks and recently started bike riding with the kids some. (that was an experience since it had been a while ) I try to focus on them and it does help to see the play and smile knowing they are safe.

I think the hard part is seeing him in my daughters face. Her little hands, the way she walks and holds her shoulders. little things I see that are from him. It hurts. But I am dealing as best i can. By all indications and for her good, he is not involved with her. He never even mentions her except to shame me for all I have "taken" from him. I feel horrible sometimes but try to stay in my head instead of in my heart.

Thank you again for replying. It does help so much.

[babyducks]

Clover,

I know I am just some text on a screen but you sound like you are getting it together and making the right decisions no matter how painful they are.   Give yourself lots of credit.

I do understand about seeing him in your daughters face.  And trying to stay in your head instead of your heart.  I see my Ex quite frequently and it pulls so hard at my heart strings every time I do.   

This takes time.

babyducks

[winston72]

Oh, Clover, my heart goes out to you.  It is so terribly difficult.  Please know that many, many people on this web site have suffered and struggled in very similar ways.  There was comfort for me to know that I was not alone.  And please know that it really does get better.  The suffering slows, the struggle lightens and the effort to understand, grow and change really does create a newness of life that will hold up in the future. 

Your open and inquisitive spirit will lead you to greater emotional health.  This is a great gift for your children. 

Better days ahead for you!  Lots of people on this site are pulling for you.

[clover528]

thank you baby ducks and winston and all who have replied. It is a comfort knowing I am not alone in this. I was so confused when I stumbled onto this. I had no idea what was happening until a year ago. I literally stumbled onto information on BPD. I was looking for answers for why I would allow myself to me so mentally abused. I was looking for help for myself. Then there he was in black and white, if you will pardon the pun. I was reading about the man who had swept me off my feet and literally changed my life. Now here i am seeking answers still. I appreciate everyone here. This site is so informative and encouraging. As we all know this is a difficult journey in the best of circumstances. I am trying to keep my head up and move forward. Thanks again for the advice, direction, encouragement and support. But most of all the hope that there are better days ahead.