My questions... .
Why disregard a long relationship like that?
Why say that he has no ill feeling after painting me black?
Why turn everything around onto me.Does he really think that I made myself feel like I do?That I wanted the tablets and the therapy?
Why give me limits on how I respond to things?
Why accuse my friend of gossiping then retract that allegation against her and turn it into me somehow forcing her to spy on him?
This whole thing is so twisted I am thinking it must be me... . :'(
I think it is so good and so sound that you are able to view his disordered behavior and separate his different actions and words and create valid and logical questions about it! That is very healthy because reasoning like that will help you detach from the conflicting emotions and help you keep focus on the bad things that this relationship has brought on to you... . Therefore I will try to answer them one by one to hopefully make it a bit more clear.
And boy do I recognize myself in this... . Especially from my ex NPD bf who played the whole idealize-devalue and discard thing with me over and over... . Now even though your ex bf is BPD, there are plenty of narcissistic traits in his behavior and that is really very common traits in people with BPD or really any PD that in one way or another sort of gets people stuck in an emotional development of about a five-year old... .
I mean that is really what causes all the commotion and all the pain and hurt for people around since what we get to deal with is a person that resides in a grown up body, with a grown up intelligence when it comes to intellect and skills. But with an emotional development of a five year old... . And it is very important to keep that in mind... . Especially when it is tempting to paint them up as being maliciously thought through in their actions (which could be true if it was a person with an antisocial PD, a psychopath we were dealing with... . ), but instead what we are dealing with is a kid fretting over getting caught with his hand in the cookie-jar and being punished... . It is distorted thinking of a five-year old, emotionally stuck in a grown mans body... . And he is not worried that he will get spanked like a kid in a cookie jar, but instead fearful of becoming exposed as a bad man who hurts women, someone who is flawed, and not perfect. A cornered animal if you will... . And he will fight not to lose that battle with everything he's got... . So keep that image in mind when we now go over your questions and try to see it from his perspective... .
Why disregard a long relationship like that?Now I don't know exactly the details of your relationship... . But pretty much all relationships with people with severe PD's end like this... . It is true for basically all relationships with people having NPD, they follow the pattern of idealize, devalue and discard almost robotically... . Since they objectify people and need living objects to get what they think they need to survive, which in their case is admiration, awe, excitement, validation and the list goes on... . Now borderlines are not exactly the same, since their core fear is about being abandoned... . The pure N core fear is being unlovable... . (hence the more N there is in the PD the more hatred there can be in a separation face... . The N's hate love and finds it fake, since love or lack thereof from parents have rendered them to believe they are virtually unlovable, and therefore love is an evil thing... . ). The BPD on the other hand fears abandonment an being left all alone above all so they will often try to cling on for dear life... . But life has also taught them that most people do eventually leave them, and the more intimate they have been, the more it hurts... . Therefore they ad on a little N traits for protection and then they start engaging in what is commonly described as push and pull... .
That is to say if put it bluntly: I hate you - please don't leave me... .
And based on some of the actions you describe in your post and based also on one of you other q's here... . This is exactly what your ex bf is doing to you now... . He is actually not yet engaging in full discard, but instead pushing you away, but at the same time testing if he could reel you back in somehow, by offering to be friends... .
Now I beg you not to respond to that, since it would only be a one way ticket to more despair for you! But should you do that, it wouldn't be long until he tried to get the relationship going again... .
The part where he takes away all your pictures and highlighting pictures of old ex wife... . (whom I bet he hasn't always talked about in such fond ways while you were together... . am I right? ) That is all about trying to defend himself from being portrayed by others like the bad boyfriend... . Five year old kids do this all the time... . You enter a room full of them and someone has unlawfullly taken a piece of a pie... . And you ask who's done it, and they will all start pointing at each other... . Even the one with cream all over his face... . That is the mechanism behind these actions. While you were together, ex wife was monster... . Now you are and she is suddenly all white again... . Black and white thinking on an emotional level of a five-year-old... .
Why say that he has no ill feeling after painting me black?This is about the I hate you - don't leave me pattern of behavior that can be found in every person suffering from BPD. He just can't handle being abandoned... . And he dreads you exercising NC with him. He is also terrified of being on somebodies "___-list" just like a small child thinks it is horribly uncomfortable when mummy or daddy is angry with them... . So it is a conflicted situation for him... . He on one hand hates you for making him feel the way a child feels when mummy is angry... . But on the other hand terrified of you actually disappearing from his life... .
Now my current bf does this all the time... . He himself creates these obstacles that potentially will hinder our relationship from moving forward, (usually about the three hour drivning distance between us... . yawn... . ), and then threaten me that he will start dating others who live closer to him, (which he never actually does... . )... . And all this to see if he will be able to push me away... . And then if I actually try to call his cards, he then at first tries to play all indifferent on me and say: well have a nice life then... . I won't be contacting you again... . ever!
And then the usual slander of me being a coward who stays silent and won't call him to talk about this, (that is about him who is giving such a great performance)... . and then after a while, sometimes an hour later sometimes a whole day later comes the turning point... . A text saying: Miss U... .
Do you see the pattern?
Your bf is not saying the words "miss U" but the I want to be friends part is all about that... . Not wanting to talk about the relationship is all about wanting to control the agenda, so you won't get a chance to tell him his shortcomings as a boyfriend, which is what he frets the most... . Instead he would like to meet as friends and then charm the pants off of you, and thus make you forget about telling him about his shortcomings... . Just the way five-year olds do when reconciled with their parent, they often do some extra song and dances to really show their parents how lovable and good they are!
Why turn everything around onto me.Does he really think that I made myself feel like I do?That I wanted the tablets and the therapy?Projection is one of mankind's strongest defense mechanisms... . That is: I know I need therapy but that is shameful, so I will put it on you instead, so you get the shame, and not me... . It is a very common narcissistic trait. The narcissist who doesn't really have a very strong sense of self and usually mirrors others can also deflect things from themselves, like flaws, onto others... . For a narcissist to be in need of therapy... . That's rich... .
Also projection is an effective manipulator... . Especially if the target is not so sure of him or herself, or just humble... .
I mean projection does right now work on you because you are for the moment a bit down and hurt by all the things this boy has put you through, so your defenses are a bit thinner than usual. And unfortunately beating on the one already lying down can very often be found in what... . ? Well five-year old children! That's why ther always have to be adults around on the playground... . So in answer to you question; No he doesn't think you need therapy, but he sort of thinks that you probably think that he needs it and that sounds uncomfortable and feels shameful to him... . Therefore throw it back to you... . (even though you haven't thrown him anything... . it is all in his head... . ).
Now the more N traits there are, there can however also be a matter of distorted thought pattern due to the complete lack of understanding empathy in the narcissist. Together with suppressed feelings... . N's hardly feel at all... . they display feeling behaviors to get certain results from others, and when they think it is expected of them to act in a certain way... . Now I do not think that is the case here at all, I am only mentioning it to show you a difference... . The N could namely be thinking exactly that you made you feel like this... . This since they don't understand the impact of feelings and finds people weak who are affected by them... . A true N never accepts blame either... . So they can never make anyone feel anything bad... . So if you feel bad, it is your own fault, because you are weak... .
A BPD usually instead fears hurting others and will try to deflect the suspicions of him or her being the culprit by blaming someone else... . like a five year old... . Inside though, there can be plenty of self-blaming going on in the BPD.
Why give me limits on how I respond to things?To try and maintain control over a situation that is becoming insecure for the BPD. He frets your criticism and fears your imminent abandoning him... .
But if he can, just like a five year old child making up rules for what is allowed and not in playing with the barbie dolls or how rules in a game shall be interpreted or what voice to use when reading Winnie the Pooh... . He tries to set up the rules here for your eventual interaction... . So he can control that you won't say or do things that triggers his anxiety and fears... .
Every time you write something heartfelt that also contains some (well deserved) criticism he will experience emotional turmoil inside... . An he is trying to avoid that.
Why accuse my friend of gossiping then retract that allegation against her and turn it into me somehow forcing her to spy on him?Because with the emotional mind of a five year old, he hates a gossip... . Since gossips can potentially caus you harm, since gossip spreads like a wild fire... . And that threatens to expose him... . (as the bad bf, making him lonely for eternity... . again five year old thinking... . ).
An unknown gossip is even worse... . Don't you remember from childhood the deep pain in your stomach if someone had said something about you that you thought was a lie, or exposed something you felt shameful for... . and you start looking around thinking everybody knows... . That is exactly the driving force behind this behavior... . he needs to know to neutralize the worry and pain in his stomach and to, if possible silence the gossip... .
This whole thing is so twisted I am thinking it must be me... . :'(I hope reading the answers to your well thought out questions will show you that this is not at all about you, but all about him... . Just as most of your relationship has been all about him... . It is time for you now to actually allow things to be all about you for a while! Since going through this i exhausting to say the least! And you deserve to be with a man who is at least a little bit older than five... . don't you think... . ?
(Even though the strength of the love coming from a five-year old is one of the strongest there is... . But it also comes with a very high price... . )
I wish you all the strength and above all peace of mind on your continued journey liberating yourself from this dysfunctional relationship. I mean it is possible to have a relationship with a person suffering from BPD, but not really when the symptoms of it are this severe, when N traits are present and when it demounts your self esteem and your self worth. And above all when the person is not receiving any help or treatment... . Then it is better to get out. For everybody's sake.
scout99
