Please help me decide how to handle a situation

[Kevinmac]

Yesterday I went to a great deal of trouble to arrange getting dental work for my uBPDgf on a semi-emergency basis due to great pain over the weekend. I worked out a payment plan, got her worked into my dentist's schedule, and found the money to make the down payment for her since she did not have the money.  I took a half day of vacation to accompany her to the dentist.

Then an unfortunate thing happened. The dentist was behind. His staff left my GF alone in the exam room for nearly an hour. This happens, and it irritates all of us, but my GF could not take the stress and demanded to leave.

It was very embarrassing for me as I got her the appointment and the payment plan by emphasizing how much pain she was in.  A rational person would have stayed, but she did not.

I am torn now. Part of me wants to just kick the problem back to her. She is an adult. It is her mouth, her health, her pain. She can go find a dentist and figure out payment arrangements.

The other part of me thinks she is a 10 year old in an adult body in these situations and I should cut her some slack and continue to help her, maybe in a more limited way.

I love this woman. I am not objective as a result. Please tell me your thoughts and advice.

Kevin

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[Reg]

Kevin,

From what I've experienced, we care too much for them.  I know the feeling, in moments they look so helpless, and due to what's happening in your lives you become more and more concerned.  In my case it was even more difficult as I didn't know she was suffering from borderline.  You know it.

They seem to be addicted to attention, and she didn't get that at the dentist the way she wanted I think.

And a 10 year old is sometimes still a compliment I fear... .

My borderline was the love of my life, we have both experienced some of the best moments of our life together, but also the very worst.

Personally I have only one advice, if she's not yet in therapy, get her to do it, ask help how to do it.  If she doesn't want to I can give you no better example then this one : what would you do if she was an alcoholic refusing to get help ?  Is it of any use in that case to try someone to convince them about their problem when they are convinced they have no problem ?

If you want to continue, don't let her cut you off from your friends, or try to, set limits, she won't accept them, but do set them !  :)on't get angered and frustrated, just say that you're angry and why, don't shout, it doesn't help at all... .  I've experienced it and it turned even worse.  The mistake is not hers, she'll make the mistake yours... .

And for your own sake, seek help yourself, a therapist, good friends, it doens't matter, but don't try to do this on your own as I have largely done.

Good luck, I hope this helps a little bit, I know what you're going through.

[briefcase]

 

Hi Kevin,

At this point, I think the next time she says her teeth hurt, a good response would include some validation "Sounds painful, sorry you are hurting" followed by putting this squarely on her shoulders to solve - "What are you going to do?"

If she asks for help, you can help or not as your conscience dictates.  As you consider what level of assistance to provide her, keep in mind that overall you are not really helping her by solving her problems.  She needs to learn how to take care of herself at some level (and despite the waif-like traits, she is capable).  So, maybe you could make the downpayment available, but let her find the dentist and schedule the appointment and get herself there (or whatever you think is right).

In the long run, its better for her and you if you don't take care of everything for her.

Take a look at our Lessons, there is a link on the right side of this page, I think you'll find some good stuff.

[coasterhusband]

I am torn now. Part of me wants to just kick the problem back to her. She is an adult. It is her mouth, her health, her pain. She can go find a dentist and figure out payment arrangements.

Yep. Bingo. I think @briefcase's suggestion was a good one:

"Sounds painful, sorry you are hurting" followed by putting this squarely on her shoulders to solve - "What are you going to do?"

The hardest thing in the world for us on the non-BPD side is letting go. I still struggle with this, to be clear, but I can see when I don't cater, draw boundaries, and let her freak out without me playing into it, things improve. It feels insanely counterintuitive, but this whole BPD is insanely counterintuitive

If you say @briefcase's point though, STICK TO YOUR GUNS. When she starts yelling at you about how you don't care, or whatever, calmly tell her that if she'd like to talk about options together that you would love to talk through them with her, but that if she talks to you like this any more, you'll have to leave/remove yourself/etc.  Easier said than done, but there it is

[Kevinmac]

Thanks!  What are "waif-like" traits?

Kevin

[Kevinmac]

I guess that must have been too stupid a question to reply to.  :-)  I searched and found the answer, was an interesting page.

Your advice is very helpful, and I plan to use it in more than one situation.

My BPD is probably in the upper middle range of function (at least from what I read here), many of you seem to have some very difficult challenges that I have not seen (yet). 

And while she does have WAIF in her, there is never any doubt that she is capable of surviving without me.  Survivor may be her top quality.

So I end up helping her not to save her, but just because, like every different friend, I have access to some things she does not, I have more money than she does, etc.  In other words, I do it because I enjoy it, not because I think I have to in order to keep her alive or healthy.

But when her illness takes over, and she screws up, I was at a loss as to how to handle not becoming a doormat, not becoming someone who is repeatedly taken advantage of.  Your advice will help me do that.

You know, I had been thinking I needed to go see a therapist just to advise me on things like this, but maybe this board can help me in that way.

One of the posters suggested that I get her into therapy, but how in the world do I do that?  If it is not her idea, my understanding is that it is not effective.  And my BPD has both the usual BPD reaction  to any hint that there might be something that needs fixing about her (not a good reaction), plus she has DID and schizophrenia and is justifiably worried about being committed or losing custody of her daughter.  So I am really unsure as to how I would persuade her to get involved in therapy.  If there is a thread here on this subject that you would recommend, I would appreciate a pointer, I will search too.

I need to get her to therapy for sure, as her daughter is currently 10 years old.  When she starts changing from submissive mommy’s girl to a typical teenager, I suspect the fireworks are going to be huge and frequent…  I think my BPD needs to learn how to deal with a teenager from the point of view of her disorder.  The child should get therapy too, but that is difficult for the same reasons, to an even greater extent.  Her mother would find any suggestion that she is other than the perfect mother to be intolerable.  She is way trying to overcompensate for her bad upbringing by being the perfect parent to her child.  Obviously she is not actually perfect, very far from it.  But perfect is how she sees herself, and what she strives mightily for.

Kevin