Stealing=Gaslighting

[scuba02]

This is something i've been thinking about since the split from my BPDex... . About a month before we split I caught her in such and incident... . I had gone to the mall and bought and iphone5 car charger... . When we arrived home and argument broke out (as usual) and she left... . Later that day, strange my new charger is missing... . When we talked the next day I asked her and she said "did you try and call the store to see if you left it"? All my search efforts ended up nowhere... . About a week later i'm over her place and with cold feet go to grab a pair of socks... . Low and behold my new cell charger still in the package (note she doesn't even have an iphone)... . When I call her on it she says " it must have fallen in my backpack the day we got in an argument" then "I found it the other day when i was cleaning up" (it was with a ball cap she had taken back at the same time) so i believed it... .

What was her intention on stealing something a) of no use to her and b) so small and trivial? Was she going to gift it to her new mate who has an iPhone? Was it just gaslighting... . If i hadn't found it i'm sure i would have never seen it again... . She did steal my iphone on her last trip out the door two weeks ago... . that i chalk up to wanting my facebook and email... .

The other thing I found of mine, while at her place, was a stack of playboy magazines (the ones I wasn't supposed to look at) in her cloths hamper... . I can't be because she didn't want me to look at then because she only took some not the whole stack... .

Any thoughts or has anyone else experienced this? It never happened that I know of until the very end of our r/s... . Still trying to piece this puzzle together 

[tigertiger]

Hi Scuba02,

Personally, I found the best way to come to terms with this kind of stuff was to just look at it like crazy people doing crazy stuff.

My ex used to do all kinds of things like this and the explanations just sort of quite fitted but the instincts told me it felt all wrong. I spent a long time replaying this that and the other and it was useful to a point, but in the end I concluded that I was trying to transpose logic onto nonsense, it doesn't work. The healthy thing for me moving forward, is just to call this sort of crap out when I see it and the people who do it, stop trying to do it to me because they know I know which is much too risky for them. They don't change though... . which is ok... . they just go bother somebody else with their nonsense and that seems to work just fine for all concerned I think 

[Sparky2Blame?]

In a previous episode, my ex had left a lot of items at my house.  After 6 or so month after her and her kids moved out, I boxed everything up and moved it all into my storage shed outside.  Then a few month later, when she finally decided to collect her things, I left that door unlocked (while I was away for an evening).  She was having a garage sale that weekend and wanted to sort through the stuff that she had left.  Along with her stuff being gone,  some of my things from the shed were missing as well.  The first thing I noticed was a propane heater that she had given me for x-mas the year before.

My shed is hidden behind the house. And I live in a pretty small/quiet crime-free town.

I had been in and out of the shed the day before and know it was there because I moved it to get at some other items.  And I placed it on a shelf near her things.  When I questioned her on about it, she responded that she didn't take any of my ___.  And that it wasn't there when she was in and out.  Suggesting that perhaps someone broke in a took it before she showed up that night.  I questioned her why non of her valuables would have been taken at the same time.

Later on, I found a few other random items missing, which I'm sure disappeared at the same time.

Why would they do that?  I don't know. To see if they can? A thrill? Or maybe some form of warped justice, I guess?  Definitely weird stuff.  Before that I never noticed anything else taken/missing, either.

[bpdspell]

I wouldn't read too much into them taking our things.

Yes they can take our things or leave things at our house as a way of staying connected to us... . kinda like leaving a wedge to keep the door partially open.

My ex took personal items of mine without my knowledge as he courted and tested out his new supply. Sure enough... . when his trial runs went sour he offers to bring my things back... . wants to talk things over... . misses me... . yadda yadda yadda... .

They'll do anything for you not to seal the door shut for good. Even as they've devalued us and painted us black.

it's all child games to keep connected to you... . but it's up to us to cut the cord for good.

Why do they do the things they do? Cause they're mentally ill. You won't always know every reason why they do what they do so it's best to focus on the fact that they look normal on the outside but on the inside they're horribly troubled.

Spell

[motherof1yearold]

I love this post!

I am already separated from my ex, but I experienced MAJOR stealing gaslighting.

The day he moved out, our baby was playing on the floor. I took off my wedding bands (thousands of dollars, that I paid for!) and let her play with them. He picked them off of the floor , put them on his finger , and would not give them back. Now claims I 'lost them'.

Stole my 400 dollar gaming console. It was pure malice because I had bought him the same thing! Not to mention mine was pink. Later claimed ' I lost it' - not possible.

I think BPDers will steal or break any little thing , as long as it means or is of use to YOU. not them. I'ts vengeful.

I can't tell you how many times my ex would break the tiniest thing , just because it meant something to me. When we split he  also stole all of my medical records (diabetes, infections, etc.) I know he did it just to inconvenience me. He has no use or right to those records.

I can't tell you how many instances that he has stole things just to hurt me. It's a control thing. He even stole all of my underwear (not sexy stuff, literally granny panties ) This is the ONE THING he has recently admitted to! He admitted to taking my entire drawer of undies and swimsuits.

Well, I really could go on and on. But there are different reasons and motives for what they do.

In your case, she just got a slight control advantage over disadvantaging you. At the same time, she may get double satisfaction to giving it to somebody else.

[Cumulus]

In many definitions of BPD stealing is mentioned. My xBPDh stole. The reasons as I see them:

- poor impulse control

- feeling deserving

- feeling the person he stole from undeserving

- made him feel superior to those he stole from

- a game, to see how he could outwit others

- a method of gas lighting, to create confusion in those around him

- ultimately to get caught so he could be punished.

It is a manifestation of the illness. No excuses, he knew it was wrong, he didn't care.

[motherof1yearold]

In many definitions of BPD stealing is mentioned. My xBPDh stole. The reasons as I see them:

- poor impulse control

- feeling deserving

- feeling the person he stole from undeserving

- made him feel superior to those he stole from

- a game, to see how he could outwit others

- a method of gas lighting, to create confusion in those around him

- ultimately to get caught so he could be punished.

It is a manifestation of the illness. No excuses, he knew it was wrong, he didn't care.

Couldn't have said it better!

[Lady31]

motherof1 & cumulus - both are more on target here I think.

She isn't going to take some of your playboys or something right in the middle of an argument to "remember you by" or feel more connected to you.

The playboys were something that in order for you to call her on it, you would have to admit you were looking for them/at them!  It is a method of control bc you will notice them missing and know more likely than not she is the culprit to send a message to you.  It is also a punishment thing.  She's pissed off at you and pissed that you are looking at them, so she just takes them away from you.

The phone charger - punishment for sure! She's pissed at you, and then doing things to hurt you, and she thinks you are the bad guy and she is ENTITLED to do this to you and you DESERVE it.  It is also a form of mind manipulation hence the "did you check the store?" knowing all the while she had it.  Someone who does these types of things, while this is on a small scale. is scary.  This is supposed to be someone who loves you.  UMMM - NO!  motherof1 also correct I think in stating that it would give her a double gratification to give it to someone else.  People who get a positive relief or feeling from doing these things are capable of some very despicable behavior.

[causticdork]

Mine stole some weird things as well... . I always saw it more as a lack of respect for boundaries than anything else.  It wasn't vindictive stealing, and the couple of times I pointed out that something she had was mine she would apologize and give it back like it was no big deal.  BPDers have serious issues with boundaries, and I think helping herself to my personal belongings was just a part of that boundary busting for my ex.  I think the lack of impulse control had a lot to do with it too.