A clear signal afterwards...

[Reg]

Hi,

Looking back by reading so many stories, it made me realise something, again 

I met my ex at work, where she had been performing close to perfection.  Told the story somewhere else already on this board, and even when she got more responsability she still did.  She was very popular with the whole team.

I was not showing a lot of emotion at work, I had a tough job, leading several shops sometimes on the same moment, shops that were not at the standard level of our group, shops where things most of the time were even catastrophic in several ways, non functioning team members, chaos in the shop in all ways possible.

People did get two or three chances, after very clear talks from both sides, and if they were not adjusting their mentality I just had to stop their contract with us.

It seems I looked rather hard at the outside.

My ex told me a few times that this was the side that she had liked originally as she needed someone who was able to keep her in hand.  A clear signal afterwards what she was looking for, someone who would understand her completely... .

Anyone else got similar signals on that matter ?

Reg

[Trick1004]

Reg,

I think my experience is somewhat similar. My ex had been living next door to me for about six months before I said anything to her. I was at a graduate school in a town I hated and I had tunnel vision on graduating and leaving that place. I had about a month left until I graduated and about a month before graduation got home from the bars drunk around the same time she did and we ended up hanging out the rest of the night.

I was fine with it, no big deal. However, as we kept hanging out, she would tell me how big of a jerk she thought I was for never saying anything to her, but once she started to get to know me really respected what I was doing.

Yup, she started reeling me in. Even after a couple of months she would be drunk and start lashing out at me. I would just walk away and leave to my apartment or tell her to go back to hers (it wasn't far). Always the next day the apologies would come with how much she respected me walking away when she was acting out (the idealization stage started kicking in).

Long story short, I ended up living in that town for two more years and she eventually moved in. Once she moved in it was impossible to walk away from her when she started lashing out. By that time I was stuck in her world and the r/s lasted another two years.   

[bpdspell]

My ex told me a few times that this was the side that she had liked originally as she needed someone who was able to keep her in hand.  A clear signal afterwards what she was looking for, someone who would understand her completely... .

Anyone else got similar signals on that matter ?

Reg

You don't have to be BPD for a woman or man to be attracted to leadership or authority. It's attractive when someone respects themselves and/or has confidence and our BPD's are no different from others who are attracted to those qualities.

But many BPD's seek caretakers and parent replacements so being attracted to your "bossness" isn't surprising at all. Women in general are attracted to providers and protecters cause it's hard wired in our DNA. But I do believe that many BPD's see qualities in us that we don't even see in ourselves.

I run my own online business and I'm pretty independent. I wear many hats and I'm pretty thorough and responsible. But my self-worth has always been amazingly low and my BPD ex was able to see through my props and stroke my ego by bulldozing boundaries that most people wouldn't dare cross.

And that's the hook.  Being put on a pedestal, being ego stroked, being admired, being overvalued = idealization.

It's all very seducing and hypnotizing... . until it isn't.

In his disordered mind I had it all together and that meant I could better serve his needs in the long run.

Spell

[Reg]

Trick and Spell

Thanks for reacting on this !

My self worth has never been really low, as I already mentioned somewhere, I'm usually very realistic, with both feet on the ground, I know what I can and what I can't.  But in my job, never tell me that I can not realise something because it is impossible, because I did 

I'm not having big ideas on myself either, I just know my own limitations and possibilities.  Do I have values, yes, probably due to a partially military past and Remembrance work. 

Still I was to loose all of my values if I had let her continue, and my life was to become a lie.

Am I in a way a caretaker, yes so it seems and is, I realise that now.

The most funny and stupid thing was that I recognised all of the behaviors of a borderline, as they come over to us nons.

The lies, the mind games, the black and white, not knowing who she was, the chameleon or parotting as I name it, the influence by others in general, not knowing what love really was all about, her fears, etc.

I never did really completely idealise her, but she did that with me, I tried to raise her self confidence in many ways, but I do see afterwards I was acting as the knight in armour who wanted to safe her from the behaviour of an egocentric abusive b.astard of a husband, so yes I do have a caretaker side, more then I realised before.  Out of love.  Maybe my biggest mistake was to be so happy that I finally fell in love again with someone after so many years, but for the wrong reasons, and due to circumstances and my enthusiasm I was blinded.

It's good to be able to see again ! Isn't it !

Reg

[Trick1004]

Reg,

Yes! It certainly is.

I've always considered myself pretty strong. I have a fairly large group of friends that I've known for years. Friends we are able to be honest among ourselves to tell each other "you're fing up" during the down times we've all had, without any judgement or feeling like we are burning bridges by telling each other that.

My ex was always put off by this, she couldn't understand the level of trust and honesty I have towards people I truly consider my friends. She did her best to avoid them and was always worried they didn't like her. They liked her just fine but they never got to see how she treated me and if they did they would have been brutally honest with me, like I have done for them in the past.

I chalk a lot of the relationship to her catching me at just the right time. Her close proximity to me, me just graduating in 2009 not able to find a job and me not having a support network in the town outside of school. It was one of the weakest points I've been in during my adult life and she was right there to reel me in.

Maybe that's why I feel it has been relatively easy for me to move on, I was pretty happy prior to meeting her and am getting happier everyday since this r/s ended.