How to move on when they won't let you

[MarkMo]

Hi, everyone. I have posted a few things on here. Right now, I have been trying to move on. By move on, I mean that I am trying to take things day by day because if I don't, I think too much about what is going on. My soon to be exBPD wife, undiagnosed but fits the bill every way possible, moved out and is now living with a man who is over twice her age. She left me and the 3 kids.

I will not go into the whole story but its just really hard because I love her so much even though she is intentionally trying to hurt me in the divorce. She is lying her face off to her bf and he thinks I am a complete ass because of everything that she has told him.

Everyday there is something else that she does that she knows will hurt me from downloading songs that are about kissing her butt to changing her address on certain things to downloading pictures that she know will hurt me. I know its easy to fix the problem but she has managed to do things that I will not see also. Im at the point where I am going through enough because of her sudden hatred of me and feeling for her new man, that it is just that much tougher to realize that she is purposely try to hurt me.

I know that people will say that things will won't last with this new guy but she is very very good and if you don't know that there are people out there that can lie like she can, they its almost like you say, "there is no way she can be lying about this, this has to be the truth". I know that's what her new guy is saying to himself just that.

This is just going to be a tough divorce, emotionally and just tough dealing with her different things. It seems like every day she does something to purposely upset me. Has anyone else gone through this episode of hatred. I mean with us having 3 kids and a custody battle, this can just go on forever.

[empower-me]

Yes MarkMo,

This is all part of their ammo and how they live with themselves.

The first thing that you really want to focus on is "NOT" allowing yourself to get sucked into the games.

Via, looking at the facebook or however you are engaging in the information she is sharing.  You have control over this for the most part and until you draw a line in the proverbial sand, she is still controlling you and affecting the kids as well.

Not good.

So understandably this is very horrible and so painful for a mother/wife to do this to her family but this is a very unloving illness that takes no prisoners.

ONly dead people on the ground left in the end.   So for starters you have to remember what you are dealing with.  A very disturbed person.

The focus as hard as it is has got to be on the kids and keeping your head together and out of the FOG and games she is creating to keep you enmeshed and messed up.

So don't allow her to do this to you at this point.  Take your life back and set some boundaries with what you will /will not allow from her and help her see you are taking charge in your life.  They only get worse until you do.

Then you can at least start to feel like you can have some self respect and some peace of mind as you work to get your life back on track and for the children too.

It is so commonplace what she is doing friend... . I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

Please read all the books you can on what your dealing with to help you get this for what it really is.  It isn't about YOU per'se... . it is about their unresolved anger/issues way before you came into the picture. When you can make that distinction and not feel all her pain, it gets so much easier to understand and deal with.

Have you read 'splitting'? or boomarang love"?  Keep the faith, you'll get through this but knowledge in this respect is serious power... .  

e-m

[MarkMo]

empower-me,

    Thank you for your reply. I guess it is just hard because I really do truly love her. To be tossed aside like I am a piece of trash is tough. I know I will never truly understand her sickness and should not ask why but I don't understand how her current life is more attractive than what she had with her family.

     I know I did many things wrong over the life of our marriage but small things turned into her doing major things. The lies are insane. I have learned that she has been telling everyone for years that I am an abuser on all levels. Most have never even met me. Its just tough because I know that the amount of guys willing to help her with her condition are few and far between, if Any besides me.

     I don't bother with facebook anymore because she is just too hurtful. She finds other ways of doing things that I cannot control though. Its hard because I know that she actually does have a lot of feelings for me but is denying them to hold on to her current situation. She said and did things that I know were genuine but then and up asks for a divorce. She is so amerced in this life that she doesn't care if she hurts me every day.

     This situation just stinks and I can't wait for it to be over whatever way it turns out.

[empower-me]

Hi MarkMo,

I am very sorry that you are in such pain.  I feel it over the board in your words and it truly saddens me that you are feeling so powerless over her betrayal and how things have turned out.

But you must remember this.  She isn't in control of herself at this point and is really the powerless one.  You having the insight into this as little as you may think you know, is so much more than she has right now.

This is so personal for you and rightfully so, but It really goes so much beyond trying to hurt you or what looks better than what she had.  She didn't want to throw you away like trash Mark, It was a survival mechanism that triggered her reaction.

Remember that they constantly react to feeling they have each day, each moment really and until they seek help for the disorder, they will constantly be in the throws of this illness and take everyone in their circle with them down in the pits of hell and confusion.

No, you won't completely understand her illness but you can understand it enough to separate yourself from the pain of it all.

Once you can truly keep the illness separate from what is really happening with your part in all of this, you will understand that no matter what you did or could of done or do in the future, this will play out regardless.

Until we set very health boundaries for ourselves and for them, they never have a reason to stop and question their behavior.

You are unhealthy in this connection you have to her and worried about her and the decisions she's making. It's a normal thing to feel Mark, I feel it too to a certain degree but when the stuff hits the fan, they will only try to save themselves and will smear us in the process every time.

The only way they can live with themselves is to keep putting us in a horrible light and convince everyone around them how aweful we are so they don't feel the brokenness or the evil person they think they are and will never get rid of.

They live in constant denial and a reality only they can understand and we spend way too much time trying to make sense of it.

Do yourself a HUGE favor MarkMo and just let your mind rest for a bit... .   Pray for some solice and find some things that will bring YOU and your children some pleasure and take a vacation from her madness.

Little by little you will gain your footing again and see this for what is really is.  There is no making sense out of it and as reasoning people, we keep trying to do that and we just waste so much time in the process.

ENjoy your Sunday and don't forget to take that Mental break friend... .  

[MarkMo]

empower-me

    Thank you very much for your kind words. I am trying to be patient and just deal with whatever she throws at me. I know there is nothing I can do to even crack into her mind. I sort of know why she is doing all this and it almost makes it worse. I have done research and see what phase of the relationship she is in in a BPD relationship, so I know where her bf is too.

     I know that I cannot force her to do anything. All I can hope is that one day she comes around. I have already forgiven her for all of this and will continue to do so. I know none of this makes sense and I sound like I am broken. Well I am a little but I don't really know how to communicate the way that I feel and what I know what was supposed to be. Trust me I know how pathetic and how damaging this all sounds.

    I can only have hope but in the meantime I understand how I have to be for my children and myself and what I will have to do to defend myself from her daily attacks.

[empower-me]

You know Mark,

You aren't any more broken than the rest of us.  I hope I didn't make it sound like you are a lost soul or anything. You are doing the best you can and I get that. Boy do I get that.

I thought about my reply to you after I wrote it and I wanted to add that we too are also stuck in our own way of viewing reality in our minds or what we want to see in our reality, what we choose to feel about things and how difficult it is to get beyond the depths of our own limited view at times.

I'm struggling with this right now myself and he moved out in February.

I would love to be in a marriage and feel the closeness that couples have when there is a healthy connection and I know he too loves me as much as he basically can and I also love him but when we are together we are like toxic to each other.

I have become so withdrawn when him and I are together. I'm struggling right now to find myself also and just figure out how to keep myself in a peaceful, productive state.

I don't know what the future holds for this r/s of mine that I have been in for almost 30 yrs but I can't just put my life on hold waiting anymore.

Waiting for him to finally take some responsibility and stick to it.

The only way either one of us Mark, has a chance at a happy existence with them is for them to get in a healthier place and put forth continual effort to stay somewhat stable right?  If not, then this is all there is.

I want to believe we are stronger than that and love ourselves more than that.

We can love them but at what cost? We have to love ourselves more.

I wonder why it makes you feel worse as you learn about the disorder?  Just due to the probable outcome?

I know that anything is possible but we have to prepare for the probable ya no what I mean?

It's very painfully sad and I would LOVE things to be different as well but they are who they are and we have become so messed up in the thick of this illness that we can barely see our way clear long enough to even picture our lives in a normal healthy state.

I know if we just give ourselves more time and learn to love the relative peace we can experience in our lives, little by little we will learn to appreciate that despite the longing for the r/s or the love that was not to be.

Please stay strong and know you are NOT alone in the pain you are working through and are far from broken.  We may be damaged from this but we'll come out of it much more stronger and resilent in the end.

I want to believe that anyway.    e-m 

[MarkMo]

e-m,

   Thank you again. I know it is very difficult and I am sorry that you are going through the same things. I have never had to take any type of medication before and I have never not felt in control but I am going to the Dr today to get something because I am waking up every night and having trouble eating properly. That will help with my daily life I am sure.

   

    I guess it is more difficult as I learn more about BPD because of the choices she is making. Its difficult because I now know she is starting the new BPD relationship process with someone else. Which means deep feelings of 'love' for this person which in turn will make her hate me more.

    I know that the only way to have a semi-healthy relationship is for her to get the help that she needs and for us to move on from there. There is no chance for a healthy relationship without help.

   

     I will not try to get all Churchy but this just all seems wrong and not how it is supposed to be. This is off track from the plan and I feel like she needs help getting back on track. However, because of what she is doing to me right now, I know there is nothing I can say or do that will make her want to come back to me. She may just see it as another form of Harassment.

     All I want is a normal healthy relationship and to move on. Its also tough because I know that she 'thinks' she is in a healthy and happy relationship. It might even end up in marriage or children if he doesn't understand the truth soon. I know that BPD has a cycle but so does she. She is 24 and he is 49 and this is just so difficult for me to accept.

      I am at home with all of the responsibility and she gets to do what she wants all day long. There are just so many things that are involved other than me just getting over it, in order for me to move on.

[babyducks]

MarkMo,

It takes a while to recover from the end of a BPD relationship.   The cycle of push/pull creates a dynamic that is very tough to break.  I went through a long period of not eating and not sleeping.   It did finally pass.

Remember, NOBODY can take your self respect away from you. If someone tries to cut you down, you can compare that person's words with what you have accomplished and the standards of behavior that you attempt to attain. If their words don't fit the facts that erodes their credibility, not yours. Our own actions create the strength to believe in ourselves and to dismiss the attacks of others.

Self respect and our sense of ourselves

babyducks

[MarkMo]

Babyducks,

    Thank you for that. I know her words aren't true and what she says isn't really what hurts. What hurts is that the woman that I truly love is actually doing things to hurt me. That is the toughest part.

    It's hard to explain. It's almost like my understanding of her has grown more in the past 2 months than it had in the previous 5 years. It's harder because I know that the normal part of the relationship would be so much better because I am back to who I used to be before she left.

     I'm scared that the divorce will truly make her hate me because of how I may have to defend myself from her lies. I also know that she is depressed a lot and I know she knows what she is doing. So, I'm also scared that if things do end that she will think that there is no way I could love her.

     It's just tough. I know that only time will tell and it is out of my hands. All I can do is hope. The hardest part is that she has moved on and away from the people that truly love her. Some days are good and some are bad. She always seems to do something though. It's just tough.

     

[empower-me]

MarkMo,

You are correct, she has left the people who 'truly' love her and she may or may not open her eyes to this in time.

In the meantime you are doing all you can to take care of your situation and hope is always a good thing.  We can hope and be somewhat realistic at the same time.

Also please try to remember that she isn't trying to deliberately 'hurt you' MarkMo, she is lost and scared and running from her guilt and pain and this is how they do it.

There may come a time where she will wake up and reach out to you and you'll have your opportunity to connect with her but in the meantime, your strong boundaries and self respect that you are striving to live by will send strong words to her that will speak in volumes and this is what she needs to hear right now.  Subliminal messages of "this is not ok any longer... .   You need to take responsibility for your actions at this point"  And in time she will see you are not to door mat she once viewed you as and it actually makes them appreciate you in the longrun... . And I do mean long run... .

So hang in there buddy and keep the faith, for yourself and yours if nothing else... .

[MarkMo]

Em,

   Thanks again. It is hard because of everything that is going on and I am hoping that the next few weeks will show her that I was serious and she will notice the things that she loved before if she did actually love.

    I know its a defense mechanism but it doesn't make it any easier when she acts as though she hates me. I have to go to court tomorrow because she has filed for an emerging custody hearing because she is claiming that I am a child abuser. I want to get her BPD out in court and more importantly let her bf know that there is something wrong. She is arranging everything in such a way where he is never near court so that he never finds out the truth. S

    It hurts because she is protecting her unstable life from the truth when she could have a life with me where I know what the problem is and I am willing to work with it on it and love her forever.

   In the meantime, I will have to work on things. I am embarrassed by how I just spoke to my mother. She has her own issues and likes to control me. Between the two of them, I just can't deal .

   

   I just want her to see whats going on and that I am for real. Sometimes I feel like she doesn't believe that I am the person that loves her this much and she feels that she can't be loved at all.

   I will be there for my children and I will move on eventually. I feel like I have to fight even just a little while I have the chance.

[empower-me]

I understand Mark, I understand... .   if you feel you need to fight while you can then you need to do that.   

As you are though it sounds like you will still be staying focused on yourself and what's important here. Your mental health! 

I totally get the mom vs spouse thing... . OMG>>   hang in there friend!  It's gotta get better right?     

[MarkMo]

Em,

   Yes it will get better. I just don't know how much worse it is going to get before it gets better. It has been so incredibly hard already and this is just the beginning.

 

    I find myself thinking about things all the time and just if she knew what was going on in my life now then maybe she would start thinking differently. However, I know that is not the truth. She needs something more to show her the way.

   

    For some reason, I am scared today. I am not nervous or worried about the outcome but scared. When I see her I get so sad because we are on opposite sides and we should be together. I am getting tired of the fight. I will continue on but I have dealt with so much in the relationship and now this which is even harder. I am getting tired and beaten by it but I will not give up.

[empower-me]

I'm so sorry Mark,

I feel your pain, I really do.  I have had to do so many things to preserve my sanity and protect myself over the last few decades... .   and it has been so contrary to what I wanted to even do!

They force us to go against the grain and fight to overcome the pull of the illness and it isn't what any of us want.

I know you still love her and I too would love my exh to know what i'm doing and all i've been thru and why I have had to do what I have done in order to salvage the little dignity I have left and how much of a responsibility I have  in all of this as well, but we can't go there with them.

Once we even give them the inkling of the idea that we are responsible for whatever, then they use that and never let up.

We can accept our part in this but we cannot excuse or condone their part in the process.

Anything can and will happen with this disorder.  We cannot plan ahead where they are concerned; all we can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and taking care of ourselves and keep learning to live our lives in the here and now.

We aren't promised tomorrow and it would be such a waste if we spent all our time in the trenches of this disease and let our lives keep going by without us enjoying them.    stay strong... . I know it's incredibly hard.  e-m