How did your EXBPD next relationship workout

[Depression = 72% of members]

Just had my 16th breakup in the past 2 years with my uBPDgf (check back in a few days to see if it sticks this time). I believe it is finally over and the thing that I can't get out of my head is how will her next relationship go. I know it shouldn't matter to me and it won't in time but right now it does matter.

I was the first guy to tell her about her traits. It seemed at times that she was trying to work on it in spite of her extreme selfishness and self centeredness. Just hate to think that I got her going in the right direction for the next guy. I doubt it but I would like to hear if anyone has stories about what their Ex did after you and how they faired.

[nyfit1]

Just had my 16th breakup in the past 2 years with my uBPDgf (check back in a few days to see if it sticks this time). I believe it is finally over and the thing that I can't get out of my head is how will her next relationship go. I know it shouldn't matter to me and it won't in time but right now it does matter.

I was the first guy to tell her about her traits. It seemed at times that she was trying to work on it in spite of her extreme selfishness and self centeredness. Just hate to think that I got her going in the right direction for the next guy. I doubt it but I would like to hear if anyone has stories about what their Ex did after you and how they faired.

[LivingTheNightmare]

I am also curious to know this... . unfortunately with mine I was stupid enough to tell the guy she's sleeping with now that she has BPD, in the childish hope that it would scare him off... . now I feel that I've just made things worse because he may excuse her behaviour based on that fact :/

[Lao Tzu]

Dear NY,

    There was another thread here recently (you can Google internally to find it) asking whether we might be helping to fix them, followed by the extreme irony of having them in a healthy relationship with the next person.  You should read what other, more experienced people, said but my experience is that this just doesn't happen.  Telling someone they have BPD or BPD traits, even if they are seemingly (and I mean seemingly, as dishonesty is a cardinal feature of the disorder) receptive to the discussion means exactly nothing in terms of their progress out of the problem.  At the very best of all possible outcomes, they might get into therapy and the therapist might be familiar with this disorder and they might stay with it for the years that are required to have any chance at recovery.  This just isn't magic.  Even if they truly understood what their problem is, fixing it just isn't that easy.  If you want proof, consider yourself.  The fact that you're here suggests you have some reasonable understanding of the problemm you're having.  :)id that quickly and completely end the problem for you? And let's not forget that, as we used to say in another part of my life a long time ago, "The patient is the one with the disease.", i.e. your ability to process the information about all this is not impaired at the core like the pwBPD's is.  

    No, no irony here.  Injustice yes, on a big scale but no irony.  You don't want the life of the pwBPD and you already know what life is like for whoever is temporarily paired with him or her.  I'm cursed with seeing my exgf on a regular basis now due to work -- after 30 years.  The interesting part is that while I've actually changed in many ways she is precisely the same person after all these decades.  A few days ago she told me she was off to see her "other half" in some exotic locale (probably a start of a recycling event).  Her "other half"? Really?  That's what she called me when we were snot-nosed kids.  I believed it then but she still believes it today.  This girl (she's a little too immature to call her a woman and lady just doesn't fit when you are as promiscuous as she is) hasn't been able to move forward in development one inch.  It's sad, and she's a high enough functioning BPD that if anyone should have the ability to diagnose and seek help for a recognized disorder, God knows she would be the one... .

    Hope lies minimally with 'them'; it's overwhelmingly with you and the work you need to do on yourself to understand this.

LT

[Reg]

My ex her next relationship was with a same sex known borderline BTW and didn't last for 4 months.  She was/is also an alcoholic and nurse... .

After my ex heard she had borderline, she refused help and has now recycled that old relationship at least as a friendship and has become possibly involved with another woman with possibly the same problem.  I don't really care anymore.  A friend in the region where she lived told me now and than things and I've asked him not to talk about her anymore some time ago.

I just hate it that I see her daughter getting seriously emotional damaged and she knows it and does nothing about it... .

[gettingoverit]

My ex ran off with a friend of mine, they got married about a year or so after we broke up, and as far as I know they are doing peachy keen. They seem happy I guess. Again though, I have no idea what goes on inside their home. I know that my ex was looking for a meal ticket and she found one. Knowing her, she won't ever screw that up unless she has someone richer to go too. That's the kind of gold digger damsel in distress act she likes to put on. I wish karma would bite both of them in the @ss, but I don't think it's going to happen. After two years they are still going strong... . highly doubt they will ever split up. 

[HostNoMore]

My ex was with her former husband for nearly ten years.  She was with me for a few months.  I have no clue if she is still with my replacement as I have dropped off the face of the Earth as far as she is concerned.  My intuition tells me that they are still together though and approaching two years.

There are so many variables involved that it is impossible to determine how and when a BPD relationship will or will not end.  If your replacement lasts longer than you, it is not a negative reflection upon you.  Would you prefer to jump out of a pot of slowly warming water, or do you stay until it boils?  The BPD will manifest itself eventually.  That is guaranteed.  Rejoice that you are not the one taking the punishment now.  Once you heal, you will begin to have pity for your replacement.  I had the experience of listening to a recording she made of her exH begging her to be taken back in.  It was pathetic and proved to me that her BPD behaviors spanned more than one person.

In my case, I drew a very hard boundary to her denying her total control over my life.  She wanted to be my dominatrix, and I said hell no. She dropped me like a hot rock after 10 days of over the top crazy behaviors on her part.  In retrospect, my setting that boundary seemed to have triggered her into that process.  She got really weird is the only way I can describe it.

However, I do think that people who are extreme caretaker types and do not mind being doormats have a better chance of keeping their BPD longer than those who are more independent minded and free spirited.  A totally narcissistic type would also have an edge in a who can keep a BPD relationship going the longest contest too.  She and my replacement could last for the next fifty years.  It would make no difference to me.  I am free to be myself.  

Nyfit1, you did not fix her into the perfect girlfriend for the next guy.  Once the mirroring/honeymoon phase wears away, he is doomed to a living hell.  For me, getting to hear that recording removed any nagging doubt in my mind that I am inadequate and was responsible. It was the capstone moment of my recovery.

[bpdspell]

Just hate to think that I got her going in the right direction for the next guy.

Don't take this the wrong way but don't give yourself that much credit.

Just because you told her about some of her traits doesn't mean it's given her insight into her disorder. BPD's aren't cured with a few magic words or a magic wand and if you've broken up over fifteen times chances are she won't be healthy for the next man either. Don't let your ego create a narrative about her being better for the next guy. She won't be and the more you understand BPD the clearer this truth will become.

You've been with her two years... . she's lived with BPD her entire life. She was this way before you came into the picture. She'll be this way when you're out of the picture.

A desire to heal and accountability for her mental illness won't come from anyone except her. No one can make her want to get better and no amount of love can motivate her to look in her own sick mirror. She has to want that for herself.

My ex would have glimpses of self-awareness... . we'd talk and I'd delude myself into thinking that he had turned a corner... . like a light bulb came on... . but that's the furthest thing from the truth. My ex was certainly in no rush to give up the power that's comes with victimhood. His defense mechanisms and maladaptive behaviors are hard-wired. They are a deeply ingrained part of his character. And a person's character is pretty damn hard to change. It's who they are and who've they've been.

So how was my ex with the next woman? The same and even worse. Tons of crash and burn experiences and empty sex. It's nothing but a car wreck pile up of more shame and pretzel logic. There is no happy ending for a person suffering with BPD without intensive psychological counseling.

Spell

[expos]

My ex ran off with a friend of mine, they got married about a year or so after we broke up, and as far as I know they are doing peachy keen. They seem happy I guess. Again though, I have no idea what goes on inside their home. I know that my ex was looking for a meal ticket and she found one. Knowing her, she won't ever screw that up unless she has someone richer to go too. That's the kind of gold digger damsel in distress act she likes to put on. I wish karma would bite both of them in the @ss, but I don't think it's going to happen. After two years they are still going strong... . highly doubt they will ever split up.  

Don't be so sure and don't think for a second that she'll magically change her brain chemistry for someone else.  Whatever positive changes you see are a mask.  You were with her and you know what she is capable of doing.  

Ever heard of the 7 year itch (well now it's the 3 year itch)?  My marriage was "OK" until about 2 years in with my BPD-ex wife... . then it became awful.  

You just don't know when they are going to be triggered and devalue someone.  It could come tomorrow or three years later.  Whatever the case may be, it's inevitable.  The thing will be how much misery your "friend" will be willing to take in order to stick around.  

ETA - No amount of money will ever make them happy.  My ex and I did very well for ourselves and we still couldn't make it.  Millionaires go through divorces and lose everything.  Even if she has a better car, better home, the problem is still there.  I had great house in the suburbs, too bad the relationship inside the home wasn't worth anything! 




 

[Spartan999]

 my  ex uBPD (28 yo, petite blonde, ball of fire)     drinks herself into 'hookups'... . and apparently from my best understanding, THREE  weeks after me  (prob late jan or early feb),  on a night  out partying at the bars ( binge drinking being her forte' )   hooked up and slept with a soldier,  and then tried to turn this spontaneous sexual encounter into a dating/boyfriend scenario.   Lasted 3 weeks tops... .      THIS has continue to be her pattern... . I have no insight into how many random 'dates', concerts, bar make out sessions,  she has had that were one time encounters in the 'moment',  but I'd assume she's desperately looking to have a replacement that meets her needs longer term,  and I believe with the same pattern above,  she is formally dating someone now,  but I've masked myself from learning any confirmation as it hurts too much... .   I'd say the way she is wired, and how her family gets a kick out of how she goes through people like its a joke on them, and how her friends laugh it off,  that I was seriously a statistic that will be LONG forgotten as she is designed to be on a pace with many men before me, and many after me... . there will never be a normal courtship into how she rebounds,  it will always be a drinking binge sexual encounter and then go from there... . but me diagnosing her as BPD myself and only to myself,  there will never be anybody in her life, family, friend and otherwise that will have the intellect to connect the dots... .   You want a red flag, heres one,  and I played these comments off with good humor... . Her dad early on:  "I told one goofy guy she brough home, don't even expect me to learn your name until you been around at least 6 months... . "   Her female (like an aunt to her) boss at a dinner gathering: "Ok Amanda, we took a bet at the office how long you will have this new boyfriend ... . "   Amanda herself  " I broke up with my one boyfriend because he wouldn't kiss me in public one night,  met my next boyfriend at a party the VErY next night"... .  She would make these comments as if she were proud of her actions and had literally taught that guy not to mess with her, when she's done, she's done.  I want to say that was probably one of the earliest red flags, and it was foretelling how I was going to end up, because with a BPD,  you eventually cannot appease them,  and you MUST be punished.        Early on, when I thought I was NOT going to be a statistic like these comments had me thinking,  I still shivered thinking how callous these red flag comments were, and there were alot... . but early on,  she was INFATUATED with me... .  as the unpredictable rages kicked in,  it was all typical BPD enmeshment, text book, from there on... . I kept tring to recycle back to the honeymoon, losing more and more respect along the way, never earning any for my devotion... . again, mine was empowered, she does not go back to any previous partners,  she just may 'use' them for ego fuel if they sit on the sidelines like I did do the last 6 months, but know that the relationship was not real,  and I was indeed an object, and still am... .   Heartbreaking... . no ... . SICK.    Mine is designed to have no shame from her behavior or sexual behavior,  the supply is TRULY endless with that wiring.    You might know some things about them before you date them,  but you throw them out the window when they become exclusively yours,  but then when they depart and you have to witness the behavior,  for me,  because I'm still trying to get clarity to hold,  I have more shame for myself,  than for her.    

[seeking balance]

My ex ran off with a friend of mine, they got married about a year or so after we broke up, and as far as I know they are doing peachy keen. They seem happy I guess. Again though, I have no idea what goes on inside their home. I know that my ex was looking for a meal ticket and she found one. Knowing her, she won't ever screw that up unless she has someone richer to go too. That's the kind of gold digger damsel in distress act she likes to put on. I wish karma would bite both of them in the @ss, but I don't think it's going to happen. After two years they are still going strong... . highly doubt they will ever split up. 

my story is somewhat similar including the year of marriage therapy before the final break and then the awesome drug out divorce once the break happened while she was living with the new one.

Ultimately, it doesn't really matter, does it?  She will be a survivor and do what she does.

What are you going to do so you don't go back for #17 NY?

[Spartan999]

Correction, as I said my ex was designed to have no shame... . well,  we all know the answer to that based on what I described... . she has enormous shame,  but it would be a dagger in her heart to truly believe it... . it has to be buried deep or projected onto others... .   Put the shame on the current boyfriend,  and then bury that with another boyfriend.   Eventually, even a BPD person finds a match that can adapt, but more than likely, after watching all their girlfriends get married,  one particular guy will be in her life at the wrong time,  when shes exhausted or embarrassed to not be married yet,  and he's so intoxicated and needed,  that they BOTH RUSH straight to an engagement within the honeymoon period... . how many times have you all seen the results of that impulsivity

... . I don't make comments to her that she will 'end up old and lonely'... . the fact is,  she will never be alone,  maybe not happy, but she will keep burying one after another if the shoe don't fit exactly like her demented mind expects... .     I keep my mouth shut, becuase based on what I'm attracted to,  I might be the one old and lonely... .   Live and learn,  painfully unfortunately.   Sorry for any digress from the topic.

[crystalclear]

My exbf chose arranged marriage within 1.5 months after he left me. 4 months later he got married.  I have no clue as I chose to stay far away from his life, for my own betterment.

Not sure how this r/s would be as he desperately wanted to have wife. More like he got a trophy to flaunt.

[charred]

My exBPDgf... . was a no show for us to move in together, then had a new BF on FB about 2 weeks later. We had recycled about 7-8 times and I was done and went NC. So the FB posts kept getting grander and grander about how wonderful he was. She posted pics of them out having fun close to my house (some 200 miles away from her house)... . and I continued to ignore her. She texted, sent emails, voicemails... . ignored them. Finally she left a voicemail that said she had great news. I didn't bite... . then she left a voicemail that the great new was she didn't have herpes and her new BF was so excited.

Well another month or two of glowing reports on how wonderful life was (I had a morbid interest in checking her FB once in a while... . it was public... . I was un-friended immediately of course.) Then suddenly his pics were gone and all the stuff about how wonderful ... . was gone, and she was talking about the procedure she needed. After about a month she called and left  another message... . the procedure was for an STD she got from the guy.

It was the 2nd one I know of she has had, along with 2 marriages/divorces/7 engagements and so many BF's she doesn't know how many... . and none of them worked out. But all the problems... . were me.

[gettingoverit]

My ex ran off with a friend of mine, they got married about a year or so after we broke up, and as far as I know they are doing peachy keen. They seem happy I guess. Again though, I have no idea what goes on inside their home. I know that my ex was looking for a meal ticket and she found one. Knowing her, she won't ever screw that up unless she has someone richer to go too. That's the kind of gold digger damsel in distress act she likes to put on. I wish karma would bite both of them in the @ss, but I don't think it's going to happen. After two years they are still going strong... . highly doubt they will ever split up. 

my story is somewhat similar including the year of marriage therapy before the final break and then the awesome drug out divorce once the break happened while she was living with the new one.

Ultimately, it doesn't really matter, does it?  She will be a survivor and do what she does.

What are you going to do so you don't go back for #17 NY?

Trust me, there wont be. I know enough now to know better. If she were the last person on earth I would rather date a rock. At least there is no push pull crap with a rock.

It does matter to me though. I have always believed in right and wrong, and doing the right thing. I was always taught that if you go around hurting people, screwing them over, that sooner or later you will get your just desserts. What they both did was definitely the WRONG thing. To know that their marriage is going well is like getting slapped in the face again. I know this is more about me than them, but I do want justice. I do want retribution. After what they did and put me through, I deserve it. This whole ordeal has made me question the concept of good and evil, and the idea of evil doers eventually getting what's theirs. If there is no retribution, then my thinking goes, what does it matter how I treat others? I can lie, betray and cheat, and then be blessed with a happy marriage. Great.   

[charred]

You want revenge when you are hurt... . but if they are pwBPD... . its like wanting to hurt an emotionally stuck 3 yr old. The stories here... . are not of the pwBPD going off and actually living happily ever after with the next person... . it doesn't seem to go that way. You are likely to be told everything is peachy... . if you find out anything at all, but ... . like I said, my exBPDgf was married twice, had 7 engagements, dated and broke up with me (big breakups) 7-8 times, and didn't even know how many people she had dated over the years... . her life isn't wonderful... . its a mess, she is blaming everyone else for it being that way. That is what happens.

The opposite of love isn't hate... . hate is a strong emotion, just like love, and keeps you tangled with her. Indifference is the opposite of love. Work on accepting things as they are, its hard, but thats when you start de-stressing. Once you can forgive enough to move on, you will be doing better... . and your next r/s can work out well.  (If your not sure of that... . work on yourself.)

[bpdspell]

I do want retribution. After what they did and put me through, I deserve it. This whole ordeal has made me question the concept of good and evil, and the idea of evil doers eventually getting what's theirs. If there is no retribution, then my thinking goes, what does it matter how I treat others? I can lie, betray and cheat, and then be blessed with a happy marriage. Great.   

Getting Over it... .

I wouldn't be so sure about the narrative that she's living a blessed and happy married life. How are you so sure of this? We all know that BPD's wear a mask and cover their disordered tracks so they can appear normal. But if she's truly BPD then her life is no crystal stair. With all due respect... . you are wasting precious moments of your life waiting for justice and proof that her life is destroyed, ruined, imploded... . and this is wasted time.

I firmly believe that Karma never loses an address but why wait around for proof? What your our ex's do to us is wrong but you don't need proof that she isn't doing well. My ex lives across the street... . a mere less than fifty feet away. When I see him I look the other way and refocus on my own happiness. He's someone else's problem and I don't need proof that he'll be the same disordered person with someone else. I just remember the way he treated me and that's enough for me to know that he's suffering. My ex is very attractive... . quite handsome... . but he destroys relationships. Some women have a higher tolerance for abuse than others but it doesn't mean he get's a happy ending.

People with BPD don't like themselves... . most hate themselves. And this is why they cannot be consistently good to other people in the long run. I used to take comfort in his suffering but I've evolved to have a lot of compassion because I understand BPD better.  I still get angry at times but for me this only means that I still have some hurt to process.

I'm so sorry that you're still vengeful... . yes they hurt us... . but they are really screwed up and without intensive psychological help they are stuck in a nasty cycle of pain and shame.

Spell

[Mutt]

2 marriages/divorces/7 engagements and so many BF's she doesn't know how many... . and none of them worked out. But all the problems... . were me.

This.

I had an 8 year relationship and a marriage coming up to 5 years next month. I've been separated for 5 months while she abruptly left and is with another man. During and after, all of the problems were me.

[danley]

I don't know how my ex new relationship or what he refers to as date is going. I can only assume it is going good enough because he's still dating her. I don't want to assume It's peachy just because he comes to me with his deepest fears and joys still. Like I said on another thread, it seems like he is getting the best of both world's with me still validating him. I know he is somehow playing both sides. I won't assume he's on the fence becaus I don't want to have false hope. It kinda makes me sick to plainly see him fudge around with his half truths. I Sometimes wonder if he actually believes I naive OR if this is just another tactic for him to make me chase after him. I don't care for either reason's but the latter one ain't happening because I need to keep my dignity intact.

I believe his current relationship is doing as good as he is relishing in new fuel that doesn't know the side of him that I do. Right now I believe the only ones that know his disordered behavior is me and his ex wife. But I'm sure if the new lady is smart she'll figure out what he's like after the honeymoon phase ends. I'd be very surprised if he hasn't already shown signs of his disorder as he has been going thru a lot right now. But one things for sure, I am glad that I don't have to take the brunt of his misery anymore. If this new interest is am empathetic and free spirited as I was, and I'm pretty sure she is because It's what he craves to soothe himself, then I think they're doing OK. He requires tons of validity and pampering like a child.  But as i am beginning to see It's not my problem anymore.

[Scout99]

These questions took up way too much of my time and head when trying to put together what was left of me when my ex NPD man had detonated his whole artillery of discard ammo on me for pulling his pants of and demanding him to seek help about his temper problems... .

It took him about three weeks to replace me with the new NS who of course I tried to find out all I could about to inflict a little bit more wounds to myself by comparing myself to her... .

At first she seemed too good to be true... . A district attorney, younger, part of one of the "better families" in the small puny town where he lives, his parents (also narcissists), were overjoyed and he started to mimic her in so many ways... . Ditched his former infatuation with cars that he shared w me, to her interest in horses? That he hated everything about when with me. And within a three months they had moved in together, which is something he always hesitated on with me... .

Is he happier with her? Perhaps yes... . At least she is probably a better source for NS, narcissistic supply, than I was. She knows less about human behavior than I do, which probably to him is a good thing.

According to his sister, who has remained my friend and also supporter through all this, (she too is suffering under both her brother and their parents since the son is so favored by them), has told me that the new woman is extremely self absorbed and can only talk about herself... .

And in some ways I can see an irony in that... . If they both are excessively self-absorbed and ego centric then maybe they can feed off off each others need for admirations... . and thus have a match made in heaven... .

The more important thing for me now - being finally free of my enmeshed attachment to this man, is that I truly couldn't care less! I am glad I am not still in it. Because regardless of his PD, our relationship was not doing me any good, it just drained me of all my goods... . It was dysfunctional for me. And that's that.

[papawapa]

I was together with my ex for 12 years. We had our first fight 6 months in. She didn't rage at me for the first time until we had been together for over a year and a half.

It took six weeks for her to rage at my replacement.

They will not be "better for the next one."

[goldylamont]

i broke up w my exBPD while we still lived together. tried to put things back together for about 2 weeks. 2 weeks later (1 month after initial break) she starts seeing a new guy, lying to me about it, not feeding her dog after disappearing, etc. 2 weeks after meeting him they announce on fb they are in a r/s--we had 50 friends in common and i had to find out from one of them even though i was still sleeping in the same bed as my ex at the time. it suuuuuucked having to live with her during this she took every opportunity to make comparisons and torture and (tried to) embarrass me with her new toy. LUCKILY I MET HIM--omg the guy wasn't even close to being competition for me (in any normal situation). my ex is physically attractive i'm sure she can fool another man 'on my level' or above given the chance, but yeah i'm so glad her stupid arse raged at me that he was going to help her move out of *my* apt--b/c if not i would have never gotten to see him; to know that she truly was sick. anyways, this r/s which she "knew was going to work out b/c we **trust** each other" lasted almost 4 months--ended with him texting her belligerently calling her every name under the sun. i wish i could've claimed indifference then but inside i laughed. her next r/s came a few months later. i never met the guy, all i know is that it lasted maybe 6 months and ended with him stealing all of her id's and credit cards. i pitied *him* not her; i'm sure she deserved it. that's when she moved next to me and tried to get back into my life. wasn't having it.

NO, they don't get better with the next. I feel fortunate to see who she really is and how horribly she treats people has nothing to do with me. Don't believe the facade she's putting up the honeymoon only lasts so long. And even afterwards if she's high functioning most people wouldn't know--most of my friends didn't know about our issues until my ex posted she was in a new r/s to all of them. They just use fb as a weapon to try to make ex's feel bad and as a way to try to cover up for their own insanities. in time it will matter less to you!