Another Grandiose Lie Exposed

[HostNoMore]

I remember that on one occasion my exBPDgf told me that my former boss was going to have his model of operation imposed upon the entire conglomerate that purchased my former employer.  I was summarily disposed of upon acquisition and was floundering around looking for a job while involved with her.  This comment from her really cut me to my core even leading me to question my own competency in my professional field.

Anyway after losing the borderline, I had time to start my own business which seems to have solved my unemployment problem. Part of running a business is spending copious amounts of time networking.  I recently had a conversation with a high level executive at my former employer where I learned the truth about my former boss.  It is the exact opposite of what she told me.  He is painted into a corner with literally no power to do his job effectively.  I feel very badly for him now, whereas before, her comment had me more inflamed towards him for nearly two years.  It could almost be interpreted as having elements of triangulation (read definition) to it.  It was definitely abusive on her part.

This comment haunted me as it struck at my career plus it was a complete grandiose fabrication.  I now have total proof of it. 

BPDs will use whatever it takes to beat you down in order to obtain control.  I hope that sharing my story might be of aid to someone in their recovery.  Yes, they do lie, and they lie very, very well. It's not your imagination playing tricks on you.

As for me, I'm really glad I contacted him.  I got to get something else cleared off of my borderline recovery plate, and he volunteered the information to me. Plus, one day he may throw some consulting work my way, because I am damn good at what I do.

[Lao Tzu]

Dear HostNoMore,

     This is great, thanks.  I have been troubled recently by my pwBPDex saying some things (we work together [YAY!]) that are so subtle I question whether I'm imagining everything, yet are so amazingly painful to me and so clearly calculated by her that I feel certain it's not just in my head. 

BPDs will use whatever it takes to beat you down in order to obtain control. I believe it.

LT

[WXYZ]

One word - Insidious

[HostNoMore]

Thanks Lao Tzu.  I'm glad I was able to help you out.

I know they are aware of what they're doing, at least the HF ones are, but the illness compels them to do things like this. I'd have great shame too if I behaved in BPD manners myself, but we have executive control a function that borderlines lack.  These people are amazing artists in what they can do to someone who is susceptible to them.  Mine's ex husband had to spend a month in an outpatient mental health facility after she was done with him. I was so stuck in FOG that I did not recognize that as the screaming    it was.  She painted him blacker than black.

On another note, I was talking to one of my favorite bartenders about our dysfunctional relationships.  She told me of one boyfriend she had and the things he did and said to her.  Every point that she brought up about him was like a borderline check list including the old wanting to have a baby with her two weeks into the relationship plus stalking and controlling everything to the Nth degree.  I did not mention BPD to her, but our stories were both matching up almost point to point.  

That really stinks that you have to still work with yours.  I was so happy when I learned that mine had moved to another county as we lived very close to each other.  I'm free to roam and not run into her.  The few post relationship encounters that I've had with her I was as boring as I could be.  I think mine senses that I'm gone forever, but she is a known boomerang type too.   It does not matter though as I am now borderline savvy.

Between her and what that conglomerate turned my former workplace into, I know I'm better being gone from there.  One of the most important lessons I learned out of this disaster was to trust myself.  

The doubts one has about one's self after a BPD relationship come from two sources.  One is the abuse that we took from our BPD partners.  The other is the insecurities and issues we harbored w/in ourselves.  I am no longer the man I was two years ago.  I am a better man.  The medicine it took to cure me was very painful, but I made it through it.  I would not be where I'm at today w/o having experienced her.  All medicine is poison, but when administered at the right dose it cures you.  My BPD relationship forced me to take on my low self esteem and poor boundary skills and correct them.  

I'd never tell her though as I am total NC to the point of obsession.

[Lao Tzu]

G'day Mate,

    Insidious is right.  So, I'm sitting (by my design) at the opposite end of a truly huge board room table and she's at the head.  :)epending on who's speaking I move my eye contact appropriately, however three or four times I noticed that she wasn't looking at the person speaking but directly at me, something that was pretty clear due to my location. Once could be chance, even twice, but over and over means to me she was studying my face to 'get a reading' on me. Is it paranoia if people really are out to get you?

    Then, at the end of the meeting she moves halfway the distance to where I'm putting away my computer and tells someone (apropos of nothing that had been said to her) that she's going to visit her "other half" in some exotic locale.  Note that this is two months after spontaneously telling me that her family was her only focus now (i.e. Ishe has no one and wants no one" -- yeah, riiiight)  Finally, since I somehow still managed to have no overt reaction, when I hit the stairwell she stopped me to say something irrelevant that I would need to reply to in order to be polite.  I replied and then added with a smile "Have fun on your vacation".  I hate to report that I was a bit less cool the next day at home, but at least she never knew.

    I totally felt she was planning what to say to get me 'riled up', made efforts to be sure she executed it well and then made sure she evaluated my response afterwards.  Man, insidious is right (or I really am just paranoid   ).  My guess now is that since I didn't appear to respond she will probably escalate things.  I bet the next thing I hear will be something about impending marriage with the poor fool (who doesn't even know he's being triangulated).  I feel pretty sure she doesn't really want to recycle, although who knows when you're talking about mental illness.  I think she just wants to be sure the hook is in me for control purposes.  

    Well, among my friends here, only, I will say that although the hook actually is still there a bit she would be shocked to know how much less so than a few months ago. Thanks for that.

LT

     

[HostNoMore]

I'm going with AussieBloke too.  Insidious is the only word that can be used.

LT you are handling it quite well, congratulations.  Two years out I'd still never go near mine w/o wanting to  , but you have no choice.  At least you have the advantage of knowing what you're dealing with now. 

These people are rare enough that the general public never gets educated, but common enough that it's very easy to meet one especially if they sense you are vulnerable.  They force their way into your life with all of their techniques.  I sometimes wonder if there is a secret BPD University deep in the mantle of the Earth where they train themselves under a grandmaster BPD. 

I'd also advise you to keep a lid on the borderline thing at work as if she is HF no one would believe you anyway.  I really do not want to ever hurt mine professionally as she is very intelligent and quite good at what she does.

[Lao Tzu]

Dear HostNoMore,

      I sometimes wonder if there is a secret BPD University deep in the mantle of the Earth where they train themselves under a grandmaster BPD.     I think it was my first or second post here where I asked, tongue-in-cheek whether there was a graduate seminar in being BPD, as the identical use of words is really very striking.  So many people were told something like "I still love you but sometimes love isn't enough", for example.  It's very wierd, really.

     I appreciate the advice concerning keeping a lid on the BPD thing at work.  She is extremely high functioning (the reason the Board Room was so big is that this is a Fortune 200 company, and the head of the table is her normal seat.) and if she got even a little ticked off at me and decided to make up even the tiniest lie about me I would be gone in a nanosecond.  It kind of sucks to be me right now, but I'm trying to be as emotionally 'not there' as I can be, despite the fact that ther's still a bit of hook in me.  I don't know what else to do, as I know I can't win and I don't want to lose this job.  My hope is that she'll tire of my being boring (hey, it worked well enough when she moved from idealizing to devaluing years ago!) and find someone else more intersting to play with, or that she will dysregulate so severely she'll start raging at everyone and she'll be let go herself.  The latter happenned at her last (very high profile) job.  Sometimes I feel like I have to walk on a razor's edge.  Did I mention I now report directly to her? She had to invent some new rules to make that happen.  Oh Joy, Oh Bliss! 

LT

[HostNoMore]

LT,

You are in a very precarious position.  These freaks of nature love to control, and, yes, you are her marionette.  You do not want to lose your job in this economy.  I had to start my own company to get working again, but my profession is very amenable to doing that.

I think being boringly polite is a good strategy to follow.  I remember reading that advice from some psychologist's article on the Internet, and it served me well.  You truly are on the razor's edge as she has total power over your job.  They are well known to make false claims against people too.  Mine told me when she dumped me that she cared about me and would go easy on me.  Little did I know what that meant at the time, and, yes, to her credit she did though she did try to reengage me twice.  She also filed fake rape charges against her ex husband that she admitted to me never actually happened.  Hopefully, yours will play out more like mine did though mine never bothered to return my property.

If I were you, I study every thread and article on this site on how to properly handle a BPD as you are right that she could get you canned on the slightest whim.  You might even see if you can eventually, carefully, slowly, and methodically worm your way under another manager if that is even politically possible for you where you work.  You are fully aware of your situation which is to your advantage though. 

Just the fact that she massaged the system to have you report to her directly either pre or post breakup is extremely bizarre IMHO though I can see it happening given the pathology of the disorder.  Given your precarious situation, and the fact you're still employed means you're playing your hand well.  My hat is off to you.

[Lao Tzu]

     Thanks for the response.  Like everyone else, it means a lot to me just to have someone know what's going on and understand it.  No one in my life evn knows I had a r/s with this woman and if I told them they would think me completely insane if I related the story I related to you with the interpretations of her actions I have.  Heck, I would have dismissed this myself before I met her and found out about this insanity.  I'm not even sure I belive it fully myself.

     I imagine I'll end up losing this job, as I have been dealt bad cards in this poker game, but I'll keep trying, as I really like what I do and I'm too old to start over somewhere else.  The biggest kick in the butt is that my original r/s was only about 3-4 months in duration and was 30 years ago, almost exactly.  Three decades should be long enough to pay for most mistakes (isn't that about the term for voluntary manslaughter or something?), but after n/c for all this time, here I am probably going to pay with my job, something I hold very dear.  Hey, I just discovered life ain't fair; what a shock!c 

LT

   

[GreenMango]

There is no university where people with BPD go to for training.

Usually the training for this disorder is born out of a predisposed genetic sensitivity and a invalidating, neglectful, or abusive home life.  

HNM you've known she's had these emotional problems.  Something that people with BPD don't have is an emotionally unencumbered assessment and response to situations.  The read on things and events can be tainted with those fears and anxieties from youth.  Jealousy, paranoia, insecurity, etc.

BPD isn't a sinister master plan... . its an impulsive and erratic set of responses to alleviate emotional turmoil.


It may help to consider that this disorder won't discern between you and the next person.  That is why it is called a pervasive and longstanding pattern.  It's not personal per se - it holds to a pattern.

There's also an opportunity here to reconsider what you believed as far as what this person told you and how you've handled that.

[HostNoMore]

GM,

I totally agree with you.  I was just being utterly facetious about the underground training facility just to clarify.

I had to learn the hard way about those emotional problems.  I will see I saw glimpses of them before being involved but learning is a part of life, and I could only interpret those glimpses after going through the relationship and using the knowledge I learned here.

[GreenMango]

Hindsight is easy to see things.

You know the deal with this stuff.  Try not be shocked when she's doing what comes automatically to her.

Here's the kicker - I'm guessing this isn't the only person where you depended on her interpretation.  I'm saying this as someone who's been exactly where you are at on this.  

Huge lesson on there's always two sides to a story and not blindly trusting one persons account of events because there are so many ways people can interpret things.

Never the less, it can be shocking to find out what we've believed wasn't accurate.

[HostNoMore]

You knocked that one out of the park GM as always.  

Yes, there were other people where my opinion was based upon her interpretation.  Her exH was a perfect example.  For the 8 years we worked together, there was push-pull and painting him black out the wazoo.  We all disliked him at work as she is very much HF so he had to be the bad one, right?  

I was recently exposed to a recording she made of him begging to be taken back by her where I was confronted with more direct evidence of her lies about him.  What I learned about my former manager's situation yesterday it was reinforced even more.  I'm very happy to have learned these things over the past months as they all really have helped me.  I'm a very logical person, and my brain loves objective evidence.  These relationships leave us all feeling so unbalanced and worthless.  As I've progressed, I've learned that I have great worth by my birthright as a human being.

I'm actually at the 2 year point where the relationship began right now, and it only ran for three very long months.  It's really sad how they are trapped in that automatic behavior pattern.  Mine had severe trauma around age three when her father began to cheat on her mother who reciprocated.  Her parents were divorced by age 5.

I read an article the other day, not about BPD per se, stressing the importance of a stable loving environment during those critical early years for children for proper emotional development, and it mentioned that this period of time is critical for the brain to "learn" how to process oxytocin the bonding hormone properly.    

I feel a strange mix of pity, disgust and sheer awe for BPDs now.  The things I can clearly see in hindsight really don't matter as I am a wiser and better person now.  My confidence in myself is normal now whereas before her I always fought the self-esteem and people pleasing demons before my exBPDgf kicked me onto the right track.  I'd never have thought during those first few months after the relationship ended how much personal growth I would experience.  This board has a lot of responsibility for that happening.

[flynavy]

Good Morning everyone... . or Good Evening depending on what part of the world your on... . I haven't posted in a while... . but I have been flooded with so many emotions over the last few days I had to return to a place which eased my pain tremendously.  Todays my birthday (where did 61 years go?), had to put my Australian Shepherd down yesterday... . he was so riddled with arthritis and in so much pain... . selling my house and in the process going through so much "stuff" I accumulated and triggering so many fond and beautiful memories of my wife.  But with all this said... . I am still able to see how blessed I have been even after my BPD/NPD "ordeal"! 

I agree with GreenMango... . this is so well said! - Something that people with BPD don't have is an emotionally unencumbered assessment and response to situations.  The read on things and events can be tainted with those fears and anxieties from youth.  Jealousy, paranoia, insecurity, etc.

BPD isn't a sinister master plan... . its an impulsive and erratic set of responses to alleviate emotional turmoil.

It may help to consider that this disorder won't discern between you and the next person.  That is why it is called a pervasive and longstanding pattern.  It's not personal per se - it holds to a pattern.



I am continually amazed at how my own assessment of my ordeal has changed with time and detachment.  Things become crystal clear.  This is an INSIDIOUS disorder because their (pwBPD/NPD) survival depends on using/manipulating other unsuspecting people and causing tremendous emotional trauma.

The good news is things do get BETTER!  An analogy that works for me is as I detached with time I truly began to see the wolf under the sheeps clothing slowly come into view as time and no contact increased!  Re-connecting myself to ME and what is important in my life began the healing process! 

I ran across this article written in the local newspaper about my wife after she passed... . I am truly a blessed man and will NEVER allow this INSIDIOUS disorder to take away my faith and belief in true love... . I Lived it and am extremely thankful every day for Sandie choosing me!  Numquam Periit Amor... . Latin for Love Never Dies!

Schalmont mourns loss of teacher's aide Author(s):   JUSTIN MASON

Gazette Reporter Date: February 2, 2010 Section: A: Front

Sandie had a knack for reaching her students at Schalmont High School. She had a special ability to listen to them and offer support in their time of need. She also had a stern side for the ones that tested her boundaries -- something that helped her reach even the most difficult students.

"As a bratty teenager going to Schalmont with minimal respect for adults, I always respected Mrs. XXXXXXX," commented former student Tara Lee on a makeshift memorial posted on Facebook.com. "She was such a strong, beautiful person and the kind of woman I'd love to be like one day."

Sandie, a teacher's aide at Schalmont since 1995, died Thursday after a seven-year battle with ovarian cancer. She was 60.

Her popularity with students and co-workers was enough that the district declared a half-day of classes at the high school to allow people to attend her funeral service Monday. Hundreds of them filled the Immaculate Conception Church on Bradt Street to pay their final respects to the woman that many regarded as the epitome of strength and caring, even while facing her own deadly diagnosis.

"She showed us how to take on cancer with dignity and strength," said the Rev. Bob DeMartinis during the service. High School Principal Terrance Nash recalled how she participated in about every part of Schalmont life that she could, from chaperoning proms to selling raffle tickets at sporting events.

"We'll never be able to replace her," he said. "She left her mark at this school."

Next-door neighbor and co-worker Donna Notar said Stryjek was often the one teenagers would approach with their problems and concerns.

"She gave all the kids her time and her ear," she recalled "Sometimes, that's what they really needed."

Sandie was also resolved to fight her illness to the end and never once asked for sympathy from her friends or family. Notar said her initial diagnosis with stage-four cancer indicated she had less than three years to live, but Sandie ended up surviving for twice as long.

"She just lived every day and never wanted anyone to feel sorry for her," she said. "She was a trouper."

Sandie was the mother of four sons.

Former neighbor and student Alicia Case, 23, said Sandie helped her overcome her own mother's death when she was just a child.

Even during college, Case said she made a point to visit Sandie whenever she was back in Rotterdam. And no matter the circumstances or how ill she felt, Sandie always made time for her.

"She was the mom in the area that everyone could talk to," she said. "Even when she was sick, she always put other people first."

Even as her cancer progressed, Sandie insisted on working at Schalmont. Nash said she continued with the district until

early November, in part because of her close relationship with all the students.

"The glass was always half full for her," she said.

More than 800 people had signed onto the Web page created in her memory.

"When I walked into the high school freshman year, I know I could turn to you and talk to you when I couldn't talk to anyone else," wrote Danielle Freeman. "You always put everyone first before yourself. You had a heart of gold and everyone knew it."