Having a really hard day already...

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I've read some posts on here but I haven't written anything in almost two years. The last time I posted it was about how my mother had destroyed my wedding and humiliated me, since that happened it's been a roller-coaster ride that my poor husband has had to watch and a few months ago I finally realized I had to make a choice and stick to it. It's not that cutting my mother out of my life is hard her BPD is so bad that she could be straight out of a text book. In fact I tried to get help through our family doctor when I got home from my honeymoon because I was worried about my little brother and my grandparents that she was taking care of at the time but I was basically told with people like her getting help would be a battle and most doctors even though they can see it won't touch her out of fear.

It's bad enough that my only living family member besides my little brother is an aunt that I don't see very often because she's ill but I'm 13 years older than my brother. He doesn't remember because by the time I hit 18 I was moving all over the place trying to escape my mother but I raised him for the first 5 years. I was the one that got him ready for bed, fed him, read him stories, got him dressed for Halloween and made him birthday cakes well my mother was having manic fits in our basement and crying about her relationship with his father or on our porch screaming at me about anything she could think of and everything being my fault. No one will ever know what I really lived through and I'm glad he doesn't remember those years he has enough memories to deal with from the years I was gone but I feel like I've lost my son. He won't speak to me because I shut her out of my life, I think he's afraid because the last time I shut her out I'd just lost my job and she told him right in front of me that if he helped me in anyway not to come back to her house and he was only 16 at the time. She knew I'd never even ask him for money never mind take it from him but saying that put fear in him and I could see it.

I've been fine until today, I woke up with this terrible feeling in my gut like I've abandoned him and I can't shake it. I don't have any children of my own yet but I just can't imagine loving another person more than I love him. Loving him is what got me through the years that I was stuck with her and just wanted to die... . A few years ago right before I met my husband I really stood up and found my own strength, I lost 200 pounds and made a lot of changes. He's part of what gave me that strength I've always wanted to be stronger for him, maybe that doesn't make much sense but I had to make a lot of mistakes to finally get it right and every time I felt like giving up I knew letting him watch me give up wasn't an option so I would get back up and find another way. He's gone from my little man running to me in his footy pajama's with a book in his hands to a young man that towers over me and I'm so proud of who he's become he's really got such a good heart and somehow he seems to have gotten a good head on his shoulders. Not even being able to speak to him is killing me but I can't let her back in my life again she's like poison and I've come to far to continue to let her sabotage my life. I feel so guilty I would literally do anything for him if I could take on all of his pain I would but I feel like I'm failing him because the one thing I can't do is continue to fight her. I know she demonizes me to everyone in her life and I've really become an outcast among his fathers family and any family friends so even if in his heart he knows the truth everyone in his life is gossiping with my drunk mother so he's of course torn and questioning his own feelings I'm sure.

Anyway I'm sorry this is so long I just needed to get it out and my poor husbands heard and dealt with enough for a lifetime. If anyone actually reads all of this and has any advice I guess I could use some support right now.

[Heartbroken Daughter]

I've read some posts on here but I haven't written anything in almost two years. The last time I posted it was about how my mother had destroyed my wedding and humiliated me, since that happened it's been a roller-coaster ride that my poor husband has had to watch and a few months ago I finally realized I had to make a choice and stick to it. It's not that cutting my mother out of my life is hard her BPD is so bad that she could be straight out of a text book. In fact I tried to get help through our family doctor when I got home from my honeymoon because I was worried about my little brother and my grandparents that she was taking care of at the time but I was basically told with people like her getting help would be a battle and most doctors even though they can see it won't touch her out of fear.

It's bad enough that my only living family member besides my little brother is an aunt that I don't see very often because she's ill but I'm 13 years older than my brother. He doesn't remember because by the time I hit 18 I was moving all over the place trying to escape my mother but I raised him for the first 5 years. I was the one that got him ready for bed, fed him, read him stories, got him dressed for Halloween and made him birthday cakes well my mother was having manic fits in our basement and crying about her relationship with his father or on our porch screaming at me about anything she could think of and everything being my fault. No one will ever know what I really lived through and I'm glad he doesn't remember those years he has enough memories to deal with from the years I was gone but I feel like I've lost my son. He won't speak to me because I shut her out of my life, I think he's afraid because the last time I shut her out I'd just lost my job and she told him right in front of me that if he helped me in anyway not to come back to her house and he was only 16 at the time. She knew I'd never even ask him for money never mind take it from him but saying that put fear in him and I could see it.

I've been fine until today, I woke up with this terrible feeling in my gut like I've abandoned him and I can't shake it. I don't have any children of my own yet but I just can't imagine loving another person more than I love him. Loving him is what got me through the years that I was stuck with her and just wanted to die... . A few years ago right before I met my husband I really stood up and found my own strength, I lost 200 pounds and made a lot of changes. He's part of what gave me that strength I've always wanted to be stronger for him, maybe that doesn't make much sense but I had to make a lot of mistakes to finally get it right and every time I felt like giving up I knew letting him watch me give up wasn't an option so I would get back up and find another way. He's gone from my little man running to me in his footy pajama's with a book in his hands to a young man that towers over me and I'm so proud of who he's become he's really got such a good heart and somehow he seems to have gotten a good head on his shoulders. Not even being able to speak to him is killing me but I can't let her back in my life again she's like poison and I've come to far to continue to let her sabotage my life. I feel so guilty I would literally do anything for him if I could take on all of his pain I would but I feel like I'm failing him because the one thing I can't do is continue to fight her. I know she demonizes me to everyone in her life and I've really become an outcast among his fathers family and any family friends so even if in his heart he knows the truth everyone in his life is gossiping with my drunk mother so he's of course torn and questioning his own feelings I'm sure.

Anyway I'm sorry this is so long I just needed to get it out and my poor husbands heard and dealt with enough for a lifetime. If anyone actually reads all of this and has any advice I guess I could use some support right now.

[January86]

Hi! Your post really moved me... . I am new here and can't give you any experienced advice as I'm only child, a mess, trying to figure out many things (daughter of BPDmother), but just wanted to give you my support    , also tell you that I admire the way you got through all those difficulties. Your brother was so lucky! I hope you can find a way to communicate with him, it must be so hard -I suffer because I can barely see my cat that lives with them so I can't imagine a brother-.

I think eventually he will get in contact with you when he starts realising things, he will hear contradictory stories or abusive comments. As one day we started questioning everything without validation, proof or anything, we just had this feeling that it was wrong, so even if he doesn't have the memories he will keep that feeling of who wasn't and who was protecting him.

Hugs

[Heartbroken Daughter]

Hi January... . Thanks so much for the support it sounds silly but sometimes just being able to talk to people about this stuff and know I'm not alone is reassuring. Thanks again 

[hopesprings]

Dear Heartbroken,

I'm so glad to hear that you have been able to make the changes necessary to develop your own life away from your mother's chaos.  So much of your post resonated with me.  I know exactly how much it hurts to lose a relationship with a brother you loved and cared for like a parent. 

In my experience, my uBPD mom interpreted my getting married as abandoning her and she switched most of her attention to my sister and brother.  I went from being the "golden child", to being the "bad" child and as I got healthier and continued to grow, her efforts to split me from my siblings and even my husband increased. My brother remains financially dependent on my mother and she exploits that. Every major communication issue I have had with my brother involves my mother manipulating what was said.  He can't separate from her because he needs her financial support. It is really sad, but she has exactly what she needs, which is a male in her life who cannot leave her.  He has a lot of anger about mother issues and that gets directed at me. He can't risk directing it at her.

For me, losing my brother who I loved to my core, has been the saddest part about my mother's condition.  My main focus growing up was to protect my siblings from my parents. Sometimes, like you, it was my only reason for living. I knew I wasn't perfect in my efforts to mother and protect them, but I hoped that they would at least realize I was trying. They seem to have a hard time realizing I was a child myself at the time. I made big life decisions based on trying to "be there" for my brother. It is also difficult to realize that my brother has not been able to move forward in his life as far as I know.  I wanted him to be able to have stability, a good career, a family if he wanted.  I don't think any of that has happened. We haven't spoken for several years. My brother isn't the same person who I knew and loved growing up. Your comment about the "footy pajamas" has me crying.  I remember things like that too.

Hang in there.  I guess the bottom line is that recovering from a relationship with a parent with BPD sometimes seems to mean estrangement from other family members who you love dearly. I hope that your brother and my brother can someday see things for how they are, but we can't make that happen for them.  Thank you for posting your story.  Take care of yourself.

[Kwamina]

Hi Heartbroken Daughter,

You remind me of one of my own sisters. Growing up she was the only normal person in the house I could relate to. In my mother's mind she was the all-bad child, but even then I knew something wasn't right. I'm verry sorry to hear you're feeling this way and I understand why you miss your little brother so. My own sister moved out when she was 18 and after that my mother also tried to destroy the bond between me and my sister. My mother would take her frustrations out on me and when I tried to stick up for myself would say things like 'Who can take better care of you? That sister of yours perhaps?'.

I see why you might feel like you've abandoned your brother but it's also important that you take good care of yourself. I've been in the position your brother is in and I know that you're just doing what you need to do to protect yourself. Growing up I was very confused too and there was a period that I didn't have any contact with my sister either as a result of all the BPD drama with my mother. As hard as it may be to accept, saving your brother is not your responsibility but it is ok to try and help him of course. But if he wants to change his life he's gotta do it himself. I often wished things could have been different but my sister was just a kid too, 18 is still very young. The reality is that you nor my sister abandoned anyone, our BPD mothers are the ones who've abandoned us all. You've done a lot to help your brother and the fact that you don't have contact with him now doesn't have to mean this will last forever. I'd also like to say that you've done an amazing job in surviving your difficult childhood and at the same time also trying to take care of your brother. I know you're hurting and your mother tried to destroy you, but she didn't succeed cause you're still here and still fighting.