Something I read has really snapped me out of my funk...

[Blade99d]

I was reading the other day about which type or class our BPD fell into.  Waif, queen, hermit or witch... . my ex gf is a classic queen/witch.  At times i was unsure if she was BPD or NPD, as it turns out, she is probably a bit of both.  Anyways, for some reason, reading about the subtypes of BPD has allowed me to start moving on.  I do really understand now, that no matter what I said or did wrong, i was always able to apologize, and that my love I showed her was real, not some phony mirror of need.  There is a reason she has no one in her life, family, friends or other and its not because of me.  Its because sooner or later she cuts everyone out... . what a tortured way to live life.  I can only imagine what her grown son had to tolerate and see growing up.  Now its time to really work on me and what draws me to this chaos... .

[GreenMango]

 

Working on you reaps better rewards!

What do you think you want to look at first?   Why do you think you were drawn to the chaos?

[Blade99d]

No question about it, it was the excitement, the attention, the idealizing.  It was a better high than any drug could provide.  But in the end, it wasnt real... . and just like in the wizard of oz... . poof she was gone, never to be heard from again.  Normal people don't do that to someone they profess to love. 

[Clearmind]

Awesome Blade... . and good for you! YOu have showing some personal strength and gaining back some personal power.

Why do you think you needed the excitement, attention and idealizing? Where does that need stem from?

[Blade99d]

It took me back to high school, the cool kid, the popular kid, the guy with the best looking gf... . so inmature in the long run... . yet so stimulating.  I have discovered that I have never had a healthy realtionship with a woman, and would not know one feels like, as I am the classic fixer - apologizer.  As my T says, its time for me to put me first, but thats easier said than done. 

[Clearmind]

double 

Pretty impressive Blade - well done

[nolisan]

My ex was a Pagan Witch and was emotionally abusive with bizarre behavior. Eventually she abandoned me.

In the aftermath I was trying figure out What the heck happened to me. I was googling abusive r/s's and I was validated that it WAS abusive. Then I wondered if Witches were more abusive than other women so I googled "Witch & abuse".

Ding Dong! Up popped BPD and the four types. Mine was a witch/queen but had had periods in her life a waif and hermit.

That is how I stumbled onto BPD. It really helped see what was really happening and for me to find healing (including finding this forum).

[ObiRedKenobi]

Mine was mostly a queen but displayed traits of all them at times. Learning not just about a queen but the type of men that they are looking for helped me learn a lot about myself.

[Clearmind]

nolisan and Obi - it seems Blades thread about working on himself in the aftermath - how are you both working towards this?

[Trick1004]

Yep, it wasn't until I found out about BPD that my r/s with my ex started to make sense. It took a few days after she left me out of the blue and a ton of internet searches that I found out about BPD and the traits fit my ex like a glove. Mine was a waif and a bit of a hermit, just always wanting me to fix her problems which would almost always trigger a rage against me when I did.

The realization that she was likely BPD has helped me move on fairly quickly. It helps me knowing that I did all I could but it would never be enough for an emotional child. The failure doesn't lie with me, it was her inability to process things like a normal adult. At this point I am also looking at myself wondering why I spent 3+ years with her putting up with her behavior and don't want it to happen again.

It is her problem to deal with the rest of her life and that makes me sad, but I know she is the only one who can fix it and I never want anyone to be able to emotionally drain me so much again in the future. I was exhausted in so many ways when it ended and with her gone feel better every day.

[flynavy]

Blade... . we were in the same boat!  My exBPD/NPD fiance was a queen/witch.  When I looked inside to find out why would I fall for this disordered woman... . I have found that I am a classic Adult Child of an Alcoholic with rescuer, fixer, apologizer characteristics as well. 

When looking inside for answers you said... . It took me back to high school, the cool kid, the popular kid, the guy with the best looking gf... . so inmature in the long run... . yet so stimulating.  I have discovered that I have never had a healthy realtionship with a woman, and would not know one feels like, as I am the classic fixer - apologizer.  As my T says, its time for me to put me first, but thats easier said than done.

Again... . very similar backgrounds.  Even with all of my accomplishments... . college baskeball... . Navy pilot... . successful business career... . I still feel that I wasn't good enough... . always looking for affirmation!

I didn't know what a relationship with a woman really was early on... . I was able to be with most anyone I wanted yet it was never enough till I met my wife.  She totally transformed me.  It started out as me being the rescuer (she was divorced with 2 kids... . working 2 jobs... . ) but a funny thing happened along the way... . her unconditional love for me broke through my massive insecurity about myself... . it finally dawned on me that I am with the most beautiful woman (inside and out) because I AM good ENOUGH.  She loved ME not for what I did but for who I WAS!  It is amazing how after she passed away from Ovarian Cancer, I reverted back to my childhood insecurities and was perfect prey for my ex BPD/NPD gf-fiance.

This is an insidious disorder that reeks havoc on unsuspecting people with our tendencies/characteristics!  It does get better... . know we KNOW!

Blade... . you WILL have a REAL relationship with a woman... . it will happen when you least expect.  It did to me!

[Blade99d]

Another discovery I am making about myself... . big time codependency.  Classic fixer, giver, living my life and happiness through others, rather than living for me and making myself happy. 

[Phoenix.Rising]

  Blade99d!

It helps me to listen to what my needs are and do my best to follow that path.  My needs really began to take a back seat in my relationship with my ex.  Boundaries I had in the beginning of the relationship started to crumble and my anxiety was off the charts.  I was trying to bend and twist every way possible to please her, and nothing worked.  She always had some justification in her mind as to what was wrong with me.  I am a great guy, and so are you, and we do deserve to be loved and to give love.  Keep going...