Ex won't leave me alone

[Shall1989]

Hi everyone.

My ex and I have had a very volatile relationship. It was obvious from week 3 that he had problems when he got very drunk and started shouting at me saying I didn't care about him at a party. We have broken up numerous times, too many to count. I know I have my own issues to want to go back but to be honest I think I am just too sympathetic and sensitive and wanted to 'heal' him.

He moved in with me a few weeks back after he lost his job, the same day I had a tonsillectomy. During my recovery, he would argue and shout at me 'from the stress of losing his job'. I needed a carer for the 2 weeks I was signed off work, but basically looked after the two of us, as well as trying to find him work.

It was 2 days after the operation that he said to me 'all you care about is the fact your ill'.

I couldn't believe these words came out of his mouth. It was such a childish and ridiculous thing to say to someone after they've had an operation.

He apologized a few hours later, but something inside me had changed. I honestly think something just flipped and I was so put off him in that moment. I stopped being affectionate and withdrew into myself, hating him for laying next to me at night. The very fact he was breathing would annoy me and I slowly began to notice I was building up a wall for myself.

He noticed the change and became more argumentative and a few days later went away for a friends leaving do. This turned into a 2 day drug bender. He never messaged me while he was away, then finally I heard from him with a message telling me i couldn't appreciate how hard it has been for him and I didn't understand how it felt to lose his job.

I think by this time I had well and truly lost it. He had 2 interviews for very exciting roles lined up the next week and I reminded him of this, telling him it wasnt all bad and then went on to say how his lack of empathy while i was ill had made me see him in a different light.

He  became very angry and said he would move out - to which I said was a good idea.

A few days later, i was then the evil one for 'kicking' him out before his interview and 'how could i do that to him'. I stayed strong and insisted that he must leave and stay at a friends which he did... . but didn't leave the key.

I therefore had to meet him for the key where we had a ginormous row about our relationship and his issues. He tried projecting on me but I am so clued up on BPD now that it doesnt affect me anymore, just angers me. Or so I thought. It was a horrific argument and we ended it leaving on a very ominous note where he said he didn't see the point in life anymore and wouldn't go to a therapist if he couldn't be with me. I was so upset and we were both crying, but somehow i managed to turn and walk away.

It's now been a full 7 day of no contact and I have been suffering from PTSD symptoms and definitely have an emotional hangover.

I feel much more positive and the week of no arguments or accusations has done me a lot of good, although it has been almost eerily quiet without them.

I know through mutual friends that he has been on another druggy bender which last 3 days, ending on monday. I hated knowing this and was very concerned but did not contact him or allow it to upset me too much as i kept telling myself 'he's no longer your concern'.

Anyway, this morning I received a message from him. it was simply:

:'( x

At first I was confused as I had deleted his number so wasnt sure who had texted me, but i twigged after 2 minutes. i didn't reply. half an hour later i got this:

I could really use a hug right now an i want it to be from you... .

I kind of laughed at that message as it just so BPD (he just needs affection, I'll do, kinda thing)

Then i had 2 missed calls from him and finally received this message:

I just want to talk to you. You were right about a lot of things and i'm sorry but i really need you right now. x


this message really exasperated me. He has also been ringing my friends saying he needs to speak to me.

I know what he is like and that he will not stop until he is responded to, so i replied to him saying:

'R, i'm really sorry but i can't be there for you. its not a good idea for either of us. Please look at this website (sent a link about BPD) and see your doctor about going to a therapist. It will help you so much x'


to which he has replied:

'i want to lsiten to you. i really want to talk to you. I hate what has happened and I can't leave it like this with you. You wanted to talk to me before you left me... . I am ready to talk properly. You don't understand how hard it is for me to talk about things but I want to with you. X'

and then this 2 minutes later:

'you're the only thing that means anything to me and i'm sorry.' x

What do I do guys? I don't feel I am in a place where I could see him and not be upset and don't want to be dragged back. But I can't ignore this surely? Maybe I could take him to therapy?

I genuinely don't want to be in a relationship with him any more, but I do want to help him.

I know that he is saying this stuff because he knows this has always appealed to me in the past and worked. I can see it from more of a bird's eye perspective now, but it's definitely not as easy as to not reply.

I think my biggest worry is my conscience that he  might harm himself.



Confused.

xx

[Moonie75]

Three weeks ago me & ex parted. She hooked straight up with her neighbor & I laughed it off, it seemed so cheap & desperate. I didn't at that point expect to fall so soon & the crying & missing her to start... . And boy did it come like a river when it started yesterday morning!

I went into full on melt down & the folks on this site & their kind friendly support helped more than they/you all realize.

I took some time to sit last night & write down a chronological list of the cr@p she's put me through. The triangulation (read definition)'s with other men, the rages, the hurtful words etc etc.

Once the pen got flowing I couldn't believe how much came out & even found myself writing stuff I'd forgotten about.

I sat, read it back & slept soundly for first time in days. I read it again at breakfast & it made my day start stronger. I've made three copies (one at work, one at home & one in car glove box). Where ever I am when or if she starts trying to 'get back in' I'm gonna stop first & read my list.

I haven't had to test it yet but I bet it will help.

Doing the same may help you.

[Shall1989]

I feel your pain as I went through the same with my ex in January and after a month of begging him to get back together we did.

Nothing changed, everything was worse.

I don't want to hate him because I don't want to feel any negative emotions at all - they just eat away at me.

I wish I could not be so sensitive and affected by his pleas.

Others tell me to tell him to 'f'' off, but i don't think anyone who hasnt been with a BPD partner can understand how this just doesn't work.


Thanks for the advice. I think i'd need about 10 sheets of a4!


He is now begging for me to come back to him saying he can't cope.

I have told him to go to the doctors.

I hate how he tugs on my heart strings, it's so cruel.

[Moonie75]

Yep it is cruel. Ha ha I thought at one point last night I was gonna need more pens!

Spoke to my brother about it also last night when I called round to see him (to distract myself for a couple of hours). Ha asked me how I was doing & we ended up talking all about her.

He gave me a CD to play in the car home as I was leaving & said "go straight to track 6 mate!"

Song's called The Snake by Al Wilson. It got part way through & I had to pull over & listen again properly (eventually listening to it on loop for about 30 minutes). It really hit home!

PLEASE PLEASE give it a listen. xx

[Reg]

Moonie, it certainly is a good idea to write things down and remind yourself whenever necessary !

Think I'll listen to the song, you made me curious 

[Reg]

Interesting... .

www.allthelyrics.com/lyrics/al_wilson/the_snake-lyrics-205611.html

[Moonie75]

Interesting... .

www.allthelyrics.com/lyrics/al_wilson/the_snake-lyrics-205611.html

Guess my little brother's quite astute!

[Shall1989]

amazing lyrics!

very accurate!

[catnap]

The idea of a list is a good one. 

Your responses were well done, showing a bit of empathy, but not letting him cross your boundaries.  The FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) is clearing rapidly for you. 

Suicide threats can be handled by notifying the proper authorities. . .calling and letting them do a well check or whatever they do where you are located.  They are trained to handle these situations.  If he is suicidal he will get help and if it was something he said to try and manipulate you, he understands it will not work to bring you back. 

Hope you are feeling better.  I had a tonsillectomy as an adult and it does make you feel miserable for a few days.  My doctor said it is a very rough thing for adults to go through and he was right! 

[Shall1989]

Thank you Cat Nap.

It was an absolutely horrific 2 weeks recovery from the operation!

Glad to be over it. I think that's what caused the switch to flip inside me. I realised at that moment that he would never be there for me as a partner and that he would never see my pain or problems as real or worthy of empathy.

He is being very draining and insistent right now. I have agreed to see him but in a public place. I have also agreed to go to the doctors with him to seek therapy, so that I can explain what has been going on.

I have made it very clear I do not want a relationship with him and that him going to the doctors is by no means a way back into my heart.

I think BPD sufferers almost relish the challenge of our boundaries!

[catnap]

Yes, his lack of empathy when you were ill was very telling.

I have agreed to see him but in a public place. I have also agreed to go to the doctors with him to seek therapy, so that I can explain what has been going on.

Set a limit for yourself for how long you are willing to speak with him at this meeting.  This might sound a bit silly, but practice what you would say if you have to simply get up and leave.

As to the doctor's visit.  You will meet him there.  Do not commit to any other doctor appointments. 

This is just my opinion, but I think he is trying to reel you back in. 

[willtimeheal]

Shall1989

Wow you are one strong person. The FOG is clearing fast for you like catnap said. My ex BPD left me after my mum suffered a stroke. She thought I was going to leave her and care full time for my mum so she left me first. She hunted down a new  love and had him move in with her and her kids. She has text me and said she is not happy and wants  and loves me. But how do I deal with the fact that she left me when I needed  her the most and she sought out a whole new life and replaced me. And she still hasn't told her new bf that she loves me not him. She can't have her cake and eat it too. She is trying to have the best of both worlds. Your ex is trying to suck you back in. He will raise the bar every time. The fact that he is saying he will harm himself shows how desperately he wants  You back. You are not responsible for his actions. As much as you want to save him and help him... . You can't.  The only person you can save and help is yourself. You are kind for meeting with him and going to therapy with him but establish firm boundaries cuz he will cross them every time. You are responsible for you and only you.

[bpdspell]

Shall 1989,

What your experiencing with your ex is called an "extinction burst."

It is when our ex's are emotionally exploding in an avalanche abandonment fear.

They once relied on us heavily for EVERYTHING and when we finally create boundaries to protect ourselves the loss of supply cuts deep and they become frantic.  Their desperate efforts to be rescued are a part of their bottomless pit of need. The loss of supply intensifies their feelings of emptiness. The mantra: "I hate you; don't leave me" truly fits the bill.  

It's really sad for us to see the people that we love suffer but we cannot confuse their frantic attempts for contact with their ability to evolve, grow and change.

It hurts us deeply to know that they're in a great deal of intense pain but our love cannot fix their mental illness which they choose to be in denial of. Extinction bursts are ultimately about them regaining control of what we were once willing to give him: self-sacrifice.  I too poured into my ex but when he broke the last straw with cheating and incessant entitlement I was done and done. The trust was destroyed and he could never get that back.

The entire cycle is just unfortunate. We love them, care for them, sacrifice ourselves, give them our all. They in turn give us manipulation, emotional cruelty, overstep our boundaries, triangulate us, abuse us (physically and emotionally) and self-sabotage every ounce of love we put on the table. They are stunted 3 year olds and are looking to be re-parented with unconditional love. But we hurt because they cannot reciprocate because of their sickness.

Do not respond. They are accustomed to resorting to begging and pleading to get what they want because it works on most people. It is up to us to make the decision to end the toxic cycle and detach.

Spell

[Shall1989]

Oh my goodness, all of you are absolutely amazing. It's so nice to hear this true advice that I can relate with and actually is applicable.

I do feel that even meeting him is a cross over my boundary and I'm not comfortable in seeing him. I will limit this to half an hour. Luckily I am singing at a bar tomorrow night so I have a good excuse that he won't be able to argue with me over.

He is definitely trying to reel me back in my appealing to my caring nature.

We've had that many break ups and this time it is so different for me because my feelings towards him are very different. I pity him rather than feel his pain. I have encouraged him to speak to his friends and said numerous times that I don't love him anymore.

One of my friends has moved in with me as support so that I am never on my own while the break up is still so fresh. I think this has helped me an enormous amount with moving on.

X x

[IamDevastated]

Three weeks ago me & ex parted. She hooked straight up with her neighbor & I laughed it off, it seemed so cheap & desperate. I didn't at that point expect to fall so soon & the crying & missing her to start... . And boy did it come like a river when it started yesterday morning!

I went into full on melt down & the folks on this site & their kind friendly support helped more than they/you all realize.

I took some time to sit last night & write down a chronological list of the cr@p she's put me through. The triangulation (read definition)'s with other men, the rages, the hurtful words etc etc.

Once the pen got flowing I couldn't believe how much came out & even found myself writing stuff I'd forgotten about.

I sat, read it back & slept soundly for first time in days. I read it again at breakfast & it made my day start stronger. I've made three copies (one at work, one at home & one in car glove box). Where ever I am when or if she starts trying to 'get back in' I'm gonna stop first & read my list.

I haven't had to test it yet but I bet it will help.

Doing the same may help you.

I agree so much on this! Write it all down! I myself wrote alot of posts on various forums back when exBPD really started devaluing me and abusing me like crazy. After this phase there was a short phase where she seemed to come back and idealize me again before going fullblown devil on me. Whenever I get the slightest urge to see her in a positive light I go back and read those posts of mine. I have them saved to my hard drive. The pain and anguish contained in those posts is just... . horrible... . when I sit and read them I can´t believe how someone could survive emotionally being treated like this... . I can´t believe what this evil evil person put me through... . it´s apalling reading... . and I remember every emotion and panic attack I had as I go through the words... . this is something we easily forget once the initial shock of abuse leaves... . I think we nons and codependents are more adapt at sort of compartmentalizing the horrible abuse they dish out on us and quickly returns to our old dreams and hopes of this pwBPD once they slack the abuse a little bit and throw us a few crums... . DON´T do this!

So yes my advice is also to write down! If you are still in contact with your exBPD and she is running the mad idealization-devaluation train and setting you up for the final extinction burst (like mine did) then I suggest you write it all down as it happens. I did. Your immense pain and frustration and the hellish reality of your situation will be imbedded strongly in those writings. They will reek of your despair and unspeakable anguish. This can be quite sobering to read once the shock wears off and you start remembering all the good times. Then go back and read what she was also like. And remember: This is who she really is! The other person is not real. There were no good times. Only a mirage. The pain and anguish and torment that´s what is real. This is what she brings to the table. Nothing else. Never forget.

Ever.

[IamDevastated]

Oh my goodness, all of you are absolutely amazing. It's so nice to hear this true advice that I can relate with and actually is applicable.

I do feel that even meeting him is a cross over my boundary and I'm not comfortable in seeing him. I will limit this to half an hour. Luckily I am singing at a bar tomorrow night so I have a good excuse that he won't be able to argue with me over.

X x

I can relate to this so much. In the final stages of my interactions with my exBPD my trust in her was so broken down and shot that I didn´t believe a word coming out of her mouth. Everything was lies and I was starting to get panic attacks just being around her. Every interaction seemed like a violation of my boundaries.

I held out longer than anyone would have or should have.

Nothing changed. Nothing. Only got worse.

[IamDevastated]

Shall 1989,

What your experiencing with your ex is called an "extinction burst."

I always thought an extinction burst was the last and final and biggest/most dramatic splitting black/devaluation. The one where the pwBPD does NOT come back and does not beg you or wants anything further to do with you.

Guess I learned something today.

[Moonie75]

Shall 1989,

What your experiencing with your ex is called an "extinction burst."

I always thought an extinction burst was the last and final and biggest/most dramatic splitting black/devaluation. The one where the pwBPD does NOT come back and does not beg you or wants anything further to do with you.

Guess I learned something today.

I thought that too? I thought extinction burst was the big daddy gone for good & black forever message?

[Shall1989]

So... .

I went to meet him.

He was acting all casual and as though nothing had even happened. Trying to hug me and telling me about his activities that day.

I went to sit on the chair furthest from him and listened politely, nodding when appropriate, but not really listening to him. I was pretty astonished that he could be so casual, but I suppose I expected this from him.

I broke my silence with, 'why did you ask me to come here R'.

He said he just wanted to see me and wanted us to be friends. Couldn't things be amicable between us, he said, as if I was being unreasonable. He also commented on how cold I was being towards him and that I didn't need to be like that.

This really annoyed me, as the only reason I had come to see him was because of his pleading with me the day before and how he had made out he was on the verge of a breakdown/suicide. I said this to him, that I felt deceived into coming to see him and he looked absolutely fine to me. I told him that after 2 weeks, it was impossible for us to try and be friends and that his tone, (accusing me of being somehow unreasonable and unfair for not wanting to be friends) was entirely indicative of his lack of respect for my boundaries and my decision.

He apologised to me and said he didn't mean to and wanted to go to therapy and had booked a doctors appointment first thing on monday.

I don't believe for one second that he means any of this, I can see this is his way of getting me back and the boundaries Ive put up, although much tougher and higher walls, he will still want to break down.

He has it in his head that he will go to therapy, with the view that we will get back together when he is better. He said he loves me and will never love anyone else like this. He said he couldnt speak to any of his friends as no one except me had ever raised the issue of BPD before and he didnt trust them. That he really wanted me to be there for him.

Although this appealed to me before, for him to say this is just words. It did tug on my heart a little, but I think that is just the needy co-dependent in me delighting at the prospect of love and care.

I physically shook my head at this to shake the feeling off! I said to be there for him, would be so unhealthy for us both and very damaging to me. I also said to him that the whole time I had been his girlfriend I had tried to get him to face these issues and be there for him like he needed me to be now, but he had refused me and now it was just too little too late.

I said I couldn't promise anything about ever getting back together and that he had put me through too much for me to consider reuniting. He insisted all it would take was time and that I wasn't an angel (!)

At this point, he got a call from a recruiter, so I left.

For everyone reading this, can you see the signs of him constantly ignoring my affirmations and how his insistency (his desperation, which he refers to as his feelings for me) is to wear me down so that I am on his terms? He has absolutely no respect for my boundaries. When you are in the situation with the BPDex, it is very difficult to identify the emotional manipulations and you usually only realise afterwards what they have done to you.

I kept myself very much aware of his language, body language and tone so that I could filter out any manipulation.

I left feeling irritated. And awfully, i must admit that this irritated feeling, feels normal. Whereas the calm and chilled state I have been able to enjoy since the split feels abnormal.

This is why he is bad for me.

He has just messaged me to say this:

'Hey, thanks for coming earlier it means a lot. I know this is hard but I do wana focus on the positives and we should be friendly with each other. I would really appreciate you trying to help me but understand if you can't. I can't help how I feel and I will always love you no matter what and I do see a future albeit a spec in the distance x'



To me, he is making me feel like I am being weak by staying away from him - when actually I am being the strongest I have ever been before.



I think what I want to get across with this post, is that re-engaging with your exBPD makes everything feel fresh again, whereas before I saw him, I felt like a wound which was scabbing over nicely.

Now the scab has peeled off in parts - I am not hurting, but he has confused me by making me feel guilty.

I am writing this all to restrengthen my resolve and would appreciate any thoughts or support any of you might offer on what happened tonight.


Thanks

S

x

[HealingSlowly]

Oh Shall1989, sorry to hear you're going through this. It is torture!

Hang on to your strength b/c it is all there! And the part about his suggesting that you are unreasonable for not wanting to be friends - and his post about how "WE should be friendly with each other and he wants to focus on the "positives."

This is typical BPD emotional manipulation - exactly what I and I'm sure countless others have gone though, along with all the rest of it. Suddenly he or she is being reasonable and we are lacking - and all because there is no accountability of the damage and destruction they have caused to our very beings.

I hope there will be no contact soon as I do not think he is going to follow through with help and even if he did, this is a long journey for him and, as my T has told me endlessly, we cannot help. We are the last people that can. I tried too, many times. It just set me up for more emotional abuse.

I also agree that it's important to watch body language, gestures, choice of words, etc. They all become so clearly telling once we can no longer deny that the person we genuinely love is BPD.

Hang in there!

[Shall1989]

Thank you, both of you.

I completely agree with you both and know you are so right. I feel like reaching out and speaking on this forum helps so much as the support reminds me that I am not crazy, I am not alone and this is the right decision.

I guess that's why we all come to this forum though, to remind ourselves through the experience of others that leaving is the best decision and we all need the reassurance from each other.

He is trying to shame me into returning to him and being the emotional punchbag that he needs so desperately.

None of his friends take his bullhit, that's why he can't 'turn to them for help'.

I do hope he goes to therapy. I think he will give up after one or two sessions however.

His 'end view' of us being together again will quickly evaporate when he finds himself a new victimgirlfriend.