Dealing with an Emotional Echo

[HowPredictable]

Hello all,

I haven't posted here in months, and haven't needed to. (Though I have popped in occasionally to lurk, and to see how some familiar names are faring).

I have been NC with my Ex pwBPD for probably 6 months now (I stopped counting)*.  The fact that he moved to a town 4 hours away to go to grad school has helped a great deal, since he no longer stops by my house unannounced or drives by.   I don't even think of him anymore, for days and days at a time.  I feel very detached.  I've done a lot of personal growth work too; overall I'm in a very happy place.

So here is the problem:   Ex pwBPD still writes an email now and then, which I read but never reply to. In one of those emails from a few months ago, he mentioned that he'd likely be in town *this week* during his school break.  Being NC, I don't know if he actually did come, so to be on the safe side, I got proactive and booked a holiday out of the country for the past week.  Quite deliberately, I timed it so that I would not be here while he might be in town.  It cost me some money but it was worth it for so many reasons, including keeping up my sense of detachment.  I had a great time on vacation and dreaded coming back for all the usual reasons, and then some.   

But as of today, I'm back from holiday... .  and since I am still NC and don't know whether he did come back to visit / is still here / has left already.   I feel jumpy and unsettled.  I feel like a hostage in my own house, waiting for the doorbell to ring.  Cars drive past and I wonder whether they are him.  I am plotting to be absent from the house as much as possible.  When I go out to run errands, I half expect to see him parked nearby like I often used to during early NC (he's of the stalker variety of BPD).   He's suddenly in my thoughts much more than I'd like.

I don't want to see him.  I have no interest in him romantically or otherwise.  He's a good person but a sad, tormented soul and -- while I feel sorry for his situation -- I know I cannot help him.  I don't want to talk, I don't want to "catch up" and pretend (to myself) we are friends.  That's a useless exercise in potential back-sliding.  (As it is -- and I know I can be honest on this Personal Inventory Forum -- I catch myself briefly, narcissistically, and stupidly thinking things like "if I do see him drive by my house, it means he still cares".  Bah.  This is nonsense, of course.  All it would mean is that he's *still BPD*, and always will be.  But I digress).

I guess I would just like some sage advice from the seasoned veterans of this Board:   How do I best weather this temporary emotional step backwards, until another few days go by and I'm sure the coast is clear?   I'd like to think that if he did show up at my house, my boundaries would be strong... . but I don't even want to test that theory, to be honest.

Thanks in advance for any comments,

HowPredictable

* Edit:  I checked my calendar, it's 14 months LC, and 8 months NC.  Yay for me!  :-D

[MaybeSo]

Congratulations on NC!

I have no interest in him romantically or otherwise.

I don't want to talk, I don't want to "catch up" and pretend (to myself) we are friends.  That's a useless exercise in potential back-sliding.  (As it is -- and I know I can be honest on this Personal Inventory Forum -- I catch myself briefly, narcissistically, and stupidly thinking things like "if I do see him drive by my house, it means he still cares".

Is your concern primarily that if he showed up and you chit chatted that you might back slide into a r/s with him again?

Or, are you concerned for your safety in terms of him being potentially dangerous?

Also, it sounds like you do still harbor some interest in him or you wouldn't be concerned about a back-slide if the event you saw him?  Right?

And yes, of course, he is still who he is.  It's good that you see that.

But if you still feel attached in some way, then that is how you feel. It's okay to have that feeling.

He likely does still care. He just doesn't care in the consistent or healthy way that we would imagine or wish that they would care, and that's because he has a attachment disorder, and that disorder has nothing to do with you specifically.

It might be a bit narcissistic to imagine that his disorder has to do with you or is personal to you in a specific way... . and it's only narcissistic in the sense that like very young kids (who go through a narcissistic stage which is normal) we imagine that whatever is happening with another person IS about something we did or didn't do, or that it is somehow about US.  When it's not about us, at all.

[HowPredictable]

Thank you for the reply, MaybeSo, and you ask some good questions.   Most of which I have certainly asked myself.

I really don't fear any back-sliding into the (non-) relationship that I had with him.   And I certainly don't fear for my safety.   I just want to finally be done with all the drama, chaos, empty promises, etc. that come pre-packaged in these pwBPD.   We broke up almost three years ago.  That's long enough to tolerate anyone dipping in and out of my life. 

I think partly I'm just concerned that he will show up and I will be put in an awkward position, one that requires me to assert my boundaries, participate in a confrontation, or even just be rude.  We all know how persuasive and charming these pwBPD are, and I hated the feeling I had during past encounters, when I could not assert my boundaries well enough.

As for my own narcissism -- absolutely.  Thanks to this Board and some other excellent resources, I have identified that very strong theme in my life (and especially in my FOO). My many prior posts from about a year ago will attest that I've been working hard at understanding my own dysfunctional draw to this connection in the first place.   We had the prototypical BPD/NPD couple dynamic  (though I don't believe I'm full NPD, just strongly traited in that direction.)

Again, thanks for the input.  I feel a lot more settled in the past few days and have just been going on my merry business.  So far, so good. 

[MaybeSo]

I think partly I'm just concerned that he will show up and I will be put in an awkward position, one that requires me to assert my boundaries, participate in a confrontation, or even just be rude.  We all know how persuasive and charming these pwBPD are, and I hated the feeling I had during past encounters, when I could not assert my boundaries well enough.

Yea, I hear you. It can be very daunting. 

On the other hand,

another way to look at this is that if he does appear,  it might present an opportunity to exercise some muscles that probably need to be strengthened, anyway. (boundaries) My ex is super charming, the whole nine yards, I know how it can be. But, whether it's the ex, or something else,  Life has a sneaky way of helping us grow... . by introducing whatever is needed for growth.   I guess another way of saying it is, the lesson tends to keep 'appearing' in our lives until we master it. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hi HowPredictable, To me it doesn't sound like you are backsliding at all and, in fact, have gone to extraordinary lengths (taking a trip abroad) to avoid crossing paths with your Ex.  So from my point of view, you are keeping up some strong boundaries, which seem to be working.  Go easy on yourself and don't worry too much about things that haven't happened yet, is my advice (whether it is sage or not is another issue!).  Lucky Jim

[HowPredictable]

Lucky Jim, thanks so much for the kind and supportive words.   But to be honest, I actually considered my well-timed trip to be a cop-out on the "personal-growth" side, because I was essentially avoiding any potential confrontation and the chance to see whether I could keep my boundaries.  (Though I certainly don't regret the getaway, it was much-needed fun!)

I guess the bottom line is simple:  I hate that I haven't succeeded in putting this 100% behind me.   Don't get me wrong, I'm doing great.  But I am still not fully confident in my own ability to keep my rigorous boundaries intact, it bothers me that the past I wasn't able to fully resist his charm offensive, and I don't like feeling jittery now, when I thought I was done with it all.

I guess I have to keep reminding myself that:  1) I'm only human and have reasonable emotions, fears and vulnerabilities; and 2) everything about these BPD relationships -- including the detaching -- is harder than normal.

[heartandwhole]

Hi HowPredictable,

I felt the exact same way when my pwBPD contacted me recently.  It was an indirect contact, so I didn't reply, although replying might have been the kind thing to do (and that would have felt good to me).  I realized that I didn't want to communicate with him because I was afraid he might re-engage, and then I would have to say that I don't want any kind of relationship with him - which is something I would feel really uncomfortable doing, because of the effect he has had on me and vice versa.  But it would have been great practice for my newfound boundaries.

You have come a long way and you did what you needed to do to take care of yourself.  Someone once said something like " Don't try to out-spiritualize yourself" or something to that effect, meaning that we are where we are, and that is perfect for now.  When we're ready to challenge ourselves, life will bring us another opportunity and we'll nail it.   

[HowPredictable]

When we're ready to challenge ourselves, life will bring us another opportunity and we'll nail it. 

This is a lovely sentiment, and I wish it was true. 

My connection with the Ex pwBPD was certainly filled with challenges, that's for sure.    But it certainly wasn't an example of me "nailing it".  I overlooked a parade of red flags, I loosened my boundaries until they were non-existent, and allowed personality elements developed during my dysfunctional childhood to keep me invested long, long after I should have.

Don't get me wrong -- I learned a TON.  And I'm still learning.  I am happy and very detached now.  But I'm not perfectly, 100% sanguine about everything quite yet, and I think that's what's still bothering me.   That's why I call it an "echo" in the subject line... . it's just a subtle reverberance that I can't yet shake.

But thanks for the support, everyone.