How to forget the brutal things said? Or when will they stop haunting me?

[HealingSlowly]

Hi everyone,

Having a rough weekend. 7 months past the relationship with my BPD partner (who knows something is wrong but will not get help) of almost three years. Over two months of NC - I didn't respond to the last and so far nothing more.

I was doing a lot better but, as many will understand, suddenly it comes back. This weekend has been rough. I keep thinking of things said to me - how brutally personal. When my ex dumped me the last time, and it was the second time after we'd been doing well and I thought I thought it would never happen again, it was over a weekend that he was "far away" and by the end of the weekend he turned on me and was very critical. About everything I said and did and what I was even wearing!

I left for the night (we were not living together but just about to get a place - thank god that didn't happen!)... . I was angry when I left but I also said Look, I don't know what is happening but it is feeling too much like last time and let me know if you want to talk about our relationship after we both get some sleep!

My leaving was the reason for being dumped, I was told the next day (me making contact!). And I did not understand the abandonment issues, or my own co-dependence. I mean, I know that I really prefer to be in a relationship and don't like being alone but I have had to think long and hard about putting up with this stuff for the sake of a relationship ... . or one that has and continues to cause me so much pain!

Bad weekend! After quite a bit of time! I just keep remembering the one liners and how brutal and painful they were and are. They are like a broken record in my head/heart when I feel like this. I can remember earlier times (and sometimes still) ONLY remembering all the good but now this stuff is right there and only there. I don't know why it's getting to me so much this weekend - nothing has happened, nothing new. I was feeling better. I even know that when I remember the CONTEXT of the horrible comments, they were so outrageous to be unbelievable or to take personally!

And yet I hear them again and honestly, some are so painful that I cannot even post them here. Like I seriously was/am an object with no feelings.

Will I ever remember this stuff and not feel this acute pain. I was doing a lot better but also not dwelling on it as much. But as soon as I remember ... . like this weekend ... . I wonder when/how I will not hear the words and feel this horrible!

Thanks for listening!

[Surnia]

HealingSlowly

I feel for you, being with a lot of difficult memories is hard to bear. 

Weekends can sometimes trigger bad memories. What about family or friends? Going out with friends?

In my experience its sometimes very good to keep the mind a bit busy. Or the body. Walking, exercising can help too.

[eeyore]

Let me know if this helps?

When a bad memory comes up, imagine one of those blow up toys that you hit and it bounces back up.  And then imagine the word POW like you used to see on the old Batman shows as a kid.  That blow up thing represents your bad memory and you are hitting it because it's "BAD" just like the bad guys on the tv show.  Remind yourself you are a good person and there is nothing wrong with you.  He's just not capable of a normal relationship and it takes two people who will work at a relationship.  You only had you. 

[willtimeheal]

Healingslowly

I am sorry your weekend has been tough. I know the feeling. One minute you are doing well and the next it is like bam!  Everything hits you at once and you are back in the roller coaster. My ex BPD also verbally and emotionally abused me. Said horrible things to me that really put my self esteem in the ground. I spent a.lot of time discussing it in therapy... . which helps a lot. If you can afford therapy I would suggest getting therapy. I found that stupid things that happened in middle school or high school fueled how I reacted to what my ex said to me. Bringing that to the surface and just saying it out loud helped a ton.

Also remember the things your BPD said to you are not about you... . they are a reflection of how he feels about himself. It has nothing to do with you. It is hard but you have to keep telling yourself that. When he says those things to you he isn't talking about you he is talking about himself. Don't take it personally... . easier said than done I know.

I have been apart from my BPD for five months now. She said some of the meanest most brutal things to me... . It was a way of her maintaining control over me. She didn't have control over her own life so she tried to control mine with her nasty words and abuse. I let her for a while and that was my fault but I took my power and control back and so can you.

When those thoughts enter your head dismiss them... . they came from the mouth of a very ill and delusional person. That is not who you are. It will take a while but you will get there. Hang in there.

[HealingSlowly]

Thank you, all! Today feels a bit better. I was actually out with friends last night and I think this triggered things in part. I was already feeling the spiral on Friday and last night I just felt that everyone seems to have a normal enough life, and some are in what appear to be healthy long-term relationships, and all the stuff said about ME came rushing back... .  

I am also in T but it's not covered, so I can't go as often as I like, though did go very often in the first few months. I am scheduled to go again in two weeks.

At my "best," I know what was said was all projection but wow, the worst "shots" were always directed at where I AM most vulnerable (i.e... , human) ... . but of course that is the abuse. Sometimes it's hard to remember that the internalization of this (which took me a long while to work though) is also an effect of the abuse but that I do not have to feel this way - I know what is and what is not okay!

Thanks so much everyone! Whenever I feel down - and often when I feel strong too - I come back here and hearing everyone's experiences and being able to share and the shared empathy in turn are truly healing powers and I am very grateful!

[HealingSlowly]

P.S. Eeyore! Thanks for the POW strategy. I will try it! My T actually gave me a similar strategy - a large boulder in my way and I have to break it down with a baseball bat, at which time I am pounding out on my RAGE, but I like yours because it also puts the ridiculous in the reality - that it wasn't real! Thank you!