Schock, help, what you did when you found out?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

i kind of think i had a panic attack reading about BPD mothers. its pretty clear but its funny i avoided reading about parents, and theres no way i can say it out loud or anything. i feel sick.


this article is describing things my mom has done, and then going on to explain her vindictive motives behind them. its a little overwhelming. i thought my family was quirky but this is some serious stuff.

I am in my thirties. can anybody help with how they felt when they sort of found out.

im not sure how to feel, these articles are saying i should move away and all this and, i love my mom.

[Ittookthislong]

i kind of think i had a panic attack reading about BPD mothers. its pretty clear but its funny i avoided reading about parents, and theres no way i can say it out loud or anything. i feel sick.


this article is describing things my mom has done, and then going on to explain her vindictive motives behind them. its a little overwhelming. i thought my family was quirky but this is some serious stuff.

I am in my thirties. can anybody help with how they felt when they sort of found out.

im not sure how to feel, these articles are saying i should move away and all this and, i love my mom.

[GeekyGirl]

I remember feeling some relief and tremendous fear at the same time, when I realized that my mother has BPD. I'd never really heard of BPD, but when I googled "Silent treatment" and "bipolar disorder", BPD came up... . and it hit me like a Mack truck that it's likely that my mother has it. My T (who specializes in children of BPD parents) confirmed that it's about 99.97% likely that my mother has BPD with some NPD traits.

Like you, I'd thought that my mother was just "difficult" or "sensitive." After learning about BPD, it all made sense, which is why I felt relieved. It has brought me some sadness, though, because I now know that she's not likely to get better--it's all up to me to work on myself and my relationship with her.

im not sure how to feel, these articles are saying i should move away and all this and, i love my mom.

It's ok to feel whatever you're feeling--there's no right or wrong way to feel. You may find that you go back and forth between a few emotions, which is normal too. Be gentle with yourself and don't judge yourself. This isn't easy. It can feel overwhelming at first, but we're here to support you. 

You don't need to move away. If you love your mom and want a relationship with her, you can certainly have one. It does take work, but there are some good tools that can help you.

What are you most concerned about when it comes to your mother? What kind of support to you have for yourself as you work through this discovery?

[Calamity]

When I realised my sister had BPD, I felt an enormous sense of relief.

The relief didn't last too long, because she has gone out of her way to incite hatred towards me with other family members since the occasion when this was revealed to me, telling all sorts of untrue, exaggerated or twisted stories about me.  Our mother says "she believes her own propaganda", and she does - they are not lies, because she truly believes the accusations she makes against people.  I once truly believed her too, as she spent  hours telling me about the terrible housemates, the terrible work colleagues, and the terrible bosses in her life.  If you have no reason to disbelieve it, then of course you'll take it at face value.

On one occasion, I spent hours counselling her about a "terrible housemate" and the things he had done to her.  The very next night, she announced to a friend by telephone, in front of me, that I had not spoken to her since she arrived at our mother's home.  To me it was a lie, but to her it was a truth, even though she surely knew the actual truth, given the long discussion we'd had 24 hours earlier?

It's been Hell on Earth in one way, and a huge relief in another, coming to terms with the fact that she is an unreasonable and unwell person.  The Hell comes with realising that there is no resolution to anything you do wrong, and that you will unwittingly do wrong no matter what.  The relief comes simultaneously, as I once believed I was dealing with a reasonable person, and acted accordingly - which actually exacerbated everything.  Had I known that I wasn't dealing with "normal", I would have been forewarned.  But it's as though you have to set yourself up to this terrible situation of unresolvable conflict before you can realise what it is you're actually dealing with.

[Ittookthislong]

my mom too believes that people have bad motives. she recently had a friend come to visit who, through every drama, has been my moms biggest supporter, but has also remained a strong person herself. i saw my mom be disgusted with her... . there wasnt anything she could pin on this woman so she just seemed to cringe when this woman was try8ing to be close.

my mom also became sick, nobody believed her, my dad told her she was saying it for attention so for years we just rolled our eyes, but she had ms, and she was telling the truth. she always tells me about how my dad didnt believe her when she was pregnant with me, accussed her of trying to get attention. again, true.

my mom has the most insane gift of seeing thru people, and a sharp tongue. She is a cutesy, likable blonde, makes everyone laugh but out of nowhere she can target one person in a group and just say something that pinpoints their biggest vulnerability. It puts everyone on edge a little in our family because the things she says are true.

we moved around a lot, i never stayed in the same schools and kind of like a movie montage last night i remembered all these crazy scenarios of her storming into our class at school, obliterating the teacher and yanking us out of class, and leaving a completely quiet classroom that was just stunned. or being at a car garage and her throwing a huge fit because she "knew" the mechanic was trying to scam her because she was a woman, and the mechanic pulling me aside and telling me to please get her out or theyd call the cops. Everyone sort of laughs it off, or romanticizes her as just a cool character, but when she does it to you its shocking.

She is so easy to talk to, can relate to you so well. as a kid she used to just say i didnt have to go to school lets go shopping. fun things like that. but then thered be another time where id be on my way to school in the morning and she'd tell me to stop walking a certain way and take my hands out of my pockets because "you look like a dyke." totally serious, straightfaced. So mean, and yet, somehow honest... . which is probably where i need to change my thinking. growing up with her makes me be drawn to people who are honest, maybe even blunt. and i have a real yearning for the truth behind what everyone says, understanding hidden motives etc. probably because i assume people are randomly thinking the same things my mom would come right out and say.

She is extremely beautiful. blonde. looks and acts very approachable but she has got a mean streak that stun anyone into quiet shock. If youve ever seen the YaYa sisterhood movie, i saw that awhile back and it was unbelievable how much that character reminded me of my mom. Anybody have any idea if thats a BPD woman? When I was younger I remember i wanted to make her happy and was so proud of how pretty she was and i started really getting into art. so i was going to do a portrait of her as a suprise and she found a picture of her in my bookbag and said "why do you carry pictures of me around, its really wierd, are you a lesbian" I remember that made me feel soo stupid. i still feel stupid now thinking about it.

my biggest concern is with the motives behind things. thts what makes me cry. Its difficult because there is some situations where she was being truthful, nobody believed her, so i came to realize she does have a lot of insight about things. It may be mean, it may hurt, but when shes right shes right. She also can be very kind. definitly a compulsive shopper and sometimes she will just suprise you by buying you something from some wild designer, something id never afford on my own... . it occurred to me recently that that may be some attempt to pull you in and abuse a little.

I was her therapist pretty much. relationship problems, how sneaky men can be, vindictive women, all this on the way to and from school. i knew she had a rough go. a lot of people excluded her from things when she was trying to fit in because she was pretty. but i wasnt given a lot of time to vent about my adolecent worries and i do think im a little underdeveloped because of that.

Im having real trouble getting myself together career wise. I had a big project and moved to a town to do it. this project was one of those career establishing projects. and i was lonely in the new town but ready to buckle down and really do something that would work. she had a puppy delivered to my apartment. So nice, i love puppies. My dog is the best thing ever, but in the back of my head I wondered why on earth would she deliver a puppy to me when I had the biggest career opportunity so far in life and only a month to do it working from home? I asked her and she was like rolling her eyes "of course youd think that, you want to make everyone out to be doing you wrong"... .

Anyways Its just difficult to decipher the motives, whats true, whats nonsense. Im worried about the behaviors I adapted from her as well, im worried that this has had some effect on why i cant seem to establish any sort of life for myself and keep finding myself back trying to pull myself together in my parents extra room(a bit of relief too tht it may not be entirely my fault). Shes also got a serious debilitation now and is in a wheelchair and cant do alot of things without help. shes got an amazing ability to say things in that wierd angry voice about how nobody understands and nobody cares... . while your actually cleaning up her urine.

im just venting at this point. my thoughts arent really organized. she is nice too dont get me wrong. I know because of her I am hypersensitive to the emotions around me. I dont believe in psychics and so forth but people keep telling me they think i am because i can just tell when someones gonna blow, or when someones got hidden motives. I can feel when others are tense and have to fix it before i can relax.

Also, one good thing that came out is that the one way you could get my mom to break out of a rage was through humor. its like a magic formula that can pull her right out of a rage midsentence and get her smiling and calmed down. me and my brothers have gotten very good at quick humor and wit, its like second nature... . but it makes me kind of sick feeling too like maybe we are something entirely different but we were shaped into being clowns for peoples amusement.

ha, if you read this, thanks, any insight would be appreciates. im just laying my thoughts out there really.

[Ittookthislong]

to sum up the post above, basically i have guilt, i am withdrawn because i feel very intimidated by life in general. i have a lot of talents but i just feel embarrassed. I have a compulsion to help others, make peoples lives easier but have no idea what to do with myself.

I read a lot about the BPD symptoms and thought it was me. ive definitly got some of the traits. but something doesnt fit, because i can tell you in all honesty that there is nothing about me that is oblivious to the way others feel. other people have always been more important than me, and im tired. i feel selfish lately because i am so tired of helping others and not being anywhere myself. and the fact that i spent time tending to my mother, and now in my 30s shes sick, and i still am tending to her makes me so angry and tired.

im tired and yet i still have to miraculously find enough energy to start my life over, build a career, find friends all to establish a life for myself way later then everyone else i know and im not sure where to find the energy.

worst part is that its almost the role i get to play in the family as the one who cant get it together. the focus of the problem family member is me, and i accept it because my family is a lot of fun, and everyone seems to need me to be that person to look at as the problem.

I realise that sounds very martyr like, and im not even trying to sound like a good person or Jesus Christ or anything, its just... . Ill play the role because what the heck else am I doing? at least they can all feel good about themselves.

incidentally- the reason im brought to the boards is from cashing out my life savings to help start a career for myself and my ex, who lovingly accepted all my support and then got a job and told me "your money is your problem and your not going to get in the way of my dreams"

That was the breaking point. Its my fault i know i made all the decisions that brought me here and i can change it, but like i said im just tired, and ironically ive got no money, no career, a broken heart and guess where i have to move in to start over... . moms house

[Breathing new air]

It's been Hell on Earth in one way, and a huge relief in another, coming to terms with the fact that she is an unreasonable and unwell person.  The Hell comes with realizing that there is no resolution to anything you do wrong, and that you will unwittingly do wrong no matter what.  The relief comes simultaneously, as I once believed I was dealing with a reasonable person, and acted accordingly - which actually exacerbated everything.  Had I known that I wasn't dealing with "normal", I would have been forewarned.  But it's as though you have to set yourself up to this terrible situation of unresolvable conflict before you can realize what it is you're actually dealing with.

I think this sums it up for me anyway. I have spent a lot of years trying to figure out what is wrong with me. What I was doing wrong. For I while I thought I was the one with BPD. Many here will tell you that for you to question that particular thing usually does not mean you have it. We were taught extremes and chaos as normal. We had to be perfect for our mothers to love us and even then it did not get our needs met. Everything is done to met their needs that can never be met.

I think how you are depends on the day. I have been dealing with my past for almost 20 years, but only figured out the BPD element in the last six months. That has been the hardest to come to terms with, but the wonderful thing is that I am beginning to know who I am based on what is inside vs what everyone wants me to be. It is a refreshing change.

As far as a relationship with your mother and FOO, that is only something you can answer. You will find that it is very diverse on the board. Myself, because I cannot be what she wants me to be anymore and be her puppet or pawn. I have watched her find someone else. It is hard but I am trying to except it. To go back and have that relationship I am afraid that it would have to be on her terms again and I cannot do that. It hurts and I feel very expendable. Her words and actions are very different.

My 38th birthday was yesterday. I had a wonderful day and this is the first year that I have people in my life that are close enough to want to be with me and acknowledge it because they honestly like me.

But my own mother did not call to wish me a happy birthday. Neither did my sisters. I have to let that go. I cannot be who they want me to be anymore and in my family that is not acceptable. I am finding the support I need to stay strong here. You will too.