Acting Classes

[DesertChild]

I decided to take some to see if I could get out of the cycle I'm in now. I've been having issues with self doubt particularly with working, so,  and I've been trying to squash the internalized voice in my head that came from years of being told that whatever work I did it wasn't good enough.

But in taking acting classes, I realized that I'm so used to suppressing sadness and anger in front of others and numbing it by ignoring or compartmentalizing it, or turning it into jokes... . I wonder if I'm cutting myself off because I'm afraid to appear like my mom--irrational and manipulative.

It's different from the last time I took them. I get it much more now, but realizing this is really difficult. Reasonable anger, versus explosive anger... . allowing sadness, but not allowing sadness to rule everything... . I realize how much my childhood has left me numb in a sense... .

Maybe there is therapy in acting too. 'cause I didn't get this level in any therapy I've taken. And I can feel the pressure from day one of being judged standing up on stage for the actions of my parents still. The pressure to gloss over and not share. But the environment itself demands you share your emotions. And I'm struggling with that more than I thought.

Maybe therapy doesn't always have to be with a therapist, maybe therapy comes from other situations too.

[goldylamont]

for me, acting classes and performing is definitely therapeutic. i haven't taken acting classes for quite a while (more into music now), but yes i totally agree that the class environment is very helpful. especially if you are doing live theater work, the whole purpose is to not only find and understand your true emotions, but then to project these emotions out to the world, truthfully. that's why some movies or plays can make people cry, laugh or get angry. because true emotion-energy is being projected out and an audience receives this transmission and is able to empathize and feel the same thing. amazing isn't it?

since i was a young teen i've always looked at this phenomenon and called it my "theory of resonance"--this is probably the first time i'm sharing it. so, you know how a very loud and high pitched sound can actually shatter a crystal glass? this is because if the sound is loud enough and the frequency is just right, it causes a crystal lattice to vibrate (crystals vibrate at particular frequencies). and in this way i feel the same about emotional frequencies during performances. whether it be music or acting, etc., if the performers are able to send out the right emotional frequencies then it spreads through the audience and vibrates them to the same frequency :-)

[charred]

I decided to take some to see if I could get out of the cycle I'm in now. I've been having issues with self doubt particularly with working, so,  and I've been trying to squash the internalized voice in my head that came from years of being told that whatever work I did it wasn't good enough.

But in taking acting classes, I realized that I'm so used to suppressing sadness and anger in front of others and numbing it by ignoring or compartmentalizing it, or turning it into jokes... . I wonder if I'm cutting myself off because I'm afraid to appear like my mom--irrational and manipulative.

It's different from the last time I took them. I get it much more now, but realizing this is really difficult. Reasonable anger, versus explosive anger... . allowing sadness, but not allowing sadness to rule everything... . I realize how much my childhood has left me numb in a sense... .

Maybe there is therapy in acting too. 'cause I didn't get this level in any therapy I've taken. And I can feel the pressure from day one of being judged standing up on stage for the actions of my parents still. The pressure to gloss over and not share. But the environment itself demands you share your emotions. And I'm struggling with that more than I thought.

Maybe therapy doesn't always have to be with a therapist, maybe therapy comes from other situations too.

When you have a tough childhood, it is common to mute your emotions, disassociate from feelings, hold back from joy and feel like you are no longer fully alive.

I think the pwBPD is drawn to that a bit (they have issues ... similar but different)... and since they ignore boundaries like the ones we use to keep people at a distance, and to keep them from getting our trust... they get past our defenses and with their acting, gain our trust. We are a bit emotionally crippled, and being with a pwBPD... the emotions are like fireworks, we feel alive again... they blow smoke about liking everything we do, and give what seems like unconditional love... . right up to the point we accept them fully and decide (below consciousness)... they are the love/primary r/s we never had. We attach to them like they were a parent. Seems wonderful/like home/bit odd... . all at the same time. Then when they get clingy we don't understand... and when they leave abruptly or turn in to a hater... . because we put them on a pedestal and unconsciously think of them as a parent... we for the most part take it and try to please them... . but its not possible. After that the r/s is hell.

If they dump us or we leave them, the breakup is 100x worse than a normal one... its devastating like losing a parent... yet your brain tells you they were toxic and abusive, you long for the feeling you had when everything seemed wonderful with them. Finding out it was all an illusion is hard to accept.

You want good actors... . pwBPD... they are method actors... they can even believe what they are doing/saying for the moment. When the gig is up they go on to the next show and perform the same act or a very similar one for someone else.

I want someone that can't act at all... that is genuine... boy did I have the wrong girl.

[DesertChild]

Charred--I hear you on how difficult it is.

However, true acting is the ability to connect and realize ones emotions. You have to in effect connect to yourself, which pwBPD have problems doing. Much of art means self connection.

At least my mom with BPD had problems with art and would quit when it got towards anything that was self-realizing. She liked the art that was mindless and didn't push her towards herself. Often the second it got too close, she'd shut down and run away.

Belief is definitely not an issue for me... . but the ability to connect to my emotional states seems to have issues attached. Acting seems like an outlet that will push me on that front.

[charred]

Charred--I hear you on how difficult it is.

However, true acting is the ability to connect and realize ones emotions. You have to in effect connect to yourself, which pwBPD have problems doing. Much of art means self connection.

At least my mom with BPD had problems with art and would quit when it got towards anything that was self-realizing. She liked the art that was mindless and didn't push her towards herself. Often the second it got too close, she'd shut down and run away.

Belief is definitely not an issue for me... . but the ability to connect to my emotional states seems to have issues attached. Acting seems like an outlet that will push me on that front.

My pwBPD... . is an exceptionally talented musician, puts on concerts ... directs the bands and is very expressive... . she is disordered as all get out though, and very manipulative/cunning. She has inappropriate emotions, huge anger and is scary.

I on the other hand, have issues connecting to and realizing my emotions... which is what has me seeing a T still, I also tend to disconnect from people, when I really want to connect. My pwBPD ... . ignored my defenses/boundaries and came in close... . and it devastated me, hit me where I couldn't take it.

Your point is to be a good actor like Dustin Hoffman or Gene Hackman, takes genuine understanding of emotions and the ability to connect to them and express them fully. A pwBPD is not being a good actor... . but they are almost always acting, and over time they become very good at reading people, at eliciting responses, at acting like the persona they choose to fool the world with. Maybe conning would be a better word for it... . a good con-artist is more what we deal with. I underestimated my pwBPD's ability to manipulate people... . and me in particular. That is why I want someone that can't act for anything... . where what you see is what you got. And I want to be that way as well. Acting is for the stage and TV.

[Rose Tiger]

Narcissists are very good actors because they are such empty shells that it is easy for them to really become another personality.  Like Tom Cruise.  But who feels warm and fuzzy about him.  ha ha

I used to be amazed at people that could cry in a scene with no problem.  I think that does take digging into deep feelings and being able to pull them up.  I couldn't do that for any amount of money.  Now I probably could, I can watch an emotional scene being acted out and tears start brimming pretty easily.  That is way different than in the past.

I guess there are two types of actors, the empty shells and the ones that can really portray emotions because they are so in touch with them.  I'm guessing the latter are more the award winning types.

[DesertChild]

I think it's a misconception by non-actors that actors are liars. They do a lot of the same things that authors do too... . which is transfer from one situation and try to create it in another, which means to be good at it you need to understand where it hits emotionally. Acting does not teach you to lie. It teaches you to be in tune with your body, your voice, your emotions and self in the best sense with the best classes. (I learned meditation, voice warm up exercises, movement, etc from acting classes)

But for both actors and writers, you need passion and belief that whatever wild thing you are doing is true. You have to imagine it to be true, even when it's false. A transference, but not a total projection.

I'm pretty transparent... . I'm horrible at lying... . but acting isn't lying.

I understand, Charred that you have pain, but I don't think acting as you think of it is at the deep fault with that and seems to be appear to be a separate issue from what I'm trying to get at... . which is the numbness that this kind of abuse brings such that it disconnects from emotions and finding ways to reconnect to them.

One institution or art form is not all lies or good nor evil. Through doing this I'm finding ways to forgive myself and perhaps forgive the PwBPD in my life, even though I won't reconcile with her. I'm fighting with myself to find the grays and the middle ground that I forgot along the way, which includes emotion. I'll take any tool to get there.

[charred]

I don't think actors are liars, acting as a profession is different from what we experience with pwBPD... . who are not professional actors, but very practiced manipulators.

I don't think pwBPD are always lying or always acting, they are however manipulators, and are acting/lying when knowingly manipulating people... which is fairly frequently.

Perhaps I should have said I want someone that is truthful and honest with me, not a manipulator of people... . a good, normal person, the opposite of a disordered pwBPD.

Acting isn't the issue with BPD... the disorder is... acting is used to sell the lies during manipulation of people, it certainly is not the main issue.

[DesertChild]

I don't think actors are liars, acting as a profession is different from what we experience with pwBPD... . who are not professional actors, but very practiced manipulators.

I don't think pwBPD are always lying or always acting, they are however manipulators, and are acting/lying when knowingly manipulating people... which is fairly frequently.

Perhaps I should have said I want someone that is truthful and honest with me, not a manipulator of people... . a good, normal person, the opposite of a disordered pwBPD.

Acting isn't the issue with BPD... the disorder is... acting is used to sell the lies during manipulation of people, it certainly is not the main issue.

Then I have to wonder, Charred, why you chose to post in this thread if you thought so. It seems to me from what you wrote--though I may be wrong, that you are preoccupied with the pwBPD still, rather than finding ways to help yourself and ways to maybe forgive, but not reconcile with her and reconcile and forgive yourself.

Don't you have activities that help you find yourself and your own well-being as an individual separate from the pwBPD in your life? If so, what are those? Because I think, personally, for me, finding those and mining them out to reconnect helped me a lot. I'm not sure if they will help you, but thinking of my emotional well-being first and finding activities that re-enforced that, was an important step for me. For me, right now, acting is doing that in ways Therapy can't.

[charred]

I need something thats for sure.

Had hobbies, lost interest in them, think they were diversions from my problems, and facing emotions.

Reconnecting seems to be the issue... . I have unconnected from way too much.