I set a (very small) boundary

[freyja]

Hi all,

I decided it would be good to celebrate.   

I actually set a boundary with my mother and although it was small it was also one that I set with out having to deliberate about it. I've been working on some bigger boundary setting with my Therapist but those seem to take a lot of work up and planning. This one just came and makes me realize I am making some progress forward. Here is what happened.

My parents live in a different state (very purposefully) and so I Skype with them 2-3 times a month so they can see my daughter as she is growing up. My mother would like to Skype once a week, but that's too much for me. When my mother first texted to Skype I was in a bad space so I ignored the text for a good two days before replying with days and times that would work for me. That was the first boundary.

A bit of background - my MIL recently moved in with us to help us care for our daughter and it makes my mom a bit jealous. However my MIL is much different that my Mother and she is actually someone I can stand to live with.

As we were skyping, my mother kept asking me about the furniture she could see in the camera - whose was it? Which room were we in? who put their furniture where?

I was annoyed because when my mother asks weird intrusive questions like that it's always for some kind of "fairness" fishing to make sure that my MIL is not getting "too much of' the house or something along those lines. Information for further ammunition, NOT friendly small talk.

Secondly, she seemed to be more into the furniture that what my daughter was doing - the point of the phone call. Then when I said we had to go because my daughter had lost interest in the phone call, my udPBm said "before you go, walk around the house with the computer so I can see how you rearranged the furniture." Seriously?

I calmly said, "I'm tired and have a lot to do, I'm not doing to do that." My mother acted taken aback, and then said in her pouty voice, "okay... . " but I held strong and politely ended the call. It's been about a week and they haven't texted or called. But I'm not too worried about that. I'm just happy that I was able to set and keep a boundary in "the moment" when before I may have done what she asked.

So, lets celebrate - what is a boundary victory you have had?

[Up In the Air]

Yeah! Way to go, Freyja!  You should celebrate!

It feels so good to set a boundary doesn't it? In the past I've set many with my uBPD MIL and it always felt good, even if she later ended up disrespecting the boundary (and no matter how I held the line she'd do what she wanted - my husband and I are now NC with her and my FIL). There's something so wonderful about the initial boundaries that really make us feel good and build our faith in ourselves so we  further draw boundaries and set limits with more confidence.

It's a BIG step, so congratulations!

[Bella Storm]

You did awesome Freyja! 

Give yourself a big pat on the back. It sounds like you did a good job of defining the purpose of contact (grandma talking to granddaughter via skype). With your mom not following the purpose of the contact, you reinforced that boundary and didn't cave into to her obsession with the furniture in your house.

Way to go!

Hugs,

~Bella