My BPD mother's social worker asked for contact--but I am NC with her

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all, I am new to the board, and just wanted to thank you all so much for your time, generosity, sharing, and open spirits. A conversation with a therapist led me here, and I am so grateful to hear all of your stories.

A situation has arisen recently about re-initiating contact after NC for years, and I wondered if you all had any wisdom about it. I am sorry in advance if it is too long!

I am the only child of a BPD mother. It was just me and her growing up, and things were very difficult in what I now understand to be pretty standard BPD ways--she flew into a lot of rages and then was confused when, ten minutes later, she felt all better and ready to move on and I still felt hurt; she demeaned me, my hopes, my friends, and my goals frequently; zero privacy (took my bedroom door of its hinges when i was a teen ); worked very hard to drive wedges between me and my boyfriends or any friends I was close with; and blamed me whenever I complained about her treatment of me. We had screaming fights every single week. I thought all this stuff was normal until I was 19 or 20, and saw how other people's families worked.

We were in less contact after I left for college, and no contact for most of my 20s, and I have to say, my life has finally begun blooming in those years of NC: I made tremendous progress in therapy; I am starting to become more assertive; after a decade of dating drug addicts and other "user" types, I have been with my supportive and loving boyfriend for three years; and I am even taking some baby steps towards pursuing a career in the arts, which I always thought I was not "good enough" to do. I felt occasional pangs of guilt, not speaking with her, but I never really felt like I missed her, since most of my memories of her were of pain, and I knew my life was the better without her in it.

Last year, she and I were in some periodic contact because my childhood dog (my best friend in those hard years) was dying, and I wanted to see my dog Tallulah before she went. My mother was on good behavior the first few afternoons I came to visit, but she eventually exploded in a rage--ranting that  she had gotten the dog originally because she thought I was a sociopath as a child, and thought I didn't form attachments to other living things-- that left me shaken for weeks. I knew it was a lie--not only am I nothing close to a sociopath, but I've always loved animals. The strangeness of the accusation, coupled with the fact that I now led a life where I was no longer used to being lashed out at, really depressed me.

My boyfriend went back with me the next month to see the dog, to keep my mother on good behavior. I knew I could not go back to seeing my mother regularly, that it would take too great a toll on me, no matter how much joy I got from seeing my dog. My mother pretended her rage outburst had never happened, and called me "crazy" when I mentioned specific things she had said. I said my goodbye, and I had not talked to my mother for nearly a year. I am not sure if my beloved dog is dead or alive now, and it haunts me--I am not always sure I made the right decision, cutting it off when I did, even though I was becoming very depressed interacting with my mom.

She left me several voicemails over a single day this past July, commanding me to call her back, but I didn't. Also in July, I received legal documents informing me that she had committed identity fraud with my social security info.

Earlier this week, I received a call from a social worker, informing me that my mother had placed herself in an intensive outpatient (8 hrs daily) program for pwBPD. The social worker said that she "could" tell me what led my mother to place herself in the psychiatric facility, but that she "wanted" me to call my mother and ask her. She also told me they ran a program for families at the hospital that i could attend. After I got off the phone, I felt like I was being manipulated.

I felt that it was an inappropriate thing for a social worker to ask, for me to call my mom, but it also made me think that my mother had lied to her (and the program) about our relationship--in the past, she has often painted herself to others as a victim, and claimed that I do not "like" her because she is "poor" (obviously, nothing could be farther from the truth here, but she often lied about me to others, having her few friends write me emails about supposedly bad things I did that never actually happened).

I am very afraid of having to go through that again--of having to deal with people whom my mother has lied to about me. I would think as a social worker in a BPD unit, she would know how to spot this stuff, but who would just casually call someone whose mother had recently committed thousands of dollars of identity theft in their name, and just ask them to call their mom?

I feel almost silly asking this, but should I call my mother and ask why she is getting treatment, as this social worker asked? Having written this all out, I realize how absurd that sounds--my life is always better without her in it, and contact with her brings me very little besides pain. But I have always so desperately wished that she would get treatment--and asked her to get it for 15 years--and so it is so hard for me to have finally gotten my wish, but not find out more. why is she doing it now? I was advised by another poster on bpdfamily to wait for her to complete treatment and then contact me, which is probably the best course of action, but a tiny voice in me keeps saying "What if calling her is important to her treatment?" and another part just wants to know, for very childish reasons--who finally caught the Witch and told her she couldn't act like that any more?

I feel almost like I have a Pandora's box here--I know opening it will probably cause me trouble, but I am having such a difficult time leaving it alone... .

Anyway, I am sorry to have written such a very long post! But if anyone has been in a similar situation or has advice (including and especially "You should just wait for her to complete treatment!", I would be grateful for it. You are all so amazing, I can't believe the support the people on this site offer, it is blowing my mind.  

[bellab]

Hi all, I am new to the board, and just wanted to thank you all so much for your time, generosity, sharing, and open spirits. A conversation with a therapist led me here, and I am so grateful to hear all of your stories.

A situation has arisen recently about re-initiating contact after NC for years, and I wondered if you all had any wisdom about it. I am sorry in advance if it is too long!

I am the only child of a BPD mother. It was just me and her growing up, and things were very difficult in what I now understand to be pretty standard BPD ways--she flew into a lot of rages and then was confused when, ten minutes later, she felt all better and ready to move on and I still felt hurt; she demeaned me, my hopes, my friends, and my goals frequently; zero privacy (took my bedroom door of its hinges when i was a teen ); worked very hard to drive wedges between me and my boyfriends or any friends I was close with; and blamed me whenever I complained about her treatment of me. We had screaming fights every single week. I thought all this stuff was normal until I was 19 or 20, and saw how other people's families worked.

We were in less contact after I left for college, and no contact for most of my 20s, and I have to say, my life has finally begun blooming in those years of NC: I made tremendous progress in therapy; I am starting to become more assertive; after a decade of dating drug addicts and other "user" types, I have been with my supportive and loving boyfriend for three years; and I am even taking some baby steps towards pursuing a career in the arts, which I always thought I was not "good enough" to do. I felt occasional pangs of guilt, not speaking with her, but I never really felt like I missed her, since most of my memories of her were of pain, and I knew my life was the better without her in it.

Last year, she and I were in some periodic contact because my childhood dog (my best friend in those hard years) was dying, and I wanted to see my dog Tallulah before she went. My mother was on good behavior the first few afternoons I came to visit, but she eventually exploded in a rage--ranting that  she had gotten the dog originally because she thought I was a sociopath as a child, and thought I didn't form attachments to other living things-- that left me shaken for weeks. I knew it was a lie--not only am I nothing close to a sociopath, but I've always loved animals. The strangeness of the accusation, coupled with the fact that I now led a life where I was no longer used to being lashed out at, really depressed me.

My boyfriend went back with me the next month to see the dog, to keep my mother on good behavior. I knew I could not go back to seeing my mother regularly, that it would take too great a toll on me, no matter how much joy I got from seeing my dog. My mother pretended her rage outburst had never happened, and called me "crazy" when I mentioned specific things she had said. I said my goodbye, and I had not talked to my mother for nearly a year. I am not sure if my beloved dog is dead or alive now, and it haunts me--I am not always sure I made the right decision, cutting it off when I did, even though I was becoming very depressed interacting with my mom.

She left me several voicemails over a single day this past July, commanding me to call her back, but I didn't. Also in July, I received legal documents informing me that she had committed identity fraud with my social security info.

Earlier this week, I received a call from a social worker, informing me that my mother had placed herself in an intensive outpatient (8 hrs daily) program for pwBPD. The social worker said that she "could" tell me what led my mother to place herself in the psychiatric facility, but that she "wanted" me to call my mother and ask her. She also told me they ran a program for families at the hospital that i could attend. After I got off the phone, I felt like I was being manipulated.

I felt that it was an inappropriate thing for a social worker to ask, for me to call my mom, but it also made me think that my mother had lied to her (and the program) about our relationship--in the past, she has often painted herself to others as a victim, and claimed that I do not "like" her because she is "poor" (obviously, nothing could be farther from the truth here, but she often lied about me to others, having her few friends write me emails about supposedly bad things I did that never actually happened).

I am very afraid of having to go through that again--of having to deal with people whom my mother has lied to about me. I would think as a social worker in a BPD unit, she would know how to spot this stuff, but who would just casually call someone whose mother had recently committed thousands of dollars of identity theft in their name, and just ask them to call their mom?

I feel almost silly asking this, but should I call my mother and ask why she is getting treatment, as this social worker asked? Having written this all out, I realize how absurd that sounds--my life is always better without her in it, and contact with her brings me very little besides pain. But I have always so desperately wished that she would get treatment--and asked her to get it for 15 years--and so it is so hard for me to have finally gotten my wish, but not find out more. why is she doing it now? I was advised by another poster on bpdfamily to wait for her to complete treatment and then contact me, which is probably the best course of action, but a tiny voice in me keeps saying "What if calling her is important to her treatment?" and another part just wants to know, for very childish reasons--who finally caught the Witch and told her she couldn't act like that any more?

I feel almost like I have a Pandora's box here--I know opening it will probably cause me trouble, but I am having such a difficult time leaving it alone... .

Anyway, I am sorry to have written such a very long post! But if anyone has been in a similar situation or has advice (including and especially "You should just wait for her to complete treatment!", I would be grateful for it. You are all so amazing, I can't believe the support the people on this site offer, it is blowing my mind.  

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, bellab and   

I'm so sorry for all the trauma you've dealt with regarding your Mom, in your childhood and now. It's got to be hard figuring out what to do when no contact has worked so well for you in the past. I don't have a BPD Mom, but my husband does, and over the last 40+ years that I've known her, we've been NC with her many, many times. It's always such a relief to be free of her wrath, manipulations and rages, that when we inevitably end it and start seeing and talking with her again, I'm always let down and know that life will be complicated again. But, I do know she's my H's Mom, and if he's ready for the roller coaster again, I kind of have to ride along... .

I went ahead and read what you posted in the New Member Board, and see that the Social Worker who called you invited you to a Family Session at the Out Patient Program she has checked herself into. Apparently you can go to that session but not have to see or interact with you Mom at that time? I'm wondering if attending that session would satisfy your curiosity as to what is going on with her? Also, maybe you would have the chance to let the SW know what life was like growing up with your Mom, and what things are like now with her?

Also, I see that you have your own Therapist (that's good!); maybe get some advice from him/her? I think that if you become really curious, maybe using the SW as a mediator before actually having to decide whether you want to end NC or not might be a good compromise to getting tangled up with her again... . Maybe that Family Session can be just a toe in the water to test it? Just a thought... .

Glad you are here! I'm sure others will jump in and give their own advice from their perspectives; like I said: this is just my opinion as the D-I-L of a BPD M-I-L. I don't have the past involvement with her (as a kid growing up) that you have, so my perspective is not the same as yours. Good luck! 

[bellab]

Thank you so much for the advice and the empathy, Rapt Reader!

I think you are right--going to the explanatory session might satisfy my curiosity enough, or, even if it doesn't, maybe it is better to work on being satisfied with not knowing, than to work through the wild up and downs of being back in contact with my mom. It is a frustrating feeling to think that there might never be a time when contact is better than NC, but frustration is better than the alternative here, maybe. Curiosity alone is not a good enough reason to get back on the roller coaster, like you said... .

[Rapt Reader]

Glad to give some comfort, bellab 

You never know; going to that session with the Social Worker might really shed some light on what's going on, and give you a proper assessment on your Mom's situation. I don't see how it can hurt, since (I assume) you have control over whether you open up communication with her again or not, afterwards. Who knows how it will end up?

Knowledge is a good thing, and if you have the time to figure out your next step after that session, then at least you have some chance to do what is right for you. I wish you luck with what you decide to do, and I hope you keep us posted as to how everything turns out.

When would that Family Session at the Out Patient Program happen? Soon? I think I'm the kind of person who would be curious, too... . If it's a safe setting, why not? Keep us in the loop... .

[nomom4me]

Hi BellaB

Just wondering, how far will you travel for these sessions?  Please keep your travel time in mind, if your mom is anything like mind she assumes her children's time is not worth much and expects everyone to travel to her.

[bellab]

Rapt Reader, it is this coming Thursday, so I'll definitely keep you posted!

Nomom4me: luckily, it's just an interaction with the social workers only, so my mom won't be present, at least at this introductory session. I don't know if I'd attend subsequent sessions if my mom was present. The hospital is about 90 minutes away from my house, and it is true, my mother thinks my time is worthless, and if we were to get back in contact, she would expect me to see her often at the hospital, and later at her home (2 hours away from me) after she is released, with little regard for other obligations that I have to fulfill in my free time. That's some good stuff to keep in mind when i think of possibly re-opening the gates of communication... . thanks you for the insight!