my mom has BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello. I am new. I just started reading "stop walking on eggshells" and it has explained my life with my mom. I am recovering from another one of her suicide attempts and seeing my therapist twice a week. I am bi polar myself and my mom can throw me into an episode so fast it  makes my head spin. But I get help for myself, she does not. Any attempt I make to set rules for a positive relationship turns into a huge fight... . and she.sees me as an enemy. I love her... but I feel like letting her go. I don't know how to make all the.abuse stop. I.don't know how to not feel guilty for my success in life because she .doesnt have success in her life. I am almost 40 and oh I don't know... . I am just hoping someone out there can understand. I am at my wits end.

[mizdanielle72]

Hello. I am new. I just started reading "stop walking on eggshells" and it has explained my life with my mom. I am recovering from another one of her suicide attempts and seeing my therapist twice a week. I am bi polar myself and my mom can throw me into an episode so fast it  makes my head spin. But I get help for myself, she does not. Any attempt I make to set rules for a positive relationship turns into a huge fight... . and she.sees me as an enemy. I love her... but I feel like letting her go. I don't know how to make all the.abuse stop. I.don't know how to not feel guilty for my success in life because she .doesnt have success in her life. I am almost 40 and oh I don't know... . I am just hoping someone out there can understand. I am at my wits end.

[eeyore]

 

On the right side of your screen should be a box with the Title Welcome New Members.  There are hyperlinks to subject that you will find helpful.  I suggest you read the Frequently asked questions. 

I found this site and the Walking on Eggshells book to be eye opening. Explained so much.  I found that the Validation techniques to be helpful for communicating not just with the BPD but with everyone. 

[vivekananda]

Hi mizdanielle72 

It is so hurtful to have a mum with BPD and to realise that you will never have the sort of mom that you would want. Even harder if you have your own problems - bi polar. That makes for a challenging life. I am glad you have found this place here, here there are people who do understand how it means. Me, I could never visit my mom for more than 3 hours without the fights starting up, she sure knew how to manipulate and press those buttons.

There are skills that we can learn, that can help us work on our relationship with the person with BPD. Validation and values based boundary setting are excellent tools for us to use. If you are seeing a therapist, you would probably be familiar with these terms.

mizdanielle, I would like to encourage you to explore the website here. There are many resources available to us: articles, book reviews and workshops for example. Also the boards where we discuss the issues that are of concern to us and gain the support and guidance that is so helpful to us.

Is you father still around? What does he think? Do you have any siblings?

Cheers,

Vivek  

[mizdanielle72]

Viveck, Thank you so much for responding. My father is not around. She is on husband number 4. I have 2 brothers and one sister. Both of my brothers have cut her off and have no contact with her. My little sister still lives with her and I worry about her all the time.

I have taken the time to read a lot of the articles here on the website and they are very helpful. It is wonderful to feel that I am not alone. When I started this journey I felt like no one would understand what I was going thru. Now I can see light at the end of the tunnel.

I am seeing my therapist today. We are working on ways to either accept her ... . or let her go. When I saw my therapist on Monday she said to write my mom an email with rules and guidelines to having a positive relationship.She blasted me with emails and negative comments. I was angry, but I still love her and I wish there was a way to kepp her in my life... . maybe just a little.

I read some other people's posts about no contact. that would be such a welcome relief.

[vivekananda]

Hi mizdanielle 

It is important to have a 'plan' I am glad that you and your T are working on one. I hope your meeting was productive.

Yes, no contact can be a blessed relief. But it isn't always the answer. There are many solutions to the situation you face and it would be good to able to take time to consider what you need to. Ultimately, I think, we have all the time in the world. As long as we personally are moving ahead with our lives and learning about ourselves, we can avoid the dangerous black and white thinking that often unnecessarily complicates things.

I think you would benefit from an exploration of boundaries. Here we focus on understanding the values behind our boundaries:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Let me know what you think, ok?

Mizdanielle, have you thought about joining the board where family members discuss their situations and find support and guidance for each other? If you like, I can send you a link to it. Let me know, ok?

Cheers,

Vivek  

[mizdanielle72]

Yes vivck... . I would like a link to that... . thank you

[bellab]

Mizdanielle72,

I'm new to this board too, so I have less practical advice than other people on this board to offer, but I wanted to say that I am in a very similar boat to you, and wanted to offer my support. I'm a child of a BPD mom who raised me on her own (no dad). I also struggle with severe depressive episodes, and contact with my mother has brought them on many, many times.

I'm 31, and have gone NC with my mom a few times over the past decade (I worked up a plan to do so with my therapist). I'm an only child, so there has never been a younger sibling in the picture, which makes it all so complicated, and I am sorry that you have to deal with that. But I did want to say, NC doesn't have to be forever. In my experience, NC is often a temporary decision--a way to save yourself when contact with her is destroying you, rather than a permanent decision that closes you off from each other.

I'm sorry I don't have more practical advice to offer, but I did want to say that you are not alone at all. So many of us have lived, and will live, through what you're going through.

[mizdanielle72]

Bellab,

Thank you! I appreciate your support and advice. I didn't realize NC did not mean forever. It can be used as a tool during a really difficult time. That makes it feel not as permanent ... . and I don't feel as guilty about it. Thank you... . this really helps me 

[vivekananda]

Hi mizdanielle,

It looks like you have been moved to the 'healing board' already 

I would like to encourage you to keep on posting and feel free to comment on the other members threads too. The more I posted the more I learnt  . I leave you with some advice for you to consider: learning about BPD, practising validation and boundaries, is the beginning of a new hope for you in your relationship... . whatever it is you decide.

I will leave you to the good people here now, I usually hang out on the 'parent's boards' (my daughter has BPD too).

take care mizdanielle,

Vivek