Nothing you loved about me is here anymore... I'm a different person.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Just like the subject thread says my uBPDexgf said this in probably the last email before we were no contact. Earlier in the week i mentioned I went on her Instagram for the first time in 8 months and she is almost unrecognisable to the girl i feel in love with. its heartbreaking and it made me very sad but I guess at the same time it was closure that it wasn't me it was her. I guess we can call the situation bittersweet.

The thing that I am curious about is she was aware that she changed... . its a shame she didn't get treatment wouldn't that normally have been a big step for recovery to be aware. I remember at the same time we were having this conversation I begged her to get some help and she said the fact I was reminding her she was depressed makes her more depressed and that she can just turn it off in her mind and move on (very BPD i knew nothing about it at the time) It was basically my fault for encouraging her to get help. She then said she is just going to start again and try and get it right this time and has run away from me ever since... . Its such a shame I felt like I was so close to a break thru but she has to want it for herself... . What are your thoughts on this have you had similar situations?

[snappafcw]

Just like the subject thread says my uBPDexgf said this in probably the last email before we were no contact. Earlier in the week i mentioned I went on her Instagram for the first time in 8 months and she is almost unrecognisable to the girl i feel in love with. its heartbreaking and it made me very sad but I guess at the same time it was closure that it wasn't me it was her. I guess we can call the situation bittersweet.

The thing that I am curious about is she was aware that she changed... . its a shame she didn't get treatment wouldn't that normally have been a big step for recovery to be aware. I remember at the same time we were having this conversation I begged her to get some help and she said the fact I was reminding her she was depressed makes her more depressed and that she can just turn it off in her mind and move on (very BPD i knew nothing about it at the time) It was basically my fault for encouraging her to get help. She then said she is just going to start again and try and get it right this time and has run away from me ever since... . Its such a shame I felt like I was so close to a break thru but she has to want it for herself... . What are your thoughts on this have you had similar situations?

[DeRetour]

Its such a shame I felt like I was so close to a break thru but she has to want it for herself... . What are your thoughts on this have you had similar situations?

Snapp,

Oh yes, just when things seem to be better (or more intimate, stable, etc.), then things go to sh!t. Sorry to be blunt, it's just that I totally know how frustrating and confusing it is. I'm so sorry to hear that you've had this with your ex. You know, from what I understand this is a common theme with pwBPD. I believe this kind of behavior is part of the push-pull dynamic in a BPD relationship.

You mentioned seeing a totally different person in your ex when you saw her recent Instagram photos? Well, I had something similar with my uBPDex-GF - something she re-posted on her Tumblr. Late one night on the phone, I asked her about it, she got very defensive, and before I knew it, we were in our last fight. Hah! And what a good thing, because at that point, once I was in the defensive, I realized how much sh!t I had brushed under the rug with this girl in the past 14 months. Ugghh.

Now getting back to that push-pull... .

The night before, we were painting a living room wall and rearranging shelves at my place (we were already calling it our place). She was so enthusiastic about setting up the place to move in. She had her copy of the keys. Her mom was coming back home the next day, and she was going to let her know that she was moving in with me. And we had spent the last 2 months discussing our next few years - marriage, a couple of big trips, then a child. One minute it's this... . the next minute everything is completely gone!

So, maybe things were starting to feel more stable with you and your ex. To someone with BPD, this is engulfment. The response? Push away, sabotage. I know, it doesn't make sense to us nons. And this is part of what brings us here to the boards. You're in good company. Keep posting. I know it's really helping me. Take good care!

deretour

EDIT: btw, whenever my ex posted anything that seemed like it came from a completely different girl (not the girl who was planning a life together), her words were, "You just never knew me." Did it hurt? Hell yeah. But as I've been taking the time to read up, this is part of the illness. The trick here is not getting too caught up in trying to make sense out of it, because with BPD (as I'm learning), it just isn't going to make logical sense. Be good to yourself.

[snappafcw]

Thanks so much for your feedback i hope this thread gets some more... . You are spot on about this happening when things get more stable. The second last time i ever saw my ex face to face she brought a list of properties over because we were planning to move out and rent together before we bought a house... . I have only seen her once since then which was 3 months later... . It is now 8 months on. Its heartbreaking but If i can survive everyone else here can too. Blessings x

[Clearmind]

Close to a break through? snapp I am sorry to say you were probably not as close as you think. It takes hitting rock bottom for a Borderline to get help and unfortunately we enable and trigger.

We cannot help them - they need to make the realization themselves. I think one important step in our healing is to let go of the fantasy that we could have changed them. They are who they are in its entirety. Pattern of relating is hard wired - you or I cannot change it.

[snappafcw]

Fair enough... . Thank you.

[Ironmanrises]

Snap,

I can imagine how that must have hurt seeing a person you no longer recognized when you viewed her IG pics. That is the facade that put on to run from the pain they lash out(in this case at you) and to show the rest of the world that they are "happy" "fun" and what not so that the enablers do not see what you had seen. My exUBPDgf was doing the same up until I closed my accounts. She started to read "self help" books and pretend that that was what she needed all along. That is part of the denial. When I saw that, my heart broke. That is like putting a band aid on a big gaping infected wound and telling everyone, "see, that's all i needed."

[Bananas]

Snap, same here.  My ex looks and acts totally different.  They don't have a stable sense of self.  They don't know who they are.  They have been doing it for a long time  they have a lot of practice so they are fantastic actors.

So which person is real and which is fake?  I think the answer is neither.  To what level was her awareness?  How can you be aware that you have changed when you don't know who you are in the first place?     

Looking back I saw a frustration in my ex, the closer and more intimate we got, that I was going to "figure him out" the more anxiety he had and the more he pushed me away.  Closer for me equaled more triggering for him.     

And even if either of our exes hit rock bottom and got help, who would they be?  Probably not the person you fell in love with in the idealization phase as that wasn't really them, that was you. 

[willtimeheal]

Snap

My ex BPD isn't the same person I fell in love with. We have been apart for about five months now. She left me when she thought I was going to leave her... . which I had no intention of doing. She  found a new guy. He moved 400 miles quit a great job and left his friends to start a life with her. Before  he left she was  messaging me saying she wanted me not him. That's when I started to see my ex differently. She had no feels for this guy but was willing to have him give  up his life just so she would not be alone.

She text me the other day and said she broke up with him over a month ago and spent the summer traveling. I don't know if it is I see her as  a different person or I see her for who she really is. I have been in therapy for a year and I have changed and grown so much.  I am a better healthier stronger person now and I won't ever allow anyone to treat me the way she treated  me. I looked at her fb the other day and she still hangs out with the same toxic people she follows the same patterns and has not made any changes to her life. So I am not sure if I don't recognize her anymore because I am now getting healthy and I can see the disorder and madness now. I don't know if that makes sense but it is like I am looking at her now and I have on the correct prescription for my glasses. My view is not out of focus or disoriented anymore. It is crisp and clear.

[DeRetour]

And even if either of our exes hit rock bottom and got help, who would they be?  Probably not the person you fell in love with in the idealization phase as that wasn't really them, that was you.

Hah! Good point there, Bananas.

[snappafcw]

Thanks for the kind feedback I'm just having some weak moments.

[ucmeicu2]

Looking back I saw a frustration in my ex, the closer and more intimate we got, that I was going to "figure him out" the more anxiety he had and the more he pushed me away.  Closer for me equaled more triggering for him. 

yes, looking back i see the same same same exact thing.  i became the trigger!  how the heck is there/can there be any healing under those circumstances?  

And even if either of our exes hit rock bottom and got help, who would they be?  Probably not the person you fell in love with in the idealization phase as that wasn't really them, that was you. 

i still don't fully grok this mirroring business.  if the Non has self-esteem issues and some self-loathing going on, how could it have been themselves that they fell in love with?

icu2

[Suzn]

She text me the other day and said she broke up with him over a month ago and spent the summer traveling. I don't know if it is I see her as  a different person or I see her for who she really is.

I don't know if that makes sense but it is like I am looking at her now and I have on the correct prescription for my glasses. My view is not out of focus or disoriented anymore. It is crisp and clear.

This is the lifting of the FOG. We tend to overlook flags and behaviors that give us pause when we have our rose colored glasses on! We want things to remain in the beginning phase of these fantasy r/s, why would we not? We are idolized, it's a great ego boost isn't it? It's a fantasy of our own making. Asking ourselves why we needed a fantasy to feel better is a great start! Were we bored, lonely? Why did we overlook the flags?

yes, looking back i see the same same same exact thing. i became the trigger!  how the heck is there/can there be any healing under those circumstances?

This is a very good question... . it takes HARD work, diligence and some emotional distance even while in the relationship. Being capable of not taking behaviors of others personally, the understanding that BPD behaviors have nothing to do with you, that they were there LONG before you came along. (Not only that but YOUR triggers existed LONG before your ex came along too. We ALL have triggers from our pasts.) Instead of dependence on each other there needs to be interdependence. Healthy relationships have interdependence. Enmeshment is not a healthy dynamic! Being able to enforce healthy boundaries for ourselves is a must. Make no mistake, your boundaries are for you, they are not rules for other people to live by. If a boundary of yours is crossed it is YOUR responsibility to take action for yourself. This does not mean to try to force someone to do what you want, instead, it is your removing yourself from a situation for your own self preservation. (Even if that is only temporarily. Albeit possibly permanent. That is up to you depending on and being true to your values.)   

   

i still don't fully grok this mirroring business.  if the Non has self-esteem issues and some self-loathing going on, how could it have been themselves that they fell in love with?

Having someone who loves everything about you, never questions your thoughts, when being mirrored everything you say or do is agreed with and copied as if you are clones of each other, this a draw for most people. Who doesn't love it when someone hangs on their every word? Definitely a flag to me today though it wasn't back when. If you had self esteem or self loathing issues wouldn't this feel good? Bottom line we mirrored each other to some degree, did you feel at some point your ex was the best thing since sliced bread? (for whatever reason) Healthy people don't agree on everything, they each have their own views, sometimes they agree, sometimes they don't. Two ideals healthy people share is that they don't have a need to force their views on someone else to be ok with themselves and they are ok with others having their own views without it feeling threatening to them somehow.