Just because... A gift i was given.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

The love is REAL, the hate is REAL, and everything in-between is REAL, (not to us, but absolutely 100% real to them) but it's all only in the moment!

Well stated, Moonie. I’m having a tough time remembering any of the in-between stuff with my ex, but I'm thinking that it was all real, but to that moment.

Ironman,

Hey, I know what you’re talking about with all the frustration of trying to make sense of those two extremes. I went on about it in another thread. It can seriously feel like the worst kind of wipeout where you have no idea which way is up or down. And I can totally understand how frustrating it is trying create a logical sequence of events. I had a somewhat similar experience like that with gifts. On my birthday, let’s just say she showered me with gifts and a whole day planned out. The contrast for that day? The same day I learned about her webcam habit that supposedly started in her previous relationship, when her ex wasn't showing her enough attention (she had body image issues). She did it mid-day while I was running a quick errand! Anyway, I just wanted to share my own gift-related incident.

You're so not alone in the frustrating confusion of trying to make sense of 2 conflicting actions: expensive impromptu gift vs. no gift for your birthday. What you're feeling is totally understandable. And what's helping me in this particular confusion is to read up on the disorder. In my last thread (Hypervigilance residuals from relationship), Scout posted some good insight on the confusion resulting from conflicting behaviors. In that thread, I focused on lies, but I think it's related. I'm a firm believer in using repetition to learn something well. The more examples that I see that this is truly a disorder, an illness, the more I can reconcile with myself. Hang in there, Ironman.

deretour

[DeRetour]

The love is REAL, the hate is REAL, and everything in-between is REAL, (not to us, but absolutely 100% real to them) but it's all only in the moment!

Well stated, Moonie. I’m having a tough time remembering any of the in-between stuff with my ex, but I'm thinking that it was all real, but to that moment.

Ironman,

Hey, I know what you’re talking about with all the frustration of trying to make sense of those two extremes. I went on about it in another thread. It can seriously feel like the worst kind of wipeout where you have no idea which way is up or down. And I can totally understand how frustrating it is trying create a logical sequence of events. I had a somewhat similar experience like that with gifts. On my birthday, let’s just say she showered me with gifts and a whole day planned out. The contrast for that day? The same day I learned about her webcam habit that supposedly started in her previous relationship, when her ex wasn't showing her enough attention (she had body image issues). She did it mid-day while I was running a quick errand! Anyway, I just wanted to share my own gift-related incident.

You're so not alone in the frustrating confusion of trying to make sense of 2 conflicting actions: expensive impromptu gift vs. no gift for your birthday. What you're feeling is totally understandable. And what's helping me in this particular confusion is to read up on the disorder. In my last thread (Hypervigilance residuals from relationship), Scout posted some good insight on the confusion resulting from conflicting behaviors. In that thread, I focused on lies, but I think it's related. I'm a firm believer in using repetition to learn something well. The more examples that I see that this is truly a disorder, an illness, the more I can reconcile with myself. Hang in there, Ironman.

deretour

[Ironmanrises]

Icu2,

Trying to understand this disorder for me... . is like trying to give a precise description for a fuzzy mechanism.

My brain splits the 2 personas, the 2 contrasting personalities that she exhibited emanating from one source... . 1 person.

I am trying to understand.

It isn't easy.

DerRetour,

I can definitely imagine your frustration and hurt that you experienced too.

I am so sorry.

The differences she exhibited in behavior from idealize to devaluation is jarring.

If I took snapshots of her behavior from say any day in idealize and then of one in any of devaluation... . you would think I was describing 2 completely different people.

Just like that gift she gave just because vs no gift on my birthday... . Such a vast chasm... . My mind sees this... . Attempts to build a bridge between the 2... . and has no connecting points.

[eyvindr]

Ironman and all --

Very interesting... .

The differences she exhibited in behavior from idealize to devaluation is jarring.

If I took snapshots of her behavior from say any day in idealize and then of one in any of devaluation... . you would think I was describing 2 completely different people.

After one of our first major blowouts, which had degenerated to the point that I told my ex this needs to change or I'm out -- she shared with me that years ago, while she was in college, she'd been in T, and had been dx'd as having dissociative identity disorder -- ! Imagine how I felt to have that little detail dropped on my 8 months into our r-ship! AFTER I'd made a point very early on to have the "so, I really like you, you seem to really like me -- is there anything I should know before I let myself fall completely in love with you?" conversation!

She eventually agreed that she would see a T who specialized in this PD (always refusing to refer to it as a PD -- "we're all on a spectrum" was one of her favorite phrases) -- but only if we went to see the T together. It didn't make much sense -- to approach T for a PD in the context of couples therapy, but I agreed -- and used my own health insurance for us to go -- hoping against hope that the T would be good enough to pick up on the cues, and recommend that she begin her own course of T, in addition to our couples counseling, if we wanted to continue that.

Made it to two sessions together before the first break-up. Learned a lot. But, just wanted to share that your feeling that you were dealing with two different people/personalities (at least) isn't at all unusual, imo.

Hang in there.

[Ironmanrises]

Eyvinder,

I can imagine how hurtful and unfair it must have felt to have her inform you of her condition 8 months into the relationship.

I can also imagine that 8 months into your relationship... . you had already developed major feelings for your ex.

I am so sorry you experienced that.

My exUBPDgf, even when I was just friends with her, hinted that she was very complex and difficult to deal with.

She repeated this to me constantly.

Warnings went off in the back of my mind... .

I didn't know anything about BPD at that time.

I ignored the warnings.

Thought she had really bad experiences prior to me.

When I had already started developing feelings for her... . and she left me and then came back 3 months later... .

It reignited all my feelings for her.

I already knew about her disorder at that point.

Still let her back in.

Even warned her, "don't do this to me again"... . "Please communicate with me what it is you are feeling in the inside"... .

Foolish... . I know.

That was my compassion.

Made no difference.

She left regardless of that warning I had issued.

She left regardless of the fact that I knew she was disordered... . And that I accepted her back into my life even with that knowledge.

She was aware that I knew.

Made no difference.

I wanted to scream at the end.

[eyvindr]

Ironman --

Again, all very common in this realm of shared experiences.

I can imagine how hurtful and unfair it must have felt to have her inform you of her condition 8 months into the relationship.

I can also imagine that 8 months into your relationship... . you had already developed major feelings for your ex.

I am so sorry you experienced that.

Yes. Thank you. It was the only true, major deception that my ex engaged in with me, as far as I know. A doozy, yeah. When I confronted her about how she could justify keeping that a secret, she swore that she hadn't -- said she pretty much hadn't thought about it for years, because it hadn't caused her any problems, so she felt she'd moved past it. (Like PDs can apparently resolve themselves like the common cold... . )

I ignored the warnings... .

Thought she had really bad experiences prior to me.

When I had already started developing feelings for her... . and she left me and then came back 3 months later... .

It reignited all my feelings for her.

I already knew about her disorder at that point.

Still let her back in.

Same here. She even said, a few times -- "I'd understand if you wanted to get out now. It's got to be pretty scary for you. No one should have to deal with this." But I stayed. I thought we could work it out.

You're not alone.

[Front runner]

For my birthday. She emailed pictures of her getting fitted for a wedding dress after dumping me at lunchtime! Not one of the best

[peas]

My birthday was within three weeks of dating my uBPDbf. We were still getting to know each other, talking, hanging out. Already sexually intimate. Had daily communication.

On my birthday he went silent. I wasn't expecting a gift or any grand show of celebration, but I thought I at least merited a happy birthday text or phone call. I got nothing and it really upset me. Making him look even worse, I was given a surprise birthday cake and was sung Happy Birthday to You by some friends I wasn't even that close to. That warmed my heart but made me even sadder about the BPD guy.

First of many red flags.

[ucmeicu2]

The differences she exhibited in behavior from idealize to devaluation is jarring.

If I took snapshots of her behavior from say any day in idealize and then of one in any of devaluation... . you would think I was describing 2 completely different people.

while she was in college, she'd been in T, and had been dx'd as having dissociative identity disorder -- ! <cut> just wanted to share that your feeling that you were dealing with two different people/personalities (at least) isn't at all unusual, imo.

i saw her have those wild swings but i also began to wonder if my xBPDgf had multiple personalities, something beyond just the standard BPD version of dissociation.  ie, it was creepy, sometimes out of the clear blue sky she'd start talking slow with a Valley Girl accent and it might last a minute or hrs but it would disappear just as quickly as it came.  and there was lots of times that she wouldn't remember something i was referring to from the past, but then again maybe she'd just been in an alcoholic blackout.  (initially she hid it, and i didn't recognize when she'd been drinking)

regarding presents, another   i could not stop buying her presents/trinkets/jewelry/clothes/art/etc/anything, really ~ almost like i got high from it ~ even tho she very rarely reciprocated.  i mean, she'd say she had bought me something but wanted to wrap it really special and then she'd never get around to it, so i don't know if the purchase was a lie or not.  

towards the very end we were shopping together one day, i admired something, she bought it for me, then back at her house she tried to keep it so she could "wrap it really special" for me! and i was like   "that's ok i'll just take it now" b/c i knew i'd probably never see it again.  now i can't stand the sight of it anyway.

icu2

[ucmeicu2]

My birthday was within three weeks of dating my uBPDbf. We were still getting to know each other, talking, hanging out. Already sexually intimate. Had daily communication... . On my birthday he went silent. <cut> First of many red flags.

wow, another creepy similarity!  i learned early on that what appeared to be a small issue was gonna be a huge issue.  my xBPDgf  flaked out on everything.  started w/thanksgiving.  then 6 wks into our r/s i couldn't reach her the couple days b4 x-mas to finalize our plans.  then on x-mas day, on facebook, a friend wished her happy holidays and she actually replied "i'm all alone here on christmas.     plz call me!"  WTH?       

she flaked out of 100% of all holidays/special occasions and probably 90% of anything we ever planned.  why?  why do they do this?

icu2

 

[eyvindr]

she flaked out of 100% of all holidays/special occasions and probably 90% of anything we ever planned.  why?  why do they do this?

Because their brains don't work right.

[Ironmanrises]

My heart goes out to all of you.

[ucmeicu2]

she flaked out of 100% of all holidays/special occasions and probably 90% of anything we ever planned.  why?  why do they do this?

Because their brains don't work right.

the simplicity of your answer made me chuckle .  thank you for my ":)OH!  moment".

icu2