Preparing for a difficult conversation

[yeeter]

Ok, my uNPD/uBPD wife just called to let me know she is very very upset at me and wants to continue our conversation from last night.

One of her friends just moved to the area and she is excited about doing more with them.  This friend invited us all to a rented house in the mountains for a get away.  I dont really know the friend - met her once, but am fine with the concept, and think it could be fun.

But.

Over the summer I have been in and out of the hospital several times, and once almost died.  Im 'better', but by no means recovered and the last 5/6 days have been pretty rough. 

So I communicated last night that I understand she really wants to do this and take the kids, but that at this point I just cant.  Im not up for it, and the docs dont know whats wrong so no idea what the future brings.  That the concept could be fun but Im just not up for it at this point in time - would they do it again next year when we could join, etc?

She asked if I would mind if she just took the kids and went anyway. 

I stated I would.  They have already went for two weeks in August on vacation without me - and do most of Christmas without me - and I feel like I just get left out of the family.  Its been two years without vacation for me, and I have stated to her in the past that I wanted to do some more things together as a family vacation.

All this upset her, and she went into a long list of reasons how I was being unreasonable and a terrible person and robbing my children of their childhood, etc etc.  You all know the drill.  I had just come off a 15 hour day and had to go to bed because today is packed out as well.

So just now she calls me to let me know she is still really really upset and wants to talk more about it.  Im dreading it as usual, and unfortunately it will get to me the rest of the day.

The question is:  How should I prepare for the session tonight?  I wont get home until about 8pm and will be tired and hungry, but know this will need to be addressed first thing - or well into the night (which I just dont have the time for since I do need sleep)

SET

I understand this is a really fun thing for you, that you havent seen this friend in a long while because they live on different coasts, and it would be a great way to spend time together and also allow your children to get to know each other

So when I dont want to go, or more importantly express that I would feel left out if you went without me, its upsetting.

But the reality is that I just spent most of the summer in and out of the hospital, and am not at all in good health and am just not up for the trip at this point in time.  And I miss spending time with my children when you go places without me, so would like to wait until a point when we can all go.

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[briefcase]

There isn't really a right or wrong in this - just different perspectives.  You both have a right to your feelings.  As you know, she doesn't do well with different perspectives.  She needs a right and wrong in this - and guess who she thinks is wrong.   

Anyway, it sounds like you want to stick to your guns on this, and SET is probably the way to go.  I'd beef up the support statement in your draft - save all the "understanding" for the E.  Something along the lines of I love you and the kids, and I'm glad we can talk about important issues like this.

From your post, the Empathy statement seems to be that you can tell she's disappointed that you can't go and don't want to be left out again.

Your truth statement seems pretty solid and valid.  Good luck, I hate dreaded conversations.   

 

[yeeter]

Well, its not exactly sticking to my guns per se - just not a viable option because I just cant do it.

What Im realizing more and more is that some of the underlying health issues are caused by just this sort of thing.  If I suck it up and go - I wont get sleep, it will be a lot of work.  Likely some drama.  Etc.  And right at this point in time I dont have the extra energy required for it and need to put any extra into rest and trying to avoid another hospital stay.

And the feeling of being left out... . is just how I feel.  (I know its not about me) - but part of staying is learning how to be honest and have that be 'ok'.  To date, its not ok.  So my options are deal with the fallout, or avoid sharing how I feel about most things, and complying in whatever she wants to do (mostly what I did in the past).

I did state it was ultimately her own decision to go or not (again not trying to control her).

She will come with a list of reasons why its not valid for me to feel this way.

I already did some validation and also stated that its important we talk about it because its bugging her.

[briefcase]

The rub is that she wants you to feel great about whatever she decides to do.  And if she does what she wants, you won't feel great about it.  I wouldn't swallow that for her - just stick to your truth - you can't go, and don't want her and the kids to leave you alone. 

[zaqsert]

Yeeter, one detail suggestion, if I'm not too late to this, is to remove the word "But" from the beginning of your truth statement.  "But" can risk invalidating what you said just before it.  Good luck!

[connect]

Hi Yeeter,

Glad to see you are up and about again! You seem to be getting better 

I can totally understand how you feel about the holiday. I had a thought... As the trip is in the mountains (sounds remote) would she understand another reason for you not going? If you are still feeling a bit delicate could you also add that at the moment you would prefer to stay within range of a medical centre / doctors location etc, just until you settle down health wise? Just another idea.

Looks like your work schedule is cranking up again too - its a shame you cant reduce your hours a bit there to give yourself more leeway.

Wishing you luck with this. Am sure that SET will be a great help with this - I have found it very useful.

[yeeter]

Yeeter, one detail suggestion, if I'm not too late to this, is to remove the word "But" from the beginning of your truth statement.  "But" can risk invalidating what you said just before it.  Good luck!

An excellent suggestion!  But is almost always and invalidating word

[yeeter]

Looks like your work schedule is cranking up again too - its a shame you cant reduce your hours a bit there to give yourself more leeway.

Indeed.  Am working on changing this, but it takes time for all the stars to align.

[yeeter]

Thanks for all the suggestions and support!  No conversation yet.

But talking it through a little bit on here helped to reduce a little of my own anxiety (read... . fear) about it.  So thanks to all for listening.  Its just a part of what makes this site great.

Im feeling a little more grounded on my own truth, and this more able calmly just own it no matter the events or outcome.