Return Texts, Or Not?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

As has been the case on many instances, exuBPD/NPD attempted to engage me by text last night, at 9pm.  This was in regard to S9s bike which I have had at my house all week – he won’t ride the bike at my house, it is in his words, too small, not geared, etc.  So ex let him bring his bike to my house.

So last night all of a sudden she needed the bike, at 9pm, claiming “S9 wants his bike tomorrow, and if I don’t allow her to come over and get it, along with his karate bag, he won’t have it to ride.”  I already planned on dropping it off this afternoon.  In total there were four texts sent before I had even seen them with the last ending, “If you don’t let me get it, I’ll tell S9 that I tried to get his bike from you.”

This comes during the first two weeks of school which have been very rocky, ex brainwashing S9 into thinking before/after care I’m using is “boring, not fun” and ex barging into school first day, making a scene and demanding she be able to take the kids from school on my parenting days.   

So I did not respond to the texts.  I have too many examples of these text engagements turning into long, exhausting exchanges.  Though I could respond, I choose not to and think I am creating a boundary.  Besides, I don’t want ex anywhere near my house and 9pm is a little weird.

So what is a good policy regarding texts and whether to respond or not?  My girlfriend claims in these instances I am as bad as ex by “withholding” information.  I see it differently in that I can’t seem to allow ex to invade my time.

[scraps66]

As has been the case on many instances, exuBPD/NPD attempted to engage me by text last night, at 9pm.  This was in regard to S9s bike which I have had at my house all week – he won’t ride the bike at my house, it is in his words, too small, not geared, etc.  So ex let him bring his bike to my house.

So last night all of a sudden she needed the bike, at 9pm, claiming “S9 wants his bike tomorrow, and if I don’t allow her to come over and get it, along with his karate bag, he won’t have it to ride.”  I already planned on dropping it off this afternoon.  In total there were four texts sent before I had even seen them with the last ending, “If you don’t let me get it, I’ll tell S9 that I tried to get his bike from you.”

This comes during the first two weeks of school which have been very rocky, ex brainwashing S9 into thinking before/after care I’m using is “boring, not fun” and ex barging into school first day, making a scene and demanding she be able to take the kids from school on my parenting days.   

So I did not respond to the texts.  I have too many examples of these text engagements turning into long, exhausting exchanges.  Though I could respond, I choose not to and think I am creating a boundary.  Besides, I don’t want ex anywhere near my house and 9pm is a little weird.

So what is a good policy regarding texts and whether to respond or not?  My girlfriend claims in these instances I am as bad as ex by “withholding” information.  I see it differently in that I can’t seem to allow ex to invade my time.

[whippled]

I Recently started not responding to anything by text that wasnt an emergency or wasnt about my son.  She still tries but it just goes unanswered.   I find it easier to deal with by ignoring attacking texts and answering when its convenient for me when it is not an emergency.   Makes her mad but who cares.  Im tired of living my life worrying what her next blow up will be.  Unfortunately I have anxiety issues so its not completely gone but its lessened.

[Cmjo]

I left my exuBPDh nearly a year ago, and things have got worse, he has refused to m eet to discuss a separation agreement or a parenting plan, or go to a mediator.

In the past month, at the end of the summer holidays, he stopped responding to my text about kids, emails and doesnt pick up the phone if he knows it me ringing. It has put me back into depression and frustration, this is a provocative tactic I think to make me explode and confront him in a rage because sometimes his cruel cold  behaviour made me get that way.

Interesting reading why you dont respond to texts, that it helps your own anxiety issues, or you dont respond because the texts are abusinve or very aggressive. In your cases I assume you are the nons and your partners that have BPD issues. In my case its the opposite, he does occasionally repond but abusively and completely off the point ie I know you left me because I dont have the money to take you to restaurants or on fancy holidays (we did all those things anyway we had plenty of money!) so you have probably already met another man who can offer you those things!

Once I would have responded denying or explaining but I now no better. Just ignore it (but dont delate it, may be used in court one day!)

[whippled]

I personally send anything I think could be used in court or is harassing, etc to a folder in my email.  Ive been doing that for 5 years. 

Yes I do not suffer from the illness.  Although I questioned my own sanity when I was with her as she was/is that toxic. 

[david]

I got rid of texting and do not answer my cell phone unless the number is in my phonebook. Long story but it was the result of ex constantly trying to start something. I only communicate through email. Since I am not sitting in front of a computer 24/7 waiting for her email I don't have to deal with the "sudden emergencies" anymore. Originally I was concerned she would take it out on our boys. What I discovered was her issues didn't translate into switching from me to the boys.

Not knowing what the bike issue is really about you can't resolve it for her. Could be S9 was having a temper tantrum with her and she wanted to push it onto you because she didn't know what else to do. My ex is very good at blame shifting - Ex doesn't know what to do, needs to find someone to blame for her anxiety, stress, etc... , tries to engage me, I don't respond or react, it's all my fault anyway, she feels better since it wasn't her fault.

We have a 14 and 10 year old and I think that helps since they stick together. This way when mom is stressed they help each other.

[livednlearned]

Best to get all your correspondence in email, in my experience.

If she asks a civil question, I think it's ok to respond in kind (preferably by email -- I think text is too invasive.) If she is abusive or accusing, no response.

If you don't trust her coming to your place, maybe respond with, "I will bring son's bike to your place."

No more, no less. Just information.