BPD Alcoholic wife wants to attend kids games... What should I do?

[confusedhubby]

My diagnosed BPD wife and I are presently in the midst of divorce proceedings. We have two children D7 and D8. She has two previous convictions for child abuse and endangerment because of her drinking and cannot see the children unsupervised. We have been separated for about 8 weeks and she already has someone she is idealizing (he moved in after 3 weeks and she has been showering him with gifts and attention ever since). She told me about 6 weeks ago that she had to find herself so that she could be there one day for the children (her way of justifying abandoning kids and I and spending her time with the new BF)

Her primary means of seeing the children is through a state run family visitation center which she has not yet used. Because of her continuing to make false allegations against me I have had to go NC. The kids and I recently ran into her at the grocery store saw her at the grocery and she was obviously drunk and we had to just walk away... .and she began to cry. Since then sh has begun to take a keen interest in the kids activities again.

She emailed me this afternoon wanting to attend the girls cheer leading games and other sports events. Because of my wife's drinking and continuing reckless behavior I am inclined to ask her not to attend. No one needs to be embarrassed by her showing up and drinking vodka from a water bottle or having blood shot eyes and making inappropriate comments to the other moms. I was wondering if anyone had any experience with something like this? How is best way to tell her?

As for my daughters... ., they have a great deal of hurt and anger towards there mother as well as love. I want to shield them as much as possible from her destructive side.

Any suggestions or thoughts would be great;ly appreciated.

[Matt]

She probably doesn't need your permission to go to those games - they're public events.  By asking you, she may be trying her best to work with you and not against you.

Here's how I might respond - not saying it's right, just going with my gut:

You asked about the game on Saturday afternoon.  It's at Such-And-Such Park at noon.  It's up to you whether to attend.  I will bring the kids and take them home afterward.

My suggestion would be, if you are up to it and want to attend, that should work OK, and you can talk to the kids there, but please keep it brief so they can focus on the game and their friends.

You can talk to the kids on the way, and tell them their mom might be there, and it's OK if they want to talk to her a little, but they should not go outside your view - you need to keep them in sight all the time.  (You can judge whether there is a risk their mom might try to take them somewhere.)

At the game, if you stay nearby while the kids are talking to their mom, you can judge if it's going OK, and make sure their mom sees you there, so if she is tempted to do anything inappropriate you can prevent that.

Have you found any resources to help the kids deal with her drinking?  Have you tried Al-Anon yourself?  (It was very helpful to me.)

[confusedhubby]

Hi Matt.

Thank you for your input. It is much appreciated.

You are very correct that the games are a public even and I can't do anything to stop her from coming.

I spoke with the girls and they are apprehensive about there mom coming. She has a history of coming and being intoxicated while at the kids events.  My daughter (D8) asked: what if Mommy brings a water bottle? (FYI my wife typically brings water bottle filled with vodka and sips from it). After speaking with the kids I think I am going to ask that she not come because of the anxiety it raises in the girls. FYI They have been teased in the past by there peers because of there mothers drinking which is very sad

For what its worth, my wife showed up today at a friends shop and she was hammered drunk. Could not walk straight and smelled of booze. She was so drunk it did not look like she was able to apply her lipstick on correctly. I have never seen her drink this heavily. It's like she is consuming more than 1/2 a liter of vodka a day (her average in the past and she only weighs 140 pounds!). Worse yet she is hanging around heavy drug users. 

[confusedhubby]

Matt.

Foirgot to mention one more thing... .kids and I are starting new therapy next week to help them deal with there mothers issues.

[ForeverDad]

Is she driving while intoxicated?  While your children may be protected since all contact has to be supervised, I have a concern about others who due to the happenstance of location and timing could be at risk of accidents, injuries or worse.  If she's intoxicated and driving then someone who notices ought to report it for police to respond promptly and handle the matter.

[confusedhubby]

Hi Forever Dad. Thank you for your concern. It is appreciated.

yes, she regularly drives while intoxicated. I wish she would be reported but by the time the police arrive she is long since gone. I am ertain she will eventually get caught drinking and driving but I do not know what more I can do. She is already in IOP for her addiction problems and being monitored by child services who know she is drinking and drives.

Any suggestions on what I can do? I don't see her in person any more and she is very good at hiding her drinking when she needs to.

[Waddams]

Perhaps you could help the notifications along a bit if she shows up drunk to the game?

[confusedhubby]

Thanks Waddams. Your suggestions are always helpful.

I have three problems with calling cops if she shows up to my kids game. The first is that my kids and all of there teammates / parents view my wife getting arrested. I don't think it's healthy for the kids to see that.

The other problem I have is that if you call the police they don't always show up because she is not drinking. Or worse she shows up drugged up on drugs (she has a serious cough syrup addiction as well as other substances). Breathalizers only work for booze.

Finally, like most high functioning alcoholics, she has an incredible ability to hide her intoxication. So if she is able to act "normal" in front of the police and he lets her go I come across as looking like an instigator and calling in a false report.

[ForeverDad]

The first is that my kids and all of their teammates / parents view my wife getting arrested. I don't think it's healthy for the kids to see that.

And it would be healthier for the kids to see her intoxicated without consequences or safety?

We seldom get to choose a correct answer with no downsides.  When we're conflicted, it often comes down to boundaries and consequences.

In this case I don't think they'd arrest her for being under the influence while just sitting there.  If they didn't see her arrive driving a vehicle, wouldn't they hang back and watch to see whether she drove away and then stopped her as or after she left?