Feeling the pain

[Wishful thinking]

... .quote from Lady31 Just stay committed to Him and what's right, and He will move your wife.  He won't override her will, but he will coax her as it is His will your marriage stay intact.  And if in her will, she will not submit, he will move the situation to bless you and set you free as HE IS STILL FAITHFUL.

I was supposed to have left my BPDh few months ago already. But I did and didnt have peace. There was a glimmer of hope that it will work out.

I remember the ambivalence i experienced. 50% of me wanted to stay. And the other 50% wanted to go. Its the best way I can describe it. I went home for 2weeks after which I sought councelling and prayer from both my Pastor and my Psychologist and obviously I opened up for the first time to my closest friends as to what was happening in my marriage.

Few months back May 30th my husband came to me stating that he wanted a divorce. We had a few arguments a week before which he took to another level. After being married for 2 yrs I could not understand why I was so unhappy and why my husband was more an enemy than a blessing.

Long story short - during the last year he had online relationships with different women. To the point that he had 2 facebook accounts one stating he was married to me. And the other stating he was in relationship with a girl 25yrs younger to him.

After these painful discoveries, he wanted to change. He kept on saying that this time it hit home big time. He asked me to forgive him and to give him the chance to become a responsible christian husband to me. His attitude started to change. So much that he almost became this wonderful man. All the while it was clear that all my friends family and even the church was in the mind that we are not going to work out.

I chose to trust God and wait for his guidance. Whats the use I make decisions based on the perception of others. Upon coming back from my break I decided I was going to give our marriage another shot and trust God for whatever His will is as I believed His Grace will cover our marriage.

I suck at boundaries. The only thing that I said to my H was that I will not allow or tolerate a marriage where he messes with other womens minds while having these online affairs.  If he was to do this again It will mean that he doesnt love or respect me. And this will lead to the inevitable ie Divorce.

He gave me access to his email accounts. Facebook etc. everything was an open book. And he made mention of it many times. This alone aroused my curiousity.

I did not feel led to spy on him as I knew God will be faithful in revealing to me if he was to be unfaithful in any way.

As for our intimate relationship - I was so deeply hurt that everything sexually inside of me died since May 2013. The trust issue was difficult to deal with. We had sex now and again. I spoke to him daily about this. He said he would be patient. And he voiced he understood that i needed to learn to trust him again after he broke it.

Beginning of the month he lost his job. Started to go to church. Daily trusting the Lord for another job. It was great to see Him turn back to the Lord. But it was evident that he didnt want to go to church without me. Nor was he interested in many things spiritually like us praying together etc.

Yesterday was my birthday. The day was special. And I wanted to be close to him. I secretly planned a romantic evening with him. And was hoping to bury my trust issues and take a leap of faith trusting him again. Upon moving closer to where he was sitting I saw a message for him on fb. I asked him to open it. He started to act funny. I checked on his tablet and there it was. Another string of messages. Another woman. Him declaring his honesty and devotion. Calling her 'my love' etc.

I read the messages out loud to him. He came up with excuses as usual. And said she meant nothing to him. He was just playing around. Their conversations brought back memories on how this sick relationship starts. They hook you in. The facades. The hype about the fact that you cant believe there is someone out there that truly understands and loves you. The mirroring. Then after the marriage its downhill from there.

Yes call me stupid. Reading the previous posts on Christian marriage and BPD its clear that I too had a choice. I shouldve  listened to God. Choose Plan A instead of Plan B. Everything felt so right at the time. I meant my vows (who doesnt when they get married).  My wedding day was the most beautiful day of my life.

Im planning to go to my home country in 2 weeks to file for divorce.

The pain is hilarious (for lack of a better word). The ties are so deep. Ive never experienced the meaning of Thou shall become one flesh until now.

I dont know how to describe this but it feels as if Im separating from myself. I woke up this morning thinking how can I do something that God disapproves of ie divorce then I read your post Lady31

thank you for your post.

Yes. God is always for marriage. And my H chose a different path. There is lots of pain. But with it theres relief also.

Where to from here? Taking one day at a time. Took my wedding band off lat nyt. Felt like a whole weight was removed my shoulders.

[heartandwhole]

Wishful thinking,

I'm very sorry that you are in so much pain.    It's so understandable, and I would feel the same way. I'm glad that you reached out for support.

Feeling the feelings during such a change can be excruciating, but I've heard that God never gives us a trial we can't overcome.  I'm sure your faith will be an anchor and guide.  We'll be your online friends while you go through this difficult time. 

[Wishful thinking]

Thank you H&W

Its going to be a long road.

We did a lot of talking today. He even said that its time for him to also let me go.

I cry then i stop. Then i start again.

It feels 'better' for us both. Whether its just a means to console ourselves. But we have been much freer with ea other today than we had in months. The tension is gone. And we know where we are heading.

But yeah... the mixture of pain and relief is something i cant fathom. Much the same like bittersweet.

[Lady31]

Wishful Thinking,

I got your pm and read your post here.  I'm glad it helped.  I know how hurtful this is and how confusing it is when you add the element of faith in there.

I think that book will help tremendously as you expressed you will be reading it.  I actually think I am going to go ahead and read it again myself. 

The Lord is faithful in grief.  As you go through this remember this.  This was the scariest part for me - I was terrified of the pain and rejection.  I didn't fully understand this until a DEAR woman that was counseling me (spirit filled, Christian counselor) pointed it out more CLEARLY.

Isaiah 53:4 Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows... .(King James)

Not only did he bring salvation - but there is A LOT more to the covenant of salvation.  Healing, deliverance, etc.  ALSO - HE CARRIED these things (griefs/sorrows) FOR us.  When you start understanding this (you may already but it was a REAL light bulb for me) it is AWESOME.

I started praying that scripture several times a day along with:

"He has healed my broken heart and bound up my wounds" and I am WHOLE in my heart and soul.

"For I will restore health unto thee, and I will heal thee of thy wounds, saith the Lord." Jer. 30:17

(ALL WOUNDS, includes emotional.)

As I spoke these over myself and asked God to carry the pain and heal my soul – it has been absolutely amazing.  He LITERALLY carried my grief and sorrow.  I have been sad some, but not devastated like I thought I would be.  I am seriously astounded (although I shouldn’t be) at how EASY this has been for me.

You have to submerse yourself in this Word – and then it will start taking root.  I am so grateful.  If you draw near to the Lord, he will be faithful to you.  There is no reason why you have to “suffer” in your emotions like that.  Yes it is painful, yes it is sad.  BUT – it’s supernatural the help he has given me and he will give it to you too.

The only way I know how to describe it is he somehow supernaturally reached into my soul and spirit and put some kind of bubble around me.  I know that sounds crazy, but for those that have experienced this type of help – you know it’s real.  While I always believed in his Word and power – I never saw that I didn’t have to suffer grief and emotional pain the way others without him did.  WOW.

Another thing I prayed was for him to come in and remove all desires in my heart toward my H and severe that soul tie supernaturally if my H wasn’t going to turn around.  (I was praying this throughout the process of the divorce before it was finalized.)

Be blessed.  Supernatural strength, power and healing are available to you. 

With love,

Lady31